Our 87-year-old mother voices a litany of ailments when we see her. We fully and compassionately understand what she is going through, and what she is dealing with. However, every day she basically starts from her head and goes down to her toes with everything that is going on. Please tell me this is the norm for most people that you are caregiving for.
This is one of the hardest things about caregiving; it saps your energy, mentally as much as physically.
I (male in my late thirties) was walking outside the mall the other day when two teenagers (I'm guessing about 18) stopped me and said in the nicest voice "I hope you have a really lovely day". It made me realise how different the energy is between people & how much it will effect your own mood. Negative energy will wear you down & becomes normal.
Have you tried that? When your mother starts talking negatively about all her ailments, acknowledge them and then go on to something positive and upbeat to change the subject and mood.
Do something fun with her to make her laugh and get her mind off of herself. It's worth a shot, don't ya think?
Is it difficult/confusing for her to see a doctor?
Does she have transportation there?
Does she have anyone else to talk to during the day, or hobbies or distractions?
Is someone her MPoA?
I'm DPoA for my 94-yr old Mom. She likes to keep busy and part of that energy gets focused on her body/ailments. I always try to empathize/sympathize with her but then we discuss exploring solutions. If she starts saying no to the most basic of solutions then I let her know that she then cannot complain to me about it if she isn't at least willing to try to fix what is fixable.
An example is her osteoarthritis in her back. She doesn't like to continuously take OTC pain meds because "they're bad for your liver". She then insisted on going to PT, where 3 appointments in a newbie therapist gave her too much and she injured herself. Then she insisted on a back brace (and not just any back brace... one she saw on someone in the grocery store). Had to have an appointment with PT for that, bought it and then she realized she couldn't get it on or off by herself and that it was sweaty in the summer, etc etc etc. Now when she starts to complain about her back pain I give her my sympathy and ask if she took her pain meds and if she took enough. Then I change the subject.
So yes... I think it's normal but that doesn't mean we should allow our LOs to wallow in it. I help my Mom count her blessings (of which she has many still at her age) as a way to steer the conversation.
When we hear friends discuss their ills (trot on down to discussions and you will see we do it HERE) we wish them well, tell them we'll say a prayer, ask if they tried this or that, say "oh, I had that, too!:" Or we simply say we are sorry to hear that. And then we get on with our day. We don't feel as tho we are being asked to fix it.
But when a child tells a parent about their woes, the parent feels responsible, and vice versa. WE feel we have to fix it.
My bro in assisted living said it IS the subject. Our ills. And who got picked up by ambulance or hearse that day. The thing most present in life for them now is their multitude of ills; it's what interests them.
I am 81 and my partner 83. Yup! We discuss what's wrong TODAY. We don't expect one another to fix it. But we do want to let one another know. Funny as all that is. Funny-not funny!
This is terrible to bring up here, but there's a comedy bit I heard once by a guy listing his various ailments. They were all made-up but hilarious. I remember he suffered from Parallel Parkinson's Disease, Puff-Knuckle, and Hyper-Lactose Tolerance, among other things.
It's a nice break from the realities of aging.
I think there should be a game show for seniors where the contestants compete against each other by complaining to win prizes. Sort of like an elder version of Jeopardy. Different categories of complaining. Like 'Health and Ailments', 'Politics','Adult Children Who Don't Help', 'I Don't Ask For Very Much', and 'I'm Old And Shouldn't Have To Pay For Anything'.
You should tell your mother that you've already heard all of her health conditions multiple times and are doing everything you can for her and are working with her doctors.
Then tell her that if all she wants to do when you visit is complain, you will stop visiting because you already know all of her health complaints.
Then take a break for a while.
Or like Geaton ask her how does she thinks Mom can solve it. If its going to the doctor and she refuses, then tell her she is going to continue to have the problem. If she doesn't take her meds, goi g to continue having a problem. If its something she can do something about, then u don't want to hear about it. It really depends on the personality of Mom how u handle this. If she only does this once a day, then I would not worry about it.
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