Living with and caring for my 97 yr old dad and I work p/t. Got calls today from all my 3 sibs saying they are coming to our house for Father’s Day. Great, except I’m expected to “throw a party” for all of them. I asked if they could bring a dish to share and I got “ but we are 2-3 hrs away, that’s too difficult”. Whatever... I’ll suck it up for dad.
My sister just got back from 10 days in Jamaica, talking about her fantastic meals ( we eat bland mushy thing cause dad has no teeth ) her daily massages, seaweed wraps because she is soo stressed. Wanna talk about stressed? My therapy is wine. My dad has fallen 3 times this week while I was at work. My job is laying off all of us, gotta find something else quick. My sister doesn’t work but lectures me on finding another job, and yet complains that I am not home enough to monitor dad. Brought up that if we had to pay someone to do what I do, it would be room and board plus pay. She got nasty with me saying I should be happy with just room and board and “ fine we will put him in a VA home which is a death sentence”. Ugh. I feel soo unappreciated.
my mom used to complain about my dad when they were still living at home. then she fell and broke her hip. was away from dad for few weeks (hosp/rehab)
during that time. my sister and I took turns staying/caring for dad. (had alzheimers)
WOW what an eye opener.
I don't know how my mom did it.
I knew my mom was struggling a little. and I made sure I visited a lot and checked on them.
my mom (even at that point I hadn't grasped the complete problem they were getting ready to crash and burn) She was having her own medical issues(beginning dementia)
but staying with my dad alone for the day. and then spending the night. was super stressful. JUST VISITING DOES NOT give you a complete picture ! and both my parents seemed to know how to cover up and seem totally in control.
so I wouldn't judge you at all! completely understand
reading what you sister tells you makes me angry. :(
Shout and scream all you want here. NO ONE will judge you for it.
I don't supposed you could suddenly be 'bedridden' while they are here? Probably not? But one can dream (I am wicked lol)
Take care of yourself and 'white noise' the others unless they are helping in some way. Which doesn't sound very likely.
We have your back here. Take care of your self and do not be a stranger. Hugs
Call the local restaurant that has food that your Dad likes (and that you can grind up or mush up) and have them deliver it--Village Inn, Wendy's, McDonalds, Pizza Hut, whatever. Buy a cake from the grocery store or an Ice Cream Cake from Dairy Queen. Pizza is fine also. Get paper plates and heavy duty plastic silverware. Put a plastic tablecloth on the table. THAT's IT! DONE! You have a party!
If your Dad has a scheduled time that he lays down after dinner or supper, then follow his normal schedule. Don't make too many changes just because your siblings want to have a party. Take care of Dad and if your siblings stay too long.--Just tell them "I'm tired and Dad is tired and we are going to go lie down for our afternoon nap." and then do so. Or if it is evening and your siblings decide to stay too late, get your Dad & yourself ready for bed at the same time that you always do and tell your sibs "Good Night".
Take care of yourself and your Dad on Father's Day. Let your siblings take care of themselves--they always have and always will--take care of themselves and only themselves. God Bless.
Vent away, you have jerks for family-as so many of us do too.
Feeding these guys is easy though! I make 2 lbs of baked ziti. Simple! All it requires is boiling the ziti and mixing in the cheeses, slap it in the oven.... BOOM! Done
Tell Sibs to grab salad, garlic bread and dessert.
Or you can call them and say, Dad really had his heart set on going out for dinner with all his kids, who knows if he'll have this opportunity again.
And may I say, you produced a very classy vent. Mine are always peppered with colorful language. Yeah, I show my a$$. LOL.....you got this!😉
I am an only child, my daughter is an only child too. My mother is in AL and one of the reasons is she cannot cook anymore due to mobility problems and moderate dementia and my father would rather take a bullet than learn to cook. That’s ONE of the reasons, but no one had better say to me ‘Oh you can cook the Thanksgiving dinner’...blah blah...because my mobility is compromised too. I cannot stand in the kitchen longer than 15-20 minutes on a good day. So I refuse to cook anything more complicated than a simple one dish meal, roast a meal in the oven, warm up leftovers, etc. My daughter helps but I just decided I simply refuse after my dad complained because he wants a table groaning buffet for EVERY meal. The WWII gang of men are impossible in their demands from women.
It’s sad about the cooking because my mom was and I am two terrific cooks but she’s forgotten how and I’m drawing boundaries left and right. My dad is finally succumbing to my limits though and there are good restaurants everywhere!
Tell your siblings that you’re sure dad would enjoy a nice visit from them. Where are they going to get the dinner? Suggest Cracker Barrel or Golden Corral to go. Lots of veggies and meats to choose from. I say “I can’t see that ‘fill in the blank’ happening, I’m not able’.
So sis enjoyed Jamaica? Direct them all to a nice motel near by, Hell offer to make the reservations for them but do not let them take over your house because you’ll be the maid! Tell sis she’ll have to find her own masseuse. Don’t you just love it? The nerve she has? You have some nerve too. Good luck!!
Good Luck with your day!! Happy Father's Day to your Dad - mine died years ago and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your Dad - Please keep venting as needed - I really want to hear how they coped for the 'welcome to my world' afternoon.
Good for you that you are “letting” your siblings fend for themselves on Father’s Day. Continue to take care of yourself.
P.S. Let us know how tomorrow goes when your sibs arrive and you don't have a party all set up for them. {{{HUGS}}}
about locking up and putting up a sign "Gone to Jamaica!" Good luck tomorrow
Maybe you should take notes, your sis sounds like the perfect combo of theatically
selfish and demanding. Sounds like a script for a dysfunctional family drama
Let them come for Father's Day - and let them go out and bring in some "take out" so you can enjoy the day too! Tell them, Your kitchen is closed and if they want to eat, they need to bring enough for everyone.
I’m so PO’d by this I’m almost in tears! No matter how many times I come here & read these posts I know I’ll never truly understand how or why some people treat their “loved ones” the way they do or ignore them like they do. Anyway, this is the place to vent & if anyone judges you poorly for the way you feel then I’d be willing to bet they aren’t a carer.
The suggestion to feed them what your dad eats was fantastic and I would do it. Seriously, I’d have no qualms about doing that. Some folks need to have their eyes opened!!
But that aside, what do y’all think about (strongly) encouraging non- helpful, non-involved, critical sibs or other family members to join this forum? Do you think they would? Do you think they’d get an idea of what it’s like to be a carer? This website has helped me out tremendously and I think I might suggest to my family to join. I’ll have to change my screen name cause they know this one...or maybe not! Maybe my sister ought to read what I’ve written about her & the comments I’ve gotten back!
Well, best of luck...I sure do sympathize w/you!