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My daughters children against me., and taken my place in their lives., all behind my back, with lies. They have not been in our lives for many years. I'm having real difficulty allowing them into my house to visit with her. I know it's not about me, and want my daughter to see who she wishes. The only thing I can think of is to see my daughter when I am not there. Any advice. ?

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You are right...this isn't about you right now, but your daughter who I'm sure would love to spend time with her children before she dies. She deserves that much.
If you are not comfortable being around your own grandchildren(so very sad)at this point, then by all means stay away while they're there or stay in another part of your home.
Otherwise you have the option of showing your grandchildren love and compassion(and proving your sisters wrong)by welcoming them in to your home and treating them like valued family members for the sake of your daughter if not yourself, and enjoying the time that they're there.
The choice is yours.

I'm sorry that your daughter is nearing death. As a mom myself, I can't imagine the pain you're going through.
So I pray that God will give you His wisdom and discernment in this situation, and that He will give you the strength to carry on and do what's best for your daughter.
God bless you.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Suck it up and focus on your daughter and what she wants. That is what is important. This is about her. If she wants to see family and friends, then make it happen. Take the high road and just be cordial and be there while they are there. . Leave the family drama for another time and place.

This is so not the time for in-fighting.

I’m truly sorry that your daughter is so sick. Life is not fair.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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So sorry about your daughter, and I'm so sorry about your grandchildrens mom. Emotions are running very high right now for all of you, and I suspect no one is thinking very clear.

Your grandchildren are very young to go through this, and what ever they did in the past was done at a very young age and we all make mistakes.

They need to spend some time with there mom for there mental health, I'm sure if you where thinking more clearly you would understand that, but right now understandable all you can think with is your pain of what you are going through. That is also all your grandchildren can think too. This is not all about you and what you want and need this is only about one person , this is about your daughter .

You say you don't want to leave your daughter, I get that but you should, and not so much for your grandchildren but for you to get some time alone, to breath, rest and to gather your thoughts by yourself. Go sit in a park or someplace that is special to you, take a walk anything that is for you.

Think about it this way, if it was you that was dieing, who would you want there, your daughter! Your daughter wants and needs to be around her children, your grandchildren need to be around there mother!!!!
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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My grandchildren do and will see their mother. It is my 2 sisters that have been out of our lives .I will suck it up and allow my two evil sisters in. I will have my daughter choose times when I am out of the house. Going to see a therapist to help me with my feelings of pain, hurt and betrayal from my sisters. Thankyou for your comments. I guess I didn't clarify my question correctly.
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Reply to Christine66
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Anxietynacy Aug 4, 2024
Christine, I 100 percent understand the anger towards family members, for all sorts of reasons.

But I have also learned that having anger towards them only hurts one person. The only person my anger towards my family hurts is me. Some times it takes me a bit to over come anger, after my golden child brother makes me angry, I have to feel it for a bit , then I just let it go with the wind. Let go let him go and let God. I don't want anymore anger in my life .

I get to see that "wonderful" brother today, having a small get together at moms for my son's 30th. So I'll fake it. Honestly hardly stressed me anymore, he means so little to me.
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You are correct.
It is not about you.
In fact, this is about your daughter and she should be not only afforded the RIGHT, but she should be given every opportunity to see those she wishes to see. And clearly this is one child that hasn't been "turned against you".

To be honest, I don't think ANYONE can turn our children against us.
I can't know all the details, but if your children have turned against you it is for more reasons than lying sisters I would think.
That's neither here nor there. But............
You now have a chance to change things UTTERLY and forever by welcoming into your home all who wish to visit your daughter, by being accomodating and providing "coffee, tea or milk". You can be kind and generous and you can CHANGE ALL THEIR MINDS about who you are.

It's up to you. We all make choices for our own lives. None of us on Forum are walking in your shoes. I am just telling you what I would try. And hey, if it didn't work to make them love me, then my trying wasn't all that difficult, and I can comfort myself that I DID try.

Let me end with telling you I wish you the very best in your mission now to provide comfort and peace for your daughter. THAT is gold! My heart goes out to you in your own sorrow.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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MargaretMcKen Aug 4, 2024
Alva, you are fortunate to be able to say 'To be honest, I don't think ANYONE can turn our children against us'. It happens, often when children develop an allegiance to someone else and feel that it's necessary to make a choice.
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Of course you will allow your grands to see Mom. I can't imagine what your sisters could have told your grands to turn them against you, but those people I would not allow in my house. If they weren't in your lives before, they don't need to be in it now.

Just curious, why would your sisters come back into a nieces life when she is on her deathbed? What satisfaction are they getting by lying about you? And why do the grands believe them? Why is your daughter allowing these lies?
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Guilt. My eldest grandson does not beleive her badmouthing and lies. Just a little history. My dau when she was 18 moved in with my sister. My sister handed off my dau as a "date", with her male friend who is my sisters age. 2yrs younger than me. Bought hetiedr a evening dress, did her hair,etc rented a limo and her my dau and her two male friends partied in Seattle. My dau date had a rx for oxycontin and offered her some. She never left him and went to Florida with him. I flew down 1.5yrs later and got her. She was a wreck. Oxygen, heroin. Etc. Already well into her addiction. I tried for yrs to help her in her recovery, but she wasn't serious. She's lived homeless for a good 20yrs off and on, sometimes with me. I had to cut her loose as I was told I was enabling her and she needs to do this herself. This same sister went behind my back and thwarted my effort to host a bday party for my dau second son when he was 3. Invited my family and had her party before his bday, and did not even invite me, I had no clue. I only found out when party was already in progress. Those are the worse incidences. There are more! That is why I am in turmoil about having them back in our lives. My daughter knows all this, but she loves everyone. It does hurt her that they are continuing to hurt me. And to this day are not respecting my daughters request to wait to come see her in the hospital until she let's them know she is ready. They were told by charge nurse to wait, but she used my grandson as a distraction and tried to sneak in later that same evening, and got caught. This is my place of employment I am a 42yr RNC. She is forcing herself on my daughter to accept her visit, and my dau is very sick from chemo and in alot of pain that they are still trying to manage. I apologize for writing a book. But I don't know what to do. I will discuss this with my daughter at my lunch break tomorrow. Thank you to all for listening. 😘
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Reply to Christine66
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againx100 Aug 5, 2024
Your sister is a real piece of work. Sorry that people can just really suck. It's also too bad that your daughter is so willing to see her nasty aunts, but I guess it's her choice and many people do not want confrontation and are bad at saying no. I can't believe they went behind the nurse's backs and against your daughter's wishes. Jerks.

It seems like your plan to just not be there could be workable. Unless it is interfering with your ability to spend time with your daughter. I would try to stay as calm as possible. Don't let them get to you. But I would keep them out of your life as much as possible. I also hope your grandkids will understand that their aunties are meddling and know not what they speak of.
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I have (I hope) resolved an 8 year no-contact estrangement from one of my daughters. It happened when I finally needed to contact her about our shared genetic health problem, which she got from me. Her reaction to my contact was very different from the original issues, and we moved on from there. I hope for your sake and for the sake of everyone else involved, that this might be a game-changer for you too. Take it gently, be nice, don’t talk about the past, and wait and see if things improve. It might bring you back together, if you all let it work. I hope so for your sake, Margaret
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Thank you , me too. I have tried trust me. They are filled with hate and estranged by my entire family. I have reached out to reconcile but they are steadfast in their refusal. So I have just left them alone. My concern is now dedicated to my daughter and her comfort, and spending some quality time together. And i will continue to protect us from toxic ppl I don't care if they are family or not. They are going to respect my dau wishes or they will not be welcome.
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Reply to Christine66
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Again, your house, you do not have to allow your sisters in. You have a very good reason why not. Keep the doors locked and call the police if they refuse to leave the property.

If your daughter wantsvto see them, maybe allow a visit for maybe 30 min at a day andvtime convenient to you. Remember, itsvyour home. If they won't leave, call the police. Do not argue with them. Just say once "I will call the police". Then do it if they still won't leave. Then, do not allow them to return.
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