I am a 69-year-old DAV with PTSD & am the sole caregiver to my long estranged 90-year-old mother. We have NEVER gotten along & I'm the only family left. My PTSD makes me not want to be around anyone at all, let alone a mother who didn't even acknowledge my existence for over a quarter century until the MVA in November 2023 fractured her spine & she was put in a nursing home because her own house was uninhabitable (no water, no heat, water ravaged w/ceilings falling down, etc). I live in a motorhome & it's in CA, mom and I are in NY. I built a brand new room for her, completely decked out with a top of the line hospital bed, a fireplace for heat, windows & even sliding glass doors so she could see her own back yard and the fields, deer, turkeys, etc, beyond. I bought her an electric wheel chair. It was thought she was going to die before Christmas but she somehow rallied and, due to finances, I had to get her out of the nursing home where she was not being cared for at all. Long story short. I need to go to CA to get my MH in 6 weeks. I have no way to take this 95% bedridden person with me in my car with 3 cats over 2700 miles (one way). then up 6 steps into the RV & I have no bed for her there. I NEED my alone time. I can't even get anyone to come to evaluate her to see if she could be in assisted living rather than a nursing home; social services is not returning my calls. She has symptoms of dementia/Alzheimer's (discharge papers from nursing home state disorientation & confusion but she CAN hold a conversation - her main issues are with comprehension), she is a manipulative & demanding narcissist which has been the root of our problem since I was a teen. She is able to change her Depends (graduated from diapers a week after getting home), she can dress & undress.. but she refuses to bathe, her skin & scalp are a disaster & I brought her home TO DIE & she's completely turned around & now I am trapped. We still don't have running water or a working bathroom so I cannot hire outside help. I am living in a travel trailer in her driveway where I cook homecooked meals daily for her & myself. I have no freedom, I've gone deeper into debt FOR HER, I even broke my ribs 2 wks ago doing something FOR HER (she gloated) I can't stand being in her company, I hate being trapped here & she refuses to try and help herself. She also has a colostomy but she won't try to change it anymore. I'm lucky she changes her Depends. I am truly at my wits end. I do not take meds for my PTSD because I travel constantly & it's hard to find places to get my meds so I stopped them years ago. If I'm alone, I'm fine but I'm not alone anymore because I have to be here for her & we both have a mutual hatred for each other yet my nursing background (1 year RN in the early 80's) makes me a very good caregiver as far as physical is concerned. My own demons combined with her demands & manipulations are killing me. I DO NOT go to group therapy or anything like that. I avoid humans at all costs because I need to be alone & I'm afraid to leave her alone for more than a half hour anyway. I am lost & I completely hate both our lives right now & I get angry very quickly & I know it confuses her but I can't help it. I do not/will not harm her (or myself) but I don't know how much more I can take. It sounds horrible but I wish dad would come to take her (he passed in 1990). Unfortunately, she'll probably outlive me at this point. I truly feel I'm in hell & I have no idea what to do anymore about her, myself or my RV that I NEED to get and get (4/20). It's been having work done which is why I didn't drive it here: it was in the shop when I got the call. She wants to go (to avoid a nursing home, not because she wants to be with me) but I CANNOT be trapped in my car with her with her urinary incontinence, colostomy and narcissism for 5-6 days and then trapped in my HOME (RV) for God knows how long. And what if she dies half way across the country. Then what?
Or go to ER with some trumped up admission lies, and then say you cannot accept care and guardianship of the state is required. Or don't leave any contact information at all.
You can walk away and call APS to notify them that she is alone and 95% immobile. I don't know if there are consequences for this but, if she is killing you, what difference would it make?
Next time something happens, don't rush in to rescue her. You will be right back where you are now.
She is 90, cannot be in a motorhome, and needs to be placed in an appropriate facility at this time. So that is that- hopefully she can be placed somewhere, then you should drive around again! no need to be stuck around her
You are not responsible for her happiness.
You need to have a boundary for someone who treated/treats you with disrespect and ingratitude.
You need to do what it takes to support your own mental and emotional (and physical) health.
If you are not her PoA, you cannot help someone who is uncooperative. And even if you are her PoA, you can't force help upon her, even if it's in her own best interests.
Report her to APS and then step back and allow the county to acquire guardianship for her. Do not insert yourself or interfere. They will place her in a care facility and take care of her basic needs.
Your Mom probably has dementia (which appears as "narcissism")... there is no cure for it and it gets progressively much worse.
I wish you peace in your heart as you step away to protect yourself.
I totally agree with you that the OP is not responsible for mom’s happiness and OP needs to set boundaries regarding the disrespect. OP should indeed call APS and have them take over mom’s care.