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We are rural, isolated, and my mother’s granny flat is next to our house. She is having delusions of theft, almost daily, for a year, lab results unremarkable, Dr against psych meds (eyeing a new Dr when COVID19 ends) as she’s already on Prozac, we’ve installed a camera, window locks, have giant dogs, etc. So she has determined we let others make copies of her keys, they know how to disable the camera and the dogs ignore her part of the yard. Almost every day she storms into my house because some trivial thing’s been stolen. Never her wallet, keys, glasses... never loses those. A bowl, scissors, a notebook, a pillowcase, slippers... When I offer to help look she angers, insists that her items are STOLEN, not missing, and, when I assure her I and everyone else misplaces stuff too, she angers even more. Fumes when I find anything. Incredible confabulation follows. She’s rummaging, dumping every drawer, box, etc, and repacking all the time. I’ve offered to help her sort or put things away. We are unable to distract or redirect her. She remembers day after day what’s been stolen and the list lengthens. Even after I find items they’re considered to have been stolen and returned. She becomes very agitated when we try to redirect or distract her. She’ll swear items aren’t hers. I fear that, if we put her in asst living, she’ll be very stressed with so many “thieves” around, plus she’d be unable to take all her stuff. She refuses all care, except from me. Because she becomes so angry when I find items, I’m considering trying “So sorry to hear that’s missing.” but it feels cruel. It seems as if she’d rather be right that they’ve been stolen and mourn the loss than get them back. My family and I are so frustrated. We really want her to feel safe and relaxed. Suggestions? Thank you.

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You might try baskets. Lots and lots of baskets. As long as they are not on the floor and become a trip hazard, open baskets or clear tubs might work for her to be able to see her items at all times instead of having them inside cupboards or drawers.
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Anabanana Apr 2020
She wants opaque containers because, if she can see it, thieves can see it. Suitcases, bags, cardboard boxes... everything is stuffed in something and squirrelled away. I’m thinking about trying her with coloured boxes. Example: Bedding in multiple blue boxes. She likes to split up the sets because thieves will be less likely to take a sheets if they can’t find the matching pillowcases. At least it would narrow down my search.
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Hi Anabanana - I understand your frustration. My Alz. mother went through a period of time where she accused people of stealing her things. She could never be convinced that the missing items were hidden some place in her room. In her mind, she absolutely believed that they were stolen. Thank goodness, she no longer does that now.

For your mother's situation, if it helps her calm down, then you should just agree with her. It's not cruel in my opinion. Tell her she should report to the police or you'll call the police for her tomorrow. Of course, you won't do such thing, it's just to stall and calm her down.

As for the doctor who is against psych med, is s/he recommending an alternative way to help your mother?
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Anabanana Apr 2020
Her Dr dismissed it as normal for her age, and that psych meds might put her at risk of falling. I don’t think that degree of anxiety should be anybody’s “normal”. I had slipped his staff a note explaining incidents that pointed to Alz, asking him to please be discrete, as she’s in denial. Instead he waved the letter around in front of her, demanding to know who’d written it and why should he be discrete about it her acting like she has dementia. Left me struggling to do damage control. (hence my determination to change doctors) My mother is acutely aware of how frustrating it is to deal with someone who is mentally incapacitated enough to think misplaced items have been stolen and feels sorry for a friend whose husband now holds such beliefs. But she can’t or won’t connect her own behaviour. How long did your mother go through this?
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You poor thing. I’m so sorry you and your mom are going through this. It is so painful
for all concerned. I had a good friend who died of Alz a few years ago. She had the same problem with three small vintage purses she prized. She would hide them from herself. Then get angry. Her DIL would find notes where she had written out exactly who had been in her home and it was clear who she thought was taking her things and of course that wasn’t the case and was painful for the accused. Nothing would convince her that she was wrong. Often as the condition worsens, they lose interest in that problem and go onto the next. I know a year is a long time with this issue.
I assume she has been checked for a UTI? That was one of my friends problems. She had them often and would have to be hospitalized. Some doctors don’t understand about how a UTI can cause problems. My aunt had one of those. If they aren’t checking her urine then I would want that done. You can have that done at an urgent care. You might not have to take her in, just the urine. Worth a phone call. Make sure a culture is done for the correct antibiotic if she shows infection. Drug stores sell kits but you would still need the antibiotic if she has an infection.
See if you can find a geriatric physiatrist. They might do an appointment over the phone. My husband has had two dr appointments on the phone since the isolation and they have worked well.
You sound very thorough on what you have done to help. I would try the “let’s call the police tomorrow” to see if that would work to settle her down. I assume you have watched Teepa Snow on YouTube? If not, see if you can pick up any pointers there.
Also anything you can do to get her to reduce her belongings would be less to sort, look through, put away.
This is so hard. I’m really sorry.
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Anabanana Apr 2020
Thank you. Her Dr mentioned that geriatric psychiatrists exist, but nothing further. I am hoping to transfer her to my Dr, as I have a solid, cooperative relationship with mine. Mom is prone to bronchitis so I won’t risk taking her anywhere in public until the danger is over.
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A friend was care-giving for about a year for her mom with Lewey Body dementia and had exactly the same behaviors and paranoia. No medication the doctors tried helped at all. Eventually, the mom was put into a memory care facility and, amazingly, is doing great and LOVES it there! She behaves completely differently and appreciates her daughter's visits now instead of constant criticism and accusations. It turned out to be just what she needed. I think the staff at places like that know how to deal with dementia behaviors better than we as family members can, since we're (maybe) too close to it.
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Anabanana Apr 2020
Thank you. This is what I wondered - have people become more stressed in a care facility or do they relax. I could see it going either way. Once we’re out of isolation I’m going to drag her kicking and screaming (she hates to leave her house because it means she loses sight of her stuff) to a local memory care drop-in program. In the winter I insisted she attend a funeral and she had a wonderful time visiting with people she hadn’t seen in years. I could barely coax her out to bring her home. Was giddy-happy all the way home. The next day she went back to refusing to leave the house. I’d hoped to ride that wave a little longer.
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"I'm so sorry that's missing" is exactly the right thing to say.. you empathize with the feeling, not the fact.

Google Teepa Snow and watch her videos.

Aand yes, you need a geriatric psychiatrist, or someone who understands that a broken brain needs meds, sometimes even antipsychotics, to restore normalcy.
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Annabanana
I have dealt with a couple of LOs who didn’t want to leave home or be in a social situation. One half of an antianxiety pill enabled them to not only go but also enjoy themselves. Ask her doctor about that. I also took my mom to the same Primary. It saved time for both me and the doctor.
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My Mom and I go through the same things with my Dad. He is accusing a neighbor of theirs of stealing tables and various other things from his back yard. He cannot be reasoned with. Thank God he has a mobility issue (I know that sounds bad) but at least he can't walk across the street and accuse the neighbor. Distracting him is hard. He just cannot be rationalized with. So, I too have learned to say, "I know Dad. I'm sorry but there is nothing we can do about it because it's your word against his. No one else saw him take anything and you don't have a camera showing him taking anything." He gets mad and this leads to a shouting match. Mom's dragging her feet about going into ALF. She complains all the time about what she has to go through with him. Then she gets mad at me when I try and help her with things. She is 89 and he is 92. I am a Christian and I pray a lot. I read the bible which reminds me that I am not in control and I can put my faith in Christ. It is easier said than done and I still continue to mess up and do things in a way that I have told myself I will not do. My parents have always been good to me and my brothers (who have now passed which leaves just me to help care for them). It's only been since the aging started to really affect them that they have become less desirable to be around. Neither one of them is willing to come to terms w/the fact that they cannot and will never again be able to do all the things they once did. They have plenty of money to live in the ALF. Well, after a couple of years of this, I have finally accepted the fact that as long as they are considered able to make decisions for themselves I can't for the to go live in AL or allow someone to assit them in their home or live in with them. I just have to take one day at a time and deal with whatever happens to them as it happens and they are unable to do anything for each other any more. They will just have to hit bottom which I have been trying to avoid. So sad.
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