I am taking care of my mom and have been doing so for about 8 years. She lives in her own home which is about 50 miles from me. She is really not capable of living independently as I am constantly attending to the crisis du jour. I am past burn out. Sparing you the details, my mother has put me through the ringer. In the past, I suggested that she move closer to me and even offered to add on to my home. She refused which I understood when she was younger but I knew she would eventually need more assistance and wanted to be proactive. Over the past 8 years I have tried many times to plan and reason with her about her care. Working full time and having my own home and family to care for in addition to traveling to help her is proving very difficult. Now, at 92 she has more and more needs. She has some mild dementia and a demanding personality that would be disastrous to my marriage if she moved into our home. My husband has said no way to her living with us. When she comes to visit it is very difficult. She is contrary and stubborn and has incontinence problems that she refuses to acknowledge. I have set some boundaries with her but the one that I absolutely hold firm is that she cannot live in my home without separate living quarters. Just a small space with a bathroom and sitting area so my husband and I can have some privacy and respect for our own routines. Mom has refused that and just wants to move in with no boundaries. She feels like it is a rejection if we suggest separation. Truth be told, I don't even think a separate area is the right course of action at this point. Mom has money saved for her care however I would not want her to spend money on renovations to our home only to need assisted living in a short time. I love my mom dearly. I am more than willing to take care of her but I think at this point, assisted living in a place that is very close to me would be best. I am drawing a line when it comes to living in my house with no boundaries. Does that sound reasonable?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-father-in-law-is-making-my-life-miserable-how-can-i-get-him-out-of-my-house-434788.htm
onlychild22 - Bless you for your compliment. I haven't arrived at this easily. There has been a lot of crazy before the clarity! LOL I read that and responded to him. So very sad. It helped me so much! Thanks
Assisted Living (if affordable for you) is a MUCH better option.
The comparison that since your parents took care of you, you somehow "owe" them, is one that drives me NUTS.
I was raised by my parents. Then I raised my own kids. I think THAT was "payback". Never even asked them to even babysit.
My beloved grandmother did SO MUCH for me. I once asked her how I could ever repay her for all this love and service. She said "Look forward, do the same for your own kids." She NEVER expected or demanded that her kids care for her.
"Truth be told, I don't even think a separate area is the right course of action at this point." That's right, no area of your home should be used to house her.
DO NOT let her into your home. I did that with my 95 yo mom, (Alz.6) and it was sheer hell. My relationship with her was nonexistent and my relationship with my husband was strained...to say the least. If I didn't get her out of our home, we would have all killed each other!!!! You will pay dearly with your physical and mental health if you let her in. Not to mention disregarding your husband's wishes. What if the tables were reversed?
Get her into an Assisted Living or, if needed, memory care facility. If she doesn't have the resources to live there, apply for Medicaid. Contact Social Services for information.
NO GUILT! You will still be caring for her, as you said, but you know in your mind, heart and gut that taking her home would be the end of your life as you know it.
Don't let her pull that cr+p on you about no food. Every time you go, take a few groceries, so when she says that she has nothing to eat, you can say, "Mom, you can make soup and a sandwich, I brought you the bread, meat and soup the last time I visited." She is a controlling one, isn't she?
She'll probably, in the long run, be happier with people her own age. It just takes some getting used to.
I went through the same crap with my folks for 6 years from 600 miles away. They refused any in home help and would not discuss moving off their farmette.
I had hoped at some point my mom would give up and ask for help at some point, as dad had dementia and thought it was 1970. But no, her executive reasoning left and things went downhill.
She was falling regularly and I would go driving down like my hair was on fire and deal with the latest adventure.
After a bad fall about a month ago I had her sent directly from the hospital to assisted living, then moved Dad in with her a few days later. I have posted “Prison” details elsewhere.
This is where you will most likely end up with your mom. Get ready. Look at some places near you.
otherwise reasonable and loving. Narcissistic type parents evolve into black holes of need when they're older, despite often having been terrible parents and/or neglectful of their own parents.
Even with your mother in assisted living, there will still be plenty to do, as you still have to help with medical supplies, clothing, mail, bills, etc etc, My Dad is in skilled nursing and calls daily with a new need or crisis. Cell phones, remote controls go missing, still has falls, incontinence, ruined clothes/shoes, problems w/caregivers or staff. etc etc.
Try taking care of that at home, hurting your back with transferring from bed to car to toilet, and back again. Transferring a frail senior, dealing w/incontinence, poor eating
and memory loss is hard enough. Take away good emotional boundaries and it's hell.
Good luck!!!!
I don't think there is any point in trying to convince her of a sensible plan for her care. She wants to be "the queen" in your household, and that is not going to happen, so just let her be and keep your boundaries.
She wouldn't starve if you backed off some, visited less often and limited phone calls, would she? You have a heavy load, and need to look after your family and yourself and not get too drained.
My mother let my grandmother move in and deeply regrets it. Her blood pressure is high now, she's always ranting about how my grandmother did this or that, she's tense which isn't helping the herniated disc in her neck. It's bad. My mom lasted five months before she started looking into assisted living places. She's still looking.
Even if you let her come live in your house or near it with boundaries, you might as well say no boundaries because she's breaking them. It's her way or no way and my grandmother will be the first to tell you she's nosy. The first time she lived with us back in 09 my mom hated it. She would stand outside her own home, hating to go back in. My grandma was always on her. Where are you going? What are you doing? Can I go? Why can't I go? Why didn't you tell me you were leaving? What if I wanted to go? You don't know, I may have wanted something.
After my grandma had a stroke in 2017 my mom thought it'd be different. My grandma had mellowed a lot and she clearly wasn't getting healthier. She has ESRD, CHF, she'd just had a stroke, she has a defibrillator, dialysis, and she refuses to change her eating habits. She eats what she wants to eat and adds butter to everything. My mom moved her in thinking they were going to make lasting memories and that it would be better now. Before July ended my mom was starting to regret it along with my sister, my aunt, and I. It's worse than 09. Now she knows how to operate her cellphone better. She's been staying with a friend in the city due to the water to go to dialysis and she left over 30 messages in a span of two days on my mother's phone, basically making demands. Because we're supposed to drop everything and bring her what she wants. We because my mother can't drive right now, I'm the only one in the house that can and she knows that but she also thinks I'm like my mother's puppet. She wouldn't get away with half the stuff she has if I had my way.
It's like having a hurricane move in. It doesn't work and you end up revolving around it because it won't try to conform and fit in with you.
The truth is you're not remotely happy for your mother to move into separate quarters in your home, and it must be a considerable if unconscious relief that she's affected to be offended by the suggestion. You can see perfectly well that the boundaries wouldn't last ten minutes and your husband is on amber alert about it anyway. So stop pretending that this is actually an offer and shift the focus, especially hers, onto the real options.
Which are that she hires in help where she is and leaves you out of it; or that she moves into a facility close enough for you to take a practical role in co-ordinating her care and support. Those are her choices. It isn't your fault that she doesn't have more.
1. Help in her home from homecare, visiting angels, etc
2. Assisted living near me.
No decision is still a decision and my mother has been taking that stance from at least 2 years. So the can is kicked down the road and until a major crisis I can't see the end. I do set boundaries and have gotten better at holding them. She is sooooooo good at getting around them. Most of the time a will fall harder on me than her if I don't intervene. So sometimes I have to. It's so frustrating.
Barb - Meals on Wheels? We already rode that roller coaster. Don't get me wrong, MOW was great! MOM was not!!! She wouldn't open the door, complained constantly about the food, and when she did accept it, she took it right to the trash can and threw it away. The meals on wheels admin was always calling me to say mom wasn't answering. Also many calls to police for welfare checks. It was a disaster. That my mom created.
My role in this was to care for her and give her meds and meals.
She is also a close friend of the family. My routine made it possible for her daughter to get back to work and not have to worry. I did everything i could. Laundry, cleaning, shopping etc. Her and her husband appreciated everything I did, and still do. I made pozole for them last night. She will be gone soon.
This is the first time i have taken this role. But i have found my calling. I have 3 other requests for my caring. But i can only commit to one at a time. It takes a lot to do this job. Patience, listening, organization, and most important, Compassion.
Maybe you could get an assistant like me, in your area, who could do the same. There are forums on this site to help you. Just don't stop trying. She needs care now. "Our parents become our children". I think thats the quote. Who said that? Nonetheless, it is true. You might be in that position one day. Who will care for you. Will you be kind? Demanding? Considerate?
Please, think it thru cautiously with your mom. A strong point that helped me want to continue is the horror stories of elder abuse. That's strikes a nerve with me. It's right up there with child abuse and animal cruelty. That s*** pisses me off.
I hope you find this helpful, and consider other options available to you.
God bless.
It was a win-win for us. He only lived 3 miles away but even that got to be too much for me.
He cried a little but 24 hours in the mobile home and he no longer wanted to return to his house.
It’s come time to find a nice assisted living facility and get mom into it. And yes, closer to you but not too close. I wish you luck!!!