Follow
Share

Can stressful family situations cause the elderly to become sicker? My siblings in their 50's are constantly calling my 81 year old mom facetime and stressing her out. They have been doing everything in their power to argue with me, I'm the oldest 62 years old and also her only caregiver out of four of us. I took my parents in 6 years ago, my Dad passed away 2 years ago from kidney failure, on top of all the other health issues he had, since then my house has been a war zone, they accused me of not taking care of my Dad, and that I killed him. I'm at my wits end, I have children of my own and grandchildren that I hardly spend anytime with because I'm so exausted everyday, I also work full time. They want no part of taking care of my mom, yet they complain about everything to her, lines have been crossed and i'm no longer speaking to them. But my mom keeps calling them and I'm given the guilt trip for not making amends when my mom and I have been bullied all this time. But she doesn't realize this, or doesn't understand the damage they've done.

You made a similar post back in June 2024. It doesn't seem much has changed.

Did you read the 19 responses you got to that post?

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/does-anyone-whos-a-caregiver-deal-with-sibling-interference-that-make-it-hard-to-care-for-a-lo-487906.htm

Maybe it's time to block people on your Mom's phone?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

No. It’s not abuse. It’s family. Mom stirs the pot. You allow it.

Tell mom since she can’t keep from gossiping you would like her to move out or give up her phone. Her choice.

Oh and if they darken your door they leave with her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to 97yroldmom
Report

Obviously no one is happy in this situation, including neither you nor your mom. Move her to assisted living. That way she can call and gossip and complain as much as she wants to your siblings, but it won't be about you. They can call her and complain as much as they want, but it won't be about you. You can cut ties with them and live in peace. More importantly, you can get the rest you need so you won't be exhausted every day, and you can spend pleasant time with your own children and grandchildren, who should be your priority now, along with your health. Six years of this unhealthy drama is way too much. You've worked hard, you're still working full time! You deserve peace and to spend the time away from your full-time job doing things you enjoy with people who appreciate you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to MG8522
Report

What care does your mom need?
You do not mention any health problems that she has.
OK, I read your profile and thank you very much for putting that info in.
All the things you mention can easily be handled in an AL facility.
Or to give you a break hiring a caregiver to come in a few days a week would give you a much needed break.
Contact Elderwerks, they are located in Palatine IL. 1-855-462-0100 or you can get their resource book on line at Elderwerks.org. they are a non profit corporation and provide all sorts of educational and referral services.
I just did another search and found Senior Advice 1-800-334-9427 According to their site there are 20 Adult Day Programs in your area. Give them a call or check out the website and see if that helps.
If mom does not need hands on care maybe it is time that she move to a Senior housing building or a Continuing Care Community. She can be in Independent Living if she needs no help, move to Assisted if and when she needs a bit of help and if she needs it a move to Memory Care or Skilled Nursing.
There is no reason to put yourself in a war zone as you call it and no reason for any one to bully you.

6 years is a lot of time to put up with this and maybe it is time to step back.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

Have you thought of disconnecting the app
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MACinCT
Report

If these conversations are stressing your mother out, get rid of the device she's using. Say it broke, say something. But get rid of it. Your mother is owed a stress free life in her final years.

Tell your "family" (if you can call it that) exactly what you told us. That they are giving her a lot of anxiety that is stressing her and that she no longer has a device. because it is not in her best interests to talk to them. Tell them you are not up for their drama. Block their phone numbers.

You might add that if they have problems with her care, they are free to make other arrangements. That should shut them up.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Hothouseflower
Report

Your siblings calling your mother to complain about everything is harassment and that's a crime. The way to handle this is to only allow her supervised phone calls or visits (if they ever come in person). That is supervised by you so if the complaining and stressing her out start up, you promptly end the phone call or visit. Also, your siblings will have to abide by a call/Facetime schedule that you create. If you decide that that one call/Facetime on say Sunday mornings at 11:00 for 20 minutes is the call schedule, then that is when they talk to and see their mother.

If you were to deliberately isolate your mother from contact with her other children if she wants to have it, that would be cosidered elder abuse. You can let her have contact with them, only it has to be on your terms because she lives in your house and you take care of her. I'd be willing to bet my last dollar that you also do it for free. It's you who decides what her communication with your siblings is going to look like. You don't have to talk to them at all.

If every one of them including your mother guilt-tripping starts that it is with your blessing in any one of them wants to move her into one of their homes and take over the caregiving. If no one says, pack her stuff I'm coming tomorrow tell them all to shut the hell up, including your mother.

In the meantime, I truly hope your mother has a POA done and a Will which if she has any assets will be favorable to you for taking her and your father in. Also, look at a few Long Yerm Care facilities and get her on waiting lists. Don't even tell her so you can have her placed if you need to.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to BurntCaregiver
Report

Uninstall the app.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to brandee
Report

Also you can block certain numbers on Mom's phone so they can't get through.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to brandee
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter