I try to visit him every other day and I feel he is well cared for. He asks to come home and I tell him that he can when he's better. I don't think he will ever come home. I just feel so discouraged and lost. It's very difficult to have to worry about everything, bills, house upkeep etc. Our daughter calls when she has time and doesn't understand all that's involved and she does live far away from me.
Are there any words of wisdom or encouragement to help? I do volunteer at the Senior Center 2 times a week, I thought that might help seeing plenty of people but it doesn't. I would appreciate any thoughts?
That said, why not think about downsizing and moving to a senior independent apartment one of these days? It's a lot easier on the pocketbook and there's no real upkeep to an apartment vs. a home. You'll likely make new friends and not have to rely on your daughter for socialization. There's nothing like developing a network of friends of your own to get you into a better frame of mind and new way of life!
And last but not least, you may want to think about getting some therapy to help you with this phase of your life. Someone to help you develop new coping strategies and give you ideas to encourage your own personal development is always a good idea.
Try to remember that DH is well cared for in a safe Memory Care ALF and while you feel lost and discouraged, you made a wise decision by placing him in such an environment. My mother lives in a Memory Care herself, and always talks about 'going home', but such a thing isn't possible. I feel like she's really talking about a place in TIME more than a brick & mortar building anyway, since she hasn't had a house since 2011. Keep in mind that with dementia, they say a lot of things that we shouldn't take personally or internalize, you know? It's hard, I know.....I always leave a visit with her feeling despondent myself. Dementia has a way of leaving everyone feeling blue, doesn't it?
Wishing you the best of luck with everything you have on your plate right now. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace, too.
Thank you and God Bless for your help, I appreciate you so much.
Sending hugs & prayers to you too. Roofie
I think one thing older people don't tend to expect is great upheaval in their lives prior BEFORE a spouse dies, but oftentimes that's exactly what happens. You have had a big change in your life just as your husband has, and it does take time to adapt to it, especially if you now have tasks to handle that you didn't have before.
The important thing, I think, is not to suffer in silence and to ask for help from your daughter rather than wait for her to find the time to call. I hope you're also having a social life, not just volunteering at the senior center. You need someone to commiserate with, and to swap stories of how to cope with these big changes.
My dad cared for my mother with dementia for four years before he died, and he'd have lost his mind if he wasn't able to go to his weekly Rotary Club meetings, to church, and even just out to the grocery stores to do his weekly rounds of sale shopping. I came up to visit once or twice a week, and he'd just talk and talk -- not complain -- but he needed the social interaction. It wasn't until I had to move in with my folks once my dad got sick did I truly realize how isolating his existence was. He had told me, "My world is getting smaller and smaller," and I really understood it then. However, he took it upon himself to expand his world as much as was feasible while caring for Mom, and I think he was as content as he could be in his situation.
My point is that you're going to have to go out on a bit of a limb yourself to find things to keep you content. The senior center work isn't enough, so add another activity in there as well. Try to go to lunch once a week, with a friend or even alone. Get a book on how to organize yourself and the household. There are books for late-blooming young adults on "adulting," and while it might seem a little patronizing to get one, you might find some good tips in one. I bought one for my 23-year-old son, and it has yet to work, :-) but you have a head start on some of that.
Good luck, and yes, it'll be better -- just different.
God Bless you and your kind thoughts. Roofie
I agree with other poster that you should downsize. Either into senior living in a complex for over 55 with your own independent apartment OR into assisted living (some have independent living apartments and then you can transition into AL if and when it becomes necessary). Living by yourself in your home is A LOT.
I'm glad that you are volunteering. It sounds like you do need more than this. Do you have friends that you can call and set up lunch dates? Or cards? Or a walk? Something to get you out of the house and having some fun. Maybe join a gym and get some exercise which is good for helping you feel better.
Good luck!
I have been thinking about living in an assisted community, I'm not sure.
I just don't want to make a wrong decision that I'll regret.
Thank you for taking the time to help me with all your suggestions. I appreciate you.
God Bless, Roofie
It is difficult having your husband in the care of others.
Do you belong to a Support Group? Often Memory Care facilities will have Support Groups for family members. If they don't you might want to suggest that one get started. Support Groups can be of great help.
Do you have a pet? I can not imagine getting home and not having my 3 dogs waiting for me.
Stay strong, keep busy and know you have done what is best for both you and him.
God Bless you for your response, it helps to know I'm not alone. Roofie
When a loved one is in Memory Care, it's not that different from being widowed - because the spouse is not "there" for us, physically or emotionally.
As others have suggested, you might consider downsizing and moving into a senior apartment where you would not have so much upkeep.
You might also need more social outlets than just volunteering at the Senior Center. You might even consider a part-time job, as many places are desperate for workers right now.
https://www.nami.org/NAMI/media/NAMI-Media/BlogImageArchive/2020/NAMI-National-HelpLine-WarmLine-Directory-3-11-20.pdf
Also some people have suggested that you get part time job, volunteer, look into down sizing and move, and/or join a support group. However, I know you love husband dearly and if you were to undertake some of these suggestions it would take away the precious time you can have with your husband. Yes, it’s a big adjustment and it HURTS, but he is still here with you. Go see him everyday, make it like a holiday/vacation event. You can still cook for him and bring him his favorite treats. Talk about subjects you always gossiped about. Bring the dog along. Bring little gifts. Participate with him in the activities at the MC facility. Bring the newspaper and read it to him. Be creative!
So instead of looking at the past with longing, start creating a present that is more peace-filled. Some folks find journaling helps to process their feelings. Some folks find creating a project board with pictures and/or phrases helps. Some find help discussing their feelings with a pastor or counsellor. Some find solace and centering in The Bible or other faith-based literature. Some find prayer helpful. Some find downsizing and organizing helpful to calm the chaos.
Usually a little of all those help me - especially since our military life had our family moving over 25 times in 30 years. I usually could name a few things I was happy to leave from wherever was our current home. I also took time to find several things to look forward to in our new assignment. It became a habit to look at our belongings every spring and purge whatever we hadn't used in the last year. I helped our children to find ways to keep connections with their friends - not always successful, but at least a worthy effort. Many times we found new experiences that became part of our day-to-day life. My guess is you will too.
Why not let husband come back home and hire a Caregiver to help you out.
It really isn't any fun living in memory care and truth be told, they are all understaffed.
Your hubby would be happier living at home if that is at all possible.
If he's been in the Military, you could get up to 30 hrs a week free help.
Prayers
Your LO is still here. Every time you feel sorrow for missing him at home, you can call the MC facility or you can go there to be with him, even if it is just to check up on him while he is sleeping. Maybe get a phone app camera so you can see him in his room. Go have breakfast with him. Leave and comeback later. Life is short, make the most of the time you still have with your husband.
Take things one a time. Thinking of everything you need at once is overwhelming. Are your bills up to date? Can you manage your paper work? is someone mowing the lawn? Is anything on the house broken or leaking? Have you made an appointment for your fall furnace check?
Take a breath. Enjoy the time you are visiting your husband and be thankful he is being well taken care of. When he asks to come home, tell him you love him and would love to have him come home, but right now he still needs to be here (in the facility) where the nurse is.