I find myself suddenly thrust into a role I never imagined. My 82-year-old dad lives in upstate NY, and I live out of state. He became single 5 years ago after a 40 year relationship that had run its course, and now lives alone. I visit him several times a year, and he spends Christmas with my family and comes to visit us other times as well. Unbeknownst to me, sometime in the past 6-8 months this he took in a sick, opoid addicted woman that he met about 3 years ago on an escort site. She and her 15-year-old son had been living at his house until I came for a visit last week to help him plan and host a party that he holds every year. I arrived to find the house a complete disaster. Over the next few days, I had the house remediated, got myself a hotel room and found out that the woman had moved into a seedy hotel, has late stage cervical cancer, and that my dad felt very attached to her and wanted to figure out supports for her, but did not want to have her in his house. The son is with friends and has his own issues -not in school, likely dealing drugs. I got in contact with her, and visited her at the hotel - she was in really bad shape, and I managed to convince her to get to the ER. We have struck up an unlikely friendship and I have been by her side at the hospital while we wait for a diagnosis, but she likely has stage 4 cervical cancer. She has no parents or other supports, and has really messed up her life - despite all that, I truly believe she’s not a grifter, more a really lost victim of a lot of crap. The kicker is that I am now her healthcare proxy. I am completely in over my head - I want to support her as a human who should not die alone, and I need to figure out plans for my dad (who obviously is not making good decisions). I need someone to support me as I navigate this situation. Ideally a combo therapist/life coach and expert in aging care and resources.
My main concern here is that you are not in the area.
Or (more likely) that addicts don't want to have any aspect of their lives scrutinized or controlled because of their addiction issues. She may use you the way she is using your father, cancer or not. Boundaries in this situation will be extremely necessary for you and your father.
You can still be her support without being her proxy. Why not get her on the radar of social services? This is what they are for. You can still help her but won't be in charge of her mess. You'll have your hands full with just helping your Dad. If I were you I'd make sure all his sensitive info is secured (passwords, logins, financials, etc). Maybe LifeLock or another type of alert service.
Do not sign any billing paperwork on her behalf. Please do not underestimate how manipulative addicts can be. They are professionals when it comes to this and they don't care about what happens to you or your father. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to read, but...been there, done that. BLessings to you and your compassionate heart. Just make sure it's not a naive heart.
I think younger cancer patients are more susceptible to this, just because the truth of dying young is a pretty devastating diagnosis and not an easy thing to face.
Op, good for you *and your dad* for stepping up to treat this cancer victim as a friend, a human being and a child of God regardless of her decisions in life. Let those of us who have led perfect lives be the only ones to cast stones at a dying woman who needs help.
I think Alva has answered your question with good advice. An LSW should be able to help you best with all the issues you face.
Sending good thoughts to all 4 as you try to navigate through this difficult path for you, dad, his friend and her son.
Your father's decisions have at least included that he can't have her and child living at his house. Be relieved! - he's not so very far gone, then.
Not you, but I hope somebody has referred the 15 year old to CPS? For his own sake and his mother's, his mother needs not to have this huge concern on her plate.
You will find online all sorts of resources for proxies, MPOAs and so on needing to have difficult conversations with their charges. I quickly found this example:
https://www.medicareinteractive.org/get-answers/planning-for-medicare-and-securing-quality-care/preparing-for-future-health-care-needs/health-care-proxies
which bullet points the subject headings nicely.
I must say that for a modern day good Samaritan you haven't your equal. How is your Dad taking this?
The phrase used by prostitutes and johns alike is “captain Saveaho.” All prostitutes long for a Daddy who will take them and their problems on. Not only did Dad do this, but now you, his daughter, are the female Capn Saveaho.
You are already in a conflict of interest between the interests of your father and that of his onetime paid sex worker. Bluntly, the more he spends on her the less he has for himself. This also goes for you in terms of time.
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In addition to other suggestions, you might ask the hospital administrator if there are (a) chaplains or other religious members on the hospital staff, or (b) social workers beyond discharge planners, or (c) if there are other facilities that might be able to accommodate this suffering woman through her last days. It's also possible that the SWs might have suggestions on assistance for her son.
I'm not familiar with hospice care for someone who's indigent, but religious hospitals or escalating levels of care facilities might be more approachable.
You could also contact one of the nonprofit cancer organizations, or Gilda's Club (although its mission has changed since Gilda Radner died). County and/or state health care departments might also provide sources for the mother's and the son's care.
Anti drug use organizations could also address what support might be available for the son, hopefully getting him in a rehab program before he runs afoul of the law.
The local Juvenile Court might also be able to assist with the son; if he's made a ward of the court, they could find placement for him, as well as medical assistance for his possible drug situation.
I have no experience with life coaches and w/o being insulting, have little use or respect for this "profession." As to an expert in aging care and resources, I suspect there are many who are experts but aren't identified as such. I found more in the religious rehab facility where I took my father than in any other organization.
But yes, protect your father where you can, take valuables out of the house or buy him a safe to put his stuff in, do regular free credit reports on his social security number, etc.