Husband & I are retiring, selling home and moving out of state, Mom (90) doesn’t want to go. Can I get on with my life?

I hate to say this but I have no choice. I have learned in life, the hard way, that there are times to be very, very strong - even if you never were and it isn't who you are - to survive and be able to live your life in peace. This seems such a time. This woman lived her life and what she is doing is infringing on your life and your time left on this earth. Do what you can but then THINK OF YOURSELF AND YOUR FUTURE AND MOVE ON. Not necessarily walk away but tell her the way it is going to be from now on and do not waver in doing the best thing for you. She will adapt and if not, that is NOT your problem. Do NOT let the actions of other people ruin your life and destroy YOU.

You have the right to get on with your life. She needs her own life and not a mirror of your's.

Maybe when you leave - and I say do it - maybe she will find friends and be happier. As long as she thinks you will be there each time, she won’t move forward with her own life. They love to control their children, but given the space, they learn to live with others and participate in life! Be blessed you are free birds now.

My mother moved over here by us when she was 85 yrs old and she is 93 yrs old now. If I had the hindsight, I would have made sure she went to assisted living where she would have made many friends and had an active social life. Much more active than what we can do for her. She would have been so much better off. Good luck to you!

you have the right to get on with your life. If mom is healthy and she can take care of herself than you go. you go on with the life that you and your husband deserve.
Your lucky to have a husband who cares about your mom enough to say he wants her to come with you both.
my suggestion is could you possibly find maybe a mother/daughter home that she could have her own place and you could be close god forbid something goes wrong. How about assisted living close to where you buy a home. I know it is tough to get along with moms once you have been out of their home for years. I have been their and done that. I understand.
it is possible if mom says ok to relocate her also. talk to her about it. tell her you and hubby want your own space but want her close with her own privacy.
if mom says no she wont go than you have done all that you can.
that's moms choice and you and hubby should get on with your life and enjoy yourselves.

My guess is that she will not be happy no matter what the situation (she's not been happy yet, right?). So, live your life. We each get only one.
Let your Mom stay where she is, if that's what she wants. She's safe and you can check in by phone and visit when you can. If you haven't already, make sure you establish a relationship with the Director of Nursing and the Executive Director and explain your upcoming move. They'll keep you in the loop with the real story of how Mom is doing (instead of relying on whatever picture she chooses to paint).
Guilt is a monster. Slay it.

Having read a few of the more resent responses here I was reminded of my FIL. I don't know if it applies to any of the situations here but my FIL was one of those people that always had something to complain about. We used to joke when something depressing happened in the news that a call should be coming soon from Grandpa to tell us all about it. It wasn't that he was trying to make us miserable or trying to make us feel guilty, in fact it really had nothing to do with us it was just that his topics of conversation tended to revolve around the bad things happening in the world or the bad things happening in his world, aches and pains or someone else's medical problems. But there was always something to moan about, he liked to send articles from the local paper too, some about a positive milestone involving someone my husband grew up with but mostly about some tragedy, a peer who had passed or some big development being built on undeveloped land, that sort of thing. But he really wasn't trying to be negative or give us a hard time, he wasn't looking for sympathy or pointing out that we weren't doing enough, in fact he seemed just as concerned and interested in my heath issues or what have you (I'm sure he shared with everyone else) it was just his way. For some reason he related more to difficult times, what I would consider negatives, than the positives, he was a glass half empty kind of guy. I tend to look for and remember the positives in a day or a circumstance, he looked for the negatives but not in a malicious way. When I think about it it seems to me that many people of his generation were prone to that. I don't know if maybe living through the great depression has something to do with it or maybe it's just my imagination but there are people I thin of his generation in particular, who focus more on negatives, they just seem to have more interest or re;late better to hardship and while it's easy to hear that as complaints about us, take it personally as we become their caregivers that's not really the case. They aren't directing complaints or negativity at us, they are simply sharing the world the way they see it.

This is going to sound funny but the opposite can be just as exhausting. My mom has the habit of over complimenting, going on and on about how wonderful everyone is or how much they have suffered or done over and above. A great thing and much appreciated until it's no longer special or you know it is not deserved. I get tired of hearing her gush about how wonderful my husband is and all he's done when all he did was give me grief as he got in the car I packed while he skied all day to go visit the family (my DH really is great when it comes to family stuff for the most part don't get me wrong). My point is LO's who go overboard either way, negative or positive, can be trying but that isn't always their intent. All that said I know their are those that live to be cruel, get some perverse pleasure out of it and get some self satisfaction, self worth out of putting others down too.

I had asked how far you were moving, but before leaving this thread I came across where you said you are moving from CA to TN. Presumably you won't be visiting every few weeks! I hope your move goes well and you enjoy your new home, knowing that your mother will be safe and hopedly (if possible for her) adjust to where she is happy.

We had a similar situation, moving from MI to AZ to retire, leaving MIL behind. Two years later decided to move her in with us, at 88.
My best advice, DON'T DO IT!
Friends tried to discourage us, but we felt our mom would be different. Well she proved us wrong!
Every day she complains about something, too hot, too cold, doesn't like our food, doesn't have a car (we drive her everywhere), etc. We are now trying to move her to assisted living near us, but finds faults with that and won't spend her money!
Please think twice! We wouldn't do it again.

Go.

I have a similar dilemma, except my mother is now in a NH since a fall that broke her hip a few years ago. She lived with my husband and me for four years; health started to decline; she moved to ALF where she sustained the fall; surgeries; and eventual nursing home. I am her POA and visit her each Sunday. My sister in law (brothers are deceased except for one who is useless) visits 1-2 month. My mother has dementia; she is bedridden; total care; hoyer lift to transfer from bed to chair due to obesity. The dementia is from a brain aneurysm that ruptured 20+ years ago. She is 82. Her source of enjoyment is visit from me; television; and when she is willing, and its a "good day", she participates in occasional activities at the NH. My husband is retired and 9 years older than me...I'm 62. We would also like to move out of state where cost of living is less. We have plans to move to Asheville, NC (two of my husband's sisters spend part of the year there). We've been holding off until my mother passes away. However, she could live another 10 years, and by that time, my husband will be too old to enjoy his dream of a log cabin on 10 acres in the Smokeys. I appreciate everyone's comments here...maybe we need to re-consider and move sooner than later. I've struggled with guilt feeling as if I would be abandoning my mother if we moved.

Before you pack up and move out of state why not take a L..O..N..G.. vacation. Give her a call once a week. But no grocery delivery. (by the way I hope she is paying for the groceries)
She would then see how it will be if you move away. And you will see how she deals with your moving away.
I am going to paraphrase a quote from Elanore Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel guilty but yourself." I know it is difficult to not feel guilt but you are an adult with a husband, a family and you have earned the right to do with your life what you want. The fact that you and your husband are willing to move your mom to be close to you is great and maybe once you are established in your new home she can come and visit and that might just spark the urge to be close to you again. Then you can look for another nice place for her.
As a matter of fact it might be easier that way as you would not have the stress of moving her at the same time you are moving yourself. (I said after my Husband and I moved into this house my next move will be when they put a tag on my tow and haul me out feet first.)

I have one of those complaining impossible to please Moms, she was always difficult and self centered and as her doctor pointed out “why do you expect different?
thanks for posting because I do get quilted no matter what.
you have a kind husband to want to take her and you’ll probably feel better about yourself if you do.
there is no winning in this situation I’ve found from experience,
a toxic Mother is toxic Whether you are with her or not. Although your just in for more of the same it’s all on you babe. My only brother is deceased, I’m it. The first thing I thought when died was “oh thanks for leaving alone to deal with her.”
a person with less conscious wouldn’t, but that’s not me unfortunately.
except, forgive, and act out of love while disconnecting yourself, try, I know this is a hard one not to let her get to you, don’t interact just be kind.
You will have to live with yourself.
oh and also, 90 year old don’t transplant well, but what does do well? Besides aggravate you.
dont let her, just be kind in the long run you’ll be at peace with that.
and thanks for sharing! I feel better knowing I’m not alone.

The reality is, if the elder has always complained, been self centered etc., then they aren’t going to be pleased no matter where they move to. Moving her near you won’t change it and you know that. Some people enjoy being miserable, pointing it out to family so they can try to "guilt them" and manipulate them. Your mom is in charge of her emotions and reactions. You aren’t, can’t be, and can’t be held responsible for making her happy.
Please move...moving from very expensive CA to TN sounds smart when you’re retired. That’s good enough reason right there.
Things can be managed from a distance, people do it all the time. What if you keeled over...somehow she would still be ok, right?

It seems to me you are between a rock and a hard place. There is no telling how long your mother will live or what kind of health she deteroritate to before she dies. I call myself a worst case scenario planner. Many people make decision by imaging the most positive outcome or at least no significant risk of a bad outcome. I on the other hand try to imagine the worst possible outcome from a decision. For me in your situation, it would be living far from an incompetent parent and having spend hours trying to manage their care from a distant. I then ask myself can I live with that outcome. If I say yes, which I often do, I proceed with my decision. If I say no, I either change my decision or change how I will implement my perfer choice to factor in the negative outcome. At the end of the day, what is the worst possible outcome for you if you move and leave your mother behind? Can you live with it?

As a wise therapist once said to me, "Guilt is when you accidentally drop a baby off a cliff." Please please please stop letting her manipulate and try to guilt you! You've done so much already for her, always putting her first, and you know she'll never be happy and always complain, no matter what you do. Wow, this sounds harsh, but what I read is a 62-year old woman who has already had a heart attack, and who is totally stressed trying to care for this parent who is in a great facility and well cared for. You must put your health, your marriage, your husband, your children and grandchildren and your retirement plans first!! It is not selfish, it's reality. You'll be able to come see her when you can. I was my (roommate) sister's sole caregiver for about two years, while my health deteriorated from the 24/7 stress, losing weight, not sleeping, and I eventually moved her to an assisted living facility. I had to save my health and sanity. She didn't like it, but she was well taken care of. I don't regret that decision; I knew my limits, and it sounds like you know yours. These situations are never easy, but I treasure the helpfulness of this forum, especially when I was going through so much with my sister. We all care about you and wish you the best. Good luck to you.

If you foresee that sometime in the future your mother might want to move nearby you, I suggest you put her name on the list at an appropriate place. Chances are, you will have to move quickly so it would be good to have that in place.

Also, if at all possible, get a durable Power of Attorney for health and financial in place for your mom. That way if she deteriorates mentally, or has a health emergency, you can make decisions for her.

We retired to a different state and moved my mother into a different AL. Am an only child so there was no choice but we moved to a much more affordable state and she likes the AL here. It is more relaxed and half the cost.

I haven't read other responses yet kind of on purpose, it seems like a question that might draw a lot of personal opinion and branch off various directions so I wanted to stay as focused on answering your question as I can first.

My initial reaction & thought reading the question didn't change at all after reading more of the details in the body of your post/question. Yes you can and should move on with your life, you should follow through with whatever plans you and your husband have and or continue to make in the future with no guilt. You have offered to have her go with you, you have both made it clear that there is and always will be a place for her with or near you, wherever you are (a loving and generous thing from you both under any circumstance but after reading more of your story...generous far above and beyond) if she chooses not to go, that's her choice. You have no responsibility to convince her to go with you and you certainly have no responsibility to change your plans or stay. Even if you didn't have plans yet but wanted to make them you should and including an option for your mom either with you or close by is really all you can do.

By the sounds of it she is well enough at least cognitively to be in control of her affairs so ultimately it's up to her, you don't have any control over where she chooses to live (out of the options given to her), don't give her control over where you and your husband decide to live. I understand the details aren't that simple, there will likely come a time when she can't live alone and maybe you will have to make the decision to move her but you can only try to prepare for that you can't live your life for it now, make your life decisions based on that possibility. Let your mom make her housing and location decisions, you make yours and if you can get your mom to think ahead and prepare, lay the ground work for the future, great. If not you can do your research about places near your new home to prepare for yourself and you can establish the boundaries you need to and a pattern of visits and involvement in her life where she is now that works into your life. If moving means you can only visit once every 3 or 6 months, so be it and if she complains remind her it was and is her choice, you offered for her to move with you. Set up a relationship with the people around her, maybe set up some security cameras, an Amazon or Google version of electronic methods to visit and be present. But live your life, include her as much as you want and she is willing but don't fight her, save that, pick your battles because there are bound to be more to come and don't waste your happiness, time and energy on guilt. I don't see anything in your post that gives me any sense of something you might feel guilty about. You might try being clear and upfront about how her decisions now, willingness or lack of willingness to prepare for, make decisions about future possibilities may make all the difference about how much control she has over the future but again don't let it dominate your life, especially if she isn't cooperative. I mention all of that because now as there are big changes happening is a good time to talk about those things and it might help her transition better, not create barriers if she feels in control and has things to do that make her an active part of your life and her own, planning for her future around your new living situation might give her just that.

Good luck and enjoy this new and exciting chapter in your lives! It sounds great, I'm jealous.

Definitely take care of yourself first! You’re no good to anyone if you’re unhappy and stressed. It sounds like the move will be a good one, close to your grand baby, your children... and if you stay, you’ll be giving that up.
Mom is safe and healthy. I know you’d like her to be safe, healthy AND happy, (we all wish for that) but happiness has to start with Mom. You can’t make mom happy if she’s determined to be miserable. However, you can make yourself happy.
mom can always decide for herself if she wants to move later on.... it doesn’t mean that she’s staying where she is forever. Let her do it on her terms (when and IF she moves near you)...
enjoy your new endeavor!

Yes the decision. You have to understand that being difficult does not mean she is independent, She fell which means she is not independent. If you move, you must consider taking her with you because you will be worried about her and you cannot separate yourself from the situation at hand and will you may resent your husband if something happens. If she lives with you, then she will kick and scream, but eventually, she has to comply with the living situation, and maybe grateful in the end. It's hard to caregive when the parent is difficult , but in the end of their lives. it's like they are the child and you must make these decisions for their care and safety. My mother kicked and screamed until she had to give in because she got lost and thank God she was found and I was able to care for her even though she was healthy but she did have short term memory issues. I hope this helps you!!

This is not an easy decision. There is always the possibility of guilt and regret later. I would move her to a nearby facility. I gave up 8 years of my life, but I would not have done it differently, however every situation, loved one, and caregiver is different.

I wouldn't take her with you. What for? So that she can more conveniently rain on your parade?

You may find that once you're not available she's better motivated to interact with her neighbours.

You may also want to tinker cautiously with the grocery list and see if you can't nudge her towards eating downstairs that way.

How long is the journey going to be after you move? I realise this might be impractical; but if you design yourself a schedule of visits - whether that's Christmas, Easter, Whitsun; once every two months; every other blue moon; whatever - you might find that eases your mind about the guilt.

You are NOT abandoning this lady. You are just recognising the limits of what you can really, usefully do for her.

Oops, I meant superior court.

Is she in the AL or independent living space? Brookdale is top of the line facility where I live with increasing care options.

I would just tell her, we are moving and you are welcome to move to x facility in the same city or you can stay here. Those are the only options mom.

If she stays get her set up with a fudiciary that can be a liaison for you and help her if needed so you are not being pulled back continually. Make sure they are licensed and I believe it is certification through the supreme court, check your area. They are a bit pricey 100.00 to 160.00 an hour but cheaper then you flying back and forth, also a good one will have resources that you can utilize for less money. Get her set up with the visiting physicians group through brookdale, that way she can be see on site.

It sounds like she will be unhappy no matter where she lives, try not to own her feelings. Only she can change her outlook and I have learned, some people are only happy when they are miserable, joyous if they can make someone else miserable.

Get her set up and go enjoy your retirement.

I definitely wouldnt move her in, but would it be out if the question to transfer her to another AL apartment nearer you?

You are a grown woman and so is your mother. I’m assuming she is well mentally, too. Is she in a situation where if she falls or otherwise needs medical help it is available to her? Or, does she have a Med alert necklace handy?

I’m curious as to why, if your husband knows you are burned out and had enough, he wants his mother-in-law to come with. That’s rather inconsiderate of your wishes, isn’t it?
Or, does he fear that you may obsess over your mother’s well-being?

Make the move. Make sure all Mom’s papers are in order, the facility is aware that you’re moving and where, and go. Visit occasionally. Don’t get caught up in her complaining and negativity when you do. When you aren’t at her beck and call 24/7, she may just change her tune.

You & hubby should make the move. Without Mom.

Mom is in a good set-up. And Mom is unhappy no matter where she is (proven over & over for the last 2 years).

Do what makes YOU happy & nurtures YOUR marriage and go where YOU want to go.

You can call Mom. Skype/facetime. Write letters. Send cards. Upload photos to a digital photo frame. Send care packages. Visit.

There’s nothing unusual about an adult child living in a different city than his/her parents.

We get so wrapped up in our aging parents’ crap. Especially emotional blackmail. And we’re so close to it, we lose sight of how warped the dynamic can get. (Sounds like hubby has a dose of that, too.)

Be free! Mom is safe, secure and healthy. It’s time to focus on yourself. (((big hugs)))

I would think it depends if you are her medical power of attorney. However I do know a friend who is a nurse who managed her mother’s last illness from another state. I would think of what would you do if she needs specialist care. Would you be traveling back and forth to attend to her? Very tough decision and I wish you the best.

Definitely make the move, with your husband & without your mom. (Because you have 2 years experience with your mother being unreasonable & difficult). It will be best for your peace, as long as your husband agrees. Others will put guilt on you, but don't let it stop you. Some elderly live to 95 or over 100 yrs old. (Imagine being stuck living with her for that long)! Sorry, but that could even destroy your marriage. Instead, have a Happy Retirement☺✌🙋

Hard one here. Is this an independent living where meals are provided? Activities? Do u have anyone can look in on her?

When we had my Mom I was 65 and husband was 68, retired for 5 years. We were caring for her 24/7 with no help from my siblings. Alk I could think is that we would have her for years and then our health would deteriorate or one of us would pass. No enjoying our retirement. As someone said on this forum, Seniors caring for Seniors.

This is just a hard decision.