I am not sure how to best deal with the saying goodbye thing.
One time I said I am going to my Alzheimer's parent. They became a bit distressed and said ok lets go then and tried to follow me out the door. A number of times. Was quite stressful.
So I have started to say I am going to the bathroom, then I go to the bathroom and then sneak off. But this I feel bad about doing. I hope that they don't remember I was meant to be coming back, but I don't know whether or not for sure. I'm worried that they might be upset that I don't go back. But their upset for me saying I'm going could be worse. So I am just not quite sure what to do.
What's the best way to approach this issue?
Sometimes I would tell her my ride was waiting (and that was true) and she would ask if that person could also give her a ride home. She really hated that nursing home.
I told her my brother and I had to leave soon before the fog was really bad, and she got that. She told the CNA several minutes later, while we were still standing there -- my kids are leaving now so they can get home before the fog sets in. She got it. She even elaborated on the dangers of driving in fog.
I told her I had to leave now because the bus (Dial-A-Ride) doesn't run after 5 -- well, you better leave then because you don't want to miss it -- she got it.
Another time I was there the physical therapist came to take her to therapy -- a perfect transition for us both. He stood in front of her to help her into her wheelchair and I was behind her then, mouthing to the therapist that I'm leaving now. She caught a glimpse of me peripherally and said to the therapist -- oh, and now my daughter is here. So in that little span of a few minutes she was distracted by the therapist that "her daughter" was even there. I made my leave as soon as I was behind her again and they were on their way to therapy.
My mom could sense that I was getting ready to leave before I actually said anything, like when I would put things in my cart that I dragged around -- my notebook, etc. -- It looks like you're getting ready to leave.
Sometimes she would say things that were actually cues to me that I SHOULD leave. Cues that said she wanted to be alone. That she wanted to nap, or just close her eyes.
So, there are many ways to say good-bye. I think distraction with staff is the best. It's all about paying attention to what is going on, on that particular day.
She doesn't always remember that we were there. It works for us. She is happy where she is now.
Other alternatives include ensuring the person is occupied/distracted (meals, snacks, activities) before you try to leave. IF they are distracted, don't say your goodbye, or give hug/kiss at that point. It is also hard if this is how you always parted in the past, but it will only reorient them to you leaving and cause the issue again. Give your hugs and kisses during your visit, not at the time you plan to leave.
Staff can sometimes be used to distract the person, if any are currently available to help. Mentioning appts, bathroom, work or what have you for excuse to leave might work, but it might not - they could still insist on joining you or ask for you to drop them off somewhere of their choosing! If that happens, defer their request with "later" or "after" you do your business, no real time frame given, Usually their sense of date/time are not in sync with reality. The one time my mother asked me to drop her off at her mother's on my way home, I glanced at my watch, said it was a little late in the day and not on my way home, so maybe tomorrow? Her reply was OK. (Note: her mother has been gone at least 40 years now!) She then promptly asked if I had a key to their house (previously owned over 25 years ago) - checked my lanyard, said no, maybe at home, I will check. Again, okay was the reply along with 'If I had a key I would go stay there tonight!' Not sure the current owners would appreciate that!
I am also one who prefers not to lie, but lies to hurt someone vs fibs to avoid hurting or upsetting someone are NOT the same. We do this to keep our LOs calm, not to hurt them.
The wife of my husband’s roommate once helped me greatly by telling me that when you come to see your loved one, you are entering the dementia world for a bit, then when you leave you go back to the “real” world. The patient is in a different world and you are just visiting.
Also this stage of my husband where he wanted to always go with me only lasted a few months. Now his disease has progressed a bit more and he really doesn’t want to come with me anymore. Sad, but a relief in a way.
The whole process is sad, but all you can do is your best! My best wishes to you.
My mom no longer ask to go home nor does she become afraid when I have to leave-bittersweet for sure. May God bless you, your family and your situation. Best wishes!
Say goodbye in your own mind by giving parent a hug or a kiss or a pat on the shoulder, whatever comes naturally, and then slip out of the room. If your parent notices your going, you can say that you're going to the bathroom (this is fine! and you ARE so it's even true!), or you can say "don't worry, I'll be back [on Sunday/tomorrow/very soon]" and keep going.
The crucial thing is to appear to take it for granted that your parent is staying there, at home, which is what it is now, and you are going but you will very soon be back. If you're not stressed or sad, s/he is less likely to be.
You could try saying what others have posted, such as having an appointment or going to work.
Best wishes to you.