Viridiana Asked March 25, 2024
How to resist one full month holiday with a narcissistic, emotionally immature mother?
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My mother expressed the desire to go to the seaside, so my husband and me rented a small villa at the seaside for a month. I wanted to make her happy with satisfying her wish, but for me it will be hell on earth. She is stupid, lying, inappropriate, toxic; gives backhand compliments, and is so insincere that it makes me sick.
Can anyone suggest me an effective strategy to cope so that this month doesn't kill me?
I am sad to say that I really cannot stand her, so I need some very good strategy to put up.
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I think you should cancel the vacation and lie to your mother about why. Tell her that an unexpected expense came up like your house has termites, and that you will have to cancel the vacation. Then you and your husband go on it without her. Like a second honeymoon. My friend, my houses have had "termites" many times. Also stomach flu and burst water pipes.
If you insist on taking her there has to be an exit plan in place. She needs to know up front that if she acts up in ANY way and you list every single thing you mentioned here, she will be packed up and brought home. Even if that means putting her on a flight if it's far. She leaves.
When I was married to my first husband, my in-laws rented a place at Cape Cod. They paid for everything and the plan was they were going to stay a week and let my husband and I stay on our own the rest of the time since we were newly married and didn't have a proper honeymoon.
My in-laws are such good people they even invited my mother to share their week for free. Their treat to her. They knew how she was because she ruined our wedding, but they still wanted to give her a chance because she was family then. Well, she started her crap on the car ride up. By I think around the second day my husband got so fed up with her instigating, snide comments, and her general a$$hole behavior that he put her in the car it was night time, drove the four hours or so back to Connecticut, dropped her off at home and drove back. That was our exit plan for her because we weren't about to let her ruin the vacation for us or my in-laws.
Have an exit plan ready for if your mother gets too obnoxious and send her a$$ home.
This is true. We can only allow others so much grace. In cases where the other person has never allowed us any grace whatsoever, we don’t owe them a damn thing!
You have a wonderful husband who loves you and took your happiness into account when he decided enough was enough! Good for him!
I love cxmoody’s response! She said earlier in the post that she would say that she changed her mind about going to the beach with her mom.
We certainly have a right to change our minds if we feel that we made an error in judgment. Nothing is written in stone.
After your comments I thought and thought and then came up with one easy and harmless solution: we rented two small places and I invited her sister to be with her. So this means that she will have her place and her companion and I only have to spend some very little time with her while me and my husband are elsewhere. She was even happier with this solution and me and my husband also were relieved. Yes I have been in therapy and it has helped me enormously, I am confident I can overcome this situation with this solution. We will have friends coming over so she knows we will be busy and not being around her too much.
The residential home is not an option, here the best ones are extremely expensive, and the affordable ones are really horrible places.
Plus, I have reduced the holiday for her to two weeks.
We are emptying our house in order to rent it for the Jubilaeum year which will begin next year, and this will put some more distance.
Italy is (was, we have zero growth since 1993) a place where family is considered extremely important, so rather than putting her somewhere it would be much better for us to move and provide her with a help for the house.
I think I cannot plan it better than this.
You made me feel not alone and gave me useful advices and human support, I have never been so grateful to the technology that allowed me to talk and make exchanges with other people who were or are in similar situations.
I will keep you posted about how this strategy worked, but this time I am optimistic. And yes, I will organise myself to spend less and less time with her; she goes well with her younger sister and I feel really relieved.
Thank you so much for your support, I am sure that also here in Italy there are people with my same problem, but they don't talk about it openly and I have never found a discussion place like this, it is really a cultural taboo...
Love to all of you, this has been really comforting to me.
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Wonderful news!
Please stay in touch to let us know how you are doing. Even if it is just to vent. We have all vented from time to time.
Wishing you all the best. Enjoy your time at the beach with your husband!
“Going no contact is not an option” because you live in the same building, one floor apart. You don’t have to do that either. Why have you chosen to?
You are “a sociologist working in the field of social exclusion”. You should have enough brains and enough relevant education to look at your own role in this. Perhaps you should see a counselor about your own issues in staying in a relationship that you think it toxic and is damaging you.
I read where you say you can not go no contact . Ok well then ….
You can still set boundaries. You make sure your mother has what she needs.
A vacation is a WANT not a need. You do not have to vacation with her . My father in law tried that too , it was going to be horrible for my husband and I , so we said No.
I don’t understand why elders expect us to use our vacation time off from work to vacation with them . In my case if my husband and I had indulged my father in law with his request , it would have meant a walker, wheelchair , supplies to change a wound dressing on his foot , a pallet of Depends to go on a 10 day cruise plus the air travel before and after with a man who didn’t shower . It would not have been fair to the other vacationers trying to have a nice time
Your case is more the mental distress and abuse associated . I think a therapist would tell you not to do this trip for a month. You haven’t even gotten there and you are upset over it . We all have the option of saying no to travel with someone , and you don’t owe her any explanations. We told my father in law
“ It’s not possible “.
If it’s going to be a terrible a time for you , don’t do it. I think you should go to the rental without her. Hire a caregiver to check on her and bring her what she needs while you are gone .
You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness , nor are you her entertainment . Make sure she has a lot of choices on her TV . Hawaii 5-0 reruns have plenty of beach to look at on TV. She can order books , puzzles etc , whatever hobby she likes .
Stand up for yourself !!
You could cancel and let her go with some other people. Maybe you need to get “sick” and doctor says you can’t travel.
Doing this kind of thing will not make her happy, will not make her love you, one cannot buy either of these two things.
Might be time for you to get some counseling to learn how to set boundaries and stick to them.
You never Care for your abusers. 79 is not old (I am 74 and DH is 77). Your Mom is lonely because of her. I would tell her you have changed your kind, you will not be going to the seaside because u can't be with her for a month. You just can't take thevabuse and negativity she dishes out. If she would like to go alone, she can go for a week or two on you.
If possible, you need to move. You should never had this arrangement. If you own this duplex, rent your apt out. Abused children need to step away from their abusers as soon as they can.
Are you in therapy?