My girlfriend (21) of 5 years got a call that her mother had an anurism.
Her mom lives 10 hours away and I immediately started working on a place for her and I to stay near the hospital. INSTEAD she chose to take a flight the next day by herself and spend the time with her visiting family (who only visited for a few days, and her moms boyfriend).
She had told me that she will stay with her mom as long as it takes, through the hospital stay and return home with her until she is "back on her feet" (if she even ever gets there with the extent of the injury) and I agreed, figuring she may be away for the summer.
Its been two weeks now and her mo. Is still in the icu recovering. Meanwhile her siblings have come and gone and she has called me a total of one time, even though she spends hours on tiktok. (I cant call her either she is too busy or whatever)
Im the type to notice little things and over the past week when I text her that I love her she will not tell me she loves me back. She will ignore it when any time in the past I would tell her she was sure to answer... and then some.
I understand the stress she is under but it really feels like since that call she has completely ejected herself from me. Recently I texted her.... "whats going on with us?" I truly expected her to as, what do you mean? Nothing has changed with us..... instead I got.... a text... "we can talk more about it just not right now."
Wait, now she needs to talk about it? So I told her I'm not an idiot in relationships (maybe I am) And to call me sometime.
Its been a day in a half (the longest we've ever not communicated and no call or text.
At this point I feel like she is prioritizing her mother (like what can she even do but be there?) and not even being considerate or care enough to remember she is/has been/was in a relationship.
With her mothers long recovery time and her single minded focus on her over even a considerate re assurance and seemingly pull away from her relationship I see this as a red flag for any kind of future for us. (Ps her mother hates my guts for "taking her away"
Am I being an uncaring selfish ass? Or should I move toward putting and end to the relationship like but gut is telling me.
Lay it on me please, I want the straight hard truth because I've this girl but also have self respect.
Frankly, you sound like a petulant 4 year old. You've been "abandoned"??!!?? Because your 21 year old girlfriend decided she needs to be at home with her mom while her mom is in ICU with an aneurism? She's been gone for a whopping 2 weeks! At this point, the doctors don't even know what sort of shape mom is going to be yet!
Maybe there's another reason why her mom "hates" you that has nothing to do with "taking her away". I can't help but wonder if you are considerably older than she is. Even if you aren't, in all honesty I would also have a problem with my 21 year old daughter cohabitating with some guy. I just don't think a 21 year old is mature enough for that level of commitment OR responsibility.
Maybe you need to back off and stop nagging your GF about this situation. That might tell you all you need to know about the state of this relationship.
"Her mom lives 10 hours away and I immediately started working on a place for her and I to stay near the hospital."
Then, show up.
Be considerate of the mother's hatred of you for taking her away. Keep a low profile, going there to support your girlfriend.
Do keep in mind that after dating for 5 years with no proposal of marriage puts you in a hard place.
But only if you mean it.
That is what a person in a committed relationship says in this situation.
#2: She is only 21. This is probably the first traumatic thing she's ever had to deal with at such a young age. She is on a journey of "baptism by fire" in the maturing department. This may explain some of her behavior towards you... she may not have the motional bandwidth to deal with a long-distance relationship with you while dealing with the comlexities of her mother's condition -- especially if she is now her Mother's primary medical advocate and maybe the one who is managing her Mom's financial affairs.
#3: Based on what you wrote about her Mom disliking you for "taking her away", your GF might have a dysfunctional/codependent relationship with her Mother. If so, as time passes, you may think this sudden and forced "break up" may have been the best thing to ever happen to you.
Regardless, I agree with those who say to give her grace and space. Call her (and if she doesn't answer, leave a nice VM) and simply tell her you're there to support her if she asks but that she seems to need space and you will give it to her. Then don't contact her again unless she gets back to you.
You are neither married nor engaged, so if she doesn't respond I say you are free to date others.
If you were being supportive ( and not needy ) and nothing was wrong between you , ( the I love you stopped for no reason ) and out of the blue comes up with “ we can talk about it but not right now “ there could be a flag there maybe.
However, your last communication about you “ not being an idiot in relationships “ definitely wasn’t going to promote the communication you were looking for.
You will have to wait and see what your girlfriend is thinking , if she answers .
As someone who is 73, I would say she probably started feeling that she needs to explore what is out there for her. Thats why she has chose to be alone, so she can make a decision. 21 is the party age. Maybe thats what she feels she wants now. I will be honest, the writing is on the wall, she wants to break up and is trying to find a way to do it. I could be wrong, but I would give her space to sort things out.
Your young girlfriend (only 21 years old) is sitting in an ICU with her mother who may never recover. So how about cutting her a little slack here? Give her some space.
It's not about you or your relationship with her right now.