I am 86 and am as physically independent as is possible. AL is my own choice, but how do I accept the "loss" of so much I have to let go of?

I think the grief that accompanies major life changes just has to be accepted as natural, and hopefully with time you will adjust and even prefer your new normal.

Emily,

It’s perfectly normal to experience a sense of loss as you transition into a new phase of your life. You’re saying goodbye to being fully independent but you’re gaining security in other areas.

You seem to be fully aware of how you feel about your move into assisted living. It’s healthy to acknowledge your feelings instead of suppressing them.

I am not worried about you. You have the right attitude. You will adjust accordingly and grow to embrace your new surroundings.

Wishing you peace of mind as you continue on this journey and much happiness in your assisted living facility.

I am 81. I call this NORMAL.
Why would we NOT have a problem with all we are giving up? I can tell you I pride myself in downsizing. I was a collector and had this pottery collection and that one. Now I am down to two and downsizing THEM. I have torn down my photo albums, got rid of duplicates, and thrown out many things my daughter doesn't want from me and I should not leave for her to get rid of. The photos are down to one neat arranged plastic box that says "S. Look at these once and then THROW". She's capable at early 60s of deciding what to meld with her OWN stuff! All the things that were memories are passed on to kids already, or done away with.

PS that stuff I let go of? Includes a beautiful cabin, all glass, with a hedgerow in which the deer and foxes played. You know, I don't miss it? I still walk that land in my heart and mind any time I want. The family ornaments? No one really wanted them. I gave them away. For a tiny bit it hurt. It doesn't now. All of that--all of it--I just don't get to take it with me other than in my heart while I live.

Heck Emily. You and me? We alREADY faced down some changes in our lives, right? I changed out MEN more than a few times. We could likely sit together in the gazebo where my bro was and gossip quite happily together a while, and then retire to our own little room(s).

I think you can do it. D., my brother said "You know, hon, this is like a 60s commune sometimes. WE all bicker about whether the shades should be up to get some sun in the common room or whether it's too much glare. We have the occ. rough words or bicker. But we have cottage meetings to clear it up and at least we don't have to decide who cooks".

I think you can do it. You are fretting about it and we always fret about change. That's fine. Shows you think about it. Shows you are a careful person who cares about it.
I think you'll be fine. And you are a year or so ahead of me --should I live so long--so I hope you will come HERE and tell ME how it goes!

House is neat and spare and more open and to tell the truth I have come to LIKE it that way.
I am somewhat reclusive. Not very social. Not a dresser in that I wear my jeans, a tee and a sweater daily. But, a little socializing, a few games, a shared meal in the common room looked kind of good when my bro did it (he was 7 years my senior.)

Emily ,
You sound like a very lovely sensible woman . Change is HARD. This is perfectly normal to feel as you do . But you also have a good attitude about trying to make the best of your new phase of life . I wish you well !!
I’m nearly 3 decades younger but aspire to make the best of things as I age . That is what I learned from taking care of elderly who didn’t do that and wasted time being angry all the time .

Change is always hard and it will be an adjustment. It is an emotional loss. I applaud that you took the initiative to do this on your own. I hope you quickly adjust to your new life and that you are happy.

Change is hard at any time of life. As u get older it gets harder. I am 74 and right now sitting in my Den that is one room of 7 and 2 baths. A 4 bedroom split level. I know one of these days we are going to need to downsize. But the stuff we have accumulated!

My Mom was in an AL. I live in my Den so one room no big deal. I probably will eat better if someone else cooks it. I can socialize or not. Join in outings or not. Still have my freedom to drive.

Emily, welcome!

I'm curious why Assisted Living and not Independent Living.

My mom moved at 88 to an IL place that provided three meals a day and lots of activities.

If you don't need help with toileting, showering and dressing, maybe AL is overkill?

My Aunt, a sensible lady transitioned the best of anyone I know. Yet she too had to overcome what to do with things. Dear things that hold memories, clothes you loved, furniture saved up for..
(The Stress of Stuff I call it).

Usually when you move you take it all & unpack. But downsizing needs much discarding first.

My clever cousin found a solution.
After getting bogged in what to discard, she flipped it into
*What to keep*

From the NEW space. Fresh eyes.
What would look good & feel right HERE? Lists were made. Items described & collected.

This method also works for holiday packing for me. I have stood stupified wondering how to fit all my clothes, books etc. *flip* get my bag out & place in a separate room. Picture my days. What do I want to wear/take/do? Take only that.

Picture the new space. Or better yet BE in the new space to plan.

You'll do great!

If you are a collector, keep one item from each collection to display on a shelf or small curio cabinet in your new place.

Up top of this page is a category called "Find Care". If you click on it and fill out the info form, A Place For Mom will contact you with various senior living options in your area.

Best of luck.

Another tip that I like is from Marie Kondo (Japanese author & queen of tidying up). Many may find this silly or too out there (my husband calls it nuts).

Each item you discard, you hold it & thank it. Outloud even. Then say goodbye & release it. (To the thrift store for someone else or to the great landfill if it's time).

Thank you for being my second best pair of scissors, you served me well. Goodbye.

The look on my husband's face was worth it 😜

Emily, I am 86 and moved from my family home of 40 years to a condo last October. The way things worked out as I downsized, which took some time, I did all my grieving of the losses so I was more than ready for the change. I got rid of a lot. Family didn't want much at all. I brought some things that I now know I can let go of and that's ok. Another trip to the thrift shop. My life in the condo has to be simpler. It is much smaller and much more social, both of which are good.

I see from your profile you are having trouble finding help to downsize. Have you tried local churches to see if anyone there will help? Perhaps your local Agency for Aging has some ideas.

It's my belief that the pain of any loss has to be grieved - processed. I did this as I downsized. Feel your feelings but don't wallow in them. Maybe set a daily time to feel your losses, shed some tears then get up and have a cup of tea or read or go for a walk. I find during a walk I can let my feelings flow. Just find what works for you. Moving has been said to be the most stressful life event, higher even than marriage. After I read that recently, I cut myself some slack.

You will get through it. I wish you well in finding the right place for you and the help you need to get there. (((((Hugs)))) and prayers.

When we moved from our 'family home' 2 years ago to our 'retirement home' I slowly began decluttering and getting rid of a lot of stuff. Slowly, that was the key.

Our new home is 1000 sf BIGGER than our other home. I was determined to not fill it to the brim with stuff. (In fairness, we had 5 kids in a 1800 sf home--so just the necessities filled the house!)

Even now, having given away/thrown away so much stuff, I find I want to compress my belongings even more. I'm going to go at my closet next--I have accepted that a lot of my clothes will never fit me again. Or I simply don't wear them! I actually have a ton of closets in the 'new house' that are EMPTY and they are going to stay that way.

I do the Marie Kondo method, but without the emotion-less attitude that she seems to have.

You will be so glad to have downsized before you move to an ALF apartment. Made those decisions on your own!! My MIL is moving (100% against her will) to an ALF and it's pure misery for all of us who are pushing this to happen. She cannot take everything she wants and the space is limited, so instead of taking what's necessary and making the space seem less crowded, she's choosing to take as much as she can.

Your attitude is amazing!! You will meet new friends, enjoy activities and outings that maybe aren't available to you now. It really is like 90% in your attitude that you will decide if you are going to be happy or not.

I wish you luck in this next stage of your journey!!

My mother in law will be 102 soon. She did not move into assisted living until last year. She is very independent and was still driving until recently. She had a 3 bedroom 2 bath condo filled with beautiful things. She thought she was going to get big bucks from hiring an auctioneer to take sell her things. She was extremely disappointed and got pennies on the dollar. Her furnishings were not in fashion for todays homes. We were disappointed that she did not ask us if we wanted anything. She didn't even share the auctioneers information so we could go and attempt to buy something. She is very stubborn and hard headed and always wants to prove that she is handling her life and her things. She was in over her head and ended up letting this person take framed photos that we cannot replace and all of her clothing! She then had to go out and buy several outfits. Pride commeth before the fall kept ringing in my ears as all of this was playing out. So I guess my MIL has just the opposite problem from you as none of the things really meant anything and she just wanted the money. My advice to you is:
1)These things are just things....so pick out the things that mean the most to you and that you will actively need and use in your new assisted living place. Dont over clutter your new apartment. Less is more. Your bed and bedding, a comfortable chair or two and your television. Your clothing and personal bathroom items, a framed picture or two, a mirror...
2) If you have things you would like to give a family member or friend, now is the time to do it. You can give them history behind the item and why you would like them to have it.
3) Pick a charity that you care about and donate some items to them. Goodwill, Amvets, a battered womans shelter, etc.
4) Have someone help you sell or donate the rest and don't look back. Focus on being healthy and enjoying nature and friendships and your life! That is what's valuable!

My mom will be 86 in a couple of months. She moved to an independent living apartment in May 2023 (they also have AL and skilled nursing on premises). She had owned a home since before I was born, so I'm sure it was difficult for her giving up her home and yard and many of her prized possessions. You just can't take so much moving from a 3 bedroom home to a 1 bedroom apartment! One thing I have been very happy to see is that she's developing relationships in her new community, making friends and participating in the social events. She seems happier with her new community than she was living alone. My two brothers and I are all local, but with our own families and jobs we're not there every day like her new community. There's always someone to eat with, chat with in the hallway, etc.

I'm glad to see you are planning on participating in the social scene in your new community. I hope that in a few months' time you'll feel at home and positive about the move.

I certainly feel for you and hope you can find some suggestions here and elsewhere that can help you. There are websites, books, and Facebook groups for people trying to declutter and organize. Some I can relate to, some are not for me (the Kondo method, lol!). I have trouble letting go of things I may need some time in the future. Perhaps start with those type of items, not as much emotional attachment and your situation is probably such that you can see that you won't need those things in AL. Just start somewhere, and the hopefully the more you let go the easier it will get (NOT easy, just easier). For someone with a history of anxiety and depression, I applaud you being able to look at the positives of a move to AL. And as you find what works for you, I'm sure your coming back and sharing here will be a tremendous help to others.

I can only speak from theory. However, this is what has worked for me.

I had to move from a house, downsize to paid storage, and move across the continent to a new place where I had no furniture and could not bring any of my stuff, except what was in my suitcase, with me.

My biggest barrier to eliminating my stuff was in my head. I kept on thinking how there must be someone who would want my excess stuff as some was brand new (clothes, towels, sheets, etc.) and some was barely used. People told me stories of parent's stuff in storage after they passed and 5 years later, mice, insects and other things had gotten into it and destroyed it.

With that in mind, I decided to give away whatever I couldn't store. However, my next issue was "who would I give it to? who would take it?" and worst of all "I want to throw this out but I can't put it into regular trash (computer, electronics, tvs, etc.) So I made regular trips with car full of stuff to Salvation Army, Goodwill, Habitat for Humanity ReStore and other local places. It helps to have a friend help you through this as you sort. I read and re-read the book that talks about "if you haven't used it in 6 months, give it away." So I gave away a lot of things that I didn't want to part with, but I didn't want to store either.

Then I prioritized my stuff and hired someone to pack all my remaining stuff into a 10' x 20' storage locker. Of course it did not fit. Because I still had 2 weeks left before I had to leave, I rented another 10' x 10' storage space and re-prioritized what was left Whatever did not fit, I donated.

On my way to my new place, it was a huge sense of relief and loss. There were some things I had to give away that I really didn't want to. However, at my new place, it pained me to get new silverware and a set of dishes and a set of pot and pans, brooms, etc. However, this time, I only bought what I needed and borrowed the rest.

Then I got into volunteering instead of staying all day in my new place. For me, that helps eliminate the need for stuff, like the many different shapes of pans for baking, the many different types of drinkware, etc. Anything for short term use, I borrowed (and the people who had it were so happy to let me borrow it because it would be used, instead of just taking up room.)

5 years later, I still lament the loss occasionally, as I know I will go back to where my stuff is. However, because I am older, I am finding out that because of my age, I can no longer do the same things that I used to do. I think about those 2 storage units and what is in them, and I am overwhelmed thinking about what is in there and what I will do with all that stuff.

So, my advice is, give away what you can, get a storage unit for those things that you cannot part with. If helpful, set up the storage unit so that you can touch those things that give your comfort and prioritize, prioritize, prioritize your stuff.

Once you move into your new place, you will find it easier to look at the old stuff more objectively, and perhaps be able to let that stuff go too. If not, at least you can go to the storage unit, touch it, go through it, and reminisce.

I feel for you. I have a lot of people around me who just say "toss it", however, that just makes me not want to talk to them about "my stuff" anymore so don't let those people cloud your judgement.

P.S. The monthly cost to keep that storage unit may motivate you to eliminate the stuff in there. People with lots of disposable income just buy another house to put it in, however, I can't afford that.

My best wishes to you on your journey.

I feel your pain. We had to downsize and I tried to sell a lot, but only got pennies on the dollar. I finally gave away a lot of furniture. It will only be painful for a little while. The newness and excitement of a new place and new people will take over your time and emotions.

When getting rid of stuff, keep your new place in mind. Can you see it in advance? Take some measurements or photos of the new place? Then at least with furniture, you will know what fits…your dresser, your TV, etc. For clothes only keep stuff that you love and that fit. Photos can be digitized or kept in an album.

It’s just stuff after all, honor yourself - not clothes or furniture or dust catchers.

Keep in mind the following - “if everything is important, than NOTHING is important”.

If you can take your time and do a little each day. Remember you really don’t want every flat surface of your new place covered with stuff. Keep in mind this is a fresh start and you don’t need to be bogged down with a bunch of stuff. You will be happier in a simpler setting…make friends and try to get involved in the activities your new place offers.

I am newly diagnosed and have had to give up living independently to live with my (wonderful) family and grandkids. I too have watched my life disappear bit by bit, piece by piece. I go through periods of grief and anger, helplessness at my increased dependence on others, and an unwillingness still to accept that this will be my life now (I'm 77). I don't feel like I will ever get to "acceptance." I'm sorry I have no wisdom for your question about "how to deal."

Emily86: At 77 years of age, I routinely purge items no longer needed. If you also can do so, it may make moving a less monumental task.

AlvaDeer: Agreed--I think I'd enjoy the Gazebo, too. And even more so because you're a "California girl" like me. I grew up in the Oakland/Piedmont area--spent time in San Francisco, too. Moved to Western WA with (ex) spouse #2 in 1969. Stayed and met spouse #3 (current and last).

I can relate to what you're saying because even though I am still 66 I think a lot about the times when I will not be able to function. I have watched my parents demise and from the way things have happened mine is on the way obviously. So to help myself feel better I ask the higher power to take me just before I become a burden. I know it's a bit unrealistic, but it helps relieve my anxiety.
Hugs

I am in the process of purging to get ready to downsize . Letting go of things is not the problem . The problem is letting go of the actual house . It’s not helping that my kids recently told us they are sad that we would sell the house . I didn’t think it would bother them so much . They said it’s still home to them . ( It’s been years since they moved out ) . Now it’s bothering me even more since they expressed their sadness .

I find you very wise to be taking this step. I’ve read the cute little book The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning which isn’t morbid as it might sound. It’s about the concept of not leaving your mess behind for your offspring or others to deal with. It’s caused us to pare down a lot and realize that a home is just a house, home can truly be anywhere, and the stuff in it isn’t the important thing.
Also, I saw with my dad, that when the losses of family, friends, and abilities piled up, a small dose of Zoloft really helped his mental health. This is something you may want to look into, there’s no shame in getting medicinal help for this. I wish you peace

I can empathize, as I'm 81 and thinking about next steps. Getting older is no fun, as our world gets smaller and smaller both literally and figuratively. We already downsized once from a house to a condo and moved several hours away to be nearer to family. It's a great condo, a cape style that allows for single floor living if needed. My husband really didn't want to leave the area where we'd lived for 50+ years but he had Parkinson's and I wanted to be closer to family, and also to better medical care. My husband passed away about 5 years after the move so for the past almost 2 years I've been alone in a 1,300+ sq ft condo. I'm still very active, my health is pretty good, I drive, travel, do volunteer work, etc. so am not at the point of considering AL. However, at the urging of family I do have myself on wait lists for several places that have a continuum of care from independent apartments/cottages to AL, memory care, and SNF. At my age anything could happen at any time. If a spot comes up, I can always turn it down and not lose my place in line, so to speak. I'm a planner and organizer by nature, but also have a degree of inertia when it comes to clearing and purging things I'm no longer using. Already purged a lot when we moved. One thing that helps me is to not think about what I will need to be "losing" but rather to think about what I would take with me in different scenarios, e.g., if I move to a smaller independent apartment, imagine what furniture I would take, what stuff from the kitchen, art, etc. Same if I have to move to AL. I've told my kids that I absolutely don't want to be a burden and they should have no compunctions about placing me in AL or SNF if I'm in a situation where I can't make the decision for myself. I have my will, POA, healthcare directive, etc. all set up. But I do need to get other wishes spelled out in more detail in writing.

I’d try turning the problem on it’s head. Find your preferred AL, and work out how much space there is in it for your ‘stuff’. Then take a look at all those belongings, and choose which are so special that they will fit into the space. Perhaps see if you can make two heaps, ‘yes they will come' and ‘no not special enough’ . Then turn your back on the ‘no’ heap. The decision is made, and you look (or think about) the 'no' items to decide where to send them.

People have answered well here but nothing can take away the pain of loss —unless of course you focus on what your life has meant. The good you have done and experienced. Focus on good memories that make you smile.Aging is an experience of loss and loss is sad but you have an adventure to look forward to in the AL.

You started off in the right direction - consider all the things you will gain with this change. Consider what things you truly need to make your new home feel "home-y." Consider that items you "let go" are actually opportunities to help others with your "gifts." If it helps you, get pictures of yourself with other people that you help as you donate. Make a scrapbook and continue adding pictures as you help others.

2

I can sympathize with you... I would feel the same. It is very hard for me to admit that I can't do things I always have, and need to do, and want to do... even after falling while climbing down a ladder and having a painful back for a couple of weeks, and... tripping over a garden hose in the dark the very next day and straining some muscles/ligaments in my chest which hurts, still! But all the things I have collected over 65 years of marriage and never use but know where and what they are... I would really miss if I lost it all! However... you and I still have the memories of our lives and can help the lonliness by reminiscing. I say this because my wife has had a stroke (CVA) and lost all memories we have made all through our marriage and retirement travels. She only recalls some incidents when she was a child up to 10 years old or so... and she can't make new memories. Can.t remember what she likes to eat or drink... or any of the daily activities from day to day. I often try to imagine what it must be like to have no memories, and I can't even imagine! She now has mid-term AD also but tends to herself amazingly well. All this has nothing to do with your concerns except that I know it can be worse and as long as our mind is sound and functioning, we can adjust to many other losses.
My best wishes to you in your move and I wish you good health!

I wonder - if you “thoughtfully” gave away your items would it help? My father did this with his things - he thought about people that he liked and loved and gifted them with care. Also there are many people in crisis and need that a generous gesture would bring peace and relief to their lives. This way your belongings are “still alive” when you think of them and would be associated with love, caring and kindness vs just with loss. 🌸