My mother has always been a very difficult, selfish person. The short version is that she was violent and abusive with me. However, she presents herself to others as though she is a lovely person (which is not to say that I am the only person who knows the ugly side of her - anyone she sees very often eventually learns to get away from her). She lies to everyone about everyone, but people seem to think they are the only one she doesn't speak badly about, and they seem to believe her lies. In the result, everyone hates everyone else. I've heard her lie to people about me.
I'm a kind person, and I'm generous as far as I am able. About six months ago she roped me in again. I should have known better as that was about the 24 time! She moved herself to a nearby town (an hour away). I found myself driving in weather I considered to be unsafe to do things for her (take her meals, etc.). I had to buy new tires for my vehicle which I wouldn't have had to buy otherwise. Meanwhile, she gave $40,000 to a grandson, and $20,000 to another granddaughter. She's now giving her another $20,000. She's 95. She has me in her will to receive her junk after everyone chooses what they would like to have (which she is giving to them now). She has $60,000 in a joint account with me, which is there for me to take care of things should I need to (her things - it isn't for me). She sometimes gives me some money for gas, and sometimes for groceries. But, it doesn't cover my expenses, and I (sadly) have more debt than I should at my age, so I don't have money to spend on her. Most of this money is going into accounts for the education of great-grandchildren. Meanwhile, she flatly refused to help me in any way. I didn't go to university until age 37, because that's when I was able financially. When my student loans were paid off, I retired (sort of like that). This money she's giving, she told my cousins in front of me how she believes in education and that's why she is doing this. She said to them that she pestered me for many years to go to university, and finally I did (not remotely),
I'm forbidden to ever consider a retirement home for her. She was suppose to be getting meals and housekeeping where she is, but doesn't like the meals or meal times, and complains about the housekeeping so that they refuse her. She hates meals on wheels I arranged, and another meal service. So, I've been cooking for her so that she has several meals a week from me. She won't tolerate home care. I drive there to take her to appointments sometimes, or shopping. (Costs me $35.) She takes shocking risks. I've had to go there a couple of times for emergencies. She has four other kids, 3 of whom I cared for for a few years until I was apprehended to foster homes and group homes. She's completely estranged from two, and pretty much from the other two. I'm the only one (and I mean the only one of children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc.) doing anything, and she is slagging me all over the place.
So, here's the thing: She tells her daughters their husbands are bums (they aren't) and don't bring them around. "You're welcome to come but not with them." She's trashing grandchildren's spouses. I don't have a spouse or children. (Big surprise.) But I do have a dog. She's now told me she likes me to visit and bring meals, but don't ever bring my dog again, and went on to slag the dog, etc.. I could go on and on about this and make it sound a lot worse (and it is).
So ... Go! I know the answer, I guess. I just need to hear it from others right now.
(There's a reason "the good die young". It's because the ugly ones get their stress out bashing everyone around them and the good ones worry and fret about stuff.)
I have one question for you:
At what age do you consider you are allowed to say no to your Mother?
You get to call the shots now, not some entitled 95 year old who tells you to jump and you ask "how high, mother"? Look after yourself now, at 71, before she outlives you and there's no "inheritance" to pick thru. It's okay to do that, in fact it's long overdue. And you know it.....so put a plan into action and quit allowing yourself to be a doormat! You deserve a better life. Let the abusive behavior stop TODAY by saying I'M DONE.
Good luck to you.
Stop letting her abuse you. Walking away is completely okay. It doesn't mean you are not a nice person.
I would be using her money from that joint account to reimburse myself for every penny I have spent on her. It is by law your money too, that's what a joint account is, joint.
This. So important. Kindness does not mean obey.
Kind people are kind to themself too.
Most people avoid people they don't like. That's natural human instinct for our own protection.
I would suggest a Licensed Social Worker in private practice or GOOD psychologist, one who will help you form boundaries. One who will shake up your habitual ways of thinking.
The last thing you need is another "listener" on a Forum or anywhere else who will sympathize with the sad stories. That's lovely, but it doesn't help anything.
Wanting what works for you and wishing you the best.
I wish you the best.
Walk away, let her figure it out. If that is too big a step than start to only support, her in ways that are easy for you. At that point she will either decide she wants external support and meals. She won't change so you need to, or accept it.
Time to back out of the picture, get some therapy if needed, do it now, no more dilly dallying around.
Is this self-perception why you have allowed yourself to become enslaved?
So you're doing her meals, and she's refused housekeeping. Are you doing that, too? What's the plan for when she can no longer live at home? I'm sure HER plan is for you to move in with her. Is that what you are going to do?
What if she needs a facility? Since she's gifting her grandchildren right and left, that might mean a big penalty if she tries to qualify for Medicaid to pay for a NH.
I think you have a good idea -- let the grandchildren (and their mothers) take responsibility for her. Are you her POA? HCPOA? If so, resign these assignments immediately.
"But she has already made enough of my life very, very hard. I'm not going to give her my later years as well."
You wrote this back in December. What have you changed since then?
You stepped back into her life to help her.
The only reason I found in your post is "I'm a kind person, and I'm generous as far as I am able".
So now you are cooking, cleaning, driving & more for Mom.
So what's actually the problem?
I'm not clear what happened or when, but if there were five of you children altogether, and you were looking after three of them, and your mother was violent and abusive: is this adding up to a lady with a lifelong history of major problems and the family wreckage that goes with it? It sounds as if the five of you have come well out of it somehow, because it takes grit and fiber to get yourself educated, married, raise children after experiences like that.
I know you already know the answer to statements you've made such as "I'm forbidden to ever consider a retirement home for her." But what it boils down to is this. It isn't for you to consider her options, it's for her to do so, and what you have to do is stop being an option. Which involves saying no - at least to anything you aren't freely willing to undertake. Get whatever support, therapy, back-up you need to be able to do that. To stop being afraid of her.
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