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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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If a parent or someone else is extremely depressed and has tremendous negative behavior, you can try putting the "law" into place - let them know it has to stop at once and will not be tolerated no matter what. If nothing works, medical, or otherwise, and it is impacting your mental and physical health and making life miserable for you, then face the fact that the person cannot and must not be allowed to be close to you. It is time for placement - not with you.
NoTryDoYoda: I know that. I didn't want to make the OP feel badly by using the word, "psychiatrist." Carly2000 - A psychiatrist can give you a low dose rx for an anti anxiety med. Do not feel badly about it. I, myself, used one for sadness after having had to live out of state, caring for my late elderly mother.
Your primary care doctor can prescribe an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medicine. A therapist can help you talk through your feelings as well plus accurately diagnosed your depression and anxiety.
Your mom could possibly use an anti-depressant medicine. Talk with her doctor about it. Even if you are not her medical POA, you can share your concerns and observations with him or her. Negativity is often a symptom of depression.
I too am the only one who seems to see the negative side of my Mom. She is in AL and all the aids and nurses love her! But as soon as I walk on the door she starts with "I want, or I need" this thing or the other. It a a non-stop litany of complaints and negative comments about the staff, management, past relationships, my late father’s faults, lack of visitors, etc.
To keep my sanity I restrict my visits to 1-2 a week and practice the "squirrel" diversion. When she starts in on a issue I don’t want to deal with I distract her with a question or comment on a completely different topic.
Women of her generation were often very subservient to their husbands so she has a habit of mentioning an issue without it being a request for a solution. That’s how she dealt with my father. I try to be understanding about this habit but it drives me crazy! So now I confront her by asking "what do you want me to do about it?" She often backs off or drops the topic.
Sometimes I tell her she needs to ask my brother to fix, repair, etc whatever is bothering her. She usually says "he probably won’t know how to fix it." The man is a master electrician for Pete’s sake and she thinks I can fix it? LOL
I also have a separate ring tone for her so when she calls I can answer or let it go to voice mail depending on my mood.
My cousin says her mom is the same way, as was their mother. Mom has had 4 children, 6 grandchildren, and 8 greats all healthy and prospering yet her glass is always half empty, so sad. I have resolved to be a Pollyanna and have a positive outlook on life no matter what.
Luckily I can call family to complain and laugh about Mom, she is 92 and not about to improve so we have to just deal with it.
Good luck, I hope you find someone you too can talk to to ease the frustration. These forums are a great outlet.
I totally understand all of the stuff that you say about your mom. Yep, much of it is generational. My mom has the same traits and it drove me nuts too.
How are you able to be a ‘Pollyanna’ at all times? Wow! I am impressed. I don’t think I could. But then I am not super fond of Pollyanna. I tend to be more realistic about my feelings. I get it. You’re programming yourself to be a certain way. It’s just not me.
Im prob weird, but when I had this issue with mother, I honestly went 'greyrock'. (Was trained: from years of her abuse) to be dead inside, ...feel nothing. (It pissed her off tho).
The answers here ring true for me. Of all of them, though, is the need for you to recognize that you need to take care of yourself, too, if you are to be effective with your mother. I am Mom's full-time carer, but at my family's insistence I brought in help several hours a day a couple days a week, and it's made all the difference in my health. If the financial resources are there, you'll find it offers you respite, a chance just to run errands without worry, a time to swim, go for a walk, meet up with a friend, or even do some volunteer work. Something that makes you feel good...
I wonder if some of your mom's negativity is born of anxiety. I feel my mom's negativity is a result of her bouts of anxiety, and questioning her own worth, rather than directing negativity at another person.
I'm grateful for this forum; it's a comfort to know that so far, almost anything I've been experiencing caring for Mom is something someone here has known well. All the best.
I really love this forum. I took my mom into my home and experienced a totally different mom. I had seen some of her selfishness, but never expected to be treated like a stranger in my own home. Everyone says my mom is the sweetest person I should be so thankful. I used to be but she can be so hurtful, I had to place her in an Assisted Living place for my own peace of mind. She still says the most hurtful things to me but then says I am the only daughter who is truly there for her. On 3 visits as soon as I gave her a hug she said your hair smells like your dogs with a screwed up face. One time she told me I looked like a tent, I was wearing a dress for a wedding reception. Sooooo hurtful. I try to just let it go but sometimes especially lately it is hard to spend much time with her.
Get help! First, do what you need to take care of yourself. You can't fill another's bucket if yours is empty. Get the counseling, medication, rest, and interactions with others to be healthy in all aspects. Next, make a list of the kinds of care your mom needs and who can provide the care: you, family, friends, folks from your place of worship, paid care... If mom has resources (aka money) use it to "buy" care that helps her and keeps you from burning out. Contact all those resources you listed and make arrangements for mom's care. The goal is for mom's needs (not necessarily wants) to be met and for you to also have your needs met.
My mom was never a negative person. Me either and I still am not. But wow with this Alzheimer's she has apathy , not depression. I have had her try several anti depressants...no help...so took her off of it. She told me in the beginning she was not depressed...that she has apathy which is very common with AD. The other day while we were driving. She said "Look at that sky". I said, "Yes what about it?" She said "It's too blue !" Omg I just burst out laughing while she just sat there beside me looking straight ahead. This disease has turned her into such a negative person. I feel for you since you also suffer with depression. It is very hard on me ..and I am not depressed. Most of The time I just let her say her negative comments about whatever...the trees are too tall..people shouldn't park their cars on the street...who put that brush on the curb... ( city picks up our brush and leaves on the curb). That lady is so fat...the mailman is an asshole because he talks to her about positivity...the list goes on and on. It makes no sense to comment as nothing will get her over her negativity. The only thing that brings her joy she says is me. She thanks me over and over for all that I do for her. But it's hard...She is not The mom I knew.
I have a similar situation in that my mom has personality disorders and I have PTSD/depression/anxiety. The most important thing I've found in a caregiving situation like ours is to hire respite care for an adequate amount of time or have a responsible friend of your mother's sit with her for a few hours, or adult day therapy, so you can take care of yourself.
Eating well, a little exercise (you don't have to go to the gym if that's not your thing, it could just be going for a walk or doing some gardening, etc., just something active) and preferably outside if the weather's nice. Treat yourself to a movie or nice meal out or whatever you enjoy that makes you feel good. Spend some time with friends if possible and it's something you feel comfortable with.
I know it's hard to get the time in to get some respite for yourself, I struggle with finding the time even with home help, but it's worth it. You're a human being that needs care too.
Consider individual and/or group therapy if possible. Cognitive or dialectic behavioral, mindfulness, EMDR, supportive, and problem-solving therapy are typically good with the right therapist (and it may take time to find the right one).
Also, you can find a lot of good information on YouTube about body-based techniques such as "emotional freedom techniques"/EFT, mindfulness, meditation, and emotional literacy, all of which can help you acknowledge and process your emotions. I find this especially helpful for anxiety.
If it's within your means, I've found that having a smartwatch you can use to track your sleep, eating, hydration, heart rate, and stress levels can be very helpful for mental/physical health feedback and even motivation. Some watches will remind you move or meditate at certain times, and some you can set to notify you when your heart rate goes up too high. This can help you find your triggers and, with time, help you figure out when you are likely to be stressed out so you can practice breathing techniques or other calming activities before you enter a stressful situation.
Also, if you don't know how already, learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others, and learn to recognize that this depression and anxiety is a part of your life, but it doesn't define you as a person.
Isn't it amazing how these things can be familial. My brother, my daughter, me, all with anxiety component with a bit of OCD in that when things are in order we are OK, but let there be MESS and we are almost paralyzed by anxiety. Can't see, can't think, can't act, can't hear and put the butter in the drawer and the t shirt in the fridge. Then for a few in our family depression also a problem. I would say there is a difference in the depression that is "situational" and that which is "clinical" and knows no reason, no rhyme. I think the more you fight it the worse it is. Recognize it. Accept it. See it as a real part of who you are, maybe who your Mom is as well. Say it is OK to curl into a fetal ball on the bed, as long as it doesn't last too long. Allow yourself to feel anxious and confused. Try not to think too far ahead but to be more mindful of just what the problem is TODAY and just what you can HANDLE today. My main problem is going too far out and trying to solve it ALL. When I read back in diary I can see what has been accomplished but when I just think of what has yet to be done I am overwhelmed. Do understand you are not alone. I would say there is hardly a soul on the forum involved in caregiving that doesn't have issues periodically if not most of the time. Be gentle with yourself. Try to be gentle with Mom. Tell her you know this is tough, and a lot of loss and worry. And you are worried too. But you love her and together you will be OK. Try to get a break from it. A funny movie. A garden walk. A bird feeder. We ALL feel for you, and we are all where you are one time or another. Take care. Glad you are here.
Oh, I feel for you. My mom did this too. It’s like they have two sides. The ‘private’ side with their caregivers and another side for ‘guests.’ It drove me crazy too because no one else saw this side. The caregiver catches the brunt of it all. No matter how much we try to not let it effect us, if the caregiving is full time, then it is bound to have some sort of impact on us.
Please take necessary breaks when needed. Ask for help when needed as well. We simply cannot do everything and be a ‘super woman.’ Seek care for your own health issues, mental and physical.
My caregiving days are over now. I don’t think the negativity would have ended in my home. She would not have been open to any psych meds that may have been able to help her.
Can you give us a bit more information please to be able to answer your question correctly.
There are wise people on this forum who helped me greatly. Please take note of what they have to say. I wish I had been ready to accept what I was being advised to do. I kept thinking I could do it all. Learn from their experiences. The end decision is yours but it helps to hear opinions from others.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Your mom could possibly use an anti-depressant medicine. Talk with her doctor about it. Even if you are not her medical POA, you can share your concerns and observations with him or her. Negativity is often a symptom of depression.
To keep my sanity I restrict my visits to 1-2 a week and practice the "squirrel" diversion. When she starts in on a issue I don’t want to deal with I distract her with a question or comment on a completely different topic.
Women of her generation were often very subservient to their husbands so she has a habit of mentioning an issue without it being a request for a solution. That’s how she dealt with my father. I try to be understanding about this habit but it drives me crazy! So now I confront her by asking "what do you want me to do about it?" She often backs off or drops the topic.
Sometimes I tell her she needs to ask my brother to fix, repair, etc whatever is bothering her. She usually says "he probably won’t know how to fix it." The man is a master electrician for Pete’s sake and she thinks I can fix it? LOL
I also have a separate ring tone for her so when she calls I can answer or let it go to voice mail depending on my mood.
My cousin says her mom is the same way, as was their mother. Mom has had 4 children, 6 grandchildren, and 8 greats all healthy and prospering yet her glass is always half empty, so sad. I have resolved to be a Pollyanna and have a positive outlook on life no matter what.
Luckily I can call family to complain and laugh about Mom, she is 92 and not about to improve so we have to just deal with it.
Good luck, I hope you find someone you too can talk to to ease the frustration. These forums are a great outlet.
How are you able to be a ‘Pollyanna’ at all times? Wow! I am impressed. I don’t think I could. But then I am not super fond of Pollyanna. I tend to be more realistic about my feelings. I get it. You’re programming yourself to be a certain way. It’s just not me.
I wonder if some of your mom's negativity is born of anxiety. I feel my mom's negativity is a result of her bouts of anxiety, and questioning her own worth, rather than directing negativity at another person.
I'm grateful for this forum; it's a comfort to know that so far, almost anything I've been experiencing caring for Mom is something someone here has known well. All the best.
First, do what you need to take care of yourself. You can't fill another's bucket if yours is empty. Get the counseling, medication, rest, and interactions with others to be healthy in all aspects.
Next, make a list of the kinds of care your mom needs and who can provide the care: you, family, friends, folks from your place of worship, paid care... If mom has resources (aka money) use it to "buy" care that helps her and keeps you from burning out.
Contact all those resources you listed and make arrangements for mom's care. The goal is for mom's needs (not necessarily wants) to be met and for you to also have your needs met.
She said "It's too blue !" Omg I just burst out laughing while she just sat there beside me looking straight ahead. This disease has turned her into such a negative person. I feel for you since you also suffer with depression. It is very hard on me ..and I am not depressed. Most of The time I just let her say her negative comments about whatever...the trees are too tall..people shouldn't park their cars on the street...who put that brush on the curb... ( city picks up our brush and leaves on the curb). That lady is so fat...the mailman is an asshole because he talks to her about positivity...the list goes on and on. It makes no sense to comment as nothing will get her over her negativity. The only thing that brings her joy she says is me. She thanks me over and over for all that I do for her. But it's hard...She is not The mom I knew.
Eating well, a little exercise (you don't have to go to the gym if that's not your thing, it could just be going for a walk or doing some gardening, etc., just something active) and preferably outside if the weather's nice. Treat yourself to a movie or nice meal out or whatever you enjoy that makes you feel good. Spend some time with friends if possible and it's something you feel comfortable with.
I know it's hard to get the time in to get some respite for yourself, I struggle with finding the time even with home help, but it's worth it. You're a human being that needs care too.
Consider individual and/or group therapy if possible. Cognitive or dialectic behavioral, mindfulness, EMDR, supportive, and problem-solving therapy are typically good with the right therapist (and it may take time to find the right one).
Also, you can find a lot of good information on YouTube about body-based techniques such as "emotional freedom techniques"/EFT, mindfulness, meditation, and emotional literacy, all of which can help you acknowledge and process your emotions. I find this especially helpful for anxiety.
If it's within your means, I've found that having a smartwatch you can use to track your sleep, eating, hydration, heart rate, and stress levels can be very helpful for mental/physical health feedback and even motivation. Some watches will remind you move or meditate at certain times, and some you can set to notify you when your heart rate goes up too high. This can help you find your triggers and, with time, help you figure out when you are likely to be stressed out so you can practice breathing techniques or other calming activities before you enter a stressful situation.
Also, if you don't know how already, learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others, and learn to recognize that this depression and anxiety is a part of your life, but it doesn't define you as a person.
I would say there is a difference in the depression that is "situational" and that which is "clinical" and knows no reason, no rhyme.
I think the more you fight it the worse it is. Recognize it. Accept it. See it as a real part of who you are, maybe who your Mom is as well. Say it is OK to curl into a fetal ball on the bed, as long as it doesn't last too long. Allow yourself to feel anxious and confused. Try not to think too far ahead but to be more mindful of just what the problem is TODAY and just what you can HANDLE today. My main problem is going too far out and trying to solve it ALL. When I read back in diary I can see what has been accomplished but when I just think of what has yet to be done I am overwhelmed.
Do understand you are not alone. I would say there is hardly a soul on the forum involved in caregiving that doesn't have issues periodically if not most of the time. Be gentle with yourself. Try to be gentle with Mom. Tell her you know this is tough, and a lot of loss and worry. And you are worried too. But you love her and together you will be OK. Try to get a break from it. A funny movie. A garden walk. A bird feeder. We ALL feel for you, and we are all where you are one time or another. Take care. Glad you are here.
Please take necessary breaks when needed. Ask for help when needed as well. We simply cannot do everything and be a ‘super woman.’ Seek care for your own health issues, mental and physical.
My caregiving days are over now. I don’t think the negativity would have ended in my home. She would not have been open to any psych meds that may have been able to help her.
Can you give us a bit more information please to be able to answer your question correctly.
There are wise people on this forum who helped me greatly. Please take note of what they have to say. I wish I had been ready to accept what I was being advised to do. I kept thinking I could do it all. Learn from their experiences. The end decision is yours but it helps to hear opinions from others.