She has moderate memory loss. She doesn't want to go to a facility and I don't think. it is necessary at this time, however her doctor insists that she should be placed somewhere. We have home health care going to her home 3 times a week, a person that lives with her and both my brother and I check on her several times a week. Additionally we have taken steps to ensure that she is safe in her home like unplugging the stove etc. Despite everything that we have done her doctor calls me every day asking me what our plans are and when are we going to place her in a facility. My mother has not been ruled incompetent and I have POA both medically and financially. I don't know what to do anymore. What can be done legally to protect her rights to stay in her home? Before my mother got dementia she told me that she never wanted to be in a nursing home. Why should she be forced to go into a home? She recently spent 6 weeks in a nursing home after falling and breaking her hip and she was miserable. Every day she asked me when was she going to get to go home. I know that my mom probably only has a few years at most left to live, she has congestive heart failure among other things but why can't she be at home to live out her remaining years?
If he doesn't have good reason, then go with your gut if mom is okay for now. BUT do start exploring options and preparing for when she may need more skilled and full time monitoring. Stop promising that she will never go to NH... I tell my mom "don't worry, we will keep you inyour home as long as we can manage, we'll always make sure you are safe". I love you and will help anyway I can".
My mom also doesn't want to ever leave her home, but I don't promise her never putting her in NH...that is a promise I can't predict and can't necessarily keep.
My sisters and I did everything we could to extend the time Mom was able to stay in her subsidized senior living apartment alone. We got meals-on-wheels. We took over her shopping. We made sure she had a housecleaner. Eventually she had a nurse come in twice a week to supervise her pills. As I say, this gave her more time on her own, which is what she thought she wanted. But, as it almost always does with dementia, the time came when she really needed 24-hour supervision. At 94 she is now in a nursing home. To our great surprise, she is thriving. She seems to like the interaction with other adults and the attention she gets from the staff. Who knew?
Please do not promise your mother that she will never go to a nursing home. That ultimately may not be within your control.
If the stove needs to be unplugged, that would be an indication to me that she needs 24 hour a day supervision.
I had the same type talk with my mother as sunflo had -- that she could stay home as long as I was able to take care of her, but one day it may become too much for me. I know that day may come, so I have two facilities chosen that are good. I really do hope that she can remain home until she dies, maybe with the help of hospice. However, I know I am not strong enough (or willing enough) to help her do certain things. A facility would be the only choice. It is good to have a plan in place.
Wouldn't it be better for your Mom to be placed now while she can still learn her way around the facility.... while she can learn who are the Staff.... wile she can learn who her neighbors will be in the building, thus still be able to make new friends.... while she can enjoy any outside entertainment that the facility offers?
Please note, when a person with dementia is asking *to go home*, they usually mean back to their childhood home, not the last home they lived in. Some even use that phase when they feel it is time to depart this earth.
ive been observing nh for a few months now . for someone who likes to live on a schedule it might be alright but my mother was extremely independent and distrustful of authority , and she wanted no part of nh . i dont either . id prefer to die at home by my own hand if necessary , first . had my mom and i been neanderthals we would have had our own clan . freedom means different things to different people . i chose a life of uncertainty and hard labor 25 years ago over a pretty well paying factory machine repair job because i refused to piss in a bottle . at that time my mother was one of the few people who sided with me .
Do you have a very good appreciation for what she can do for herself or what she needs assistance with?
How thorough was the doctor will his memory assessment? Maybe her functioning is not what you think.
Why don't you stay with her around the clock for at least 48 hours. Then you can determine what she is actually doing for herself such as hygiene, sleep, eating, etc. With that information, you might get an assessment that would determine if she needs enough assistance to enter into Assisted Living. They have very comfortable suites or rooms with assistance on site that would provide her protection, medication administration, meals, entertainment, social interaction, physical therapy, etc. She may not be ready for a nursing home. I think that term is used generically a lot. In our area, a nursing home is where very ill and elderly go to lay in bed and get daily nursing care. If you aren't in that condition, you wouldn't go there, but to assisted living.
Ref. the doctor. If he feels that strongly about it, I doubt he's going to let it rest. I suspect he may report his concerns to Adult protective services. I think they are required to do it.
See All Answers