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Mom will be transitioning to assisted living where I live at which is 3 hours away from her own home. Initially she was to be placed closer to her home but my brother just said he couldn't help with her so now the plan has changed. She wants to go to her house first but I'm reluctant to do this because I fear it would make it worse for her when it is time to leave. I am so torn and on the verge of tears because I'm not sure what is the best to do. I am new at all of this and I have so much anxiety. Help.

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Your Mom has expressed a wish to go to her home. You know her more than we do. To me, a home is almost a living, sentient thing. It is something I would want to say goodbye to, my home, my garden. Yes, there would be tears. Is this move not something worth mourning. A bit more than two years ago my brother had to make this move. I stayed with him in his home for a few days, saw him sit on the deck in his green chair with his eyes closed, absorbing the sun he so loved, watching the hummingbird make her nest. He knew he was going into assisted living and agreed with the choice. It was very sad. It also filled our hearts with love. As I said, you know your Mom. Some might grab the shotgun, sit in their chair and refuse to move. Only you can make this decision. Please allow her, if you are able, to mourn this transition. It may help her adapt to it. I am so sorry for both of your griefs, but that is real life.
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geddyupgo May 2021
AlvaDeer:
Thank you for sharing that story about your brother. It brought tears to my eyes. I can almost picture him sitting on that porch. That is the way I will say goodbye to my house when I have to leave it.
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I don't think taking her to her house would be good. Take her directly to assisted living. While I don't know your mom, I do know that you will be best not to have her see the house as she may give you a hard time about leaving.
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LoopyLoo May 2021
Second this.
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It will be very hard, but I think you should let her see her home one more time. If you live three hours away, there's no way she'll be back to see it some other time, so I think it's fair to allow her this time to say goodbye.

I still remember taking my mom to her nursing home, and she stood at the car and cried, "My home!" as though she'd lost her mother. It was awful, but as someone else said, a home is like a sentient being, and when you've been with that home for 50 years in my mother's care, you can't walk away easily.

The mistake I did make was taking her back to the house once because we were out together and we had to go to the bathroom. The house was close, so I took her there. We didn't leave for over an hour, and she wandered from room to room, distraught.

We had planned to bring her home each week to have a family dinner (her nursing home was less than a mile away), but after that one pit-stop we decided it was like sticking a dagger in her so we never brought her back.

Your mom may also get distraught going to her house one more time, but I think she deserves that one time.
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I agree with Alva, but be prepared if she starts asking why this and that can't happen so she can stay at home. You may want to have a "therapeutic excuse" to give her should she start balking. I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible for the both of you!
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Teared up just reading this. It's such a terrible transition for both you and your mom. She knows that once she goes to AL, she'll not see her home again and that's a bitter pill to swallow. You know that you'll be the one carrying out the transition that nobody really wants. Where was she supposed to stay in between the release from rehab and move into AL? Maybe she can stay with you and then you can she can visit her home for a couple of hours at a time? This way you can help her find items she would like and then have them in her new home at AL? IDK if this will work, but it may be a bit of compromise. This aging thing is pure hell.
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You are NOT alone! We are here to help! If you bring her back to her house, she will never go to Assisted living. Believe me. Be in control..not your mother! Hugs 🤗
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My brother and I were so fortunate in that our parents listened to a friend of theirs who told them to move together to AL so that they could make friends before one of them passed away. We went as a family to look at AL homes and our parents made their decisions after we all discussed the pros and cons of each. As we returned to their home after signing the AL agreement, my father began to wander around the outside of the home, looking at the flowering plants around the foundation. I asked him what he was looking at, and he replied, "all the work I won't have to do any more". My brother and I were each able to take Family Medical Leave to prepare our parents to leave their home and move. I made a floor plan on graph paper of their new living arrangement and cut out the shapes of the furniture items they would have space for there. They had lived in their home for over 60 years and had so much stuff. We loaded up the moving truck with all the furnishings and belongings they had chosen to take with them. My brother and I went to oversee the placement of everything as it came off the truck. We returned to the house for lunch with Mother and Dad. After lunch, Dad, who still had his driver's license, and Mother, got into their car and drove themselves to their new home. When they went into their new apartment, it was set up, ready for them as they had chosen. We all had dinner together in the dining hall with other residents, where they met their new neighbors. My brother and I, with the help of other family members, were able to take the time after Mother and Dad had moved to empty the house and close out that part of their lives. This was such a gift that our parents gave to my brother and myself. I plan to give such a gift to my children. It's all about feeling in control of one's life. My brother and I are so grateful that our parents were able to maintain that control at a time when they were feeling out of control. I hope other families will be able to feel so good about end-of-life choices.
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My brother and I were so fortunate in that our parents listened to a friend of theirs who told them to move together to AL so that they could make friends before one of them passed away. We went as a family to look at AL homes and our parents made their decisions after we all discussed the pros and cons of each. As we returned to their home after signing the AL agreement, my father began to wander around the outside of their home, looking at the flowering plants around the foundation. I asked him what he was looking at, and he replied, "all the work I won't have to do any more". My brother and I were each able to take Family Medical Leave to prepare our parents to leave their home and move. I made a floor plan on graph paper of their new living arrangement and cut out the shapes of the furniture items they would have space for there. They had lived in their home for over 60 years and had so much stuff. On the day of the move, we loaded up the moving truck with all the furnishings and belongings they had chosen to take with them. My brother and I went to oversee the placement of everything as it came off the truck. We returned to the house for lunch with Mother and Dad. After lunch, Dad, who still had his driver's license, and Mother, got into their car and drove themselves to their new home. When they went into their new apartment, it was set up, ready for them as they had chosen. We all had dinner together in the dining hall with other residents, where they met their new neighbors. My brother and I, with the help of other family members, were able to take the time after Mother and Dad had moved to empty the house and close out that part of their lives. This was such a gift that our parents gave to my brother and myself. I plan to give such a gift to my children. It's all about feeling in control of one's life. My brother and I are so grateful that our parents were able to maintain that control at a time when they were feeling out of control. I hope other families will be able to feel so good about end-of-life choices.
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Homecare123 May 2021
You’re really lucky!
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This is probably too late, but anyway here are different suggestions, two of which I’ve used, plus a third.

1) Take a lot of photos of your mother’s house, as a permanent record for both of you about how it was when she was there. These days, you could make it a phone video, or you could even hire one of the people who makes videos to go on internet real estate sites. If you don’t take her there, go through the visuals with her soon after she’s gone to AL. I’d really suggest that you do this for your own sake anyway.

2) If you really want to take her, do it after she’s spent at least a week in AL, seen your visuals, and fixed in her mind that it is her ‘old’ house and she doesn’t live there any more.

3) If you suspect that the visit may backfire on you (and her), don’t take her until you have started packing it up. Don’t tidy it up much – cupboard doors open with the contents emptied out, packing cases on the floor in the living room, and of course gaps where you’ve taken furniture for her AL room. Perhaps you do leave a garden chair with a nice view - that’s not enough for her to think she can move back in.

Best wishes and good luck. However you do it, it will be emotional. Yours, Margaret
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When my MIL was hospitalized 12+ years ago the doctor told us she could not live alone her dementia has worsened and she was using her COPD meds to give her the energy to live. She forgot to drink, eat, buy food, throw out spoiled food ect. she was down to 85 lbs from like 150. She always wore large shirts and baggie pants and would "rally" herself for the time when anyone visited no one was there to see the decline until the health event that landed her in the hospital. My husband and and his sister gave her the choice of whos home she would move to. She chose ours. She never went back to the house she lived in keeping the house for a year would have been financially impossible. We sold it almost right away. We also asked her what items she wanted in her new space. Our home is very small and she basically has one room. we moved some of our furniture out of the living space to add hers. She has always seemed very happy and content to be around us and our children. As her dementia has progressed the last few years she has lost most ability to hold conversations she is down to single words and hand motions for what she wants all except her desire about going home. I wonder if the fact she never got the chance to see the house for the last time is the reason. Her dementia we believe is end stage. She also cries out when you startle her. I don't know if its pain or her only defense to show no. As far as feeling bad about taking her to the ER and multiple Drs. If not you who??? If she no longer has the voice to tell you what is wrong you are the one trying to figure it out. If you had children think back to when they were babies they cried and we as moms figured out what they needed, and I hate to say this to a Medical Professional but Doctors only practice medicine they seldom cure anything, you have to keep their feet to the fire to figure out what will work for your mom. Best of luck finding the answers you need.
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