I never expected verbal and emotional abuse while caring for my mother in my home. How do I make her stop?

bf, it is something I deal with a lot. It would shock people to hear some of the belittling remarks that we hear. I don't know if saying bad things to us makes them feel better, but it certainly doesn't make US feel any better. I usually just walk away and discharge the anger in whatever way I can. Sometimes I can do something like get on the group here or pet the rabbit and it helps. Sometimes I have to curse or shoot myself with my (unloaded) finger pistol. For some reason, the silly finger pistol works to help me get rid of my anger.

My mother has been in top form the last few days with her remarks. This morning she said something and I told her that she was being ugly. I walked away to go back in my room to do my taxes. A sad thing is that her meanness has made it hard for me to stay. Life would be manageable if she could quit doing it, but it makes me dislike her so much. She has vascular dementia, which makes it worse.

I imagine that your mother's cancer makes her feel very bad and wiped out. I'm sorry she is taking it out on you. I personally know you're a blessing to her. Do you know her prognosis?

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be very difficult to face that everyday. Unfortunately I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all answer to stop verbal abuse. If there was there would be no verbal abuse anymore.

Have you told your mom how her remarks hurt you? Have you told her that you don't deserve to be treated in that manner? You wrote that you don't want to show that you're hurt. Why? Why not show your mom that you're hurt?

We can't make someone change their behavior. All we can do is change the way we react to that behavior but dealing with it everyday day in and day out has to take a toll on you. Have you considered therapy? Short term, just to learn some tools to help you deal with your mom.

Do you have family support? A sibling? An aunt or uncle? Are you able to get away to rest and recuperate for any length of time?

Have you tried confronting your mom about her behavior? Reminding her that she's living in YOUR house?

Something else I've read here is just walking away. If the person is in the middle of a tirade just calmly walk away, refuse to participate in it.

You mom has cancer. Dad had cancer. My dad's personality turned ugly towards my mother said things that hurt her. Mind you they were divorced for several years, but he went to her house when he got cancer, and wanted her soup, and her caretaking......He wanted control of something....Her.... It was tough, but love triumphed. She took the verbal abuse. All in all, she still loved him..... Back to your issue, I feel personally, that it is a defense mechanism, get angry with the one you love, so when death finally comes, it washes away all ill-will, pain physical and mental, and allows love to come back in and clear the slate. Hopefully - all will be forgiven - and this will give a little peace of mind to you. My dad had liver cancer, but as in most of my personal contacts with people who died of cancer, the cancer did affect the brain, causing personality changes....It is hard...You are there for her. continue, it will not last forever...Is she able to go to adult day care?

Breathe. Listen, and sit back, try not to react. I read an article, and a friend who is a counselor told me the same thing.... It has to correct. Do NOT REACT..JUST LISTEN.

She had a book for me to check out, I have to find the title again, but the firs sentence and the last sentence were the same: JUST LISTEN...... So now when I pick up my kid from school, I just listen, and most of the time it is a silent ride home......until I am spoken to. Hang in there..

Hi , my mum has parkinsons & a bit of dementia & chronic pain ...& severe depression...my mum has been verbally abusing me & emotionally for 6 yrs straight non stop & this last year its ben almost 24/7 with 5 minute intervals unless ofcourse she wants something!!...plus she has serious behavioural problems! Side effects from meds.., recently i have stopped work to help her medically cause there was no other option cause her meds are ? Not right !...anyway i recently stopped work so my support system is gone! The abuse is worse & ugly & evil regardless of their sickness! I dont think its all part of the sickness regardless of all the text books info & docs info on the matter! I have tried everything & recently wished i was dead on a daily basis! My family abandoned mum ... & the only thing that may bring some help to you would bring to bring in ss many respite people as possible ! Which is what i'm doing ! Thats the only thing thats going to give you real help!!!there's safety in numbers ! For you not for her!! Plus you should prepare for registration for as many nursing homes as possible which is what i've done! Ehen you are prepared for every senario and get social workers involved & heaps of respite & drag as many people in the mix that support you
and care for your safety and
health & under the circumstances there wont be
many persons prepared to give up even 1 hr of their good life so you can get a break! Regardless you will never be the same! Nock on every door ! Ring everybody ...family & government bodies to get real physical help & advise!! Once you do that you will know what to do! Cause your health like mine will get worse! And no thats not part of the package of helping someone! I recently started telling mum she needs day respite ! & community day
outings & what she does to me is unacceptable cause mothers do not verbally & emotionally abuse their daughters & ruin their daughters life! And say evil things to their daughter!
One other thing that works besides the many home respite ladies that now walk through home is ..
And you better believe it works is "leaving" , leave the house!! When mum is at her worst ! I used to think she needed me & had to stay with her! Not true!
You've gotta leave the house CAuse whatever happens .It would be inevitable !
Its gonna happen with or without you!
So leave the house now & save yourself

Husband had Stroke causes dementia. He can be mean as well. I learned to detach from realizing the stroke killed my husband. Meaning the man I married is gone. I live with a stranger & I am mad at the stroke. So anger at him first caused arguments. I don't love him anymore but I will take care of him. Having lost the love you can easily detach from their mean episodes. I don't love him but I still care. So walk away and detach or your own health with decline

This may sound extremely unhelpful, but years ago when I was trying to stem the flow of my mother's constant criticism (I would walk in the door and immediately she would berate me for my wardrobe choices, my hair, etc.), I began saying "I love you, too!" whenever her comments were cutting. It was hard at first, because that's not how I felt! It worked, though. It stopped her in her tracks, and eventually it became something we laughed about together... worth a try?

What I would do in your situation (since I don't take no crap from no one) is just a reminder that you have no legal obligation to her and that you really don't have to do this. You can remind her that she can just as easily go into a home or find some other arrangements. You don't have to take the abuse. She is an adult and if she doesn't like it, she can find other arrangements, and this is exactly what I would tell her if I was in your shoes. After all, you've made a life for yourself and you pay to stay in your home, and because it's your home, it's your rules. She should've considered this before agreeing to live there. Anytime you live under someone else's roof, you also live under their rules. You might remind her of this. If you don't have any rules, you really should do some serious soul-searching and set some rules and enforce them. Perhaps having a meeting with your family and gaining support would be the first step if they don't know or even realize what's going on depending on your living arrangements. If you have other family members living there with you, it's probably time to arrange a family meeting and set her down to listen to what everyone has to say (including you). If she tries to argue, you're probably going to have to override her and cut her off verbally and make her listen to what you have to say as well as what everyone else has to say. Now is the time to have a family meeting and have a very serious talk with her as a group.
If you can get everyone on the same page ahead of time, that's going to be the first step. When you're sure everyone's on the same page and supporting you, that's when you want to arrange the meeting. What what happens to write down every rule that your family has agreed on. What you need to decide before the meeting is what kind of consequences there will be if any of the rules are broken. Taking proper steps to gain respect is key to running a happy household

Is there any way that your mom can afford some paid help to come in and do some of the work so you can have respite? Sometimes people are not so nasty to strangers as to family.
Speak to her DOC, is she in constant pain? Depressed? Could Medication help to give her some relief?
Good Luck , you are a trooper!

My Mom lived with me for about 8 months after we sold her family home. We were in the process of moving my Mom close to me instead of an hour away. All of her belongings went into storage with the exception of her bedroom furniture and most of her clothes. It was very difficult for her to give up her independence and difficult for my family as I had 2 young boys and my husband. My Mom is very clingy and she wanted to go with me every time I left the house even if it was just to run to the corner gas station. Fortunately for me my Mom is still very independent and we were able to find her a new house that she picked out and was able to afford the monthly payments on.
My point in all of this is that my Mom was suffering from disassociation and it turned into depression. I pulled her from an environment that she was used to for 40 years into my situation. She would call my brother and tell him things that weren't true partly because it got her the attention of another person and partly because my Mom's memory is and has always been a little fuzzy. The only familiar things my Mom had with her during this time was just her bedroom items and some clothes. It took my brother's observation to see this and he was my support system when the rest of my siblings had turned against me claiming I was robbing my Mother blind. Unfortunately my brother passed away last year.
I would try to do things with my Mom and still do this once or twice a week I spend time with her. It is just her and me. Sometimes my younger son will join us but he is in his teens and he spends less and less time with us. If you have family photos as I do, my Mom has boxes of them that are unmarked or the markings are faded. I sit and go through some of the photos with her to have her tell me who is who in the pictures. It really helps her as she loves reminiscing.
Some of the names and faces have faded from my Mom's memory but she still loves to go through the photos. She has also started writing down her memories from when she was a child through her adult years. Things like who she worked for and when to when she graduated from high school. My Mom never graduated as she had become pregnant and married my Dad. After my Dad died (they were married 54 years) she decided she wanted to get her GED. She was the oldest member of the class and graduated with top honors at the age of 82 and she had also remarried. My Mom is now 91 and her second husband passed away several years after they married. Both my Dad and my step Dad passed away from cancer in the family home. Another reason I wanted my Mom to move from the house as she was very depressed and missing both men in her life. When people suffer from depression and are removed from familiar surroundings such as their home and moved into your home it makes them angry. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how it would effect you if your child did this to you. It is very hard to give up your independence and to also have all your stuff taken away from you.
You also need to talk about it, as I did that with my Mom just 2 months into her living with me. It gave her a chance to voice how she was feeling and for me to tell her that I understood. She stopped being so bitter and was more open to enjoying her time with me and my family. It didn't get easier with her living with us at that time as it is still a hard transition for both you and her.
I was lucky as my Mom was able to move into her own home again. Another thing that I think is really important too is that Mom goes to the Senior Center every day. She eats lunch there and several of them play cards. They also take day trips about once a month. I have actually been on one of the trips with her. They have fun on the bus plus they get away from their normal activities. My Mom loves being around others her age and it gives her someone else to talk to and she is no longer angry. You should check into Senior activities in your area. Some will take patients with mild dementia. I know you said your Mom has cancer but if she is able to spend some time with others her age may help her.
Sorry I didn't mean for this to be so long. Just wanted to share my experiences with my Mom. I take my Mom shopping every Saturday. Sometimes she will buy something new sometimes not. We go and get our nails done or get pedicures or body massages once a month. She loves to get her hair done once a week. Be creative with her and it will help.
My brother's wife, she is my best friend, her Mother came to live with them about a year before my brother died. She was 98. My sister in-law and her Mom go out to eat once or twice a week. They go to church, get their nails done or pedicures about once a month or so. Her Mom will be 100 this year but if it weren't for her Mom my sister in-law would have had a harder time getting over the sudden death of my brother. He had a stroke and passed away a week later.
My sister in-law still works a full time job. She comes home for lunch every day. She also has 2 "Visiting Angels" care givers come to her home. One comes every morning and the other every afternoon. They help with her Mom's daily activities and they keep her company. They watch TV together or read books, especially the bible as her mother was a preacher. My sister in-law also is a member of the church choirs so she can enjoy some time on her own. Her one brother is able to visit on weekends once a month which gives her a chance for some down time too. Getting family and friends involved helps too. My sister in-law has a neighbor who will visit with her Mom several times a week in the afternoons. As the saying goes "it takes a village to raise a child" why not have the village help with your aging parents too.
One more thing, my Mom loves to hold a party at her house every year for family, friends and neighbors. My Mom's neighbors love it as it gets them a chance to know each other and they also watch out for my Mom too. It also gives my Mom something fun to look forward to since she no longer takes vacations. She loves to sit on her back deck or front porch in the summer with her dog. Pets are an important part of your parents lives too. If you don't have a dog or cat you should consider getting one. It is amazing what a pet can do for any family member not alone an elderly one.

It's hard not to take negative behavior like that personally. But probably it isn't about you. Please have her evaluated by her doctor for possible medication to balance the behavior. Blessings to you all.

Have you had her evaluated by her physician/psychiatrist recently? What does the doctor say?

This is so hard, I know! May I assume that this was not her normal pre-dementia behavior? She may no longer be able to control herself, not matter how much she loved you pre-dementia. It may also be that she has something physically wrong (i.e., UTI) that is provoking the outbursts. Each patient is so very different, as are family dynamics. I cannot offer specific advice other than to remember this is not the same person who raised you, and you cannot control her or the progression of the disease. You can only control your reaction to them. I'm still learning how to do that for myself, but remembering how important it is for me to take a break as a caregiver (without guilt!) was a first step.

My mother was recently admitted to a memory care facility, as it was no longer safe to have her at home. The improvement in her mood and health has been truly amazing! She is active, social, and although her memory is not better, she is, for the most part, enjoying her life more than being stuck at home alone with my father.

If it was dementia, I would say there is no logical answer as the brain is not logical with dementia. But with cancer, I would tell her that the abuse must stop or you will be finding a nursing home for her to live in. Then of course you must follow through if it doesn't stop. You could also try sending her somewhere for respite care and tell her that is what you will do permanently if she doesn't stop. Best of luck with this horrible treatment.

Try pain medication! She may be in pain that is generalized or mild, and hard to recognize. She may not report pain, but may feel achy and cranky all the time. Ask the doctor to up her pain medication. If she is dying, put her on anything, even Oxycontin, to give her relief.

I endorse the suggestion of saying, "I love you, too!" Conversations about feelings may or may not help, but giving her something really different to respond to will certainly get a different response. I call my husband a "poopy-head" on a daily basis. He laughs, and things get better. I get to call him a nasty angry name without him realizing it. At the moment, I really think he is a s***-head, and get to say it in code.

Could you try "It sounds like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." I would want to knock her off balance, and if possible, make her laugh. That's a different task from detaching. If you can make yourself the parent of a tied, sick toddler, and not the abused child of an unloving parent, you will have and feel more power. I hope. Best wishes to you.

I'm not familiar with that type of cancer, though I know it is very serious, Does she have a prognosis?

Since you may be dealing with the fear of limited time, I think I might enlist the services of a counselor. A person that you both could talk to and share with. I would explain upfront to the counselor that you want to share with your mom how her abuse will not be tolerated and that you realize she needs a safe place to vent. Provide her with those outlets so she doesn't have to take it out on you.

I might also explore with mom's doctor to see if her brain could be effected due to the cancer. Have they checked? If it's within her control, I would set some boundaries with love and kindness, but stay firm. Verbal abuse is never okay, even when the abuser is sick. (Unless they have brain damage and have no control over their behavior. That's different.)

Here's my answer. Mom, you and I are both angry at the cancer. Let's both have a yelling session "I hate cancer" "I hate that it is killing me(my mom) slowly"
Criticizing me is too easy. We both hate our lives. What can we do to make life more pleasant? Ice cream? A game of cards? Visitors? If not, I am doing for a walk." Catch your breath. Wait for her reply. If it is nasty, leave and go for that walk.

Huh. I GREW UP with verbal, emotional, and often physical abuse. I was treated like garbage all my life. Now, in the last 10 years or so, my mom and I sort of became friendly, and it was pretty bearable. Then she got Lewy Body dementia and went downhill, and GUESS who was the ONLY one around to help out? The funny thing is, she is very pleasant and docile now, the staff and residents at the nursing home think she is just the most adorable little thing! and how lucky I must have been growing up with such a darling mother, LOL! .... I know this doesn't help you, and I am sorry for you (and your mother, too). All I can say is, talk to her doctor about medications, and hospice down the line (is she stable healthwise or not?) Does she have a pastor or priest she can talk to? (some bitter old people get scared when the end is nearing and want to make a clean slate, or confession, to a religious figure. They are relieved that they are now 'good to go' and become much more relaxed and agreeable.) I wish you luck, I know how it feels.

So sorry you are dealing with this. You say you want a pat answer to deal with this. Since she doesnt have dementia why not try the oldie " talk to the hand" because i refuse to listen to that type of speech. Bitterness and anger are the choices she has made to deal with her illness but you can make he well aware you will have no part. Also try to defuse with humor. She may respond but even if she doesnt humor will help u. Too all of you dealing with this i wish u the best, i know its so hard to care for someone when they are mean to you.

The I love you too is worth a try since you wanted something to say back. It reminded me of something I read about anxiety. The article said that the brain processed anxiety almost the same as excitement. You get almost the same physical reactions to the two emotions. So the idea was when you felt extreme anxiety to say out loud "I'm excited, I'm excited." It works. I think it kind of distracts the brain and helps the body use up the chemicals surging in the body. ( I use it when my husband turns into a race car driver). So you might try something similar. Not to hurt your mom but to stop your pain of seeing her behave the way she does. I tried to think of something that would distract her from her thought pattern at the time of her tirade. Blowing a loud whistle might startle her and make her stop. That's done to train dogs not to bark incessantly. If you yell at the dog you are just joining in with them. I suppose you could wear it around your neck. After awhile all you might have to do is touch the whistle. Now I'm not comparing your mom to a dog. I'm just wondering if a big noise would deter her. Cymbals clanging sort of thing. Or anything that would shift her thoughts and the energy. Turning on the radio. Start singing. You bark like a dog. Keep a list. Distract yourself by conducting your experiment. I didn't live with my mom. She didn't have dementia. But she could push all the buttons. At my worst I told her to get herself out of the kitchen ( where I was trying to cook) or I would leave. It worked. If she saw she was annoying me she would go back to her sitting room. I can't even imagine blowing a whistle at my mom ( she would think I was nuts) but I could leave and you can't. But she can. The hurt and anger you are both feeling is so toxic. I hope there are moments of tenderness mixed in. A big hug to both of you.

People who are sick take it out on love ones but....I don't think we need to take it. On the fence in threatening a home. Not that under stress I wouldn't say it. Maybe saying you understand her ssickness sucks but taking it out on you doesn't help. That u do what you do because u love her but the abuse has to stop. If it doesn't you may have to make other arrangements.

I have been through this a lot in the last 6 years. She actually got better towards me after the first 2 1/2 years. I feed her and give her quite a few vitamins. But since she is hard of hearing and won't use her hearing aids, I just don't try and talk much to her as not being able to hear is what made her combative. She is 96. She seems to be fine except her knees hurt.

Perhaps it's a medication that she is taking. Actually oxycontin made an employee of mine crazy. She became abusive in the workplace and it was necessary to terminate her employment.

As LorrieB suggested, i too, tried using the 'i love you, too' phrase to one-up a negative barb. i lost my Dad and older sister to cancer, and another underwent multiple surgeries due to cancerous melanoma moles/whole body lesions - next month is her 6=mo post surgical ck-up. Dad and my sister didn't live long enough enter the anger stage - they went from fear, to medical remedies, to fatality. As caregiver for my Mom, her anger grew in direct proportion to her loss of independence, and growing reliance on me. Her very basic physical choices [even going to the bathroom or walking across the room] were no longer choices - and soon, not even an option. Her belitting remarks and verbal abuse is a defensive tactic to push someone away. i doubt she wants to hurt you, except to push you away - or to lock herself out. She may be feeling unworthy of your attention and realizing how much you're sacrificing -- and trying to make you _not_ help her well, i can't explain that. Misery doesn't always love company. Sometimes Misery says "Leave Me Alone." Reality says, "But i Need You. My body's betrayed me and i don't have the choice to _not_ need you."

Could your Mom may be getting bitter and angry at the disease, at the prolonged time it's taking - realizing there may not be a reversal in her condition - that it may get worse? At some level of her awareness, she may be feeling - physically, emotionally or spiritually, that her independence and total/absolute reliance on you for everything, is not temporary -- but a permanent situation. That reality is absolutely scary, to the core of one's being. She's blessed to have you -- she's not going through this alone. Sadly, it also makes you the one that gets hit with the 'flings and arrows of outrageous misfortune' that she has no other way to "get it out". She can't express it. Fear is very hard to face, and yes, it makes us angry on many levels: sometimes even causing us to hide from time [prolonged sleep, lethargy, etc.]. Anger, abuse and negative barbs/emotions can come hurling out as the only way that she subconsciously is dealing with her cancer. Cancer patients [or anyone with longterm debilitating disability] usually end up with sleep disorders, fibromyalgia [very real, debilitating whole-body pain] and anxiety. Her doctor can prescribe pain and anxiety or mood stabilizer meds. Call the doc. You - and your mom - need her to be on them. Could there also be a vitamin/mineral deficiency? She doesn't need to go through the controllable ride-along diseases that are obviously causing her even greater discomfort, and manifesting themselves in anger.

The situation needs to change: i pray things soon turn around - at least to the level of polite meaningful please-and-thank you's.

If she likes flowers - can you put a small bunch in a pickle jar in her room? Refreshen them when you grocery shop: some small bouquets are about $5 - small price to cheer up a room or gloomy day.

Can you introduce leisure time hobbies/activities, such as music/singing, movies, jigsaw puzzles [even the 100-pc ones], card or dice games? Can she help you with chores - even folding laundry? She might appreciate 'contributing' to the load of chores. The 'leisurely time' would give you the chance for one-on-one chit-chat, and perhaps she'll soon let down her angry guard and open up to you about her fears. Be prepared for the leisure time to be the window to deeper conversations. She may need to discuss "unfinished business" that is really necessary to tackle. You may even need a letter from her doc to present to the bank, to the effect that she isn't able to handle her financial affairs - the doc will do those if you have POA. i paid way too much of mom's med expenses last yr that i will now not be able to get reimbursed: but i could't leave her home alone. That way you can still pay her bills from her accounts, manage her affairs, while you still have time/access to do it.

Also, you can honestly say, "Mom, i love you too." Just add on: "i really am sorry you are going through this, but i'm here for you." That might take the fire & dagger out the bombastic atmosphere. Perhaps she'll realize that you still see her as a person / your mom -- sorry if that sounds odd, but the disabled/affirmed live as patients - not as people - with unfulfilled dreams, or even quash the wish to go for walk, do gardening, or go for a car ride. Along the way, while being your mom, she taught or demonstrated to you compassion and kindness. Or if she lacked it, you learned it by seeing the darkness, longed for it, and wanted light/positivity to shine. Otherwise, you'd not be the compassionate, caring woman you are today.

Can you please isolate 1 hour a day to YOU? Do whatever you want to do during that hour. Keep it the same time each day if possible - for YOU. If you choose 10-11am - don't put it off for later: take it then. Otherwise it soon becomes easy to forfeit. i found 7-8p ideal. Mom had her dinner and meds, [and i was exhausted - sometimes, falling asleep so i learned to set the timer], not yet ready for the next round of meds or hygiend/cleaning, and she understood, because she took "me time" her entire adult life, to sew, craft, read, pray, write, whatever she wished to do: without interruption from her 5 kids. It can even be a time when her favorite TV show is on. Please, bf, Don't let yourself burn out, or you'll not be there for yourself, nor for your mom, nor for anyone else. Lethargy and other undesirable traits have a horrific way of sneaking into our days - like undisciplined thinking. http://play.simpletruths.com/movie/oil-for-your-lamp/ , Blessings ~ and there are so very many good suggestions, print the replies out so that you can read them in your quiet time for emotional fortitude, knowing you have the support of so very many spoken and unspoken supporters behind you. You're not alone ~ let us know please, how things are going ~ i pray that the myriad of unpleasant hurtful memories turn around quickly to pleasant days and treasured memories that make you both smile and laugh. God bless you and guide you. crickett33

Then tell her you will no longer take her abuse, and if she cannot or will not stop, other living arrangements can be made for her. Stop ALLOWING her to make you ill. No mother has a "right" to abuse a child.

Had the same thing with my uncle. Doctor put him on Prozac and he is once again the sweet man I use to know.

I just put all my stuff in storage (except for my bed and a few things for a couple of days) and basically am "existing" in the house. I can't afford to move out because I also am on social security, and I flat said, look , knock it off. I am NOT your ex wife who chose to let you lash out at her for 38 years. I told him, you want to act that way, I will be calling APS and let them come here and they will be putting ME in a home and YOU can fend them off your self. (which we all know what will really happen when that happens but............) The thing is, he barely knew I moved my stuff out. It DID give me "head space" and I "think of it" as more of a "job" even though he is really my SO. It's coming down to it anyway. won't be too much longer before something is going to give. But honestly, the 'act of" moving out was quite empowering. Previously, I stuck around too long in relationships I had no business being in, and it felt really good to get my physical belongings out of the house, even though i realize that because of his mental status, "some of" this is beyond his control. People DO have their defaults, however, and sad to say, some are just plain jerks, for whatever reason. In his better moments, he apologizes, which is more than I ever got from my ex. Currently, he still is refusing out of home placement and our insurance situation doesn't allow it anyway. Former case manager here, I know the ropes, I checked, we are stuck. at least he isn't smoking. if he strokes out, he will qualify for a SNF. sad sad sad. He is depressed and refuses antidepressants, and even though I have DPOA his doctor basically blows us both off. I made an appointment with a better doc, and he wouldn't go. Lead a horse to water, can't make them drink. I can just document. that's all. And cry a lot. And pay my storage. And house hunt. Sometimes future tripping is not a bad thing.