How was your experience with your elderly loved one dying of old age?

My dad reached 102 in basically as good a health as a 102 blind, deaf person can be. He still was up in his chair, could go to the bathroom unassisted, etc. BUT he stopped wanting to eat much of anything and lost a tremendous amount of weight and became very frail. One day, without any illness or prelude, he had trouble breathing and even with oxygen didn't perk up. He died that night. Up until the end he knew who people were and he knew he was dying and didn't mind it. I describe it as a good a death as you could wish. He had no pain, no drama, he was in his own bed and I was there as was his grandson. We should all hope for this.

Different experiences with my parents and sister:
My mama: the day she died she did not get out of the bed, which was clue one, then I tried to feed her and she would not take it clue two, she kept asking for my daddy clue three. She coughed up blood, started the labored breathing that lasted about 15 minutes. She never really opened her eyes when she asked for daddy and when she did pass away she just slept and then her chest stopped moving.
My daddy: three weeks before he died he wouldn't and couldn't get out of the bed. His ALZ was bad as far as just wanting to go "home" which was most likely the farm. He knew who his family was he knew me and his children and grand children were. He was in a group home and I had hospice bring him home because I knew in the back of my mind he was going to go and there was no way I would make it there in time if the staff were to call me. So I gathered his children and said we are bringing him home and he will die with us around him. Well he was brought home, set up in a medical bed and two days later I could not get a response from him. I called hospice and they came and gave him muscle relax medications because his body was going through muscle spasms. For three days he did not eat or take liquids he finally went into labored breathing and about 15 to 20 minutes later he was gone and it was very peaceful. Yes we cried but it just seemed like a peaceful sleep he went to.
My sister: She had cancer. The cancer was very aggressive. She did the chemo, everything you could think of. Three days prior she stopped watching tv, she couldn't sit up and she just started to sleep 24 hrs. She did wake and said she need to go to the bathroom and I could not move her and she would not release into the adult diapers - so I had hospice put in a catheter, which relieved the anxiety of having to go. The day she died I gave her the medication - same as my daddy had, and that relaxed her. I kept her favorite programs running on the tv - knowing that she could still hear them. As 11pm came up I was sitting next to her medical bed and I heard her start the labored breathing, I called her daughter and her son and told them get here - they were next door so they came as she took her last breath I prayed and it was peaceful for me but the kids were visibly upset which was expected. We cried together and hugged. We waited for the funeral home to come and then the kids went home.
All three death experiences were just them going to sleep. Mama was the shocker for me but as I have experienced more and more and as my faith grows more and more I become more at peace because I realize that I will see them again.
Please know that as I end this I have said a prayer for you and your family as you go through this.

Right now I'm caring for my Dad who is 96yrs with Lewy Body Dementia (hallucinations - He wakes up thinking his hands are on fire, or someone is trying to kill him, crazy stuff). Also, he's had dysphagia for some time now so all his meals are liquid (Protein powder is main source) He can still get up to use the restroom and even go outside to sit in the patio and tinker for an hour or so, but mostly just sleeps. I hear him talking to all sorts of folks on the other side, brothers, etc., he's been doing this for months so ? My husband passed away last year and the day he died he told me he saw his grandmother just before I arrived at the hospital. He had never really spoken of his grandmother before so that was a big sign for me to know that he might be leaving soon - He died that night! When Mom died, she was first calling for me - I told her to cut the silver cord if she needed to go - it was okay - we will be okay Mom! She patted my hand and a few hours later was calling for her mom and then passed within an hour of that. So, I think no one can ever really know exactly when it will happen - We just have to keep them safe, clean, and comfortable. That's all we can do - it's very sad when they linger on like this. My Dad might be around for a while too - he has longevity in his family - His sister passed away a year ago at 104. My best wishes to you and your Mom. Take care.

How long can this go on? That varies. Read Gretchen Staebler's wonderful book "Motherlode" and you will see it can go on for 104 years or more.

As to our own stories. I am certain each is worth a memoir we don't have time nor the inclination to repeat. My brother was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's dementia at age 84. He died a year and one half later of sepsis from a tiny sore on his shin that he had kept hidden for some time.

Our own stories are individual as our own thumbprints, but what you need now, I suspect, is help with making some decisions for your own life, and I wish you the very best with those, understanding how difficult they will be.

Very sad my wife died at 80. The last 2 years of her life she was bed bound. She could not stand or walk. She needed to be changed several times a day. It is not the way I want to go. near the end I think she just gave up. I gave up my profession to take care of her that was a full time job. I have many stories about her care. Too many to share here. Let’s just say it is a long road filled with unknowns.

My husband was 88 and had been in dialysis and had Congestive heart failure. He went to dialysis on a Monday and helped a man from falling, but he wasn’t supposed to lift anything more than 10lbs.
When he came home that night, he told me and he was anxious all night. At 1:00 he woke me and said something was wrong, off to the hospital. They admitted him and he just kept going down, trouble breathing, put on oxygen, didn’t want to watch tv, that was his favorite thing to do.
They moved him to ICU, said it was just a matter of time. He too was talking to his family members who had been gone for years.
My Grandson and I were on each side of him holding his hand when he let go of ours and put his hands up motioning to someone to come . He did this repeatedly for at least twelve times!!!
I know if my Grandson hadn’t been there he’d of not believed me. My husband was greeting his family and they were coming for him! It was amazing and it made us okay that he was leaving because he was with his family. Of course I wish we hadn’t lost him, but it was quick and he went happy.
All deaths are different and I hope your Mom will go peacefully also when the time comes.
Prayers to you.

As long as a dog has more right to die with dignity than a human being, these stores are going to continue.

You will know when your loved is ready to pass away when the stop eating and their breathing becomes more difficult or shallow. Their body will weaken. Their skin will feel cool. You will hear the death rattle
You will know when life leaves their body. See if her doctor recommends Hospice Care. They will make sure your mom is comfortable. I hope your mom goes peacefully.

Grief is a very individual experience.
I don't think anyone knows how your mother may transition or when.
Its been since 2/23/23 for me and it is still at times a shock. And, Jerry was my friend-companion for close to 20 years. I believe most of my grief / pain is from how he was - that he was assaulted in the Air Force Barrack - beat up - in the middle of the night for being Jewish. He was ridiculed something awful in addition to that one night. No one helped him. Not even the clergy (the Jewish representative there). This was in the 1950s - no name given to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. After he was discharged (he couldn't function), he was told by medical staff (when he tried to get help) to 'go home and forget about it.' He couldn't. He never slept a night after that attack without medication. His PTSD was with him throughout his life. Jerry's saving grace? He found AA (I believe he developed drinking problem due to this event); he realized in his 50s he was an exceptional fine artist and painted, and he found me ... a friend and companion. He was two months shy of turning 90 when he died.

The relationship was difficult.
He wanted a romantic partner; I couldn't be that person (as much as I would have wanted to - and initially tried for the first six months of knowing him).
We were companions; I felt like a lion protecting her cub, esp the last six years of his life - when he needed me most and 'let me in' more to support/help him.
I was his fierce advocate for the best care he could have gotten, considering he lived in Sec 8 housing and ended up in a nursing home (or two).

In terms of grieving, what 'really' shocked me was that I felt I had been preparing the last year of his life for his transitioning/dying - knowing it could be any day. I was as present with him (4-5 days / week visiting) as anyone could have been. However, when he actually died, the grief hit me like a bulldozer. I then spent the next 1 year 2 months 'trying' to get the mental health / grief counseling that my insurance company offered. I would 'give up' and then realize "I REALLY need this' and call again. I wrote letters to the company's CEO and others ... asking for this 'benefit.' I said ... is THIS how you treat parents who have lost their child ... taking him or her to school in the morning and then they are shot and never come home"? You have them wait over a year for the therapy they should get that first week?

I am not comparing my situation - Jerry dying close to 90 - to a parent(s) losing a child although grief is grief - and if insurance companies offer this mental health 'benefit,' it should be available 'soon after' the death of a loved one occurs.

Sorry to go on and on here.
Even though Jerry's transitioning was as 'text book' as aging / declining could be ... nothing prepared me for this grief. I do believe most / more of it is due to how he was brutalized due to being Jewish. . . to think how these young men, 18, in the Air Force Barrack had a prejudice / hatred (?) or simply saw an easy target to pick on ... and they never realize(d) how they ruined a man's life.

Jerry was an extremely good looking young man - model beautiful. kind, sweet, everyone loved him. He never experienced being 'disliked' until he got into the service. He was not equipped on how to handle it.

I share your feelings and grief - you are grieving now. Here's a hug.

Gena / Touch Matters

You cannot know or predict the end. In my brother's case he got sepsis from a tiny sore on his shin and he was resistant to antibiotics. In two weeks time, at 85, he was gone.
The one certainty is change. You will never be able to plan beyond a certain extent.