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The thread that lealonnie posted is a good thread I encourage you to peruse ot.
I posted this in one of my post on that thread:
I am there in the same situation. My wife of 30 years is repeatedly in the hospital or rehab. I have been her caregiver during her illness through many bouts the longest be for now was a year. When she was well our sex life was most enjoyable and sometimes I thought for our age outstanding. I managed to fairly easily weather the various illness caused droughts with no real problems. Now its been 4 years and it is certain there will be no repreve.
As I see it a spouse has three choices. 1. Divorce and throw them to the wolves. 2. Put on a robe and cowl learn abstinence. 3. Find and understand maybe even a knowledgeable and experienced partner and have any arrangement.
For me #1 is repugnant and I refuse to even consider it. Number 2 will cause resentment eventually and most likely reduce the quality of my caregiving. Number 3 means lots of guilt and discomfort and even possible disappointment and shame. But that's on me I will only have myself to blame, Face it for me the guilt will more than likely cause me to feel I need to make sure my caregiving is the best.
To paraphrase Spock: "I have a responsibility to my marriage to my wife. I am what I am, and If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's.
This has been discussed before. You made vows for better or worse. What would your wife do if it was the other way around.
But being realistic, caregiving is stressful. But having an affair while she is still in the home...maybe if she was in LTC and no longer knew you? How are you going to explain ur time away from home?
This is a decision you need to make with a clear conscious. We can't judge.
No, Club, I do not believe that it is. As long as you don't abandon your spouse, I do not believe it is inappropriate to have a relationship with someone else when your spouse has dementia. That said, for what reasons is your son having autism a consideration? You yourself have a life to lead as an adult - separate and distinct from being a parent - and you must have some of your needs met in order to make life worth living. I have never seen the sense in being the sacrificial lamb.
I will tell you that I would be the absolute LAST to judge you on this. I am not big on judgement of others, overall, but then I admit to atheism. So I don't have those "biblical guides". I simply go by what I believe to be moral, in my own mind. There are many who would judge ME for that. If you are a caregiver, then you are giving much of your life over to the person who you have loved, and who you quite honestly have lost. This is for you to decide in your heart of hearts. It is, to my mind, for you to decide what you can live with. For myself, with a wife who has been lost to dementia, and a son who suffers daily with a chronic problem, you "deserve" the relief of someone who cares about, who care care about you back. But that is only me. You will have to decide to make your own decisions for your own life, knowing there are those who will judge you for religious or other reasons, knowing there are those who will sympathize. You cannot live your life by counting those who line up on either side "for" and "against". You are a human being. You have needs, you have limitations, you have an entire life you try to live as morally as you are able. My old Dad used to say "Most poor suckers are just trying to take care of their families and lead a decent life". I believe him. I wish you well. I am actually quite enchanted by your courage to even post the question. I am sorry for the pain that this clearly causes you. I believe you are trying to weigh out how to live an honorable life. Do the best you can. That's all that's required of us. We are not required to complete the task; neither are we exempted from partaking in it (my own lame interpretion of some ancient Jewish teachings.) Best of luck to you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/a-very-sensitive-question-what-does-a-caregiver-do-about-sex-452571.htm
Good luck!
I posted this in one of my post on that thread:
I am there in the same situation. My wife of 30 years is repeatedly in the hospital or rehab. I have been her caregiver during her illness through many bouts the longest be for now was a year. When she was well our sex life was most enjoyable and sometimes I thought for our age outstanding. I managed to fairly easily weather the various illness caused droughts with no real problems. Now its been 4 years and it is certain there will be no repreve.
As I see it a spouse has three choices.
1. Divorce and throw them to the wolves.
2. Put on a robe and cowl learn abstinence.
3. Find and understand maybe even a knowledgeable and experienced partner and have any arrangement.
For me #1 is repugnant and I refuse to even consider it.
Number 2 will cause resentment eventually and most likely reduce the quality of my caregiving.
Number 3 means lots of guilt and discomfort and even possible disappointment and shame. But that's on me I will only have myself to blame, Face it for me the guilt will more than likely cause me to feel I need to make sure my caregiving is the best.
To paraphrase Spock: "I have a responsibility to my marriage to my wife. I am what I am, and If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's.
But being realistic, caregiving is stressful. But having an affair while she is still in the home...maybe if she was in LTC and no longer knew you? How are you going to explain ur time away from home?
This is a decision you need to make with a clear conscious. We can't judge.
If you are a caregiver, then you are giving much of your life over to the person who you have loved, and who you quite honestly have lost.
This is for you to decide in your heart of hearts. It is, to my mind, for you to decide what you can live with. For myself, with a wife who has been lost to dementia, and a son who suffers daily with a chronic problem, you "deserve" the relief of someone who cares about, who care care about you back. But that is only me.
You will have to decide to make your own decisions for your own life, knowing there are those who will judge you for religious or other reasons, knowing there are those who will sympathize. You cannot live your life by counting those who line up on either side "for" and "against". You are a human being. You have needs, you have limitations, you have an entire life you try to live as morally as you are able. My old Dad used to say "Most poor suckers are just trying to take care of their families and lead a decent life". I believe him.
I wish you well. I am actually quite enchanted by your courage to even post the question. I am sorry for the pain that this clearly causes you. I believe you are trying to weigh out how to live an honorable life.
Do the best you can. That's all that's required of us. We are not required to complete the task; neither are we exempted from partaking in it (my own lame interpretion of some ancient Jewish teachings.)
Best of luck to you.