My parents have lived in the same town my whole life. I moved 1000 miles away and two states over and haven't been very involved in their personal lives (except visits and phone calls) until last couple of years with their declining health. I moved them both to live close to me. My dad died just a few weeks ago, and my mom lives with me. She has early stages of dementia and I'm in the process of taking her to a geriatric specialist and then to a memory clinic to get a full workup. With my dad’s passing, her memory has gotten worse and she is depressed and having trouble sleeping. I have a doctor appointment scheduled ASAP to address this. But I’m worried with how her phone conversations with friends are affecting her.
I'm realizing that a lot of the friends she had in her home town are not healthy people. A few are really affirming and supportive of my mom's decision to move to live with me/close to me. Those are the healthy friends who express sorrow at the loss of my dad and who express gratitude that my parents have been with me for the past few years.
But then, there are others, and I have a hard time trusting them. I’m looking for some support and feedback as I process this through and think about the best next steps for me.
My mom is friends with a family that I was never introduced to and I have some suspicions about them. I’m concerned that they have been taking advantage of my parents (my dad had undiagnosed dementia for 5 years and my mom is in early stages for possibly several years) Mrs. E. is a lady in her late 50s. She has a daughter and son who are in their thirties with children of their own. When my mom first moved in with me, she had called them to let them know. The 30 year old daughter was crying and said her children were crying and they want their grandparents back (meaning my parents). This was a red flag for me.
Just yesterday, when my mom talked to Mrs E. let her know my dad had died, Mrs E asked “what do I tell the children?” my mom was sad and worried after this phone call. My mom mis remembered my great grandma’s funeral and that my brother cried a lot because he wasn’t allowed to go. This doesn’t ring true to me. And then later, my mom was misremembering where her workplace was located. I’m worried that the additional stress of talking to unhealthy friends is not good for my mom.
Today, I noticed a text on my phone from Mrs. E. daughter, expressing her condolences. She said “I’m so sorry for your loss. I would have loved to been there at the last moment.” I don’t know her, never met her, only talked to her by phone and I felt weirded out by her need to be there when my dad died. I responded politely that he was with his family when he passed and that I was very greatful to have my parents close to me during the last few years of his life. She responded again that she wish she could have been there with us. then she asked what happened to him. I ignored this, thinking it is none of her business and feeling weireded out that she again texted that she wish she could have been with us. She’s NOT family. And when my parents were struggling on their own in their town, she didn’t call me to let me know – so she wasn’t that good of a friend then.
After ignoring her, she texted me again “did he get sick with pneumonia or with something?” I’m ignoring this text. I think I have gotten enough info. about her and her family to know that they are way too nosy, have awful boundaries, and too familiar with my mom. What’s hard is that my mom can very easily feel sorry for other people and wants to give them money, etc. Which she DOESN’T have.
Mrs. E’s daughter had sent my dad a card for his birthday with money in it – this was several months ago. Just yesterday, after talking to Mrs. E, My mom asked me where the card went and what happened to the money? What do I know? I’m just passing on the mail to my parents. I don’t like that my mom is now suspicious of me. I don’t know what this family has been saying.
There's something very peculiar about the family that seems to want to inject themselves into your lives. And there's a lot to sort out just to put everything in perspective.
But you have no obligation to these people. None whatsoever.
Similar to you, I've experienced those particular 'friends' who seem too familiar with my mother. I suppose from each other's perspective, there was some question since they were not familiar with me or vice versa. When there was a death in our family, I was surprised at the speculation of some people, not family, who felt that discussing a recently deceased's medical condition was appropriate and not private. I was taken aback then when asked and not sure what I responded. Now I am more assertive in the caring for my elderly mother. I just respond to others, not family - I don't wish to discuss this with you at this time.
One friend of my mother's questioned my assistance with my mother's home and actually offered to purchase her home to help out. I felt undermined, betrayed, and angry that certain family members would consider this person's say over mines in my mother's interest. I was relieved that my mother's attorney told my mother that her 'friend's' offer was self serving. Mom still had capacity, and the poa was not active, but I think this is where I realized my role was to protect my mother from undue influence.
Another 'friend' of mom's had an arrangement with my mother living part-time in her home. I wasn't sure of the role of this friend if it was as a renter or helper for mom. I just noted that she was not reliable on several occasions. This friend offered to drive my mother to an appointment or made some arrangement which I picked up her slack and followed through on. This 'friend' left suddenly for two months and then appeared back at my mother's home without explanation. My mother made an excuse that a relative needed the space and later my mother would tell people that I got rid of her. I have to take that credit although that was not the case. Later my mother wanted this friend back and that's when I said no. I am the bad guy, but that is my partly my role.
You come to realize these are relationships your mother cultivated away from you and she considers them friends regardless. I've been careful to be friendly on the surface and can't keep my mother from them as they also do offer familiar socialization which is hard to come by. You become your parent's gatekeeper.
I am sorry for your loss. You have enough to deal with. You and your mom are adjusting to your father’s death. You are in the middle of assessing your mom’s medical situation and don’t need this distraction.
Yes, some people are caring and kind. Others as you say are busy bodies that don’t need to be involved in your life. I would stop taking their calls. Block and delete their numbers. Discard mail or return to sender.
The main thing I got from this forum was a confidence boost that I am doing the right thing to create some sort of boundary for my mom that is healthy for both her and me. I'm giving myself permission to try different things at different times, experiment and see what works. but the main thing is that I am dumping any sort of guilt or worries whether or not I am doing the right thing.
Thank you and bless you all!
It sounds like you have good cause to be concerned that they are trying to cause upset about things that don't really matter.
Keep your antenna up and do whatever you need to do to protect your mom.
If she is determined to have dementia you can activate your POA and stop all contact with these "friends".
how would I go about stopping all contact with friends using POA?
Hugs! God bless you.