Hello,
I was on here while ago and have been mostly reading. It still amazes me how much we are going through it because of families with narcissistic personalities.
There are things I have had to do in order to protect my best interests and in between being busy with my own life, looking for ways to continue doing so.
I have a narcissistic mother and especially one of my sisters. The latest issue I am having is that my sister physically attacked me; let's just say I had to teach her a lesson for it where I got the best of her. But I know she is calmer for only a certain period of time.
However, of course I do not want to be communicating in this manner where I used to have to with her when we were kids. Here it is happening all over again in our 50s? I tend to stay away from her a lot, and she lives in another state, but our grandmother and mothers' senior issues make us interact from time to time. To make matters worse my mother is narcissistic too. This is where it all started; with her. And she instigated this last altercation, acting like she was "concerned", when really it's is a sick way of keeping us separated and therefore controlled in her warped mind. I no longer fall for it but my sister is a chip off the old block. I'm just left defending myself these days (the scapegoat).
So, I thought I was away from all that mess but now that our mother is facing another surgery--something that she seems to love going through a little too much for my taste, I think because it's not only an attention getter, but she thinks it's going to be a quick fix. But this is pretty major as she can actually end up immobile in her own words, and the closer it gets (a month from now), I'm afraid it is throwing me back in the mix with them. Told her I won't be able to be the caretaker, but she is not very prepared for this thing and I am left taking it into account if something goes wrong.
Like, I'm waiting for her to let me know about giving me her spare keys because I live the closest to her and there's no way I can just ignore it if something were to go wrong. I did let her know some months back when the altercation with my sister happened, that I wasn't going to be around for their regular functions and don't call me about it. Only call me for emergencies. So, I would need to have access to her home with this surgery issue so it doesn't escalate. These emergencies have happened in the past and I'm sick of her being reckless due to not being prepared especially for important events.
Believe me, I don't want her keys or anything to do with any of this. The reality is, I will have to address it at some point due to my family being small and me living the closest. We lost a lot of family members, I'm not married and don't have any children, and there's another sister who doesn't get involved at all.
My mother doesn't have a will that I know of, and she is a gambler. She owns her own home and I know she has more liabilities than assets. While my affairs aren't in perfect order yet, it is pretty good and I don't want to being affected by hers while I'm getting mines more tighter. Yet, let me try to talk to her about the "what ifs" and she'll go off.
So between my narcissistic mother and this severely narcissistic sister of mine, it's too much but feels like the timing is off to 100%, completely step away yet.
Trying to prepare myself, at least legally, but don't know where to start because it seems like there is still a void when it comes to these type of family issues.
I have researched for answers about what I'd have to deal with in case my mother can no longer take care of herself--even grandma who goes right along with them and won't work together with me either. Trust that all I've done was given to them, but they listen to the troublemaker sister instead who needs help herself.
I am about healing from growing up in this family and enjoying my life now. Not having it with them, but worried about being pulled back in...(cont.)
My mother (a real sweetheart, by the way) fell and her alert service notified me. I didn't have a key to her secure building so I rang the caretaker number and explained why I needed to get in. He accompanied me to Ma's apartment and unlocked the door. It was on the chain. He went off and returned with a chain cutter. Meanwhile I could talk to Ma through the semi-open door, and reassure her help was on the way.
Point is, if you REALLY HAVE to get into your mother's house, you will find a way, with or without keys. And one of the ways might be to call 911, depending on what the emergency is. Yes, things would be easier if she just gave you a key, but people who have the brain disease of narcissism aren't in favor of making things easier for others.
Stay out of the corners, and you can't be painted in!
With narcissists, all it takes is a "hello" and suddenly you find yourself defending yourself on all fronts.
Could use good, professional, free, or at least affordable, advice. I have tried the therapist route and it was okay for a second but couldn't keep affording it because they didn't take my insurance plan. Not to mention, I really need someone who understands about narcissistic issues; something hard to find even in New York City where I live.
One thing I learned for myself--and still have to keep in practice--is that I can only try my best and not try to control the outcome. God will take care of the rest. In the past, I found myself trying to put out fires mainly because I felt blamed and attacked growing up in the narc's household. I recommend a meditation app called "Let's Meditate", plus Angie Atkinson's Narcissistic app and website--or others like them, free of charge with the basics from the Google Play store. Plus, due to my busy schedule, I can access it from my phone anytime, if only for a few minutes. I still would like to speak with a live and affordable professional specialist if anyone has any recommendations, though.
Thanks for hearing me out and the best to all who's going through it.
You gave good suggestions. I thought about picking up her keys, but it would take a lot of searching and she would not only notice it (her place is too small), I don't think I'd be able to pull off taking them, getting to the locksmith, and returning them before she would realize it. I really don't visit anymore as well, so there would be no good reason for me to return right away. Her mind's really still sharp so, that's not an option. Plus, I am truly sick of having to stress over this mess. It's not my mess, and if anything I have been there for her and my grandmother. So, the treatment is really keeping me away and I'm feeling repelled by it all. How can I even do all that and I dread even paying a simple visit? It's gotten to that point.
In the meantime, every day closer to her surgery (about a month from now), feels like I'm returning to the dreaded "fog" that I worked so hard to avoid. I don't only have one narcissist to worry about, but three at the same time. There's even one that I have to deal with at work whom I have to sit close to! Really sick of them!
I won't do the POA, but I do worry at times that it could be a case of being painted into a corner due to her neglect; like if she doesn't come through fine with her operation (becomes immobilized or passes away), what are the possible implications of that? These are the things I should be able to discuss with her, but the only thing that will happen is all hell breaking loose, with no solution to it.
Tired of picking up the pieces (trust me, there's been a lot), so I don't plan to. Once again, it's just that "painted into a corner" issue that can come up.
As the daughter of the narc, it is comforting to know that I am not obligated and can make a healthy choice to not get involved.
Thank you again. :)
I'm thinking I had a temporary lapse in trying to help by getting the spare keys just in case.
I also lapsed by thinking buying her a special (and expensive) neck brace to keep her comfortable in the meantime would possibly work out. She kind of hemmed and hawed about it, when all I asked was for her to give me her honest feeling about it. Instead of simply saying thank you but it doesn't suit me, she acted like she was the one doing me a favor by trying not to hurt MY feelings, lol. I told her that's fine the thing was expensive so I wanted her to tell me the truth. I will just come pick it up. Sounds like a concerned mom to someone else, but I know her; she and my grandmother have wasted my money times before, and likes to make me out to be a "poor thing", as if I don't know what I'm doing. One of the reasons I stopped doing things for them. Mind you, the type of neck brace my mother has is scratchy and sweaty according to her, but oh well.
Good to be back here. Surely could use the support.
What does this mean? Sounds to me like you think you will end up being the caretaker. Am I correct?
What can you do to make sure this does NOT happen?
That's why I'm here; as well as the overall support.
My question was; does anyone know if there is a professional I could possibly talk to, like an elder lawyer or such, to plan ahead in the event of to ensure I know what to do to protect myself--unfortunately, instead of saying protect us all, the way a normal family would do it.
Wanted to know if anyone did this type of consultation.
Of course, any type of advice is greatly appreciated.