My ILs live a day's drive away. FIL has been mentally declining for nearly a decade.
DH and his mother were in super denial about it until last year when I forced the issue with DH. Despite driving out and visiting his parents to talk about plans, they have not talked much with us about it (or he hasn't told me much at least).
Well, come a year later we visited them. The state of their home is even worse. They mostly live in their basement. The house is freezing cold and reeks of cat p*ss. They keep replacing their car. They recently had their newest one repaired after FIL hit a sign post. MIL is having more and more difficulty with her own mobility. Despite the fact FIL hallucinates, she has him drive as she is in pain.
I don't think they have a plan. DH told me he gave them an end-of-life prep workbook we found them, but I've yet to hear they have actually done anything with it.
So, what can I plan with DH to make sure we can promptly move my FIL to a facility if (more like when) my MIL is seriously injured or dies from the stress of caring for him? She is a mess, but refuses help, because she wants to keep her husband happy. He needs assisted living—not enabling.
When I talked with her a year ago, she seemed to have the delusion DH would move in with FIL when she died.
Well, I just decided that if my husband actually falls for his mom's foolish trap, I'm filing for divorce. I refuse to put myself or our child in a position to be harmed by FIL. He behaves very erratically and has been prone to nasty outbursts.
I also refuse to live with DH as he becomes a shell of a human being care-giving for his senile father. He has always hated the idea of living in his hometown, and I know he'd be miserable if he had to leave his career (and he needs it to support our family). Moving in with his father would force both upon him.
I would rather be a single parent with a full-time job than live through that directly and put my child into the epicenter of it.
So I'm hoping when I talk with DH next week, he will wake up and agree. He is so close to it. He actually apologized for his dad having an outburst and stopped him from trying to bully me a couple days ago.
We need to figure out a real plan versus waiting for MIL to wake up from denial. It sucks as she is a beautiful person in a lot of other ways and it will be terrible that stress will hurt her, but that is the path she is choosing for herself.
But I don't feel we can afford to keep FIL in our care—not even for a week. He will need to go into a facility immediately if MIL is incapacitated or dies. I know that will be sad and hellish for everyone. He's become reclusive and super attached to their pets. We will be stuck cleaning and selling their cluttered stinky home.
Sooo...between now and then, what can we do to protect ourselves? I'm giving up on them keeping us in the loop and trying to respect their wishes (they are unrealistic). I want a backup plan.
He is normally a quiet, gentle, and patient man, but he gets so angry and protective about his parents when it comes to this. I am positive he is actually super terrified. I want to be there to help him, but he has to make that decision to break free from it himself.
But I did force the conversation last year. I came to him with a written list of all the crazy crap I had witnessed...and the crazy crazy we had witnessed together...and then I had him read it before we talked. He could not argue with the list.
So, he went and visited them to talk. After that?
I admit I let it go. I wasn't sure what to do next, I felt it was his and their business, I was hopeful they were being responsible, and I was worried about overstepping my boundaries if I tried to dig.
But after visiting them this round? I feel it was mostly lip service on their end. Yes, his dad sounds better now on the phone (doctor gave him new meds), but I think a chunk of that is just acting. Nothing but a bandaid.
I felt so horrible when we left their house. His mom looked so alone! I am so sad for them and want to help them, but I feel at this point I need to take actions to protect myself and our child.
They can be making their own destructive stupid decisions. They are adults and entitled to do that. If DH doesn't wake up from that BS, that's also his choice. I won't try to force them to change, but I will take care what myself and others who depend on me to keep us safe from the sh*tstorm that will come.
I would talk to him about what the two of you will do if MIL dies or if FIL dies or they become incapacitated. Their denial doesn't obligate you to do anything other than have an agreement between yourselves that they will not live with you and you will not become the caregivers. You don't even have to tell them.
Nobody wants to confront their own mortality and their are people that have weird ideas, like if we make a will I'll die kinda weird thoughts.
I would let them go on their merry way, as long as you and husband are on the same page and in agreement, you are not going to get them to look at the situation. Been there, done that, it didn't work out for ya.
Cross these bridges as needed, it is hard enough without trying to get someone to do something they don't want to.
You are right about ultimatums. No, I'm not at all planning on threatening my husband. That is not love and that is not how a healthy marriage should be.
But I am seriously considering divorce as a contingency plan *for me*. If he continues to stay in la-la-land, I'm not sticking around or letting him coparent like that.
I know it's totally worst-case scenario thinking, but having grown up in an abusive household I refuse to let another mentally ill man into my life to f*ck everything up—let alone ruin my kid's childhood. If DH wishes to live with his dad (like my MIL believes he will), I will need to move on.
This is not something I will ever tell him unless it comes to it. By then, it's not a threat. It's me moving on with my life. I love him so much, but there are things I am not capable of supporting. I would do the same thing if I saw him making other destructive/self-destructive choices.
Unfortunately there is no way to get his parents to agree to anything, at this point you and hubby need to decide what you will do. No one else's opinion matters.
Dear hubby, your mom thinks you will abandon your family if something happens to her and move in with your dad. Can we discuss how we will handle the situation if/when it arises? I would like to know what you see happening. Please never promise either of them that there will be no facilities in the future. We are a team and I am concerned and need to know what your thinking and ideas are on this. That kind of conversation.
Once you establish that you are both on the same page, leave it alone. Get busy living life and deal with things as the arise. So many what ifs never transpire, even though we spends days worrying about and planning for them.
If you are willing you could do research into appropriate living situations, and get FILs name on the list. I researched places for my MIL (without her knowledge because she was adament about staying in her home). Although she died before we needed it, it helped me to know that there was an option.
And if at all possible, have your DH get a durable Power of Attorney for Health AND FInancial decisions.