She is finally in an ALF. She has always been narscistic, resentful towards me for placement and that I am in charge of her life. I come home from visits in tears due to her viciousness. I feel going no contact is best as long as bills are being paid. Am I justified?
It is simply too much for you, being 80.
Even if you were 40, 50, 60 or 70, coming home in tears tells you that this is not in your best / health interest.
She will always be narcissistic. It is up to you to assert yourself and tell her that her POA is HER 'problem' or responsibility - and that you are bowing out. If you need to, find an attorney to help you dis-engage from this responsibility. Enough already.
She can pay for a professional to take over.
I commend you on considering 'no contact' and continuing to take on paying bills. Not only are you justified, it is very considerate of you to be willing to continue to be involved / take on bill paying. If it were me and I felt torn, this is likely the compromise I'd come up with - although no one 'deserves' to be treated with disrespect and/or however her narcissistic traits / behavior / personality manifests.
Put yourself first. You can do that in a very respectful 'non' narcissist way, which is something your sister will not understand ... and that doesn't matter. Do what is right for you. Enjoy the years you have left ... without the tears due to her uncontrollable behavior.
Here's a hug, Gena / Touch Matters
It seems like you have done all you can insurance wise, so what's left is the personal touch. You must be tougher. When she hurts you with words or even swipes at you, sing. Seriously, all of these places need to put up signs reminding caregivers to do this.
The next time you visit, record it. Then you will know what words triggered her vicious words and actions. Think of songs that will likely diffuse that.
Why songs? A song makes you move because of all the senses associated it with. Communicating with songs should improve your relationship with her.
Think of a song like you would a stone hitting a pond. It produces ripples that go far beyond that impact point. Her brain will do the same.
Think of her brain as a giant hotel with all the rooms having the lights on.
As the days pass, lights are going out. Words alone are not likely to turn them on again. A song might.
Things can have that impact too. You're 80 now which means you were 20 in the 1960's. Can you remember things that were a big deal to her then? Try bringing one on your next visit.
Your sister has ALZ. If she was narcissistic before she will be after. Blame everything she says or does on a broken brain.
Yes, you can go no contact. You don't have to visit. Maybe better if you don't, you may be a trigger for her. She needs to adjust to her surroundings. Talk to the Head Nurse and tell her what you are doing. Tell her you will be blocking sisters calls and you do not want them to allow her to use the facility phone. You are there for emergencies or anything else they need to discuss with you.
I am 74 and what I tell myself is "I am to old for this". Too old to put up with people that abuse me in some way. Too old for drama. Too old to worry about stuff. I have baby sat grands, took care of my Mom, been there for both parents, and now oversee nephew. All I want to do now is sit back and enjoy what I have. No worry's. Doing what I want when I want. So, do what is good for you. For now its distancing yourself from sister. She is safe, and cared for. She has people. Sit back and enjoy that and go on with your life.
We can't know your sister's condition. Nor can we guess whether or not she has any ability to control her outbursts. I would discuss with the administration and get guidance on whether she is better without your visits--that is to say when you aren't there. She is seeing you as someone who can "rescue her" out of the facility. It's really very sad. So my recommendation would be to visit briefly. She suffers disinhibition. If her misery is happening all the time it may be time to speak to her Doc about a mild antidepressant or anti-anxiety med. I wish you good luck.
You can always “visit” from a distance.
Check in at the nurse’s station, have a chat, and observe your sister from a distance.
You are worth pursuing peace.
If you posted months ago we would of all told you to go no contact!
You need to take care of you now. That's your only responsibility. Your sister is were she needs to be, she is being taken care of.
Stop worrying and take care of yourself.
Some folk move themselves into AL as they have full awareness they need supported living. Yet many many others lack this insight. They can feel feel much anger over perceived injustices, at being 'forced' from their home & 'put' somewhere.
Some of these folk may be helped by talking to a Councellor. Some will stay bitter until they somehow learn to accept & adapt.
Your sister many not know it or currently show it, but is lucky indeed she had a sister who helped steer her when she could not. Found her find a safe landing.
❤️