My mother in law has developed dementia. It has reached a point where she can't stay home by herself, and my husband and his brother have moved her into an assisted living facility. It's a beautiful, expensive facility, but she's unhappy there because it isn't her house, and she wants to return home. My husband has been stressing himself out running to her house across town to get things for her and taking them to her in the facility several times a week, and every time he sees her, she complains and wants to go home.
My husband brought up to me the possibility of having her go back home and having us move in with her, to take care of her. My husband works full time. I stay home and homeschool our early elementary aged child.
I really think this isn't a good idea, for multiple reasons. Our child has developed severe food allergies, and I'm still learning how to cook for this diet. I have health issues and am on a special diet. Adding another person to cook for who has fixed preferences for convential foods would add another layer of cooking labor when it's already overwhelming. I also have limited physical capabilities due to injuries.
My mother in law can be very sweet, but she is often very critical and speaks negatively about people, and has her TV on constantly, tuned to angry politics and violent news. She also collects papers, magazines, and other things, and her home is full to bursting. Not quite hoarders level because it's mostly organized and clean, but there are many boxes and piles of papers. She's been this way as long as I've known her, and I can only imagine it getting worse. My husband gets irritable after spending time with her (again, this has been going on since before the dementia). I don't think I'm physically or emotionally capable of meeting her needs. I think it would be very detrimental to our child. I think it would be extremely detrimental to our marriage. I don't know how I'd be able to adequately homeschool and take our child to activities while being responsible for someone with dementia at home.
On top of this, my mother (who lives in another city) is dealing with cancer right now, and I need the freedom to be able to go and see her on occasion.
Everything in my gut tells me that moving in with her is a bad idea, and that she needs to stay in care, but I dont' know how to tell my husband. I don't want him to think I don't care. I do care, but I think we need to be realistic about what we can handle, and I think this is more than we can handle.
You are making perfect sense.
If your husband can't come to terms with common sense, just say:
"How can you be happy changing your own mother's diapers?"
What is best is to visit with affirmation and joy, and say when leaving, I'm so glad to see you, I'll be back next Tuesday, big hug, and leave. If they say they want to go home, say, I know, I wish it could be, but we are hoping you will find this a good solution that gives you the help you need now. I love you, see you soon, bye.
I love Katiekate's solution: tell him you will agree when he sets up arrangements for a part time job, and you each agree which days of care belong to each person.
I find it very frustrating to deal with people who get strong opinions based on one piece of a complex situation. All we can do is say, I agree with those concerns, and I think we need to agree based on the whole picture, not rush to accommodate wishes of someone who forgets the hard times she had before - OR - if his mother wants to go home, then tell her she can do so only when a plan is in place to pay for at home caregivers, on a regular basis - not you and your wife. For at home, with impaired abilities, she will be lonely and have many needs, which grow with time. Best to try, after her adjustment, to enjoy some of her hobbies at the facility - like set up easy carry boxes, attractive covers - with items for her hobbies. Also, check out the hobbies in the facility, and see where some of their setups might help her do her hobbies easily - like do they have a room with a long table and good light, where she could make her scrapbook, do they have activities to develop some people's interests?
You do *not* want another full time+ job—and that's what being a caretaker is. You will not be able to homeschool nor caretake well having to do both at once. It's too much. Your husband has no business expecting you to be the full-time caretaker for his mother—especially when you are already working full-time educating your child. Though even if you weren't, he still shouldn't expect it. Most people are not emotionally or physically equipped to be a caretaker for another adult. That's a very personal choice and no one should be judged either way.
Homeschooling aside, moving in with your MIL has the potential to be emotionally damaging to your child. No child deserves that. And then your mom is ill on top of this? You have way too many obligations—and you need time to for self care somewhere in all that as a lot of this can be very emotionally exhausting.
Your husband is either exhausted and not thinking straight (which is most likely from the sounds of it) or incredibly selfish to expect this. I agree with others who said it may work well if he cuts down the visits for his sanity and to encourage his mother to settle in more on her own.
Please speak up. If it is hard to find the courage to do for yourself, do it for your child and mother.
Your life will end if you do this - everything will be about 'Mom' and you will come last.
It will ruin your marriage and you.
Your mother in law will adapt to the nursing home.
Take care of your child first .
My husband ask me to bring his mother to live with us
When I said okay only if he quit his job and stayed home to
care for her it was a different story.
He placed her in a nursing home.
Good luck
I'm starting down the same road myself - my husband's parents sprung on us that they want us to live together - me saying "over my dead body" and my husband wanting us to try. Be direct, be strong - otherwise in a few months we'll be reading your posts about how angry, ill, stressed, and resentful you are.
Tell your husband he will have to FIRST change to a part time job and then you will make a written agreement as yo exactly which days are HIS and which are YOURS. Make very certain he has the time to honor his part of this labor division...or he will weasel out of it. He doesn't like spending time with her...he wants to dump that on you. Don't let him. Bet he changes his tune in a hurry when he has to FIRST lose his job to be available to her
You are not responsible for her happiness. Do not do this. No one will be happy. And, finally....she is only going to keep getting worse.
Your husband may think it's the perfect solution since you're home already during the day but who's going to get up with mother-in-law when she awakens at 12:30 a.m. searching for the antique sugar bowl she received on her wedding day?
When the time comes who will be the one who bathes and cleans your mother-in-law?
What will you do after you've been caring for your mother-in-law for 2 years and the resentment and anger and guilt and exhaustion are tearing your marriage apart?
This is more than you can handle. I know your husband is feeling guilty about his mom being in a facility but when people have dementia that's where they usually need to be. I don't know how long she's been there but it can take months and months for someone to get acclimated. Believe me, if he pulls her out now 1.) there will be no going back. Ever. 2.) It will be the beginning of the end of your life as you know it.
DH needs to understand that he cannot make his mother happy (one cannot MAKE anyone else happy!).
His and your energies would be best spent getting her to a mental health professional, perhaps a geriatric psychiatrist; it sounds as though there are underlying issues of long-standing. They might be ameliorated with meds, maybe not, but certainly worth a look.
Ask DH to talk to the social worker or other advisor at the facility. Is his mom happy when he's not there? Many elders are actually perfectly content in their new lives, but harp on their adult children when they come.
When my mom moved to Independent Living, she would call us to complain about one thing or the other. Our response was "mom, you have staff to take care of that" (ants in the kitchen, broken light bulbs, etc).
"Oh, but I don't want to be a complainer".
"Mom, for $5000 a month, they d@mn well better do what they're supposed to". THAT got her attention!
You don't know how to tell him? "Darling husband. I don't want you to think I don't care. I do care, but I think we need to be realistic about what we can handle, and I think this is more than we can handle." You can then add the list of reasons: homeschooling, existing difficulties to be accommodated, the need for you to be absent regularly which can only increase, alas, and the fact that your MIL's own care needs also will necessarily increase.
You're right. It's a difficult conversation, but don't be in any doubt that you are correct in your assessment. I'm sorry DH is sad and stressed, but bringing MIL home is not the solution.
I would only add that it sounds like he's emotionally enmeshed with his mother and needs some healthy boundaries with her. He needs to realize that by moving into her house, he will be seen as being her little boy once again and will be treated as such by her. That will set up an emotional triangle in which he is caught in the middle trying to keep two women happy which want work. What I am saying is that he needs to put his marriage first, his job second and his mom third for she is being cared for at an assisted living.
Also, this running back home every time she complains is a war trying to make her happy that he is not going to win. We can't make others happy. That is something she must find herself. I am sure a lot of people in assisted living places would like to go home, but many of them realize that this is not possible anymore for various reasons and reasoning is something that just can't be done with someone who has dementia so give it up and try distracting the conversation to something else.
I think you two need to be somewhere without distraction from other family members and have a very important heart to heart talk. You may want to begin by empathizing with his concerns about his mom and how hard this must be on him, and then bring up your concerns in light of how you see the bigger picture which you don't feel that his over focus on his mom sees. The less you can sound like you are attacking him, the better this should go. He needs to hear and understand your concerns.
I hope this helps.