I’m new to these forums and I need some advice.
My father is a disabled Vietnam veteran and just recently (May 2018) moved in with me after it was determined that he couldn’t live alone anymore. I was happy about it for awhile, but now I’m starting to get extremely stressed and burnt out. He stays in the spare bedroom on the first floor so that he can get to the bathroom in time, but the thing is, he won’t use it. I work extremely hard to keep his room clean and him clean but its like he works against me. He pees in cups, puts cigarettes out in it (has a urinal but completely ignores it) and knocks them over into the carpet. The carpet in his room is filthy and black. My whole house stinks like his urine because of it and whenever I try and gently remind him to use his urinal because my house stinks and the carpet is destroyed, he argues with me and tries to make excuses like “You let the cats use the bathroom in a box on the floor, but I’m the one tho makes it stink?” He wears depends and will defecate in them and just toss them on the floor. I rent this house, so it will cost me a pretty penny to get that room cleaned if I ever move out. I’m embarrassed to have friends and family over because of his behaviors.
For awhile, I thought he was going on himself because he was because he was losing his mobility. So, I felt bad for him. But I’ve noticed when it came to things like when I’m taking too long to bring him a cigarette, he can get up and walk to hassle me. But when he wants water, food, or anything he calls me and calls me non stop. I can never get any rest. If my husband tries to help, he rejects it and tells him to just get me. On the off chance that I do have time to myself, he guilt trips me into staying home or will ask for things right when I have to leave to try and get me to be late. Or if I have friends over he’ll call me over and over and over to the point where I can’t hang out for longer than an hour.
I love him to death, but he just doesn’t understand how much stress he’s putting me under. I don’t mind caring for him, but he just won’t help me help him. I know he can do things independently because I’ve seen him. He has congestive heart failure, diabetes, hypertension, PTSD and some mobility troubles. My family always has a lot to say about how I care for him, but they never help me. I don’t want him going into a home or anything but I’m starting to feel trapped, like I’ll never be able to do anything again.
You also need to set boundries.
It is not ok for him to pour his pee on the floor. It is not okay for him to put poopy depends on the floor. Period, no argument.
You are in control if you have somewhere to be and he calls out to you, tell him when you will be home and leave.
If he will not accpet your husbands help, then tough love. Do not step up.
If he interrupts when you have friends over, tell him you will respond once, then if he interrupts again he will no longer be welcome in your home.
Your father is manipulating you and you have to stop dancing to his tune.
If it were my dad, he would be given a choice, pay to have the carpet replaced and keep it clean, or move out.
His PTSD may be a contributor to his behaviour, but I know several people with severe PTSD, who do not leave poopy garments on the floor, who are polite and friendly.
And in fact, it is a very good thing that you have realised this in time. I tend not to share them because they're very upsetting, but trust me the papers are full of stories, one a week I'd say, where families have for whatever reason not felt able to admit defeat and things have turned very nasty or lethal or both.
So. It is time to make Plan B. I should start by retracing your steps to whatever led up to the determination, and making contact with the health and welfare people involved in that.
Who pees in a cup then knocks it over with cigarette butts in it? He is using and abusing you. You and your husband need to help him find a facility where his needs can be met. I get that you don't want to place him, but I think that living like this could cost you many things, friends, peace of mind, maybe even your husband and over the long haul your own health.
You need to look at it from responsibility, you are not doing this, you are not placing him in a facility, he is choosing to be placed, it is his responsibility to be a good house guest and he has chosen to be filthy and difficult. You have no reason to feel bad, you gave him a chance and he has destroyed that.
You can pour vinegar straight on the carpet and it will kill the enzymes that cause the stink. It smells strong until it drys, once dry no smell. Shampoo with arm and hammer laundry soap with oxiclean to clean the mess and freshen the room. It make take two passes but it works really well, my friends dad had accidents that he walked through and in his last month it was to hard to deal with that multiple times a day and everything else he needed, so it got rank and the above was the solution.
For your sanity, don't argue, tell him that he needs to move and here is the time frame and what his options are. He has already proven he will deflect and justify and not take responsibility for his actions. You are not a child and he is no longer your boss. If you can't be tough and stand up to him, have your husband help you, it is his home and life at stake as well.
Best of luck getting this dealt with soon. Oh, I don't think PTSD causes this kind of filthy living. Especially since it's new behavior since moving into your home.