I've been living with my fiancée for two years at his parents house and we have been together for 5. His mom tragically died last year so we are keeping my fiancé's dad company. At first I was totally supportive and helped in any way I could. I make food everyday, clean the house, my fiance cleans his bathroom, does his laundry (I help fold the clothes) and its getting to a point where I am feeling very frustrated. His dad has very bad spending habits, (He had this even before his wifes pasing) and my fiancee is always paying for his stuff that he actually needs. I want to have my own life with my fiancee and have a child together but his priority seems to be his dad right now. His dad is maybe around 56-60 and is very capable to do basic things but won't. He also seemed to move forward quickly regarding his wife's death and we suspect he is talking with another woman as they speak with eachother every night. Is it wrong of me to feel resentment towards his dad? I don't know what to do.
If dad is likely to remarry and establish a household with the wife, that would be one thing, but if not, this could drag on and on. As for the finances, if your fiance continue to enable spendthrift ways, he will get in deeper and deeper. It sounds like your guy is tied to dad's apron strings. Have you two talked this over and better yet, gone for counseling? He should be open and honest about the situation if he really intends to go for a normal married life. In some old-country cultures, a son acquires a wife, brings her into an extended family and she becomes basically mother's unpaid help or substitute housemaid if mom dies. All of us have unexamined expectation of how life is supposed to be - you have yours, but does he share the same viewpoint?
As to your boyfriend, I think that you should move out on your own now and understand that love is not the answer to everything. Get out before the fighting, the go-nowhere arguments, start. Get out while you can respect your BF and his decisions, and lend him support, while you make yourself a good life going forward.
And before you move in with another guy, look on this as your learning moment. Discuss it all. Money and family and who can move in and religious belief and political beliefs, and how decisions will made, ALL BEFORE you move it together.
Wishing you the best. Remember, whatever you DO it is your choice. This isn't really about your BF's Dad. It is about your BF and his choices, and whether you want to live with them or not.
Two years is quite generous of you to pitch in and help. It is a long enough time for someone to get back on their feet after the death of a loved on one and move forward taking responsibility for their own life.
I am all about compassion and clearly you have been a caring person but I am not at all about being taken advantage of. You are being taken advantage of.
Enough is enough. You have seen the light. I don’t blame you at all for wanting your life back.
So what’s stopping you? A guy who is placing dad first? No thanks to that. He isn’t worth your time and energy.
It will sting for awhile but you will soon see that you made the right decision to leave a dead end relationship.
Wish them well and carry on with your life. One door closes and others will open. Please let us know how you are doing. We care.
All the best to you and your future. Take care.
I suggest getting your own place and living your own life. I think you're too young to be in this kind of set-up.
Playing house in someone else's house looks very much like your life.
I think that both of you need to mature some before you get married and start a family. I think that you should move out and get your life on its path and let your fiance do the same.
Quite frankly, it's none of your business if this grown widow has a female friend.
I will take the advice to grow and mature more before getting married, but again I am getting close to being 30. Thank you for your time and for your insight.
Lots of people have been in crappy relationships before. I can tell you that most people will treat you according to how you treat yourself. So I would advise you to respect and love yourself. You will soon find that you will attract the right kind of guy into your life.
I realize that all of us go through times of doubt. I am all for working things out when a relationship is worth saving. You have been more than generous with your time and your heart and have not seen any indication of your boyfriend respecting you more than his dad.
Take some time to reflect on the path this relationship has followed. It isn't going in the direction that you desire. Stop waiting on him to change course. Find the courage to take steps in the right direction yourself. See what happens. Will he follow? Who knows? Only you can decide if you want a future with him. I don't think I would take him at his word. I would want some sort of proof that you will be number one in his life.
You proved to him that you were patient, kind, compromising and so on. What has he proven to you?
You young ones both need to move out, and leave Father to work out how to manage the rest of his life. This is a no-win situation for all of you. If your guy won’t do it, go yourself. You need to rock this boat. If your guy follows you, yes you do have a future together. If he doesn’t, you still have a future on your own. Quite frankly, this situation is a no-brainer!
I think it is great that you and your sig-other are helping his Dad. But after two years, you'd think your sig-other's Dad would have learned a thing or two. Stop spoiling him, and start teaching him how to survive on his own. Tell him women like men who can help around the house, especially if he is looking for a future mate. Women in his age group and younger would walk out the door if they had to wait on him hand and foot.
Sounds like his father is more than capable of being on his own, so time to let him live his own life and you guys live yours.(in a different home)
We've seen these Cinderella situations periodically here, and it's almost always the same. Someone moves in with her BF or fiancée, anticipating eventual marriage, but instead becomes the housekeeper and more, and the BF relies on this and exploits it.
It's your life, your decision how you want to live it, and given that the elder man is NOT your FIL, you have no obligations to him.
Spend some time away from father and son and re-evaluate the situation. Do you want to be stuck being a lifelong babysitter for a fiancé's father?
It's not my intention to be cruel, but to be frank so you can see the handwriting on the wall.
There are several other threads in this search hit for similar situations. If you have the time, peruse them, and you'll learn that this is not an uncommon situation.
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=man+wants+fiance+to+care+for+his+father
My answer then was HELL NO. You want that, you go live there yourself. Now they are sick and I'm still like HELL NO if you want to stay unemployed and have your brother's wife lording it over you over every minute of your schedule, please, go live over there then.
You can't have both.
The FIL is possibly still in his 50s and you already can't stand him? Time to say HELL NO. Find yourself another place and if it's with him, make sure it's far enough away that he can't be honeydoing you or SO with all his daily requests.
How do these old posts get resurrected??
Your b/f is telling you that you're 'selfish' for wanting a life of your own without his father, which is flat out wrong. You're not selfish, you're a normal 29 year old woman.
Your b/f's father can live another 40 years, or 4 DECADES, while you wait on him hand & foot. Do you want that? To be his caretaker AND your b/f's caretaker for the rest of your life? What about having your own family? You'll then be expected to be the caregiver for the children, too.
At 29 years old, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let FEAR stand in the way of doing what's right for YOU. Without risk there is no reward. If you settle for the crumbs you're thrown, you'll never know what could have been out there for you. Don't listen to a lie about being 'selfish' because you want a life free from your b/f's father.
If you truly WANT this life, then by all means take it. If you don't, then strike out on your own. You'll be fine. You are strong like bull.
You can do it!
Good luck!