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My anxiety is building and I'm looking for guidance from the good people on this forum. My mom is 80 with early AD still living at home with my dad. She wants to do two things socially in the upcoming months. Bless her, she has always been social and lucky to have many friends, however I am worried for how my mom will be perceived or talked about as well as that I want to give her a stress free situation. The 2 events are very different. The first one is a memorial service for her best friend. I believe it will be well attended with people who haven't seen mom in while. Second is that she wants to have a luncheon at a restaurant for her own 80th birthday inviting 20 of her friends who still talk and visit her regularly. (Bless her. If she wants it, I'm going to do this for her. I'm planning to send invitations and do all the planning as well as help her that day with make up, etc.) Selfishly, I wish neither of these events was happening because my anxiety is through the roof. However, I am happy mom is still interested and I'm going to do what I can to give her a good day at each event. What is the best I can do to handle these situations - or, would you try to disengage from such events? Thanks for any replies.

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Mother's 70th HS class reunion was almost years ago. She was frantically trying to get someone, anyone who would take her. I gladly agreed to do so. She was in a dither for months beforehand. Wanted to see so-and-so, that kind of thing. "Catch up", I guess.

I had zero expectations for it. Just took her to the park where it was held. Got her settled in her wheelchair and let her be. I took a walk up the stream in the park with a book and a Diet Coke. I could see her the whole time.

It was sad/fun/interesting. She looked every second of her age, as did MOST of the attendees--yet there was one lady who jumped onto the table and led the school fight song. And yes, she was 86!! Sprightly gal, for sure!

The attendees ranged from people who didn't know who they were or where they were to this lady who was boundlessly energetic and fun. Mother fell more towards the "slumped over and old". I took a few pics with her and some friends, but when she saw them she asked "Is that what I look like" to which I answered, well, yes, it's a PHOTO. She asked I delete them, and I did. She was depressed by the fact so few people there were her "crowd".

Sadly, instead of an "In memorium" poster, they had a "Who is still with us?" poster. Her class is about 80% gone now.

We left pretty early on. It was not what mother had planned, I guess she thought people would fawn over her and most of her oldest and dearest friends have died years ago.

I know it's hard for mother to go to family things, as we do take pictures and such, and she is bent over into a C curve and cannot stand up straight, no matter what we do (she refused PT after back surgery, and this is the outcome). Seeing herself getting so old and not an "attractive" old is very hard. She doesn't own a full length mirror, so she doesn't "see" herself.

We still take her to any family gathering she wishes to go to. It's hard, she wants to be the Grand Matriarch--like her mother was, but she isn't treated as such.

The things we do for her are generally very small and held at the home (brother's) where she lives.

We make sure she gets invites to all family things, whether she'll go or not is up to her. She insists on being in the wheelchair, when she can walk fine with the walker, but she likes the "show" of the wheelchair". It does limit her a LOT, she gets put somewhere and that's where she has to stay for the duration.

IMHO, whenever she goes where there are also people of her generation, nobody is judging--at least out loud. They are always kind to her, and it's never been a problem. I may hear later from someone that they were shocked to see how bad she looks, but nobody says anything unkind to her face.

I have VERY low expectations when I take her to social functions. Expect the worst, enjoy it if it goes well. That's about the best we can hope for.
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While she is still willing and able to be socially engaged, encourage it! To help make things easier for her, be sure to accompany her. Any talk (talk is cheap) by others would not likely occur in her presence. Those who have not seen her since before the onset of AD might have questions, which you could then handle discretely. By the grace of god, there go I - They are likely aware of others who are suffering this affliction, and can only hope and pray it does not happen to them! YOU might be disturbed or upset about the "talk behind her back" or gossip, but I really don't think this will impact your mom. Just chalk it up to ignorant people and enjoy the time with your mom and others. Friend and neighbors encouraged and accompanied our mother to various Senior Center activities, but she eventually made excuses for not going, withdrawing from social interaction. This is NOT what you want - keeping active (body and mind) as well as remaining social has been shown to help slow the progression in many cases.

I would see the memorial as a given if this was her best friend. She needs to grieve and have closure. There should be no issue during the memorial service, and if there is a gathering afterwards, again you can be there to support her and be a buffer of sorts.

As for the birthday party - by all means do this! It is wonderful that she WANTS to do it. You say that the friends she wishes to invite still talk and visit with her regularly, so it is not like they are unaware, right? Do it up big!! I prepared a "surprise" birthday last year for our mother in the MC unit. We took her out to eat, but I dropped off the cake, ice cream, flowers, plates, cups, etc at the front desk and requested they set it up for our return. Although it went well, she doesn't like so much being the center of attention and/or be reminded that she is older (was 94 then.) However, your mom WANTS this, so GO FOR IT!!!
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Take mom as many places as she can handle and DON"T WORRY what others think. We all know about dementia so if she says does something out of the ordinary who cares she's still alive and happy in her mind and you know how special she is to you and that is what matters. You'll have lots of memories to look back on and you will never regret that. She special give her the celebrity treatment she'll love that wherever you two go
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Absolutely move forward with the two events. That will please your mother beyond measure. After you've indicated on the invitations that mom's brain function isn't what it once was, please welcome everyone with open arms. You could do something quite unique (and one I did for my late mother's 90th) by putting 8o candles on her birthday cake. Anyone who is a relation or friend to her would be assumed to act with respect and courtesy. Also, I am so glad that my daughter and I made my late mom's 90th a VERY SUCCESSFUL AND SPECIAL EVENT. We had to plan from out of state, but we reserved a restaurant with wonderful buffet food, I wrote and spoke my poem, by brother and his then 11 year old daughter spoke and we had evey guest speak a few words to my mom via microphone. So if you have someone who is a talented writer or can sing one of your mom's favorite songs, that would make it an event to remember even more.
Btw, my late mother's neighbor had a 100th birthday, which my husband, mother and I attended. Everyone at the party certainly knew it was for a gentleman who had reached 100 YEARS OF AGE and no one acted inappropriately.
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Thinking back, one more point that may or may not be an issue for you. At the lunch, make sure she has a water glass and carafe, and keep it filled. She may be less able to cope with alcohol now, and if her wine glass gets refilled a couple of times by a waiter or a friend, it can all get a bit more tricky!
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Some good suggestions on other posts. Visit the places and plan the arrivals and toileting. For arrival and departure, you need at least two people – one to get the car and one to stay with her.

The occasions are different. At a memorial service, there are likely to be lots of short interactions. Sitting on a walker or wheelchair, changes the interactions because other people don’t bend down to talk for more than a minute or two. If she is seated, or even using a stick, it puts everyone on notice that her condition has changed a lot. You can stay with her and help with introductions if she can’t remember people or names. At the lunch, the long interactions will be with the people seated on each side of her – probably you on one side and a good understanding friend on the other. As the meal ends and people move around, go back to the same procedures as for the memorial service. Explain if you really need to – ie if someone is really puzzled or concerned – but have some faith in other people’s ability to appreciate the reality of getting old. It is life, not an embarrassment for you or for her. Let her and yourself enjoy the occasions as much as you can.

Love from me and from everyone who is envying you and her the chance for such a great time.
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I went Alaskan cruising with my Mom last year. She was 91 now 92 year’s old. She is suffering from some form of dementia and with mobility issue. When I had difficulty pushing the wheelchair through the transition floor steps, someone was always there volunteering to help me.  People on board were very kind and very receptive. I believe you will find there are many people out there who appreciate what you would be doing.
Please  enjoy all the activities with your mom and not be bothered about what other people think or say as long as the right thing is getting done. 
My best wishes to you and your mom.
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GingerMay, it’s remarkable that your mom still wants to be social. For her sake, cash in on it before her personality changes greatly.

That said, I understand all your anxiety about the upcoming events. (That sh*t wasn’t my cup of tea back when everyone had all their buttons!) Embrace the excellent advice the past 20 people and “just do it.”

At both the memorial luncheon and the b-day party, definitely keep a close and understanding friend/relative by Mom’s side — to tactfully help ID people and redirect any conversations that deteriorate.

To get yourself through the day, take deep breaths and keep smiling.

Don’t be surprised if mom is especially wiped out toward the end. Or plays the role all day, but turns into Godzilla during the ride home. Or as soon as she sets foot in her own house. It’s not anything you can prevent. It’s just the nature of this cruel disease.

Human nature can be a b*tch, too. Don’t fret that you’ll have to shadow-puppet Mom at these events year after year after year. As Mom worsens, people will pull away. 🙁

Also - Mom’s peers will gradually (or not so gradually) die off. 

And Mom herself will probably become more anti-social as the Alz takes over.

For the here and now, good luck and big hugs. You are an awesome daughter! 
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People at a funeral and her own friends (her age) will be totally respectful. This will not be their first encounter with someone whose memory is failing. It will be 100% fine. She will not be the only one with the same issue. When I take my 93 year old mom to dinners and lunches and block parties...people are so happy to still see her getting out that judging is the last thing on their minds. You will also see all the other sons and daughters who are there with their moms and dads. All in your head. Spend all that effort deciding what she's going to wear. Take her to the mall to Bare Minerals for a makeover and buy her one of those $39 make-up kits and get her all dolled up. Looking good is more than half the battle.
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It is time to chill for your sake - all of her friends have been there before seen similar declines in others so will be able to cope - also at neither occation will she be with any one person so any length of time so she may hold up better than you think

The worst part will be if she can't remember their names so if you stay close address them by name as they approach her so that she hears the name & ones you don't know put your hand & say 'hi, I'm Joan, Mary's daughter' & the other person should say their name for you both

When my mom was at moderate to severe level of dementia an audiologist told me that even pre-warned it took him just over 5 minutes to be able to truly see it in her behavior & that was 1 on 1 - so your mom may not show it in a group setting & if she did what harm is really done

Actually if she holds it together enough then when a friend later visits they may think she has really slipped since these times because she most likely will 'showboat' - take a little time to check out Teepa Snow who should be called the dementia whisperer - she has many 4 to 8 minute videos that are a gold mine of information & hints to help both you her
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I'll offer a practical tip that worked for me and my mom when I was still taking her to her monthly dinner meetings. Talk to your mom's most empathetic friend and ask them to sit on one side of your mom while you sit on the other. This gave my mom a "cushion of comfort" and let me relax more too. Because yes my anxiety was through the roof as I accompanied her to functions well into the middle stages of ALZ plus she has Primary Progressive Aphasia. Often one friend would wait by the door for us to arrive and welcome my mom so there was a familiar face immediately. This was helpful too so I could do the signing in, hang up coats, etc.
I'm now planning my mom's 85th birthday which we'll have in the garden room at her Memory Care facility. The guest list of 12 is family only and that said -- only the most understanding family members. At this point it's all about mom. What she can manage socially - 2 hours of activity - and finger foods. No need to bother with clothing protectors and utensils!
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GingerMay, I understand your anxieties completely, because I was there with my mother, who also has dementia. In all honestly, I needed to deal with my own awkwardness and fear of what others would think of my mother (e.g., would she embarrass herself when eating or talking? Would she be incontinent while we were out? Would she be overly emotional?) I consulted with her caregivers at her nursing home, and they urged me to take mom to her sister's funeral, and to my brother's funeral (he died of pancreatic cancer last year). The nursing home provided a staff person and transportation to both events. It turned out to be a very positive experience for mom. She saw friends and family members who she had not seen in years, and it made her feel valued and included, which is what makes life meaningful at any age. These social events help people feel connected and loved, even if our mothers are not as functional as they used to be. Your mom sounds more functional than my mother. Enlist the help of her friends to assist you with the birthday party! They will also feel valued, and it will be a lovely time of reminiscing, which is therapeutic and a time to share love and happy times. You will not regret it...someday, someone may need to make these types of decisions for you. God bless you.
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Simplicity is key.
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Be honest with yourself. You want to make mom happy and you claim are happy that mom wants to participate in these social events. Yet, you secretly wish neither of these events happen. Will your anxiety affect your handling of the situation? Only you can answer that question. The answer is not on this forum. I've been a caregiver to my mom for 10 years now. You have to take control and only you know best what to do.
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I'm amazed at how many people are on this journey with their loved ones. Most likely they have been in situations like you're describing and will understand when someone says something that seems a little off. If your Mom is still comfortable in a group setting and wants to be with her friends, I think that's great! Recently we took my my mom out to dinner with us when we met up with two other couples. One husband had just remarked to me how well my mom was doing when she repeated a question she had just asked. God bless our friend who answered it like it had never been asked before! People understand and will be kind, especially if they know and love your Mom. Most importantly, enjoy your Mom's birthday party and put a little extra blush on her cheeks for the photos!
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Good comments here. I believe that since your mom is so social she will shine and you both will have a great time. My mom has always been a shopper, so we enjoy a visit to the drug store...sometimes a cheeseburger lunch...a walk outside...we look around dept stores. Dementia is so common, I find strangers to be very kind and tolerant...often passing us in store aisles accompanying their own elders.
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GingerMay, I would just be grateful that your Mom still has so many friends at her age. Lucky her!!! And lucky you! My Mom had always been a shy woman and while lots of people would have loved to be her friend she usually stuck to the homefront. She and I had many outings together and we were both happy with that but often if I wasn't with her I would worry that she was lonely.

As far as how people perceive your Mom, as many have already said, if they truly are your Mom's friends they will accept the changes and if they are around the same age maybe they will recognize the changes as something they have started noticing in themselves and therefore if anything I think that would make them feel less alone seeing that.
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I took my Mother everywhere she wanted to go and I sat through all her groups and meetings and luncheons,etc. with her.She needed me with her to watch her oxygen and help her with her food and give her drinks and she counted on me and wanted me with her because she had become insecure through all her illnesses and she was so blessed to still have her friends and a lot of them and it was a huge light in her life left to be with her friends.Ofcourse they saw her declining and they all knew she was on Hospice,but they never said a word to me about her.They just seemed glad that she was there and it took Mother's mind off being sick for a little while.
While it was hard on me, I'm so glad I did all I did for her.
I think it is wonderful of you to have a special get together for your Mother's Birthday and you will always cherish the memories you make that day.Just play it by ear and do the best you can and good luck with everything.
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I took my mom out to do as many things as I could for as long as I could. Even at the start of stage 7 we were doing some events. I found that people were always understanding. I had store clerk comment how great it was that we were still getting out. People at church functions greeted mom and said how happy they were she was there. Not only was it good for mom, it was also good for me.

As she progressed we had to drop some activities...like the movies when they no longer made sense and were a bit frightening. But other things remained as long as we could, like family parties...we just moved them here so she could be a part for a bit and then she and I would go to her room when she had enough. Just learn to read your mom's cues and only do as much as she can handle.
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Please do this for her. I too do a lot of things my Mom wants and I am either so uncomfortable or stressed. I just pray and get through.
But I will help her do what she wants as long as she wants to, and ignore my own issues of discomfort.
It's part of this sacrificial love. May God bless you for loving her.
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Ginger, God bless your Mom AND you. If you are willing to take on these two functions, it will provide some happy moments for your Mom. Imagine having her closest friends together for her birthday?
As time passes, her ability to handle groups will diminish. These events can be very special. And, as guests understand her limitations and (hopefully) ask how they can help --- be ready to suggest visits at your Mom's place to help her pass the time. Let us know how it goes.
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Ginger; when you send, email or phone invitations to these events, can you include a line that tells folks that mom is having some "cognitive issues"? And that she may not seem herself?
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I hope you’ll plan and enjoy doing both of these things with your mom minus your current hesitation. Her friends and family will invariably figure out the changes in her sooner or later, there is simply nothing to prevent it. Those who love her will be kind and understanding, any who aren’t you don’t need anyway. Illness has a way of letting you find this stuff out. But please concentrate on enjoying time with mom and not the worries, enough of those for later
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Thanks for your replies. I'm not at all concerned about being embarrassed. My mom could never embarrass me. It's just I feel such heartbreak as others realize the situation and it nearly buckles my knees sometimes.
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When I was working we would do something called PFMEA. Basically it’s to plan in case of failure. We basically would have to analyze the many ways something could get screwed up and have a plan to avoid or mitigate the failures. I would use this approach for these 2 events and try to anticipate the things that could go wrong and what you could do in advance so it doesn’t happen. Can you go to each of these venues and try to image it from your moms perspective? Where will you park, how far will she have to walk, where is the bathroom, (will you need to bring supplies?) will she be able to eat the menu, will it be loud and can she deal with that?things like this. You seem concerned how her friends may perceive or react to her condition? Perhaps having an answer ready in your head for perhaps insensitive remarks? Anyway planning for the things that could go wrong may take some of the stress out. These 2 events seem pretty benign but if her condition changes where it may be a problem don’t feel bad about scaling back. You want her to enjoy herself and have a happy memory.
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Ginger,
You say your mom is in early Alzheimer's. Does she know about her diagnosis? If so, how did she take it?

A lot of people in the early stages are in denial. They can't see the slipping memory or the slight confusion that others see.

At this point she's still social, so I'd indulge her in her plans. I know you want to protect her from questioning looks or difficult conversations but I'm not sure the people she knows wouldn't catch on after a little visit. Most people are very understanding.

In the mid stages of Alzheimer's, I physically got behind my mom and would mouthe "dementia" at someone who didn't understand her ramblings.

I don't think your mom is there yet. Early on they can "fake it" pretty well. Chit chat comes easy. It's the details that trip them up. Usually they play it by ear. They learn to take cues from the conversation then blame their forgetfulness on a "senior moment".

She may embarrass herself or you but you can quickly "redirect" the conversation to something else. In fact, it might be good to be prepared with a few "distraction topics" so you're not caught off guard.

You are anticipating the worst. You both can't truly enjoy yourselves that way.

The friends and family members are going to find out that mom's got a problem. Not the end of the world. Most folks are pretty sympathetic.
I don't think she'll do anything so horrible to greatly embarrass herself or you. (That comes later ☹️)

Pray, meditate or have a glass of wine before you go. Then relax and have a good time. Let her shine.
Sorry to say, all too soon these times will be gone.
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My hubby doesn’t have dementia, but due to mobility issues is a recluse. In a non-accessible home, and with him weighing over 300#, getting him out and about is darned near impossible. I would give anything if he would be able to get out again.

Give people credit for being understanding about your mom’s issues. Stay close by at these occasions, but don’t hover and wait for her to slip up and then jump in to correct or explain or God forbid, apologize in front of her for her miscue. Even if acquaintances haven’t seen her for a while, they will realize that there are some issues and will be kind to her. I’m sure that for both occasions, she will be on her best and brightest behavior. Don’t anticipate failures or embarrassments and stress yourself out over it for weeks beforehand. Mom will get the idea you’re not really on-board with the idea of her socializing because, perhaps, you’re afraid she will embarrass you (?) and turn inward. That’s the last thing you want her to do.

Encourage her wish to socialize as long as she possibly can. Spending time with friends and acquaintances can delay the inevitable.
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If you have the time and energy then go for it. I don’t see what harm would be done.

Are you worried about how people will react to mom’s dementia? If she is still interacting with all these people her dementia must be pretty mild. Most folks quickly recognize that elder friends are changing. I used to be on edge with other people around my dad as his dementia worsened. I Thought I had to explain to them that Dad was different now. No short term memory.    I learned to just let things run their course. I might  get an alarmed look once in awhile or have a talk away from Dad if people ask but it was no big deal. 

But this all sounds like some doings. Can you scale things back a little?
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