I really screwed up, please help me.

Your mother has dementia and should not be driving at all or living alone. Get her to a doctor for a cognitive evaluation and a score. Then she can be told she can no longer drive and that's that. If she does not accept her diagnosis she's suffering from anosognosia, the inability to recognize or acknowledge her deficits. That's not your fault either. You didn't make her old or cause these conditions. Her non acceptance of her condition does not invalidate it, either, or make it not real. An eye doctor saying she can "now drive" due to an eye issue being remedied does not mean she's capable of driving. It's time for a Come To Jesus meeting between you, your mother and your brother to talk about what comes next. That mother can no longer live alone, drive or do as she pleases. She needs help with everyday living now.

Its best to come to terms with the facts w/o making yourself sick. None of this is your fault and it's not your job to keep mother happy and to enable her every desire. Safety is paramount now. Please do get her a diagnosis so you can all come to terms with moms compromised mental state.

Best of luck to you.

s

LilacGirl, you did not do anything wrong. You are keeping your mother safe. You kept her safe by not saying go ahead and drive, even under such extreme pressure. (You are also keep others out on the road safe as well.) Give yourself credit.

You've written before that you and your brother have put off getting her a formal diagnosis because it would upset her. Well, she is this upset now without the diagnosis, so there's no point in putting it off any longer, difficult as that will be.

Does she generally have a lot of anger? Is her anger escalating? This can happen as dementia increases. Her doctor(s) can prescribe medications to calm her. This not only benefits you, it benefits her because going through life with anger and frustration is not a pleasant way to live.

Do either you or your brother have your mother's POA? If so, you'll need the diagnosis to start taking care of her various matters, if she's uncooperative. Also, it should help bring your brother around to taking her car and keys away.

I'm sorry this is so rough. Please take care of yourself, and keep us posted on how things go.

Ugh that really stinks Lilac girl. Your mom will definitely melt down when the diagnosis DOES come through, that's for sure. You're in a very tough spot. Tell her you used the wrong word......you didn't mean to say dementia...you meant to say mild cognitive impairment. See how that goes. My mother was the same way. She lived in Memory Care Assisted Living but God forbid anyone use the word dementia. She was always prone to histrionics though. Take her back in 3 months and see if she does poorly on the MMSE.

If she is really a danger on the road then it's time to get creative and preemptive with the whole driving thing.

Find neighbors, friends, other family and even church/synagogue members to call her up and say they are running errands on such-and-such day and does she need anything? Would she like to come? If you can get this to happen regularly (at least for the short term) then she at least knows she can have some freedom to look forward to.

I did this with my Aunts (both elderly, living together, one was the drive, the other the copilot). My Aunt the driver had advancing dementia so I had to report her to the state's DMV and her license didn't get renewed. This was very upsetting to 2 people. But I covertly arranged for rides and also gave the drivers a GC to my Aunt's favorite places to eat and asked the drivers to please also take them out to lunch. It took *most* of the sting out of their loss of spontaneous freedom.

My own Mother was another story. She was already fighting me on not driving so I got her primary doc to talk to her and also arrange for a Virtual Driving Assessment through the OT dept. She failed both the executive function test and physical reaction test and the OT broke the news to her and the Dept of Public Safety cancelled her license. She was still mad at me but couldn't deny her own test results. She got over it.

Then there was my uncle (Mom's brother) who, in his early 90s was driving home from his office (he was retired from his 60-truck plumbing business) along with his wife. His kids should have stopped his driving. One day he went through a red light and was t-boned on his wife's side. She (and the dog in her lap) died instantly (she was a 2-time cancer survivor) and the people in the other car had some injuries and car totalled. I'm sure his kids (my cousins) would say if they had to do it over they'd endure my uncle's anger rather than causing all that grief.

I hope this gives you the courage to continue keeping an unfit driver off the road.

LilacGirl, thanks for replying below. Very unfortunate about the PCP not taking your concerns seriously. That seems to happen a lot. Are you able to get her a neurologist? There's probably a wait so best to make an appointment soon. Would the PCP, if contact him privately, advise her to see one based on the "below normal" score? Or maybe she would go to try to prove you and your brother wrong.

I'm sorry about your dad. It must feel like such a cascade on you right now, especially while you're grieving too. Thank goodness you have the POA, at least.

I'm so sorry this is happening. If I were you, I'd keep those daily phone calls short. Warn her next time she starts yelling and swearing that you won't tolerate such behavior and language, and that you will hang up if she does it again. Then do it. And don't take any calls from her. YOU decide when the two of you talk. Not her.

Your mom is abusing you. That's right, this is abuse. You don't deserve that. No one does. She's making you sick, and what good can you be for her if you're gone? As in unalive? You're shaking, vomiting, and what's next? Your heart giving out? A stroke? Wow, mom would be really mad then, but you wouldn't be around to observe it.

Help yourself by not taking any more abuse. That includes no contact at all if she doesn't respect your wishes. You're not required to die on the hill of her choosing, and you need to put yourself first. You can do it, and I wish you the best as you recover from Monster Mom. I have an idea that if you lay down the law and mean it, she might improve her behavior immediately if not sooner. Try it!

Hang up when she starts in with you. I would also call the eye doctor and tell him you will sue the pants off him if your mother kills someone.

Time to push back on your mother. First of all don't answer the phone every day. You don't have to, she can call someone else afterward, like your brother. Secondly tell her you aren't going to listen to her ranting at you and if she expects any help from you anymore, she better pipe down and listen. Lastly, it's just too bad if she doesn't like you or the dr saying she can't drive anymore. It isn't safe for her or anyone else on the road or crosswalk that she might hit. There comes a point when we start to parent our parents. This time has come. Be strong.

I agree, the minute your mother becomes angry, insulting or abusive, end the phone call, and don't answer again for the rest of the day. Don't listen to her voicemails. The next day, same thing. If she starts again, hang up again. Lather, rinse, and repeat. We teach people how to treat us. And do contact her doctor about medications to calm her agitation and anger.

Stop kicking yourself about the word “ dementia “. A lot of us have said that as a last resort .
She’s going to be mad and not understand why she can’t drive no matter what words you use .
You aren’t shaking because you used that word. You are shaking because Mom does not understand anymore because she has a broken brain and you can’t fix that.
I resorted to telling my mother to stop blaming me for taking freedoms away from her. I told her that age is doing that. I also told her “ Mom , I didn’t make you old and I can’t fix old “.
I also agree with ending the phone calls .
” Gotta go Mom , I have an appointment “. Keep visits short too

Did this doctor understand she has Dementia? Were you in the office when he said this to her? If not, he may jot have said that. If your Moms car iscwhere she can see it, put it somewhere else. Tell her before she drives, you want to take it to the mechanic to have it checked out. Ask sister to sell it. Out of sight out of mind.

Were you with her at the eye doctor?

An eye doctor can only verify that a person's vision is adequate for driving, and whether or not the driver needs corrective lenses while driving. It is not within their purview to make a determination as to anything else that goes along with driving, ie. cognitive ability.

If you actually heard this doctor tell mom she was "all right" to drive, a complaint to the AMA (or whatever organization oversees ophthalmologists) might be in order. BUT - if you weren't there, it could be that mom heard what she wanted to hear and is insisting now the doctor told her she was ok to drive.

Or perhaps mom asked after her exam "So, am I ok to drive?" and he answered her as far as the eye exam told him.

In any event, you did NOT screw up; you are doing what a responsible person does when confronted with a situation as this. You are NOT required to listen to her heap abuse on you; either screen your calls or hang up when she gets nasty. She is never going to understand why she can't drive, and there isn't much you will be able to do to convince her it is no longer safe, I'm sorry to say. Just keep telling her that you will NOT give her your blessing to drive anymore.

And disable the car.

There are definite "reasons" a narcissist will maneuver their daughters into being "responsible" for their driving. Or any controlling mother can do that.

What follows is that you become her servant and are required to take on this abuse that you have described. It is not your fault that you have been brought up this way. You did not "screw up" with attempting to "explain" things.

A psychologist doing a deep-dive into your relationship with your mother would offer you techniques to cope, or advise you to withdraw from her care altogether,
for your health, and mental health going forward. This in no way implies that you are mentally ill, or the problem.

There is nothing wrong with you that has not happened to many caregiving adult daughters who are kind, wanting to help their mother, etc. Try to notice how many times you are needing to explain to all those around you. Then, just stop. Stop explaining.

As for your mother driving, tell her to ask your brother, or someone else for "permission". Make a note of the fact that no one competent to drive needs anyone's permission to drive. It could be possible that she knows unconsciously that she should not be driving, so has set you up to take responsibility to stop her.
Then, she benefits by blaming you, being angry at you.

It is perfectly okay to take the position that she should never drive in her condition,
and you will never give her your blessing to drive, so stop asking you.

Do anything to stop her from driving, secretly, in the background. Do not engage her in this topic. You will never be successful. You will be the recipient of:
"No good deed goes unpunished".

The fact that this makes you sick (shaking and vomited) could be a sign of caregiver burn-out. I don't think anyone is cut-out to take abuse without sacrificing something in themselves. So, get help for yourself. You know the truth, you don't have to prove it's true to anyone.

Your Mother. for whatever reason or conditions she has, will be continuing to target you. Getting immediate help for yourself is more important than helping her continue in this lifestyle choice. This does not mean she is a bad person.

Oh WOW! Congratulations!
I just read what you have accomplished. Many hugs! You did it!

LilacGirl
22 hours ago
Yes, that last scenario is exactly why I am so firm about it! I do have some good news. I reached out to her PCP today and he is sending her a letter to stop driving and also reporting her to the DMV! I’m dreading the day she gets the letter. I’m sure she will blame me and maybe disown me. But I know it had to be done.

(9)

GOOD FOR YOU!

Caregiver awards for you today.

Take a breath. You did not make a huge mistake. You pointed out the truth, even if it was hard for her to hear.

You are making a mistake, however, by trying to explain, to rationalize to your mother. You cannot explain to someone with cognitive disfunction.
When I read your story, it reminds me of a parent dealing with a teenager. You are the parent in this scenario.

If you know that it is unsafe for her to drive, why does she need your permission? Do you ever agree and let her drive? That seems kind of inconsistent.
If she is never to drive again, here's what you do: You disable the car. Or take it away. Or take away the keys.
You help her with using a ride share service or you offer to drive her.
You must act for her safety and the safety of others. She won't like it. She doesn't have to like it or agree with you. Let her know with kindness, and offer to help her through this transition by helping her to find another way to get around.

Please be kind to yourself right now. What you're describing, the shaking, the vomiting, that's your body telling you how much you love her and how hard you're fighting for her safety. That's not weakness. That's devotion.
The driving conversation is genuinely one of the hardest in caregiving because it lives right at the intersection of safety and dignity. There's no clean way through it.
Your brother letting her drive wasn't kindness; it was avoidance. And now you're carrying both of your shares of the emotional weight. That's exhausting and unfair.
Here's something I uncovered while talking to a lot of such elderly people: what's really happening beneath her anger is that, at this stage of life, many elderly people start feeling dependent, vulnerable, and invisible. That anger isn't really about the car. It's about feeling like they're losing themselves. When an elderly person genuinely feels they are not alone, that someone is in their corner, that they still have agency over their own life, so many of these battles soften on their own. They're not fighting for the keys. They're fighting to feel whole again.
The dementia word landing the way it did, you said it because you're human and you were shaken. You can walk it back gently next time. "I was upset and didn't say it well, I just worry because I love you" covers a lot of ground.
One practical thing: call her doctor privately and share your concerns. A physician carries authority with elderly parents that we simply don't as their children. The conversation that goes nowhere with you can land completely differently coming from her doctor.
You're not screwed up. You showed up for her while literally shaking. That counts for everything. 💙

I will bet it was an innocent question to the eye doctor who was not aware she was covering up her condition and the issue was not corrected at the time of the visit

Hi
ok take a deep breath
YOU
are actually in the right
your mother is playing the keep the peace game and end if day that could have killed your mum
When we are pushed and people behaving unreasonable and not listening-talking over us- saying things that are not true or nice it can be easy to respond not thinking
but
its gone
you can’t undo what’s happened
all you can do is when you are calm sit down with your mom and say I am sorry if I said anything that hurt you but i was only trying to protect you
And if anyone’s eye sight isn’t 100% anyone will risk a car accident
and you were just afraid that would happen and tried to protect her
Maybe you’ll have to let it go and if the law allows her to drive allow her to
in This country to keep your license you must confirm your eye sight good
maybe a check if that’s possible
either way
you done your bit to keep her safe
your brother has not aligned with you making your job harder
so let her get on with it unless there’s a way of making her take an eye test and that determine if she’s legally allowed to be on the road
Feel proud you had the courage to challenge your mother
she doesn’t appreciate it do take a step back and deal with anything as and if it happens
forget it now

Stop blaming yourself for making the right decision. You are saving her from physical danger of accident or getting lost. You are also protecting all the capable drivers (and pedestrians) who NEED to be on the roads. Dr. Phil described cars as “5000 pound weapons” in the hands of incapacitated drivers. She WILL NOT comprehend it. Please give yourself grace and hang up on her if she gets verbally abusive.

First of all, breathe!!! Take long slow and deep breaths! It is not as bad as you’re feeling. You need to give yourself grace! I know you say you messed up but what you have done and what you were doing is out of love!!

Let me pause here to say that this is not a polished or edited response that I took time to make sure everything was grammatically, correct, etc. I saw you cry for help and immediately started writing.

As power of attorney for an elderly relative with some mental health diagnoses, and some dementia, I have certainly had moments with her letting me have it as you just described. I know it’s hard not to, but you cannot take it personally. I am also the one who does for my mom while my brother sits in a state almost 1000 miles away. It is always the one who is with the loved one who sees it takes actions in a way those who don’t and won’t.

Do not let this discourage you. Because of what you see day in a day out and because of what you know on a level that no one else knows you know what is best. Consider this: sometimes the way to get through those really tough times is to think about the alternative. In other words, considering the possibilities of what could happen if we don’t act or make those decisions that are in the best interest of our loved one. We would feel worse if those possibilities materialized this, and knowing that it’s all coming from a place of love, will bring you a greater peace than if something should happen if you didn’t take this course of action, or any other course of action you deem appropriate.

Just the way that you described how you feel lets me know how deep your love is for your mom. You keep loving her despite her acting out her own hurt and despite your brother not joining you in the kind of support and care that you’re trying to provide for your mother. Believe me, I’m there too. My brother does many wonderful things, but he never really gets it nor takes actions as I’ve suggested.

Caregiving can be a very lonely and heart-wrenching job! No one but the caregiver knows what it’s like no matter what anyone else says. But here’s the thing, my dear, you are not alone! And though many of us feel like we are not cut out for the job, we most definitely have what it takes. That’s why you are there. You are there because you are the one to care for your mom, care for yourself through this, in a way that only you can and that she needs! She needs you, whether she knows it or not, to continue to be you with her.

please be kind to yourself. Doing so is not a luxury. It is necessary for your well-being. It is necessary for you to continue to show up for your mom. Know that there’s a part of her that knows what you’re doing is in her best interest and comes from a place of love. She’s not able to recognize a focus on that part at this time in her journey, but is there. More importantly, you know is there.

As far as using the word, dementia, yeah, that can be hard to hear but that’s just because accepting such a major changes can be hard for all of us. It is in this spirit that I am encourage you not kick yourself for not knowing. We’ve all said things – I’ve said many things – that didn’t land well, and frankly, should not have been said. These are the things and times we learn how better to move forward.

you’re bodily actions are telling you how painful this is for you. The flipside of this is those same bodily actions are telling you to take care of yourself as well – that you need regular attention to your own well-being for this journey. I’m grateful that you are in this community to hopefully get the support that you need. If you can find someone to talk to face-to-face or over the phone, do that as well. Take breaks and have self-care practices. Do not beat yourself up. Give yourself grace and honor yourself for the love you readily give!

Keep moving forward! Just keep moving forward, in love for your mom and loving yourself with grace and regular self-care!

You are enough!

Cognitive dysfunction aside, there are a couple of other factors at work here. One is that, as we age, especially in the 80s and 90s, we see our independence falling away, like those videos of icebergs "calving" when a chunk of iceberg splits off the cliff and falls into the ocean. I've seen with my own nonagenarian parents how this happens. One minute you're driving around, independently getting yourself where you need to go, the next...that's not safe anymore. And worse, you've got family members telling you you shouldn't be driving and getting doctors involved. "I thought they loved me, why are they taking away my independence?"

Secondly, this is the stage of life where we regress in some ways to acting like, and maybe thinking like, children. When my dad hit 90 and was having vision issues, his ophthalmologist suggested it might be time to hang up the car keys. Dad was on the edge of "okay to drive" and "not okay to drive". He was also due to renew his driver's license, so the doc said, "well, see if you pass" (confessing to me later that he was sure Dad wouldn't). The whole month before testing Dad went around saying, "I don't care if I pass or not, I'm not going to give up driving. I don't care if I get arrested." That's the thinking of a 3-year-old, not a reasoned adult who can see the logic behind "double vision = not safe to drive". (It's also the thinking of someone scared to lose a huge chunk of their independence.)

I don't have advice for what you can do other than tell her you're not having that conversation and hang up. (And do have a conversation with your brother about how his lenience is not helping.)

My dad passed his driving test, to our dismay. We finally settled on a compromise where he is allowed to drive within a five mile radius, and he has to find other transportation for further drives. (His double vision is mild, but we're getting more worried about his ability to make good decisions while driving, so he's been making use of the AL transportation options as much as possible.)

This is hard for everyone. But you don't have to take the abuse. It's not really aimed at you, you're just the convenient target for her anger and frustration at the aging process. But it still feels awful, and I'm sorry you're in the thick of it. Your health matters, so walk away from the upsetting conversations as much as you can.

Next time you’re at the doctor’s office without mom, think about answering the question they often ask, truthfully. I did this last week. “Are you in an abusive/harmful relationship now?” I said yes. Yes I am. My husband has dementia. He has been falling more at home. Won’t use a cane. Is not taking meds properly-which I will have to supervise, and a list of other behaviors. The hospital sent in another person to further evaluate what was happening. I explained the home issues in greater detail. Glad I did this. Puts the situation here on sharper focus and maybe a chance of getting extra help. I’m done with pretending this is easy to do. Caregiving is hard. Often those being helped are abusive. Sure, it’s the disease, but then let’s try to address that. Medicate the symptoms. Be honest about what is happening in the home. Have an entire department of social workers to help the families, doctors, patients. Learn better placement techniques. The day the doctor says it would be a good time for assisted living-have the place and space ready for the patient. This having been previously discussed by the caregivers, family and agreed upon. I think this is the one topic that gets discussed the most here. Driving too. But, caregivers just don’t have the impact of someone wearing a white coat does, who tells them it’s now time to get extra help.

How much do I love you Mom?
I'd do anything to keep you safe!
Dementia is scary not only for you but them,too! They don't have the capability to understand, their brain is short circuiting. I see you are moving forward to protect her by putting her in AL, good call! I think the most valuable information came from my mom's general physician, a senior could die if the air bag goes off as the pressure can break bones at their age and puncture the lungs. My mom got the message! We all know that there's other people who could be involved but this hit her deeply. Anyone can be a good driver but accidents happen to anyone and we should consider the age factor. We use seatbelts and car seats for a reason,we should take the keys for their protection. You are now the parent and you are going to have many times when you are going to have to say no.

You are doing the right thing. Both my parents have dementia. My mother is in memory care and my dad is at home and is always talking about how he is going to drive again. He really believes it but he has cognitive and physical limitations due to his stroke.
You can’t really explain to your mother about her dementia or why she can’t drive. They will always argue back and they will be cruel about it. I’m going to tell you from personal experience to not take this personally.
Its better to be the “bad guy” and protect your mother from herself.
I have brought up this story on this forum about the Farmer’s market crash that happened in 2003. The very sad story about an 86 year old man who plowed through a crowd at the market KILLING 10 people and injured many more.
I think about that story every time my dad talks about driving. I don’t know how advanced your mom is in her dementia but I wouldn’t risk it.
Your mom may have good eyesight but there’s more to driving than just having decent vision.

My mother keeps saying she wants to have her car at her MC and keeps wanting and offering to drive places so I won’t have to drive her. Her memory is bad enough that she gets lost even in her building but good enough that she realizes that. I stopped going through the usual explanations and now I simply ask her if she knows how to get wherever or if she’d get lost. She does know that she would just get lost, even if she just walked out the building and stops complaining!

You haven't screwed up, you were brave enough to do the right thing. My husband's new psychiatrist told him on the first visit that he could drive if he felt up to it. We went on a test ride away from rush hour and he turned the wrong way on a major freeway. Luckily nobody was coming, but he got mad at me "because I distracted him". Sure... I sent a message to the psychiatrist and at the next visit she suggested to my husband that he should not increase his stress by driving. He still gets mad at me for taking the keys, but I am not responding. It is stressful, but better than having him and/or others killed in an accident. It is always stressful to go against the will of one who can't reason, but you did the right thing.

We had the same issues with our 97 year old Dad with dementia. It's a long story, but he refused to stop driving, would NOT give up his keys, etc... Finally, we did submit and "unsafe driver" report to the DMV. In about 3 weeks, they sent him a notice telling him that his license has been revoked. This worked as he doesn't want to do anything "illegal." He doesn't know we submitted it. He thinks he flunked a test somewhere along the line. Hope this helps!

You did the right thing.
You are vomiting, shaking and terrified because like many of us, you believe you should not displease a parent and causing them to be displeased is wrong, because as children we were taught to obey. You were upset over her anger. You are not doing anything wrong.
You are an adult who cares about her Mom and others. You will not be able to keep your Mom happy as she loses her abilities as she goes through the last years of her life. You just have to do the best you can for her without making yourself ill. Sometimes you have to take care of you. How will she fare if something happens to you?

Lilac, you are an adult and do not have to accept abuse from anyone, especially from this monster.

Don't take it on, don't accept her calls, do what you have to do to protect yourself first. Never mind the brother blah blah blah. Not important and not your problem.

She's on her own, and the chips will fall as they may. Your health is suffering at this point. Wash your hands of it all and move on.