She is recovering from hip fracture. Physical therapy comes to the house. She only does the bare minimum. She constantly calls my husband for help her I know she can do it on her own. This was my idea but now I think I made a mistake. My husband and I argue and we never argued before. She likes the attention from her son and he doesn’t see it. She pees in her depends during the night because she says she can’t get back into bed. My house smells, there is stuff all over and my den is now a bedroom. I can’t take take it anymore. I just want to stay in my room. I was trying to be a better person by bringing her here and also to make my husband happy. I honestly don’t think she wants to get better. The goal is to get her back on her feet and get her own place but I am afraid that won’t anymore. It only been 2 months. My husband is having knee replacement surgery and he won’t be able to help her. I can’t talk to him about it because we start fighting. She is only 69 years old and acts and looks like she is 90. Her hygiene habits are disgusting and I loose my appetite just watching her. She has always been a needy women and loves attention especially from her only son. The physical therapist and home health nurse come while I am at work so I don’t know what is talked about and I feel like she just tells them what they want to hear. I think she needs to go to a facility that will give her the help she needs and that is equipped to help her. My husband says that she can’t afford it because she only gets 1500 a month in social security. I just need some advice because I am worried that this will end my marriage or I will go
insane .
After your DH has knee replacement surgery, then you will be at the end of your rope if you aren't there already. He will expect you to take care of him AND his mother and if he's like a typical man, he'll have a hard time recuperating from knee replacement b/c there's a lot of pain involved with the physical therapy. And he's trained his mother to need a lot of help and you'll be IT while he's down! UGH.
She gets $1500 in SSI which can and should be used for in home caregivers to come into your home to help HER with whatever she can't manage alone while you're busy helping DH recuperate from knee replacement. Once she sees that you are not going to be her caregiver, and that DH is not capable of being her caregiver, and that she will have to spend her OWN MONEY to get the help she 'needs', her 'needs' may dwindle or disappear completely. The woman is 69 years old, for crying out loud. I'm 64 next month and 100% capable of taking care of myself, my home, my dog, my car, my finances, and everything that life throws at me, thank you very much, with no help from anyone but my husband who has more health issues than you can imagine.
Alvadeer has some good advice about getting some counseling set up. Your DH has to be willing to put YOU first, and find other living arrangements for his mother, otherwise the marriage may not work out. He may (hopefully) see that himself once he has the knee replacement and witnesses for himself what goes on in the house firsthand. He may realize ENOUGH and become willing to help mother find somewhere else to live, like she did a few short months before you opened your home to her.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything that's going on.
I also got you re hygiene. My mom loves to lick her fingers and it's disgusting. Can't she use the napkin that is right next to her?? And then when does she wash her hands? Hmmm. Ick.
Does she have any money in investments, etc.? Medicare is something to look into for her going into a nursing home at some point.
Maybe you need to try a new approach with your hubby. Be calm. Be honest. Tell him about your feelings without accusing him of anything. Don't say anything bad about his mom. Say that YOU aren't happy, that you had no idea what you were getting yourself into, etc. If he can't hear you when you share like this, a counselor might be a good idea.
Sadly, a wedge develops between a husband and wife. Unfortunately, some moms compete with their daughter in laws for their son’s attention. Couples are placed in an awkward situation. The wife doesn’t wish to have any arguments. The son doesn’t want to hurt either his wife or mother. Marriages do take a hit when a parent lives in the home.
Make it perfectly clear that you do not wish for your mother in law to remain in your home. Months turn into years. As years go by, the misery will become impossible to deal with. Your major concerns should be about the two of you. Your husband needs to learn how to help his mom to help herself.
As the wife, you come first. Would your husband be willing to speak to a marriage counselor?
Do you or your husband have permission to speak to your mom’s doctor? Why didn’t she go to a skilled nursing facility for rehab? Home health is good but physical therapy and occupational therapy is excellent when done in a rehab at a facility. Medicare pays for it as long as a doctor orders it.
Ask her doctor to give you the contact number and email for a social worker to help plan for your mother in law’s future. Your husband may feel lost without knowing any options.
Best wishes to you and your family.