My husband and I stay with my mother-in-law. She is 80, has Parkinson's for years, dementia for a few years, and is a widow. She is mobile but is very forgetful. I have a toilet problem with her. She wears depends to bed. I suspected she wet her bed. She doesn't wear her underwear daily because she forgets to change and I am not allowed to say anything. Now, with another cat in the house, we keep the toilet lid down. I already use a puppy pad and wash cloth to keep wetness up and off stuff. This week, I cleaned up poop and urine since she forgets the seat being down. Today, she got surprised by the kitten jumping and I just changed the puppy pad. She peed all over the lid, floor, and puppy pad. I told her that maybe she may have to wear the depends during the day and not go to the bathroom anymore. She rejected this idea, of course. I told her that I just changed the pad and cleaned. She said she knew. This kind of change has to be my husband's recommendation. She won't listen to me. I do all the cleaning. He has no idea...
If you are not permitted to say anything then this has to come from him. If he is oblivious to what you are cleaning up let him understand.
She probably should be wearing a disposable incontinent product daily and at night. A clean one in the morning and a clean one at night an any time during the day when it is soiled. This is not only going to safe the furniture and her clothing but skin breakdown happens easily and can be difficult to manage.
Easy peasy.
He either accepts reality or makes other arrangements for his mother. Her panties are disposed of and REPLACED with pull up Depends which now come in lovely patterns that look like underwear. For nighttime, get Medline Extrasorb liners on Amazon which are huge and SO absorbent, she can let go of a gallon of urine and it will be no problem.
https://www.amazon.com/Medline-Extrasorbs-Drypad-Underpads-Permeable/dp/B07GYZNDY8/ref=sr_1_5?crid=15IHSD0IDFO62&dchild=1&keywords=medline+extrasorbs+ap+30x36&qid=1602690794&sprefix=medline+extraso%2Caps%2C223&sr=8-5
Another option worth trying as well is to tell your husband how dangerous this is for his mother. Skin breakdown, falls (nothing like poop on the bathroom floor for causing skids), perhaps other posters can come up with other reasons why husband should do something better for his mother’s sake!
In hindsight bringing a kitten into the mix was not a good idea. I have had cats and the last thing I would want to do with caring for anyone was to deal with training a kitten.
Having dealt with urinary and fecal incontinence I would never encourage anyone to give up using the toilet prematurely. Never. Wearing Depends all the time isn't necessarily going to stop her from trying to use the toilet - they do pull up and down like regular underwear - and if she does have a bowel movement in them it isn't going to reduce the clean up, in fact it might actually be worse.
Makes sense ... until it gets nasty since the mother is dirty and the bathroom is dirty and house is smelly.
This plan is playing with fire. Have a backup plan!
The cat needs to stay out of the bathroom - close the door and leave the toilet top up so she can go. Not sure if a new cat was your idea or someone else's, but that's just more work for you. If you only have one bathroom, put a potty chair by her bed and she can keep that door closed and use that - eliminating the cat problem. Much better to have toileting in the toilet - not in the pants.
There is nothing wrong with wearing a pull up or depends all day long to catch accidents. Keep a supply of clean pads/depends next to the toilet so she changes as needed. It makes no sense to walk around with no protection and just peeing on the floor. You should be able to repeat this conversation until she gets it. However if she only takes direction from hubby - then you need to be a little firmer with him to tell her. Let him know that you aren't going to continue to be the only one doing cleaning simply because he chooses not to talk to her. Let him step in a few puddles if you have to, but that is ridiculous and shows lack of respect for you.
It might be a better idea to close the bathroom door to keep kitty out than to keep the lid closed.
I've found her try and sneak to use them because she doesn't like to get up to go (inconvenient...she says) but I am pretty firm. UTI's can go to sepsis quickly. She can get a pill to decrease urinary urgency that might help a bit.
No son wants to discuss toileting issues with their mother or clean up urine and feces after her. Take control of the situation, establish some caring authority, and deal with it. In my experience, sons are not the best people to deal with the intimate health problems of their opposite sex parents. As for getting him to clean up the mess, forget it. This wife is already subservient to her husband and that pattern, if long-standing and/or “cultural,” will continue.
Cats often like to drink out of the toilet and on occasion will fall in, but having a cat in the house is no reason to keep the lid down. I have 3 adults cats and a kitten, all of them like to drink out of the toilet at times. It just means I somethings have wet paw prints on the seat. Far easier to wipe those down than a complete clean up because your MIL cannot remember to put up the lid.
Assuming you notice them first!!! Nothing like sitting down and THEN realizing the seat is wet!!! :-)
Your husband is not very empathetic to your needs. I understand that he wants his mom cared for. He should not expect you to do everything!
He can hire a caregiver to help out. He can also hire a housekeeper as well. Do you have any help?
Call Council on Aging in your area to see if she qualifies for free help. They are wonderful! I have used their service.
C on A will help with light housekeeping in her room, preparing light meals, bathing, toileting, help getting dressed and sitting with them so you can run errands.
When my friend’s husband asked her about his mom moving in with them she said, “Fine, you are retired so you can tend to your mom.” He does!
She doesn’t even cook for her mother in law. Well, she hates cooking. Her husband has always cooked.
Is your husband retired? If so, he can tend to her and things will change rapidly.
It’s not your mother in law’s fault. She has dementia.and Parkinson’s disease.
My mom has Parkinson’s disease and it’s a dreadful disease. Their mind wants to do one thing but the body cannot always follow. It’s a neurological disease.
As far as the cat goes, just shut the door. I watched my daughter’s dog occasionally and he would nap on the bathroom rug. Mom couldn’t maneuver around him so I started shutting the door. He found another place to nap and mom wasn’t bothered by him.
I do agree. Stopping her from using the bathroom is wrong. Following her into the bathroom is an idea.
There are bed protectors (kaylees) which the users sleep over (not under the bedding), also protectors for covering chairs and sofas.
You need to get to the root of the problem. It sounds like she may be having trouble “making it there” in time. Or, perhaps she can’t remember to lift the lid, generally. Is she unaware of the mess she leaves afterwards? Is this #1, #2 or both?
This is something that should be discussed with her doctor. If it’s #1 only, there are medications that might help her control it better. Could she have a UTI (confusion and frequency?). Could there be a problem like a prolapsed uterus that is putting extra pressure on her bladder? This can be corrected surgically and is very helpful for some.
if this is #2, there could be a different medical problem. Is she due for a colonoscopy?
Maybe she needs more assistance getting to, or in, the bathroom.
if she doesn’t remember she has to go or realize she made a mess, there could be a more concerning cognitive issue (worsening dementia) that needs attention).
Nevertheless, you say that you are “staying” with her. Are you there for caretaking it is she letting you live there?
Isn’t she more important than “another cat” in the house? Can the new cat be confined? Her dignity should be a priority.
You want your husband to have this conversation, but that may be humiliating or uncomfortable for both of them. Talk to her, woman-to-woman. Tell her this is what women wear nowadays for better comfort. Show her the commercials (many times the women appear young). If you can’t do this, have her doctor talk to her.
Make sure that she feels in control, somewhat independent and free from humiliation. Set up a system to best help her keep her dignity. Love the pets, but put the people first. The pets can adapt more easily than people, anyway.
Actually wearing them 24 7 could lead to infections.
Juse keep the lid up or shut the bathroom door.
Your MIL is more important than your Cat
My father was living in a facility that offered both independent and assisted living options. He was in independent and I was the primary care giver when he reached this point (needing to wear all the time). And, I let it slide. I covered the bed in plastic and washed sheets once a week. But, it was not enough since his apartment smelled of urine. That continued for months until the staff of the facility stepped in and asked to take over. I let them and they did what was needed. They kept him in absorbent underwear and they kept his clothes and bedding clean. No more smell. Dad was clean. Dad was being cared for.
I know my situation is different than yours since you are doing the cleaning. But, I wanted to share my experience to support you and what you know needs to happen. Like the staff at his facility, you see the problem and you know the solution.
How do you get your husband on board? I don't know, other than to say you need to be firm with him. Tell him that his mother is changing; that he may not be ready for it; may not like it. But it's happening. It's time for him to grow up and take responsibility for his mother. Role reversal is normal. It is now time for him to care for her. She will increasingly become more childlike and he must act like the adult and do the right thing.
Good luck.
So first thing I would do is change the approach a bit, just because she is wearing disposable underwear all the time doesn’t mean she shouldn’t still be using the toilet when she needs to, the underwear is simply a back up to help eliminate the need for more clean up and laundry should accidents occur as well as a safety for her so if she just can’t get to the bathroom or doesn’t feel the urge in time she doesn’t have to go through the embarrassment of wetting herself and the bed or chair she’s sitting in. Urinary (and I would focus on that) incontinence is very common in woman, in particular women who have borne children, as they age. It’s just a fact and it’s something your husband might be able to understand. Take the focus off of all you have to go through cleaning up as the reason to change things and put it on what’s best for MIL, wether she says it outwardly or not every time she has an accident it must be awful for her. Some people deal with embarrassment by trying to hide things and acting embarrassed, others deal with it by ignoring or even blaming others in some way but internally it’s torture. Believe me the hiding and trying to pretend everything is ok isn’t better. Anyway if I were you I would encourage having her doctor start the conversation with her, it doesn’t have to be you or your husband and then maybe she and her doctor can figure out which one of you MIL is most comfortable with being the go to in the household on this. Don’t refer to the disposable underwear as diapers, they are underwear, find the type and style that she likes best and start slowly replacing all of her reusable underwear with the deposable she likes. Then perhaps discreetly put a fresh new pair out for her morning and night, maybe on her bed or just in the bathroom, somewhere that will trigger her memory to put a new pair on without you or hubby saying anything to remind her. We have one of those small metal trash cans with a lid that closes on its own in Moms bathroom rite nest to the toilet, I get the small lemon scented trash bags that fit inside from Walmart and she can just tie the bag up when it gets full which happens every couple days. This not only helps hold the smell down but gives her the independence to take care of this personal need on her own. Is there a way to keep the cats out of the bathroom she uses? Somehow make it off limits to them so the toilet seat can stay up and surprises while she is in there don’t happen? If litter is in there it might be better to move it elsewhere anyway with an elderly person around to keep hygiene easier and better, she is far more susceptible to UTI and anything you can do to help prevent that will only make your life easier.
Also, you not being “allowed” to participate in MIL care other than as maid in your own home is not sustainable so maybe finding a way through this will help DH let go of some of that control and trust that you can be a participating partner before you have to be forceful. GL!