MIL is only 65 and in perfect health. She always wanted to live closer to us when my husband eventually retired out of the military, which happened a couple of years ago. She sold her house and moved in with us a year and a half ago. We love her dearly and she is a lovely person, but we didn’t fully appreciate how our family dynamic would change with her living here. She said before she moved in that there is no way she could just sit around and do nothing all day. We assumed she would lead an active life with occasional separation from the house (she has siblings all around the country she says she wants to visit but has never left to visit anyone). She left a full-time job and a social life to move 900 miles away to be with us. She can’t afford her own place in the area we live and we thought it would be wonderful to have her living under our roof. She was like a best friend to me and I was honestly looking forward to having her with us. Since moving in she has discovered how nice it is to have nothing to do all day and she truly enjoys just sitting around reading and watching TV. We have never asked for rent or help with any expenses. The lack of having our home to ourselves is wearing on us and our daughter. We told her we were concerned that she’s isolating herself by never leaving the house, and she got a job a couple weeks ago that she hates (a “spite” job I believe) and now she resents us and has said that we “betrayed“ her. We never told her she had to work, we simply encouraged her to get an enjoyable part-time job or volunteer… always emphasizing that it isn’t about money, but that she’s young and should have a full life. It’s not what she wants. She’s perfectly happy staying in the house all day long. We would like to move her out. She doesn’t have much monthly income, but she does have investments and the money from the sale of her house. We are able to and willing to pay the monthly mortgage or rent in order to get her a place of her own near us. I respect her choice to live her life how she wants to, I just don’t want someone sitting in my house all day every day for the next 20 to 30 years. We feel incredibly guilty because we invited her to make this move, but it’s just not working for us and I find myself feeling increasingly resentful of her presence and lack of initiation in meal prep, cleaning, purchasing any household supplies, etc…though I realize even if she did those things I would still mourn not having our autonomy as a family. She eats every meal with us and is just constantly around. I feel like a horrible person for wanting her out of my house, but per my husband “we’re responsible for her now.” While I agree that we are responsible for undoing this situation, she is absolutely capable of working and helping pay some of her own way in whatever living arrangement we move forward with. 65 and 100% healthy seems too young to simply retire to a life of doing nothing under your kids roof. I fully acknowledge we failed to clarify expectations around this living arrangement nor did we understand how this would impact our nuclear family. We own that and we’re willing to do what it takes to create a new workable situation with separate living arrangements. Anyone else cross this bridge before who can lend some advice on what worked for you in terms of reversing a living arrangement you agreed to but lived to regret?
You made a mistake. It was well intentioned but still a mistake. People do. We don’t know what we don’t know. Many, many people have made the same mistake. And you know what, MIL made a mistake as well. She may be just as sorry but frozen in inactivity.
Would it be possible for you three to go to a family therapist or to a legal mediator? Perhaps you feel like you have broken your word, her trust or encouraged a wrong action? Is it possible that it was indeed a good idea for MIL to move closer, just not to become a drain or a non functioning dependent?
There is an implied contract but it is not all on you. She presented herself as a friend as well as a mother and MIL, a GM. She presented as an independent woman of sufficient means. but she seemed to move in as a freeloading guest. Perhaps the truth is that she became stuck and afraid. Perhaps the truth was she was burned out with her old job. That she only had it due to seniority. Perhaps she was about to be fired or laid off? At any rate she wasn’t honest with you or maybe she wasn’t honest with herself? All of these are just random thoughts but I think I would tell her that I was concerned and perplexed by her behavior. Ask her if she is as well? Perhaps ask her to go to a neurologist and make sure all is well and then to visit a professional to help her get back on track. Ask yourself, what would a perfect outcome look like to you and your family? Don’t continue to live in an unhappy home. That won’t work for any of you. It is good that she has gotten a job. It might not be the best one but it is a step in the right direction. Wishing you all the best.
A contract should always be made whether its a parent moving in or a child moving in. I have learned that from this forum. You should have expected Mom to pay rent and she should have offered it. There are HUD Senior apts that go by income. If her SS is $1000 a month, rent is 30% of that. In the one near me electric is kept at a certain amt. Heat is included. Cable is paid by renter as is phone. Mom can have a prepaid phone and u can get basic cable and stream.
Do some research on low income apartments in your area. If Mom has money over her SS and/or pension, she should use it. But, if you can pay first months rent and/or Security, that would be nice. The apts in my town have activities and the transit bus picks people up. Common area to get to know other residents. Office of Aging has buses to take someone to appts and shopping.
If Mom does not keep active she will have problems as she ages. It really isn't your responsibility to care for her financially.
If there are 3 of you in the house you divide ALL expenses, gas, water, garbage, insurance, mortgage newspaper, ALL OF IT by 3rd's and she has to pay her share. And she should also begin to do 1/3 of the work around the house. Prep for dinner 2 or 3 days a week, laundry, floors and all the rest of what is involved in keeping a household. She made you do chores when you were a child...same thing now for her.
You can also start by telling her that the current arrangement is not wrking out as you expected it to and she has to look for Senior Housing or other arrangement. A condo, apartment....
If she has to get a job to pay for her portion of household expenses ..great.
YOU and your husband are not responsible for her.
Yes, you encouraged her to move but you did not force her to move.
It has to work, or it doesn’t work at all. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with some honesty here. You three need to sit down at the kitchen table and say it like it is - it isn’t working, and come up with a Plan B. Grown-ups can have grown-up conversations, and you’re not out to hurt her feelings, but just keep going back to the fact that your family needs space - as a family. How you choose to sort out living arrangements is really for you guys to figure out what’s best for you, but there’s no getting out of this without some cold hard honesty.
There may be hurt feelings on both sides of the table, and it might be weird between you a while after, but you’ll be happier for it.
All joking aside, have a Come to Jesus meeting with your MIL once you and DH get on the same page. You said she has the proceeds from the sale of her home along with investments and SSI (I'm sure). That's enough to get her own apartment in a senior living place withOUT you paying a mortgage for her!!!!!!!!!!! I would not agree to do such a thing unless it becomes a huge issue; you have your own retirement to worry about and trust me, it gets here sooner than you think it will! In any event, perhaps you can CONTRIBUTE a little bit towards her rent; buying something at 65 isn't the best idea, really. A senior apartment complex would be ideal; then it's her choice to sit around every day or get out there and LIVE her life and socialize. But tell her the truth; you thought it would work out but it's not. Give her the old 'it's not you it's US' routine and let it go at that. We love you, we just need our privacy and we'll be sure to visit you LOTS at your new place. She can join you for holidays, etc. since you're not abandoning her, just setting her up to live independently. Who'd NOT want to be independent at 65 anyway????
I grew up in a household where my mother begrudgingly took in her mother who was probably the same age as your MIL is now. It was an oil & water personality mix and I was the one who suffered most as a result. My childhood was ruined and everyone living in that house suffered all b/c nobody would speak the truth. The truth was, grandma needed to get OUT of our house. If we all had it to do over again, I'm sure my mother would do the right thing knowing now what she should've known then.
Do the right thing for your family NOW. Your MIL will be fine without living like a slug in your home contributing nothing to anyone. That's not right anyway and she KNOWS it. Life isn't a free ride, nor should it be.
Wishing you the best of luck putting your foot down in a kind and gentle way, knowing it's the right decision for all concerned.
Mom could post an ad on a dating site and maybe find someone to spend time with.
1) Have a chat to your mother's sibling/s. Say that a break would do you good, and ask if they could invite her for a stay for a while. You don’t need to complain or to say that things aren’t working out, just that she has always wanted to visit and a break would be good for your family too. It could well be easier to think through the whole thing when she isn’t right there in your house immediately after the round table discussion.
2) If you can put it as a joint problem about where to go from here, a joint visit to a counselor could really help in this situation. A third party ‘professional’ will put a brake on the hurtful comments about ‘betrayal’, and give a different view to your mother.
Good luck!
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