My daughter is getting married this fall. It is a very small, outdoor wedding with only immediate family and close friends invited. My MIL is 81 and lives 7 hr. drive from us. This means my husband would have to go and pick her up and bring her home as she doesn’t fly. The venue for the wedding is 1hour from our house , so if grandma comes, we would have to leave early as she would want to be home by 10-11pm.
my daughter is not particularly close to grandma, and would only invite her to not hurt her dads feelings.
There are no other family members invited to the wedding, so taking care of grandma would be our responsibility.
I would like her to come, but I don’t want her being there to take away from us enjoying and helping at our daughter’s wedding.
She would be insulted if we don’t invite her, but will not enjoy the outdoor, casual wedding my daughter has planned.
is it rude to not invite her? What other arrangements can be made?
Thank you so much for your help.
I don’t understand why parents think they get a say on who a bride and groom invite to their wedding . It’s the bride and grooms day , IMO the bride and groom make the guest list .
My MIL refused to come to our wedding because she wasn’t getting her way of inviting all her friends . Many we didn’t even know . She was inviting more friends than DH and I were. She had worked in various schools so has a lot of work acquaintances . She also told us she told the rest of my DH’s family not to come , which I’m sure was a lie to strong arm us to get her way. She also kicked my DH out of the house.
We canceled the wedding venue. Had something very very small without my in laws there 6 weeks after she kicked DH out of the house . ( which was 3 months before the wedding was supposed to be . 2 weeks after we got married , DH called his parents , told them we cancelled the original wedding and had gotten married already. My MIL’s reaction was that we left her out of her son’s wedding . My DH told her , she had refused to come , so she left herself out of the wedding . Then she had the nerve to ask if we got married sooner because I was pregnant .
We got married sooner to end the drama that MIL was creating .
Is there a reason Grandma can't come a 2 days in advance and stay (somewhere, with someone else) and then go home the next day? Can another relative or family friend transport and tend to her? Why does everything need to happen the day of the wedding? Is she that broke that she can't splurge on herself a little? Or is she at the beginning of dementia and maybe can't handle it? Is cranky? Then just send her a wedding announcement but not an invite -- don't have her attend. If she has all her mind then you can explain the impossible logistics of managing a wedding and also her need for transportation, housing, etc.
You don't say what state the wedding will be in but we went to a relative's outside wedding the first weekend of October in MN and we froze our buns off. I felt sorry for the elders who came. Then afterwards was a barn reception in an unheated outbuilding, with only ice cream sundaes as the food. We were running to our cars and sitting in them to warm up. So, if Gramma does attend, make sure she has a nice comfy seat cushion to sit on and plenty of warm clothes to wear.
My daughter says she is not inviting her grandmother because grandma is not willing to compromise.
I suggested fibbing and saying she eloped, to avoid the guilt trip grandma will give her . The only problem was others in the family would have to be asked to fib along as well .
Daughter has decided to avoid drama and to only invite very immediate family , her parents , her brother and his wife , and close friends and one cousin she is close to . She doesn’t see the need to invite relatives she never sees or hears from . I agree with her. She should enjoy her day with the people close to her.
Her fiancé has a big family and will most likely invite them all to avoid drama and keep his mother happy .
So long as the bride and groom are happy . That’s how it should be .
But you deserve your daughters day to enjoy, absolutely not rude at all
If you think she will refuse this suggestion and it will start an argument with her , don’t invite her at all .
We had a similar issue with my MIL ( mother in law ). My son had a destination wedding . My MIL’s significant other was invited but not coming due to a health issue . MIL was bringing along a friend instead to stay in her hotel room with her as her “ helper “ . My MIL wanted my hubs to drive round trip 8-10 hours depending on traffic to pick her up and her friend to fly with us . Then DH would have had to do the same 8-10 hour round trip drive to bring the two of them back home . DH told her NO she would have to fly from where she is . So MIL said ok . Then the friend dropped out because she could barely walk. MIL said she could not go because she needed her friend to help dress her . MIL had asked her cousin but the cousin said No . It was October 2021. The cousin was afraid of picking up COVID and missing her own daughter’s wedding that was 3-4 weeks later . I offered to help MIL dress or arrange for an aide to be hired to come to the resort. MIL said NO and she ended up dropping out and not going . She did not want to travel without a companion or be alone in a hotel room .
We were so lucky because the friend that was supposed to come with MIL was 5 feet tall and 300 lbs . Both MIL and her friend did not walk well and the wedding was at a very large resort in Las Vegas . A lot of walking . Both refused using walkers . My MIL was refusing to let us rent wheelchairs ( which we would have had to push ) . We didn’t think they could manage getting on and off scooters . It would have been a nightmare . All I kept thinking was I was going to miss my son’s wedding .
To make matters worse my FIL ( father in law ) and his second wife were also coming . The second wife had dementia . They too were refusing to use scooters or wheelchairs . They did use walkers with seats , so at least they could sit and rest along the way but it would have taken forever for them to get anywhere .
I was going to the hair salon to get my hair done the morning of the wedding . I was going to have to take at least my MIL and the step mother in law with me as they insisted on having their hair done as well , maybe the friend too , idk . Then get them back to the room to dress , get myself dressed then get them to the ceremony. In between also get them a bite to eat for breakfast . I feared missing the ceremony because they are so slooooow . This is why I wanted to rent wheelchairs and scooters .
My MIL was coming the day before the wedding and then going home the next day . My FIL and his wife were staying 5-6 days . They decided to make a vacation out of it as did my husband and I. We would have been stuck chaperoning the entire time because they would have gotten lost in the resort . As well as all the restaurants were a far walk from the hotel towers. The wife with dementia would have been miserable . She complained all the time even before she got dementia . I also feared her getting, lost , overwhelmed and getting disoriented . We feared at anytime one of these 4 people falling . AND we were going to be going back and forth to the airport picking up and dropping off at the airport for their flights on different days . Pushing them up into a minivan . Sheez.
FIL and his wife dropped out as well a week before , saying it would be too hard to travel . Then a few days after they said they weren’t coming the wife ended up in the hospital with aspiration pneumonia . That could have easily happened while on the trip . We dodged a bullet .
Buy a webcam and she can watch it on the computer.
I am a little confused about leaving early to "take her home". Your home right? Not driving her home the same day of the wedding? Me, she would need to come a couple days ahead and stay a day or two after. If you are going to try this all in one weekend, I would not do it. It will take all the enjoyment out of the wedding. Explain to her DD is having a very small wedding. Just u, in-laws and their friends. Even though you would love to have her there, you cannot possibly pick her up and take her back. Just won't have the time. You will take lotsbof pictures.
This person has way to many needs and wants to fulfill.
I am assuming that as this is a private wedding with few people there are NO invitations you don't want accepted being sent, and that there should in fact be NO invitations. Just a private asking those few you want attending to attend.
Expect no gifts or checks and send a simple announcement of wedding including the words "in private ceremony on blah blah date". Something to the effect "Darling Daughter and Beloved Son in Law celebrated vows of matrimony in a small private ceremony on June 1st, 2024."
Daughter is not even close to this person. She can explain that to her Dad as in "Dad, I am not close to your Mom and don't wish to have her attend the wedding". End of sentence.
If she does want to, she needs to figure out her logistics that do not include family help for travel or caregiving. I do think the webcam is a great idea.
I hope I will have the grace when I’m older to know when I should step aside for the benefit of the rest of the family. This would be one of those times.
Which leaves very few relatives to invite .
You're the mother-of-the-bride. You have a right to enjoy your daughter's wedding day and take pride in being the mother-of-the-bride too.
Think about this. Grandma will be insulted if she's not invited. Yet she will not make even the slightest concession to make it easier on everyone involved to have her there. She will not concede and fly but rather thinks her son should drive seven hours one way to get her.
She I'm sure would never dream of hiring a caregiver/companion to travel with her, drive her to the wedding, Help with her needs at the wedding so everyone can enjoy themselves and it doesn't become all about her needs, then take her back to the HOTEL she stays at (and pays for), and finally gets her home.
So unless she's willing to do these things, or ask someone to make these kinds of arrangements for her, don't invite her.
The wedding is outdoors in the fall and 'casual' as you say which I assume to mean it's going to be pretty plain and there isn't going to be the luxury of professional catering and venue staff waiting on and accommodating the wedding guests. Good for your daughter. She'll save a fortune in costs and it will be a good time. It will not be a good time for an 81 year old woman who needs to be cared for. Leave her at home.
I'm amazed that more people don't take advantage of that. Vows are sacred between the bride and the groom anyway. They don't need a whole slew of weirdos there to complicate things. Numerous congratulatory parties with various compatible groups can be held later.
More people would take advantage of doing something small , but they bend to relatives who think you are obligated to invite them to weddings .
Years ago I attended a graduation party for a relative of my husband. The neighbor lady was there as her son had graduated too. She told everyone that she brought her mother to the graduation but mom got uncomfortable and demanded to go home before the ceremony started. By the time she got back she missed her son graduating. This left a lasting impression on me. I was never going to allow my father to keep me from important life events just to spare his feelings. I mattered too and I deserved to enjoy these special moments.
But the in laws expected to go . We told them the tickets were limited to parents and siblings only , due to limited amount of seats at the venue .
It is totally your daughter's decision on who gets invited to her wedding; just as it is equally then her responsibility to explain - IF she feels the need to - her reasons why certain people have been excluded from the guest list. In other words, this really has nothing at all to do with you; you are responsible for neither the guest list, nor the explanations on who "made the cut" and why.
I think the days of inviting ***everyone*** in the family to an event like a wedding, including the far-off cousins (that you only see at weddings and funerals) is a thing of the past, actually. When I got married many years ago, that was somewhat the norm, but it doesn't seem to be the case anymore, which is understandable, considering the distances that families now live apart from each other.
If I were in your shoes, I think I would tell my daughter that whatever she decides is ok by you, but IF there are any "issues" with the guest list, you will simply tell whoever is questioning you about it that they need to speak to HER, rather than you. And then let that be the end of it between you and her.
1. What medical conditions does MIL have that " taking care of grandma would be your responsibility"?
2. Is MIL cognizant?
3. Would it be possible that MIL could spend the night either at ((shudder)) your house or a nearby hotel?
Now my comments on my questions:
If MIL has medical conditions that require a caregiver and MMIL wants to come could she hire a caregiver for the day (or 2 if you take in my question #3)?
If MIL is cognizant you can explain to her that if she wishes to come and she needs help SHE MUST hire a caregiver that will care for her for the time she is away from her home.
If MIL is NOT cognizant then DO NOT INVITE HER TO THE WEDDING. Period end of sentence!!!
If it is possible for MIL to spend the night at your house ((again the shudder, cuz I hate to open a can of worms)) Or better yet at a local hotel then your would not have to make the round trip in 1 day and you could spend a more relaxed time at the wedding.
It’s her wedding . If she believes inviting grandma is a bad idea , then she tells your husband that .
My son invited grandparents out of feeling obligated to do it because the grandparents expected it, knowing it was going to cause work for his parents , but at the time he did not realize how bad it would be.
His wedding had been postponed due to Covid a whole year and relocated from our home state ( which would have been easier to handle the elderly ) to another state .
So he also felt like he would have been “ uninviting “ the grandparents . So there was a special circumstance due to that . The wedding being postponed a whole year , was more time that the elders declined in conditions .
My son also gambled that at least some of them would have declined the invitation since the new plan was a destination wedding at a large resort . But they did not decline at first.
If you read my long post below you will read what a horrendous scenario we luckily dodged .
While all these plans were unraveling, my son deeply regretted inviting the grandparents when he saw the stress it was causing his parents . My daughter took notice . She is engaged and is not making a guest list based on obligation .
If you want, make a cost estimate - fares and carer and carer's fares, it would be thousands - tell grandma that daughter was upset but you feel sure that grandma would much prefer to make it her 'gift' to daughter. If grandma says 'no the money should be spent on ME', then spit the dummy at her!
Agree that it is the bride's day and she should have the major decision as to invitations. However...if her parents are footing the bill, they are entitled to some input - to a certain extent. We've seen five of our grandchildren married - four while we were in our 70s, one while in our early 80s. Fortunately, neither of us had any physical or cognitive impairments at the time, and no long distances travel was involved. Not sure how I would have felt though, if we had not been invited to any of the grandchildren's weddings.
In this instance, I think the father, in consultation with his mother, should be given the opportunity to decline an invitation. Decline due to any problem, other than travel, accommodations or cost. The bride-to-be may not feel close to her grandmother, but does grandmother feel the same? Has there been regular contact, i.e., birthday cards/gifts, holiday cards/gifts, graduation cards/gifts, etdc. - if so, grandmother must feel differently and may feel very hurt if not at least given the opportunity to decline.
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So I read this as you are saying if the grandmother wants to come she comes no matter what the travel issues may be. Are you saying that the parents would have to make sure grandma gets there ? Including if grandma is demanding about when she is picked up and dropped off and where she stays?? And what about cost ? Are you saying if she can’t afford it that the parents have to pay ?
If the grandmother insists on her son being the chauffer with a long round trip drive, the bride’s parents should have the option to say , “ I’m sorry but we can not do that . You will need to find other transportation”. The parents of the bride should not be expected to leave the reception early to bring grandma home either . It’s not a quick 10 minute drive and back to the party situation .
I’m sorry but that’s a long drive . 14 hours , round trip twice . That’s a lot to ask . Grandma should board an airplane , or hire a car service .
And I disagree. The best way to avoid arguments over a wedding guest list is to leave it to the bride and groom . It is their day, should be their way , whether the parents are giving money towards it or not . The parents can control how much money they are willing to pay and that’s it . The rest is up to the bride and groom .
I give my children a flat rate . If they go over the amount of money I can give them for a wedding , they come up with the rest .
The parents are entitled to get to enjoy the day without having to spend half the day in the bathroom pulling up grandma’s panties .
The grandparents who need help need to be willing to try to lessen the burden . Arrange transportation for long trips . Hire an aide of needed to care for them .
I learned that the bride and groom should be in total control of the guest list , from having my mother in law ruin my wedding by refusing to come because she could not invite everyone she’s ever met on the planet . She wasn’t even paying . The woman was wanting to turn it into her party , not my and my husbands wedding . She said she would refuse to come if she didn’t get to invite all her friends , thinking we would give in to her demands and threw my husband out of the house . She thought she could strong arm us to give in . Guess what , we got married without her 3 months early to stop the drama and told her after the fact .
I know other couples who gave in and listened to their parents about inviting relatives who everyone knows would get drunk , loud , and inappropriate, resulting in fights . NOPE . Just because they are a relative , they don’t have to be invited .
I vowed never to do this to my children. I’d rather the relatives be mad then my children’s day ruined .
I just want to be there and enjoy THEIR wedding . It’s not my party or the grandparents’ , or the drunk uncle etc , party .
They could share photos of the wedding after the event with the grandmother if they wanted to.
And this is why some people forgo a formal wedding ceremony and decide to elope! 😆
What is it with weddings? They can be wonderful events or disasters!
I hate to see couples dealing with their parents who don’t have harmonious relationships with their exes.
My friend’s mom said to her, “If your father’s wife attends your wedding, then I won’t be coming!”
My friend was wise enough to tell her mom, “Well, sorry that you can’t make it to my wedding, Mom. I am not telling Dad that he cannot bring his wife!”
Her mom would have ruined her day if she had attended. Everyone loves her dad’s wife. She wasn’t viewed as the ‘wicked’ stepmother because she is a lovely woman.
I know a wedding planner who says that it isn’t the brides who cause the most conflict, it’s other family members.