My mother is in her 90s and has moderate to severe dementia. She lives with my younger sister who is able to help her bathe, and sometimes toilet, help her wash her hair, etc. I don’t mind taking my turn, which I have just finished for four months, but when it comes to those personal things, I would just rather not be involved. My mom gets extremely embarrassed and self-conscious even if I help her dress from time to time. It’s getting very hard for her to put on socks or sometimes pull a light sweater, jacket, shirt or pants on, but if I try to help her she insists she can do it herself when clearly she cannot. As far as personally helping her bathe, wash, trim toenails etc. I would rather not do any of those things. My sister doesn’t like it either but she does it anyway. Is there something wrong with me? It’s not a constant thing... my mom has good and bad days, but I just don’t think I could ever be a private duty nurse. God bless them!
There is nothing wrong with you, her hygiene is just not something you're not comfortable with. Can you hire someone who comes in only to bathe her?
Check with her doctor and insurance to see if you can get help. Depending on her income, she may also qualify for financial aid to get care.
You can always turn your head and let her do the wiping. Put the curtain half way during a shower. Your there to monitor but not doing the washing. Get a long handled bath brush. She should be made to do it if she can, bc it keeps them active for as long as possible. So your not being mean by making her wash her arms/privates etc. To the contrary.
You can do a sponge bath with her sitting in a chair. She uses the washcloth, starting at the top to bottom. Maybe a walker as support to stand for privates. So your not doing it and she has dignity. In hospital we wash their back but they do the rest.
in hospital we have wipes that get mircowaved and makes bathing quick. Nice and moisturizing. No spilled water. They dont need to bathe that often, its too drying delicate skin. Good luck.
My 99 year old grandmother was happiest in sweat suits with a shirt and undershirt. She wore Depends all the time. She had problems with socks and shoes (edema) and wore slippers that covered her whole foot - even in winter. Maybe this might help you.
Now.. if you have money to hire someone to do this, ok. Then do that. No problem but, many elderly just do not have the money to hire outside help. They need us. Put them in assisted living... whatever, if they have the money for that. But I am not ashamed to be a butt washer.
The solution I'm planning is to stop feeling guilty and awkward and to arrange for the state/other senior services to come in so that someone who is a professional at it can do it. It will save a lot of discomfort for all concerned.
I just think that people who spent their lifetimes being modest shouldnt' have to put that on their children. Imagine how your mom feels!
Best wishes.
Since when is "not liking" something a reason to not do something that is necessary? We all do many things in life that we don't particularly "like," but we do them anyway - such as taking medication, doing laundry, cleaning house, wearing our seat belts, getting our flu shot, cleaning up after the dog, changing the cat's litter, etc.
It's only fair that you assist your sister with your mother's personal care. You already said that your mother is not capable of doing it herself.
But I disagree with what's fair when assisting the sister.
I have experienced this - maybe in an extreme way which changes my perspective. My sister lives alone. The things she could do for herself, but didn't like, she would assume or request I would do when visiting. Then she started leaving more things for me.
Does NOT sound like that is happening to the OP. But I believe everyone has their own right to decide. One sister dropping a task does not mean another has to pick it up.
I had to clip my dad’s toenails and I simultaneously wanted to cry and throw up. He has hurt himself a couple times and I’ve had to clean it up and bandage him... yeesh. I’m not squeamish particularly but I can’t do this. I’m looking for some home health for the foot care and stuff.
My husband and I have already determined that once he can’t do his basic care (like toileting) we will have to place him in a care facility. I love my dad but I also love my husband and my child - this situation has put huge stress on all those relationships, and I know how much I can take before I crack - my family needs me, too.
Don’t let anyone guilt you.
It’s hard because we are not health care professionals. We learn a lot along the way, don’t we? Most are things that we never really wanted to learn but have to in order to care properly for our parents.
I also think it depends on the relationship that we have with them. I adored my dad. He was a humble man. He was very kind and appreciative. My mom was critical of me. She expected so much. I wanted to help my father. My mom made caregiving miserable for me.
I found it difficult, therefore, to get my 90+ father dressed and undressed and to change his adult diaper when he became terminally ill. I was in my 70's. It just felt wrong to me. Mom, who has dementia, tried to help when she could but was half his size. We tried to manage this at their home, which was totally unsuitable for elder care (steps, bathtub only, no shower...) My brother helped with the diaper changing, clean up and emptying the commode. This lasted for about 4-5 months and then dad decided they should move to assisted living, where he also received hospice care services including help with the personal hygiene. I think having someone other than family do this type of task is more impersonal and less embarrassing for the patient.
This is generally a 'job' people do out of love or is required as an employee.
These are very personal areas and it is understandable that you and/or your mother would feel embarrassed. Not everyone is cut out to be a nurse or an attorney. When one cares for an aging parent, the adult children are often the only people available to do these basic hygiene needs. Doesn't mean anyone is eager or wants to. It is done out of love and respect.
"But for the grace of God go I" - we may all be there one day so treat your mom as you hope you'll be treated if in a similar situation when you are an elder.
I asked a caregiver working at an elder facility how she does it. She said, it's like changing a baby. It wasn't a big deal to her. I do believe it is very different working in the field, handling these needs day after day vs caring for one's parent. It is more personal. Go easy on yourself and profusely thank your sister. Your are lucky she'll do this level of care.
Just remember that the private duty nurses, aides and so forth do this for a living. Though they may cultivate personal relationships with their patients (ours did), they don't have a personal stake in it. They go on to the next patient, or go home, and that's it. It's a luxury (if you will) that family caregivers just don't have.
So no, nothing's wrong with you.
I already knew I wasn't the "nursing" type. I lasted less than an hour, because the PT, who knew I didn't belong, had to move some old dude's arm because he had a new shoulder. The man started crying. I left the building immediately, went outside heaving. When the PT came out, I explained I was getting a bus and never coming back. She smiled and I think she was relieved. Boy, I can remember that like it was yesterday. Some people are cut out for it, and some ain't!
My own designated health advocate is my slightly younger sister who is completely squeamish about anything hands on. She could not even crack open eggs until forced to do so as an adult in a job situation. I have assured her that she need not bathe and wipe me herself, but that she can act as "business manager" (she was a business major in college) to arrange for help as needed.
I, other hand am a younger sister. My sister hasn't been no help or provide anything for our mother. I love my mother even she's not the same. I miss my best mommy I needed her and she's gone. Dementia is a horrible disease. My sister have no idea how I feel about this and her constantly jealous of me for no apparent reasons. Our past mom was a good mother. To my sister, she hates her. All because of our father brainwashed her. She's a daddy's little girl and I'm just a baby girl who can be a smart one and should be the oldest and take on responsiably. My sister is selfish and doesn't care. Please don't do this to your sister, she need you more than you ever know. If you want to be a good sister and daughter will prove that you are there for both of them.
Of course this is a marathon; not a sprint. There are many months ahead.
Nothing wrong with you. Seems totally normal and natural to not want to deal with that sort of thing; cleaning bottoms; washing bodies. I don't either.
If you can afford it, hire out the washing. If you cannot afford it, then I feel for you.
I remember the infants; cleaning bottoms and washing bodies. That wasn't fun, but it had to be done so I did it. I felt the same with my dad. Fortunately we could afford help. But, I did do it myself when the staff was not around.
I focus on the necessity. If it needs to be done and no one else is going to do it, then I'm going to do it. ... then I'm going to have a drink ... or something.
It's dirty work, but you can do it.
In hindsight it was like a very bad dream but at the time I just did it with the mind set it would make her comfortable and improve things and I had to do it so she wouldn't suffer. I don't know if I could do this again as it was rough with the wound in addition to the D. and has me wondering why it had to be so awful.