I’m frantic with fear knowing he isn’t good with telling the truth. Is she really in a home? She called me the day he took her there…Supposably…scare to death and begging me to get on a plane and take her home with me which I would have gladly done I was finding flights and called her back but no answer and there hadn’t been an answer since then. He also sold her car that she had promised to me,now that she’s gone he has all her belongings to do with as he pleases. Is there a way I can stop him? Can I go get her if I ever find out where she is? He may have a poa but I’m not certain
"My mom with dementia is in my brothers care who I don’t get along with. The only way to talk to her is to call his phone then she can call back but he never tells her I called. She just thinks I don’t care anymore. I want to take legal action so I can speak to my elderly mother before she passes. What r my options if any?"
Your profile states "Vesta" is 103 years old.
So your Mother has dementia and at 103 requires a lot of care, probably more than what your brother is able/willing to give her. At 103 she likely has memory issues, so things she tells you may not be accurate. Dementia means she may not be interpreting your brother's actions on her behalf accurately, either. I have 2 Aunts: 100 and 103 years old and I can personally vouch for how much hands-on care they require in their home.
Is your brother the PoA for your Mom? If so, offer to help him rather than fight against his decision-making. If he sold her car it is to pay for the facility care. He will probably be selling other things of hers as well. If she requires Medicaid then if she owns a house it will have a lien on it so that the state can recoup the money for her care after she passes.
There is a lot you don't know about this situation, and I'm sorry that it's causing you so much distress. I guarantee you would not be able to take care of a 103-yr old elder by yourself and with not enough financial resources.
You may want to consider traveling to where they are to show her love and offer support and to see for yourself what is actually going on. Then (and only then) will you be able to decide if this is an abuse/criminal matter and then you can engage the local authorities (like APS, and elder law attorney for her state). Unless your brother is physically abusing her or threatening her, the police are not involved in this type of issue. I wish you all the best as your sort through it all.
Call Adult Protective Services, too, but they'd need to know where she is to do anything.
Sometimes I think it requires 'boots on the ground' to see for yourself what is happening. You were planning to fly out anyway--take time to do that now and talk to your brother and demand to see the papers naming him POA. Just SAYING you are doesn't make it so.
AT 103, you are up against a clock.
While you are planning your visit, do call the local police and give them all the information you have about gma. Possibly a call to APS also--don't know.
She may well be in a facility now and brother is just being a jerk. My YB would routinely ignore calls and texts for literally WEEKS---b/c he just wanted to have total control over mom. Drove me nuts. (Still does, he doesn't answer texts any better than he used to, but at least, since mom has passed, it's not crucial that I talk to him.) Some people are like that--they take POA to mean "I'm in charge of you now" and do it in a very oppressive way.
Good Luck! Did gma have any neighbors she knew who might tell you what they saw going on? I hate to see elders being confined, physically or emotionally and that goes on all the time.
Bless you in this challenging situation!
agree 'boots on the ground' is the answer for a starting point
Also, before even arriving, contact whatever Mother's state's department of aging, to get advice.
Agree with other posters, that if she's really 103, it's inevitable she would be in a home by now. As I have no idea of the financial situation, I can't judge his actions either way, other than he should be communicating the major elements of the situation, such as where she is.
Unless it's an immediate emergency, I'd contact the department of aging first for advice, or at least Adult Protective Services before contacting the police, if at all possible. Starting with the police, when not absolutely necessary, is far more likely to shut down communication, rather than pry it open.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-brother-wont-let-me-speak-to-my-mom-i-m-going-to-need-an-elderly-law-attorney-to-help-im-on-a-fix-476991.htm
Valpar, your brother, even as POA does not owe your mom his life. I assume if she's 103 he is in his 70s?
Have you filed a missing persons report with the police?
I thought I could upload his chat but not sure how
In your response to me you said she had no phone, how did she call you? I guess you have no caller ID? Call your phone provider. Ask if you can get the phone number made to your phone on the day Mom called. They also may be able to tell you where the call originated from.
If you are not sure if he is PoA and he won't show you the document, your recourse is to have an elder law attorney send him a letter asking to provide the proof or else it will be pursued in court and he will be forced by a judge to provide the proof of PoA.
"im sorry I didn’t exactly say that right. What I meant was she has no cell phone to be able to track her. When I spoke to her she had been calling me from her home phone. One of the few people in America who still has a home land line. He listened in on all our calls so he knew how upset she was so lied telling her they were going shopping to get her in the car. So dispicable"
So my suggestion would not work. Your brother needs to realize that POA, if he has it, does not mean he has to physically care for Mom. Why he would not allow you to care for her is weird. If he returns her to her house, thats when you go get her. No hesitation this time.
You may have to get some friends to help u make calls to every NH in Vegas. You do not ask if she is there. You ask for her room#. Then they will say, sorry no one here by that name. Or, they will put u thru or tell you she is not allowed calls.
As said, you call the police again. Tell them not to take brothers wird Mom is OK, they must see her. They also can ask to see a POA allowing him to make decisions for her if she can't. I would call APS too. They maybe able to get brother to say where Mom is.
I do not know how far removed you are from where your Mom, and brother-- who is acting for her-- live, but it does sound as though your brother is now her POA. As you do not communicate with him you may be unaware of all the reasons for placement needs, and all the facts. If this is the case he is now what we call "The Lion at the gate" meaning that you will have to get by him in order to visit, communicate, and have updates with your Mother. And that, really, is the goal, I would think.
I would try as hard as you are able to heal any breach with your bro, and would offer him support and help, beg for updates and visitation for your Mom. The best thing you can give your Mom in this last difficult time in her life is a united progeny dedicated to her comfort and well being. Tell your brother that you are perfectly willing to speak to your Mom monitored or visit in his presence. This will reassure him that your actions, or what you say, won't cause her distress.
I understand you don't like him, and there is likely some water running under the bridge with a difficult past relationship with him, but I would do all you can to get along, as there honestly is no other answer unless you want a guardianship fight which if fought would run at LEAST 10K, and which he would likely win, being the sibling who has lived near your Mom all this long time. Sometimes in those situations judges will take guardianship from both siblings and will appoint a court mandated Fiduciary; they, like us, aren't Solomon and cannot guess at who is "right" in a right-fight.
I sure wish you luck, but the thing I wish most now is for peace for your Mother in this last time for her life. I hope you'll continue to update us on your journey and again, thanks so much for updating us; so few come back to tell us where they are in their journies.