How to get parents to let us clean?

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How to get parents to let us clean?

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Hi folks, new to this forum. I'm sure I'm not the first or last to deal with aging parents who have lost their inclination to keep a tidy home. My 80 yr old parents' home however, has become dangerously dirty and I fear it is impacting their health. Pardon the graphic description here- there is dried animal feces left in corners, maggots & flies due to food left spoiling on kitchen counters, cobwebs & dust coating just about everything, bathroom full of mildew and grime...it's a sickening, unhealthy environment, but they refuse to let me clean up. In fact they get down right nasty about it. I visit very regularly & always attempt to do odd chores while I'm there so as not to upset them, but each week it gets worse. How on earth can I fix this? They are adults, they have their 'faculties', and they are fully capable of taking care of themselves- they just choose not to. The only harm they pose to themselves is the extremely unsanitary conditions they allow themselves to live in. Is there anything I can do here?
I appreciate any insights or advice that anyone can share.
Thank you.

Home Safety Parents Poor Hygiene Refusing Care

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Holls1229, welcome to the forum. I love the flower. When you get a chance please fill out your Profile page, that will help if you wish to ask the forum other questions later on, then you won't need to keep writing the back-story.

Your parents are not choosing not to clean. As one gets older they just don't have the same energy as someone years younger. Example, today my hubby (78 yrs old) was vacuuming, doing a great job as always, but it really tired him. I use to love doing yard work, would be out there 8 hours, but now a days, I can't do more than a half hour (also 78 yrs old). This is all normal aging.

My parents (90's) house was very dusty as my parents had age related eyesight issues, thus probably couldn't really see how dusty it was. And when I gifted a cleaning service to my Mom, well she was offended big time. Oh my gosh, if someone gifted me that, I would be holding the front door open smiling at the cleaning crew coming in :)

Some time we need to back away from doing "chores" that our parents use to do on a regular basis, so then and only then they will realize they need more outside help.

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Reply to freqflyer

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How do your parents have their faculties if they are fine with, "dried animal feces left in corners, maggots & flies due to food left spoiling on kitchen counters, cobwebs & dust coating just about everything, bathroom full of mildew and grime...it's a sickening, unhealthy environment, but they refuse to let me clean up." Cognitively healthy folks are not ok living like this nor do they get nasty when offered help by their children. Please consider your folks are cognitively impaired now and unable to see that their lack of a hygienic home poses a real danger to them.

Get them out of the house for a long day out or a visit to your home, and send in a cleaning crew to do a deep clean and fumigation of their home. It's better to apologize than ask permission.

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Reply to lealonnie1

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Yes, get them out of the house. If you can afford it, treat them to a short train trip or cruise. Then, bring in a cleaning crew to deep clean it. Unfortunately, when they come back home, the house may get dirty again.

(3)

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A lot of old people live in dusty houses , they can’t see it or don’t have the energy to dust and vacuum.

But if they are living with mold , animal feces , flies maggots and food all over , they either don’t have their faculties , or they can’t see it or both .

Tell them you aren’t coming over unless they let a cleaning crew in

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Reply to waytomisery

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I totally agree with this

(1)

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Call APS and ask them to visit due to your parents self neglect. This will help you build a case to force them to get help. You may need to report them more than once. As you said, things are getting worse.

Diogenes Syndrom is a term that seems to describe their situation.

https://www.healthline.com/health/diogenes-syndrome

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Reply to 97yroldmom

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They don't have their faculties or they wouldn't be living this way. They are not fully capable of taking care of themselves or they would be doing it.

You may have physical capabilities lumped in with mental capabilities. It's possible to have one kind of capability but not the other. Start learning a lot more about dementia - looks to me like you have full-blown cases of it on your hands.

Or not. You can choose to walk away and let the chips fall where they may. After someone calls Adult Protective Services, social workers there with "capability" will set forces in motions to deal with your parents' "INcapability."

You're way behind the learning curve here with a good bit of denial added on. You may need help to wrap your head around this. An alternative to walking away is to find out what senior services are available in your area and engage with them to understand what's going on here. Good luck!

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Reply to Fawnby

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Fawnby pegged this in my own opinion.
And once you do call in folks, this DOES tend to fall on you.
Do you really want POA or guardianship over a couple this uncooperative and troubled? I sure wouldn't.

I think that Fawnby gave you best options, best things to think about in all this. I add to her post my best wishes.

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Reply to AlvaDeer

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Your parents are not in full possession of their faculties. It is not normal to live in filth and be content. There is either mental decline or mental illness or perhaps some of both. Your choices are calling Adult Protective Services to report the situation, doing nothing until an inevitable event happens that forces change, or bringing in a cleaning crew against their wishes and cleaning anyway. Only you can decide which course you’re up for, but don’t deny their mental state in this.

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Reply to Daughterof1930

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If their house is as dirty as you describe, I can only say bluntly, that they don't have all their faculties. Living in squalor is a sign of dementia. They might still be able to conduct a conversation with you, and do other things that you think are reasonable, but living in filth is not normal behavior. Some kind of intervention is necessary, probably not from you as you are too close to them. A social worker perhaps? I'm not sure.

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Reply to MamaRose

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Teepa Snow. Expert on dementia/Alzheimers.
She has many videos you can watch on YouTube.

You will never be able to get them to allow you to do anything. They honestly believe there is nothing wrong with them and they're thinking. In other words, you will never be able to change their minds so stop trying or if you don't stop you're just gonna make yourself go into the grave. So, call authorities. APS. Yes , they're going to get upset , but they're going to get upset anyway. You know something has to be done. You're just going to have to do it! I'm in home health care and I've been doing this for 30 years. Their brain is broken so you can not reason with these people. Again... You will never be able to convince them of the condition of their house and the need to clean it. I wish you all the best. God bless you for trying. It is hard. One of the hardest things you will ever do.

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Reply to DonnaF777

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If they have an animal in their home that is creating unsanitary living conditions, maybe you could convince them to get rid of it.

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Reply to Isabelsdaughter

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I was in denial too. My parents were mentally incapable of taking care of themselves. The house was a mess. My mom said she'd clean it up. It took an emergency to get them out of the house. They will fight you because the are in denial while trying to hold on to their INDEPENDENCE. Please realize that you are use to seeing them a certain way, but your parents are in need of help. Being that I was the only child, I had to take charge of the situation. You do not want to see them accidentally burn down their house or flush things down their toilet to destroy their own plumbing. Make a plan to get them out.

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Reply to Onlychild2024

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My dad and step-mom got to the point where the house smelled like urine, there was fecal material on the bathroom sink. I could go on and on. They refused help, my step-mom saying "family was coming in". Plus they are beyond frugal. It took the after effects of an ice storm and power outage to get them out of the house and into AL and now memory care for my dad. I wish we had the suggestion about APS much earlier before it became a crisis. It has certainly put me on notice about planning ahead for myself and husband. Having a ramp to the door and grab bars in the shower is NOT planning ahead.

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Reply to JR2555

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Hi and we welcome you to this Forum. We hope as you attend here you will help us answer in things that work for you, and that you help us help others. Glad you're here.
You are correct that this is something that many here are dealing with. If you stick around and read posts daily you will see this over and over.

I can't be certain if you see this as a "Hoarding situation" or if this is something that you see as a failure in mentation or physical strength to handle things. The fact that they will not allow you to function in any way to help them makes me think that you have some undiagnosed dementia going on.

I would begin with a call to your local council on aging and a call to APS today. Let them know just what you have told us and ask for a wellness check on your parents. Ask if you should refer them to the county and if the APS believes, as you do, that living like this is a health risk for these elders. Especially in smaller townships, referral to country services such as Fire Department and Police may bring mandates for cleaning with followup that it is done.

I would take care not to become a guardian or a POA (if they are still competent to appoint one) because you honestly cannot function for elders who are not cooperative, and the onus of trying to run their lives even with their cooperation is mighty. The burden is heavy in record keeping and etc. If they require guardianship let the state take that over and manage everything while you remain a devoted daughter.

I wish you the best, and hope you'll update us.

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Reply to AlvaDeer

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Contact the county department on aging/social services and let them know of the circumstances. If you get the right person in the right county they will intervene and it won't be your parent's choice. My aunt had an obscene number of cats soiling her home. The county was called and they left her with one. Eventually she was moved to county housing where she would be safer. Just because they are competent doesn't mean they are safe, as you have found out. Better the county step in than you being the fall guy.

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Reply to JustAnon

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They do not have their faculties to care for themselves.
My suggestion is this take them on a day trip - Hire a cleaning crew to clean that nasty mess. If they don't see it happening they most likely will not realize it has been cleaned.
Once it is clean then you can get someone in there to clean it two or three times a week, just by picking this up picking that up. If you hire someone to come in do this: bring them in- introduce them as a friend - this is my friend Julie - accompany her a few times to get them use to the idea that this person is coming in then one day just say that Julie is staying and I'm leaving for an appointment - do that a couple of times then have Julie show up and visit with them cleaning here and there. It is a process but it seams that they are like children they will need more and more care. Take the bull by the horns and just do it rather they get mad or not. Ask yourself is it better for them to be mad at you for a bit or for them to be in an unhealthy environment?

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Reply to Ohwow323

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Worth a try, because, hey, what can you do about a clean house!
However, I suspect there is going to be major damage here due to infestations, etc. This isn't a one-and-done I am thinking.

(6)

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For those saying if they were in their right minds they would not live this way, that's not always the case. I grew up in squalor and so did my cousins. It was sad, but expected in our family. There are areas of the country where filthy, unsafe homes are par for the course. Yes, it certainly can be a sign of dementia, etc., but it is not absolutely always the culprit. Either way it needs to be corrected for the safety of anyone living in that home.

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Reply to JustAnon

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Justanon, you are very correct, but to my mind this OP is indicating this is a change for this couple. She says her parents have "lost their inclination" to keep a clean house, which indicates that they once HAD an inclination to clean but that they do not now.
That is, for them, a change.
Again, you are so correct that some people grow up in this and continue the legacy. Thanks for that input.

(3)

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Holls1229:

This is a very tough and unsanitary situation for your parents. Contact welfare check without your parents knowing about it. No sense arguing with them. Follow Our Forum!

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Reply to Patathome01

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i agree with all of what has been said. I also know it is HARD to take that next step. In the meantime, if you’re trying to figure out how to be able to clean up the house, I have found that my parents felt ashamed it was that way and didn’t want me to “have to do it”. Mind you, that is not AT ALL what they said out loud, it’s what I figured out. Now that doesn’t mean THEY were going to do it… Additionally, I found that they thought I’d lecture them on the cleanliness of the house and they’d be made to feel badly about it. So, I showed them otherwise. I’ve chosen to spend 2 weeks a month at their house (because they couldn’t “fake it” or distract me for two whole weeks). I told them I need to feel productive or it was helping to distract me from some anxiety I have (which was not false!). Then I said nothing about it. It made me feel better it was clean, I knew it was more healthy for them, they have appreciated me being there to help and we have built trust between us that when I’m doing something it’s to help and not to make them feel guilty. My dad has dementia. My mom is stressed out about that. Idk about my dad, but I think my mom is surprised she doesn’t have the same energy she did 5-10 years ago, so that’s how it’s piled up. That’s how I approached it

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Reply to JulesD25

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A lot of great answers here on this subject. I went through this with my parents. My mom has Alzheimer’s and my dad was in total denial. He didn’t want us to help them. He got very defensive. My sisters and I basically, without their permission and with the help of a friend we cleaned, threw out trash, de cluttered. We hired someone to get rid of all the carpet and replaced with faux wood floors ( much better for my mom who is disabled and in a wheelchair.
we basically took over and although my dad was initially really angry at us, he came around when he saw how nice the house was looking. He also got used to us being around and being pro active.
My sisters and I knew it was only a matter of time before someone got hurt in that house with all the filth and clutter.
Usually the right answer is to call APS but we chose this route first.
If something were to happen in your parent’s house because of neglect then Social services would step in.
You say your parents are of sound mind but I doubt that’s the case. My mom had Alzheimer’s and my dad who is of sound mind was in total denial of the situation.
Anyway I hope you can resolve this. As it turns out, 1 Year after the clean up, my dad had a stroke because he wasn’t taking his meds. So he really wasn’t of sound mind since he wasn’t even really taking care of himself or my mom properly. He is the type of person that was too proud to ask for help but sometimes you just have to step in.

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Reply to Monicaj0421

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I've been there too. I don't have any good answer for you either. They weren't taking care of each other much less the house. My dad's career was in carpentry so letting the house go while all of the normal maintenance went undone was highly abnormal for him; the house was in serious disrepair. When stepmom passed away (80 yo), my dad (88 yo) didn't want to stay in the house anymore. So we moved him in with us (temporarily turned into permanent 5 years ago; don't let this happen to you!). We had to clean the filth and sort through scores and scores of "stuff" (expired medications and canned goods, etc) and then had to sell the house with an abundance of liens against it which left dad with only 1/3 of the sale price (they had stopped taking care of bills too). It was all one big nightmare. My dad wanted nothing to do with the place or his stuff. Ultimately, we had to get a dumpster to eliminate what we couldn't sell or give away.
I had offered to clean and organize bills, but I think stepmom was actually hiding their situation and felt that it would be exposed if I got involved.
It goes against everything in you to "Take Charge" of parents, but I wish I had forced it at least a year before it all fell upon me all at once. I think that I could have weathered the arguments better than being so absolutely shocked, appalled, and grossed out at the condition of their lives when I had to do it.
Good luck to you.

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Reply to joyceab

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Holls1229: Perhaps their town's Council on Aging elder case worker can do a wellbeing check and they will discover the very unsanitary living conditions.

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Reply to Llamalover47

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Hi Holls1229
I'm new to this forum also. I understand your issue. My Mom is,was,and always will be a terrible housekeeper. However, since she has moved here next to me, I've noticed it getting worse. Now and then, she'll do some surface cleaning, but the odor in her house is way beyond a few incontinence pads. For the first 2 years of her living here, I cleaned her house for her (deep cleaning). But after 2 years, she made it very clear how much she did NOT want me cleaning and how she insisted on doing it herself. Since then, she does NOT do it herself and it just gets worse. I shudder to think what is in the nooks & crannies! She has accepted names & numbers of housekeepers, and she can afford it, but never follows through with it.
So, my advice to you is the advice I have given to myself a million times these past 6 months; and that is to just let them live in squalor if that's the way they choose to live. If they have all of their faculties and still insist that they are okay in their home, then so be it. Sounds like the other choice would be to call social services if you fear for their health. But then you'd have to suffer the consequences for that. Not only would they be furious at you, but they may end up living in your house.
I'll say a prayer for you....your not alone.

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Reply to MLee123

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What you have described is very graphic, but, I fear not exactly dangerous, unless there is clear direct contact with their personal being. Is it every time you go there? From one time to another? Did each of those graphic incidents occur on the same day or was it spread out over a couple of weeks or months? Have you documented any of this? Do you have any unusual phobias yourself? Did you pick any of it up? Do you complain all the time? You said your parents get angry with you if you do anything. They are old, tired and probably have other things on their minds that don't mean a thing to you., especially if you are focused on their so-called unkempt home..... It could be your way of not facing their inevitable passing.

Are your parents themselves mostly clean? Are they getting out a bit? Do they have friends? Do they seem relatively happy? Not everybody pays attention to Martha Stewart's fantasies. I would get them to a doctor, and have their eyes checked, too. What if they pass a Dementia test, what will you do?

If you want to get them any help, start very slowly and do not do anything, like cleaning up while they are away. That is very underhanded and dishonest. If you are so upset, get thee to a Therapist and learn how to disengage from their issues and deal with your own. Getting involved will AP Services could get messy and filing for a legal Conservatorship?Order is very expensive. And, above all, do not take anything that does not belong to you without documenting, unless you want to be accused of theft.

There are a lot of good suggestions here, please read them. Above all, take care of yourself. This is not an easy time for everyone involved. Good Luck.

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Reply to Bonanzatree

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Don’t turn it around like it’s the daughter’s problem! OMG! Even if parents’ eyes bad, feces can stink so it can’t be avoided. They need to get out of this situation asap.

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I'm sorry to hear you have a hoarding situation. My parents were level 3-4 hoarders, and it is only in the past year (after my father passed) that I have been able to come to grips with it all, in great part to the online forums like this one. While calling Protective Services may work for some, I have also seen even more that they will not respond to, saying "they are adults and can make their own choice how to live". So that decision is up to you. My input would be that if you had a POA, you might have a leg to stand on, as you can provide photo evidence that they are incapable of making rational decisions. This would be a foot in the door to legally get the house cleaned and renovated for daily living, or start the process of getting them relocated to someplace safer. This is truly a long, hard road. Get some support from other family members, find organizations that will accept donations, get prices on dumpsters. I wish you patience as you navigate this.

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Reply to gailanncreates

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Please make sure any pictures you take without permission are legal in your state. With AI these days anything can be manufactured. Better to have documentation from several sources.

(0)

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They are not in their right mind. Their home is dangerous to their health and safety. Tell them they need to let you clean or you will have to involve the authorities. If they balk, call the authorities about your concerns. Your parents will most likely be removed from their home and placed into a retirement facility where the cleanliness will no longer be a factor.

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Reply to Taarna

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Usually there are a number of steps between initial assessment of an Elder Protective Service and placement and movement to place people in another care setting. Call EPS and have them start a case. They can help find companies to clean up your parents' home. Stay out of the fray. Usually EPS accepts anonymous reports. Even if they don't, ask them not to tell your parents it was you who filed the report. If/when EPS steps in, let them be the bad guys. Resist the urge to say "I told you so" or "aren't you glad I called them". As tempting as that will be. Be as matter of fact as you can with your parents and be there for support. Remember, this is the first time you've faced this. It's most decidedly NOT EPS' first rodeo. They'll help. Even if you have to be pushy, eventually they will help

(1)

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Respectfully, I disagree that your parents “have all their faculties.” If there’s that amount of filth ..they aren’t playing with a full deck. If you get dept of health involved, maybe they will be forced to act. Mostly, it’ll be you that will probably get fined... do you have POA and health proxy? You need to act quickly. This is way more than being “untidy!” Good luck.

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Reply to CaregiverL

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If they had their 'faculties,' they would be keeping their place cleaner for health reasons. They are not so I believe they are psychologically and mentally compromised.

* You either tell them ... "This IS NOT A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT (so)
"I am doing ..."
"I am getting help in to clean ...
"I am getting cleaners in on a monthly basis to clean...

If they resist, and you have no legal or otherwise recourse, then it is fully up to them. However, I would then call Adult Protective Services and ask them to make a visit.

Lastly, if it were my parents, I would tell them that I will not visit until the place is cleaned up. That may not be any deterrent although it will show them you are serious.

Gena / Touch Matters

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Reply to TouchMatters

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Call Adult Protective Services to come check their living conditions since they have their faculties ( good minds). I did because my father did the same thing after my mother died. He refused for me to clean or let me hire someone to come in and clean once a week. The service came out, inspected and told him he is living in unsafe conditions and the house had to be cleaned. He said the dirt and mess didn’t bother him so it shouldn’t matter to anyone as to how he lives. He was given 3 weeks to get the place cleaned or he was going to have to be moved to where he would be taken care of and put in a clean environment. He agreed to have me clean and hire someone to come in to help me than to continue to come once a week to clean for him. When he realized he may be forced out of his home and placed somewhere for his safety he gave up as he didn’t want to go into assisted living.
Good Luck!!

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Reply to loyalone

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How to get parents to let us clean?

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