I’m just completely overwhelmed trying to keep everyone happy all while watching my mom waste away more each day. I came very close to moving them out but just can't bring myself to do that to my mom. I know she only has months at the most left. But still seeing no end in sight. The guilt, trying to be a good mom to my kids (10, 12) and a good wife, all while working FT. My dad is an ungrateful a**hole whom I can barely look at so I have to literally hide in my own home to avoid him :( I'm so tired and regret having them move in as it has forever changed my relationship with my dad and he will be asked to move after my mom passes. Again - the guilt :( so burnt out. So trapped inside because of Covid worries/precautions. So sad and tired, high blood pressure and pre-diabetes now from completely neglecting myself for years. Sometimes I wonder if modern medicine and longer life expectancies are a gift or curse we’ve put upon ourselves :( I myself have already told my kids that they are under no circumstances allowed to let me or my husband live with them when we are aging. I’ll even put it in writing in case I forget thru dementia later on in life. At least this rant helped me to stop crying for the night. Hugs to all trying to make it thru caregiving. People who don't do it have no idea what its like!
Having children is hard enough and to have parents also is a great burden. I feel for you.
I agree with all who wrote here- get hospice and senior services help. This should not be just you doing it all.
Your relationship with your father I grieve with you. For your father to be ungrateful is either his self centeredness or denial ( i have seen that in my mother) or his own aging issues. This is your home and never feel guilty for telling him that he must leave. There are senior services to help him set up a place. Thanks for sharing and I hope the posts here have helped.
Would you be able to get some care come into the house to assist you so that you can have at least a few hours each day or a number of times a week when you can do what you want, and give what you want to to your children.
If you are at a point where hospice is an option then that would sound like something to look into - they are used to dealing with difficult relatives as well as patients and won't take nonsense from your father. For your own sanity and for fairness to your young family you need some time when you are not "on call", have a look and see what options are available to you.
Take good care of yourself, Everything passes
Hang in there. You have my support all the way,
Lydia
If you want comfort on how to care for mom in a spiritual way go to jw.org and there you will find a host of information free of charge on things you can do to help you and the family get through this difficult time. My thoughts are with you and may you be safe and take care of you...
#1 You shouldn't have been lifting your mother. I assume you have neither training nor equipment.
#2 Whose judgement counts in assessing whether YOU need help to lift her or not? - hers or yours?
#3 How was she planning to stop you, given that she was flat on the floor and you were the one on your feet and with access to the phone?
#4 If she'd been forced to get up off the floor in order to wrest the phone from your hand, you'd still have had a good outcome there, no?
I am being light-hearted about it, but I am so far from trivialising the pressure people feel. You couldn't begin to guess how completely unamusing I find it.
we need to look after ourselves ! I am beginning to think I have to give up even though it feels awful. I feel like I’m letting her down. She even said to me “I can’t believe my own daughter is turning against me” :( I’m not,.. I’m trying to help :(
Oh, your days are so long. And probably your nights are too short. God bless you
Please let us know how you are doing. I have thought about you all day.
If I could just give you a hug, I certainly would. That's not really possible as technology ain't all that yet.
I will pray for you and am doing so as I type this. May God hold you sweetly and give you His peace, which is the best. His word gives light and hope.
I don't know if you listen to music, but there are 3 CDs (or download) by a group called Scripture Lullabies, album name Hidden in My Heart. This music is so beautiful, all 41 songs and so uplifting and gentle, so well done, I promise it will bring soothing peace to your soul and diminish stress. I'm going through a lot myself but am blessed with peace and means to cope.
Bless you so much, Duane
YOU-- need some time to recuperate... go eat out somewhere-- safe. GET exercise-- walk in the closest State Parks-- and all-- Trees and total quiet. Bring a dog. Talk to God when you are there-- just you and the breeze. He will be listening. Caregiving is hell. Watching someone get ready for heaven is not inspiring... to say the least. Grieving sometimes precedes the loved one's death.
Talk to Preacher's wife. if you don't have one-- borrow one. This is Your Story, too.
This was not my game plan, being 38 years of age and with 2 children.
My husband is an amazing person, and it was actually his idea, I have the sweetest mom with a kind heart. I too see myself at times stuck and have had to incorporate my mom into my life. I see my mom happy and thriving, and with minimal memory loss. If for any reason this want working,i would find another alternative. I myself refuse to be miserable. I for one would never watch my
in-laws they are both argumentative. My husband even said.i will not ask you to do soothing,i wouldn't do myself. Would i ask my kids to repeat the favor, Never Its a true act of love and kindness, but not an obligation. My daughter in law an N.P, all i would ask of her is to make sure my pills are accurate, I am not taking something that will harm me. I wish you all the best. My mom health has never come before mine. I walk everyday to clear my mind. I read to see other places.
I garden to feel nature. I love my mom but,my husband and my children never came last, i still come first. I am a grandma of 4 and will always make time for them. You just need to sit down and explore other avenues, but you need to put yourself first at some point. You are valuable to your family, Sending big hugs.
* Guilt and other emotions that pull on your emotions and psychological needs/history, need to be examined. You need to address your self-esteem, your feelings about your self-worth.
* Until you feel solid in yourself, you will continue to split your feelings - and rationalize - everyone elses needs as 'more important' than your own survival and well being.
* I'm talking touch love here. Not easy to say and not easy to do. However, you see the results of your thought patterns and behavior now - it will only go down hill until and unless you address these needs NOW.
* IF YOU ARE NOT WHOLE 'ENOUGH' IN YOURSELF, how will you continue to be there / available to your mom?
STOP -
ACCESS -
SET BOUNDARIES -
MAKE DECISIONS -
LEARN HOW TO CARE FOR YOURSELF -
LEARN TO REALIZE YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON TO YOU, first.
____________ Contact a friend or relative who is in your corner
____________ You need support from someone to shift from where you are now
* Making changes at this point will be very difficult for you due to your years or decades of conditioning and your mind-set. It'll likely go against all your feelings and behaviors up to now. However, you need to make some major life decisions otherwise, you will continue to suffer.
P.S. [stop taking] Don't take any B.S. or disrespect from anyone.
Remember this saying: "you teach people how to treat you."
You rock
I agree, I want to die with all my abilities or die.
Old age can be a curse. Everyone of moms friends are suffering but too stubborn to die.
Being a care giver, we are the most abused group in the country, and it does not matter what country you live in.
My best stress releaser is prayer. Jesus loves you. Jesus cares, Jesus is always there.
You are on my prayer list and I will pray for you every morning.
-Find out the nearest place for 3 day stints in Hospice or Day Care for Adults
-Immediately sit your Dad down and tell him exactly how you feel. If he acknowledges his bad behavior and apologizes, tentatively go forward, if he outright denies his behavior, call he on it and set the rules in your house. Explain, just like you had to follow the rules at his house when you grew up, he will have to follow the rules at your house or suffer the consequences: finding a new place to stay or be isolated in his room as you have children to care for and you will not be retreating to your room anymore. You are raising your children with discipline and expect better from an adult. There will be no down talking to you, dismissiveness of your rules or your feelings. Sometimes, even we adults need to be shown the error of our ways.
-Find an agency or caregiver to come in so that your family can go on vacation! Go without guilt! It's important to keep fun memories in your children's upbringing.
If your Mom is that close, you may want to tough it out without moving her, but if physically her care is beyond your ability, it is best to place her where she can be taken care of properly.
Hope this helps. Praying for you and your family.
Best of luck to you and your family
Many people do not learn how to set boundaries or even know what self-care is as they have / we have been taught to put others' needs ahead of our own. This destroys or never allows self-esteem to be built up or felt.
We are very lucky to have this forum - and people LIKE YOU sharing support. This society doesn't support making our self our priority. Be it religion or some other messaging we get. If we do not make our self the 'most important person in our life,' we will suffer and so will others as we are not available to an/other/s until we are whole beings.
Id also stand up to your dad and tell him to knock it off, or he can leave and you will help him. You shouldn't have to be on pins and needles around him. Set him straight. Your tolerating it and its making you miserable.
I had to take my dad in. He thought he would watch TV 16hrs a day and I would deliver meals to the chair he sat in. I told him wrong.
I told him he will be part of the family, eat meals in the kitchen/dining room and he will have nice conversation. Hes not going to be a lump in a chair. Im not the maid and I dont cater. He wanted 3 hot meals a day. I said no. He doesn't cook for himself. But I'm supposed to?
So you have to put your foot down. Tell him how the house will be run going foward. If he doesn't like it there is the door. You won't accept being grumpy or whatever he is doing. My husband noticed an immediate change and appreciated it.
So can you. Take a stand! If u have to find a place for them nearby do so. You dont need to get sick taking care of them.