My mother in law has developed dementia. It has reached a point where she can't stay home by herself, and my husband and his brother have moved her into an assisted living facility. It's a beautiful, expensive facility, but she's unhappy there because it isn't her house, and she wants to return home. My husband has been stressing himself out running to her house across town to get things for her and taking them to her in the facility several times a week, and every time he sees her, she complains and wants to go home.
My husband brought up to me the possibility of having her go back home and having us move in with her, to take care of her. My husband works full time. I stay home and homeschool our early elementary aged child.
I really think this isn't a good idea, for multiple reasons. Our child has developed severe food allergies, and I'm still learning how to cook for this diet. I have health issues and am on a special diet. Adding another person to cook for who has fixed preferences for convential foods would add another layer of cooking labor when it's already overwhelming. I also have limited physical capabilities due to injuries.
My mother in law can be very sweet, but she is often very critical and speaks negatively about people, and has her TV on constantly, tuned to angry politics and violent news. She also collects papers, magazines, and other things, and her home is full to bursting. Not quite hoarders level because it's mostly organized and clean, but there are many boxes and piles of papers. She's been this way as long as I've known her, and I can only imagine it getting worse. My husband gets irritable after spending time with her (again, this has been going on since before the dementia). I don't think I'm physically or emotionally capable of meeting her needs. I think it would be very detrimental to our child. I think it would be extremely detrimental to our marriage. I don't know how I'd be able to adequately homeschool and take our child to activities while being responsible for someone with dementia at home.
On top of this, my mother (who lives in another city) is dealing with cancer right now, and I need the freedom to be able to go and see her on occasion.
Everything in my gut tells me that moving in with her is a bad idea, and that she needs to stay in care, but I dont' know how to tell my husband. I don't want him to think I don't care. I do care, but I think we need to be realistic about what we can handle, and I think this is more than we can handle.
I would only add that it sounds like he's emotionally enmeshed with his mother and needs some healthy boundaries with her. He needs to realize that by moving into her house, he will be seen as being her little boy once again and will be treated as such by her. That will set up an emotional triangle in which he is caught in the middle trying to keep two women happy which want work. What I am saying is that he needs to put his marriage first, his job second and his mom third for she is being cared for at an assisted living.
Also, this running back home every time she complains is a war trying to make her happy that he is not going to win. We can't make others happy. That is something she must find herself. I am sure a lot of people in assisted living places would like to go home, but many of them realize that this is not possible anymore for various reasons and reasoning is something that just can't be done with someone who has dementia so give it up and try distracting the conversation to something else.
I think you two need to be somewhere without distraction from other family members and have a very important heart to heart talk. You may want to begin by empathizing with his concerns about his mom and how hard this must be on him, and then bring up your concerns in light of how you see the bigger picture which you don't feel that his over focus on his mom sees. The less you can sound like you are attacking him, the better this should go. He needs to hear and understand your concerns.
I hope this helps.
You don't know how to tell him? "Darling husband. I don't want you to think I don't care. I do care, but I think we need to be realistic about what we can handle, and I think this is more than we can handle." You can then add the list of reasons: homeschooling, existing difficulties to be accommodated, the need for you to be absent regularly which can only increase, alas, and the fact that your MIL's own care needs also will necessarily increase.
You're right. It's a difficult conversation, but don't be in any doubt that you are correct in your assessment. I'm sorry DH is sad and stressed, but bringing MIL home is not the solution.
DH needs to understand that he cannot make his mother happy (one cannot MAKE anyone else happy!).
His and your energies would be best spent getting her to a mental health professional, perhaps a geriatric psychiatrist; it sounds as though there are underlying issues of long-standing. They might be ameliorated with meds, maybe not, but certainly worth a look.
Ask DH to talk to the social worker or other advisor at the facility. Is his mom happy when he's not there? Many elders are actually perfectly content in their new lives, but harp on their adult children when they come.
When my mom moved to Independent Living, she would call us to complain about one thing or the other. Our response was "mom, you have staff to take care of that" (ants in the kitchen, broken light bulbs, etc).
"Oh, but I don't want to be a complainer".
"Mom, for $5000 a month, they d@mn well better do what they're supposed to". THAT got her attention!
Your husband may think it's the perfect solution since you're home already during the day but who's going to get up with mother-in-law when she awakens at 12:30 a.m. searching for the antique sugar bowl she received on her wedding day?
When the time comes who will be the one who bathes and cleans your mother-in-law?
What will you do after you've been caring for your mother-in-law for 2 years and the resentment and anger and guilt and exhaustion are tearing your marriage apart?
This is more than you can handle. I know your husband is feeling guilty about his mom being in a facility but when people have dementia that's where they usually need to be. I don't know how long she's been there but it can take months and months for someone to get acclimated. Believe me, if he pulls her out now 1.) there will be no going back. Ever. 2.) It will be the beginning of the end of your life as you know it.
Tell your husband he will have to FIRST change to a part time job and then you will make a written agreement as yo exactly which days are HIS and which are YOURS. Make very certain he has the time to honor his part of this labor division...or he will weasel out of it. He doesn't like spending time with her...he wants to dump that on you. Don't let him. Bet he changes his tune in a hurry when he has to FIRST lose his job to be available to her
You are not responsible for her happiness. Do not do this. No one will be happy. And, finally....she is only going to keep getting worse.
I'm starting down the same road myself - my husband's parents sprung on us that they want us to live together - me saying "over my dead body" and my husband wanting us to try. Be direct, be strong - otherwise in a few months we'll be reading your posts about how angry, ill, stressed, and resentful you are.
It will ruin your marriage and you.
Your mother in law will adapt to the nursing home.
Take care of your child first .
My husband ask me to bring his mother to live with us
When I said okay only if he quit his job and stayed home to
care for her it was a different story.
He placed her in a nursing home.
Good luck
Your life will end if you do this - everything will be about 'Mom' and you will come last.
You do *not* want another full time+ job—and that's what being a caretaker is. You will not be able to homeschool nor caretake well having to do both at once. It's too much. Your husband has no business expecting you to be the full-time caretaker for his mother—especially when you are already working full-time educating your child. Though even if you weren't, he still shouldn't expect it. Most people are not emotionally or physically equipped to be a caretaker for another adult. That's a very personal choice and no one should be judged either way.
Homeschooling aside, moving in with your MIL has the potential to be emotionally damaging to your child. No child deserves that. And then your mom is ill on top of this? You have way too many obligations—and you need time to for self care somewhere in all that as a lot of this can be very emotionally exhausting.
Your husband is either exhausted and not thinking straight (which is most likely from the sounds of it) or incredibly selfish to expect this. I agree with others who said it may work well if he cuts down the visits for his sanity and to encourage his mother to settle in more on her own.
Please speak up. If it is hard to find the courage to do for yourself, do it for your child and mother.
What is best is to visit with affirmation and joy, and say when leaving, I'm so glad to see you, I'll be back next Tuesday, big hug, and leave. If they say they want to go home, say, I know, I wish it could be, but we are hoping you will find this a good solution that gives you the help you need now. I love you, see you soon, bye.
I love Katiekate's solution: tell him you will agree when he sets up arrangements for a part time job, and you each agree which days of care belong to each person.
I find it very frustrating to deal with people who get strong opinions based on one piece of a complex situation. All we can do is say, I agree with those concerns, and I think we need to agree based on the whole picture, not rush to accommodate wishes of someone who forgets the hard times she had before - OR - if his mother wants to go home, then tell her she can do so only when a plan is in place to pay for at home caregivers, on a regular basis - not you and your wife. For at home, with impaired abilities, she will be lonely and have many needs, which grow with time. Best to try, after her adjustment, to enjoy some of her hobbies at the facility - like set up easy carry boxes, attractive covers - with items for her hobbies. Also, check out the hobbies in the facility, and see where some of their setups might help her do her hobbies easily - like do they have a room with a long table and good light, where she could make her scrapbook, do they have activities to develop some people's interests?
You are making perfect sense.
If your husband can't come to terms with common sense, just say:
"How can you be happy changing your own mother's diapers?"
BTW staff at these places get a bad rap. Sure there are bad apples but there are also great ones. One woman who my mother likes visited her in the hospital on her off day! I found out then that her own father is in a different facility. She said she couldn't imagine taking care of him alone. " I have a whole crew backing me up at work. That's what my dad needs, a crew. I just need to be his daughter. "
You are going to do the wash
You are the one cleaning
You are the one going to be chasing after her when she wanders
You are the one that will get up at night when she has to go to the bathroom..for the 5th time...
You are going to be the one that will bathe, dress, groom her.
You will be the one that will take her to doctor appointments.
You will be...oh you get the idea!
Personal opinion leave her where she is, she is getting the care that she needs, you can be a loving family when you visit. When you are a caregiver you are never "off duty" at home.
I can bet that once your family moves into HER house she will not be happy either. You will be "invading" her space.
Soon she will resent you there and you will resent her for the amount of time that she is taking you away from the family.
As a parent the main goal is to raise the children you have to "leave the nest" and raise your own family. You have a family to raise. I can also bet that if your Husband had asked his Mom 20 years ago "Would you want me to uproot my family and move in with you so we could help care for you" her answer would have been "NO, I do not want to be a burden"
(Ask your husband if he would want his daughter to move her family in to help care for him when the time comes, see what he says about that)
So unless your Husband and his brother come up with an acceptable solution to hire caregivers moving into her house to care for her does not sound like a good idea.
Listen to Your gut instinct. If You do not feel happy with the idea of
moving in with Your Husbands Mother. Do NOT.
You must protect Your Marriage at all cost, and Your Child too.
Suggest to Your Husband that He organise a Team of Carers Who
will work in rotation with Your Mother in Law in Her own Home.
Knowledge is the key. I don't know if your husband is the type to read and do some research, but if he is, it will absolutely open his eyes, mind, and heart. He will understand that what his mom is doing with her complaining is normal. He may have to stop going less frequently to help her adjust. If you can afford to keep her where she is, I would agree with your gut instincts and keep her there.
As the disease progresses she will need to move to a facility with a higher level of care.
So, I don't know you or your husband, but I do know the caregiver experience with my mom, dementia, stress, frustrations, loneliness, family, friends, finances, my mental health, my full-time job, etc. etc.
You already know the answer, you just need to figure out the best way to explain to your husband why it is not in the best interest of anyone to move your mother-in-law out of the living facility and then your family moving in with her. The level of care that comes down the road can be overwhelming for anyone. With everything going on with you, your children, and your mom. Take care of you, your husband, your children, and both of your moms in a way that works for you and your husband. Good Luck. Take care of yourself :) Many hugs coming your way.
You need to sit down with your husband and explain your feelings and one more thing YOU will be doing all the work!
He'll say you won't but you will, I'm guessing he'll be at work. Then he'll have a bad day at work, you'll be exhausted then the kids will get the heat from it. He needs to understand that this illness is very stressful on families as it is without adding heat to it with moving in with her. There will never be time for you or him. The kids will suffer and he can't say that won't happen because it will. He needs to sit down with the staff their and I bet they have a councelor their and discuss how you will feel and what will happen. My mil hated going also but they got use to it eventually. Plus doctors will tell you the more times you move them the dementia increases with their confusion. If approached in a loving way. Mom you have to stay her for your own safety, get involved with hobby because you need to be here. She'll get mad but eventually move forward. Sad thing she will soon have to move to a nursing home, so the less moving the better. Tell your husband that you have too much on your plate and that it's best health wise for her to remain there and also for sanity of your family and marriage. Good luck and most of all be truthful to yourself!
Many persons with dementia go through a phase where they want to "go home". This happens even when they are in their own home. My mom lived in her home for over 30 years and went through the "I want to go home" phase while sitting in her livingroom. Her needs for physical care will only increase too... You can't do it alone so you will either need to hire help or your husband will need to pitch in. My mom only weighs 80lbs but some days it takes two to change her.
I will say that if you really have a desire and the physical ability, it can be done. I care for my mom with stage 7 Alzheimer's in my home. I also work full-time.. My boss allows me to do all but one 2 hour meeting a week from home. I also home school my 2nd grade grandson....but my husband is retired so I have his support and 4 grown daughters that pitch in. You cannot do it alone.
Have your husband read The 36 Hour Day...and some of the articles and posting about behaviors. He needs to fully understand what he is asking of you and his son. Hang in there and let us know how it goes.
2. If he does not listen, show him the posts from here.
3. If he still does not listen, tell him that you two will need some marriage counseling from a therapist or a pastor.
4. If he still does not listen, then calmly tell him that when his mother arrives at the house that you and your child will leave.
5. It's been three days since starting this thread. Thus, choose now what you will do and make it so.