MyWorld2747 Asked September 2023
I worry about everything, especially my mom. How do I stop freaking out and stressing myself out? I can't just stay calm. I'm scared 2 lose my mom.
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Just need some help I am a worry wort and my mom is my world, she currently has a uti and the last one was awful and traumatic for her and I. I just want to know how to be calm and stop stressing myself out all the time.
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First - wow - you and your mom really resemble each other - you must hear that a lot. From your words and photo, it's clear to see just how close you both are - that's very special. And I understand how frightening it is to experience a parent going thru a UTI - it's startling. This amazing and beautiful "AC forum family" helped me in the midst of when it happened to my father and they immediately guided me within minutes of my posting, and I will always be grateful (meanwhile, it took my father's doctor a day and a half to even call back.)
Anyway, what struck me was your mention that "your mother is your whole world and that you're a worry wart." It's actually not good for anyone to make one thing or person their entire world - this applies to a job - or spouse - or parent - or anything. Reason being, life changes and losses happen and it's really important to develop a balanced life. So, you didn't mention if you're currently working or have other passions or interests in your life - and that's important. It also helps reduce stress and worry. For example, if you're engaged in working or a project or going out with friends, it'll limit your focus on worrying and it will train your mind to tune out unpleasant thoughts longer. It's a process.
Also, the fact that you and your mom have such a beautiful relationship should actually give you solace rather than worry - because you can really have peace knowing that the two of you have made the most of your time together. And, maybe it's a good time for you to spread your wings and create other relationships and interests that also provide fulfillment - even work or volunteer work provides purpose and enriches our lives. The more that you make your mantra that your mom is your whole world, the more you'll remain feeling as is.
Wishing you all the very best ~
There are a LOT of things that are out of your control.
If the things that are stressing you are things that YOU can control, YOU can change then you can make changes that will help relieve some of the anxiety, some of the stress.
If you can not control the things that are stressing you out you have to accept that or you will make yourself sick and that will not do anyone any good.
I think you should talk to YOUR doctor about the anxiety that you are having. The stress of caregiving is bad enough but adding in your PTSD as you say this is not helping you.
Medication might help you, talking to a therapist might help.
And I hate to bring up the "elephant in the room" but you have to accept that this wonderful bond that you have will change, it will be broken, your mom will not live forever and I have the feeling that this is what most of your anxiety, PTSD is about.
We're meant to grow up and away from our parents. Becoming enmeshed to a large degree means that we haven't made the transitions that we need for our own mental health. Look ahead for yourself - build a network - find your own interests.
There's a whole universe out there waiting to be explored.
It is common with any anxiety disorder to be unable to stay "mindful" of the moment, to stay "in the day". Instead our minds go back to all that DID happen and forward to all that MIGHT happen and we try to create a secure world in which nothing bad CAN happen to us, to those we love. We become unable to live in the world. Unable to ask ourselves "Right now, at this very moment, what is wrong". We lose perspective.
Sometimes a licensed Social Worker in private practice as a counselor is better than a psychologist to deal with these day to day and daily problems.
You might first consider a class online, some exercises in mindfulness, in bring your mind back to the moment, in training your mind (they are habitual creatures, our brains) to stay right here right now.
My Mom used to have an expression that most things, left alone, take care of themselves. While it is true, she, who was so mindful, raised two kids who needed to work a lot on anxiety, to recognize it and to try to retrain our brains to stay in the moment.
I so identify and my heart goes out to you. I wasted so much time during my brother's last illness worrying over what COULD happen. None of it did, and what did happen was entirely "other" and could not have been imagined. I hope you manage to free yourself up a bit. Life is so full of lessons. This is just one you are working on.
You mention specifically a recent UTI, so important here is just WHAT YOU CAN DO, and what you canNOT. You can test urine yourself with a simple color coded dipstick that costs almost nothing on Amazon. Then, if bacterial contamination is suggested the urine can be taken in to the lab for culture. So that's a simple solution to a worry, one you can accomplish weekly as needed.
You mention also, "I don't want to lose my Mom" and it is that underlying fear of loss driving much of your anxiety I would guess. Because you ARE going to lose your Mom eventually. And you are trying to prepare yourself by being mindful of that fact, that threat, that fearsome future. Whatever you imagine now about this loss, it will be something different from what you imagine. While I feared loss, as well, the fact is that when it came I felt "relief" as much as anything else, that there was no longer any pain or fear for those I loved. We try to make it better by imagining every contingency; and in so doing we make it all ever so much worse for no reason whatsoever.
The UTIs, use cranberry tablets and maybe a probiotic to help prevent them. Alva, a member of the forum and an RN, recommends D-Mannose to prevent them.
P.S. don't look like your Mom much do you? You definitely will know what you will look like at 76.
"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere."
We are ALL going to die one day including your mom, so instead of worrying why don't you try just enjoying every day that the Good Lord blesses you with her. That will make it much more enjoyable for you both, as I can imagine that your constant stressed out status rubs off on your mom as well and only escalates any situation.
I don't know if you believe in God or not, but if you do, worry=not trusting God. It's as plain and simple as that.
So start trusting Him today and start enjoying the life that God has given you, and the mom He's given you, because you're right...someday you will lose her.
God bless you and keep you.
We are born to die, one day at a time, it is the normal attrition of life, acceptance is needed.
When ones life circulates solely around an another there is a problem that needs to be addressed. Might be time to figure out why you are so codependent on your mother.
Sending support your way.
Fear, worry and anxiety all come from looking into the future and not knowing what is going to happen and wanting to control it all. I understand this so well. The more knowledge you have about what your mom is going through the better you can help her and yourself and feel more confident and prepared for what might come. You are more capable than you know and I know it's terrifying but you can and will make it.
It helps to take time for yourself, just yourself as hard as it may be it's important. Try to do things you enjoy daily or weekly whatever those things may be. Take a bubble bath, go into nature, watch the sunrise or sunset, read a book, go to the beach whatever makes you feel good, grounded and happy. You are also your world and it's important to prioritize yourself and your well being as well as your moms. I truly hope this helps you <3<3<3
It might also help to seek therapy to help you get through your mother’s end of life years. It sounds like this won’t be easy for you.
Google "free meditation apps" and find one that you like. The more you ptactise, the more you will find yourself able to replace your panic response with a calming one.