My husband and I are retired and have temporarily left our home over-seas to aid my elderly parents. My mother has Alzheimer's and my father is living with her and needs lots of help. I gladly gave up everything to go to my husband's country to be with his dying mother, but he complains non stop about being her with me, while I help my parents. He has even given me an ultimatum - him or my parents. We have been married for 37 years and have had a mostly wonderful marriage. Does anyone have any advice on how to make my husband understand the joy I receive in being with my parents and being able to be there for them?
Were you a lot younger when his mother was ill, and he was still working, perhaps, and not faced with the daily reality of it?
What has he had to leave behind? (And where is his home country, if you don't mind my asking?)
Is he afraid of this temporary relocation becoming permanent, perhaps? Possibly he hasn't even voice that to himself, but one wonders.
It's quite a complex situation you have to handle anyway. If your parents are still in their own home and would like to remain so 'til the end of their days, you'll need to set up a good support network for them (I'm sure you know better than to attempt it single-handed?!). If they're in a supported living environment, and you hope they will be there for many years to come, you would need your own home, occupation, social circle and support network. There are so many ifs and buts.
I expect your husband is feeling aggrieved that his retirement plans have been up-ended to an extent, and gloomy about how long it might be before he can resurrect them. How serious and specific was the ultimatum? Did it bear any relation to a reasonable plan?
I agree with Hedgie that you can't make him understand; only I think my reasons for thinking that are perhaps more cynical than hers. I believe you can't make him understand because I suspect he doesn't want to: it's not that he doesn't understand; it's that he doesn't agree. You already know he "gets" the looking after mother thing, because he agreed to that in his own mother's case. He surely can't pretend it's ok just to leave your father to it? Only now his priorities have changed: he wants his retirement, with you in it, to come first.
I think there's a lot of discussion ahead. Stick to your guns, but see what's worrying him and see how far you can accommodate his worries without letting down your parents. Good luck x
It is commendable and sensitive how everyone here has tip-toed around the question of the country involved, to be culturally correct. But I also have a cynical suspicion that has something to do with it. So, would you kindly let us in on or where your overseas home is located and is that your husband's home country (I'm guessing yes, because that's where his mom was)?
And someone asked a great question about if you have children and, if so, where they are located. This maybe one of those awful situation for you have to choose between your immediate family and your parents.
Under the stated circumstances so far, they may not be able to ride out the remainder of their lives in their own home. It sounds like it could benefit you to look into what's called a tiered care facility. Perhaps they can be moved in together to an assisted living facility where he can have help taking care of her. When she reaches a point of more care needed, she can be moved to a different level, but they'll still be virtually in the same location so he can continue to see her.
The percentages I've read about varied between 30 and 85, so who knows for sure, but you should prepare yourself that a good lead number of caregivers guy before the care receiver. It just happened with in my circle of friends. A 65 yr old seemingly healthy man taking care of his just turned 100 yr old dad, just dropped dead the Sunday before Christmas. They lived in a small County, not busy with deaths, and a immediately performed autopsy showed that pressure head blown out his heart, literally. The reality is, if you expect your father how to survive your mother, you need to get him in a situation where he's no longer care taking her or their home. I'm so sorry that this probably sounds like gloom and doom, but the stakes are high and the sooner the better.
Your ability to do this is going to be based largely on financial considerations. If there is money to pay for this, you can set them up and fly in periodically to check on them. In this day of texting, emails and on-line video conferencing, you have no need to feel a world away.
Plus, by "understand what you're feeling" you really mean "agree with what I'm doing." And vice versa. Never mind what's "fair" from the outside -- either party can tell their story in a way that would make outsiders think differently! -- there's two people feeling unheard, not getting what they need or believe they need. TWO. Not just you.
Nobody feels heard when nobody's listening, so someone has to start the listening. It doesn't have to be you who goes FIRST, but somebody does.
The way you phrase your question demonstrates that you're trying to get him to change, which is the opposite of listening. And whether you mean it this way or not, it's not a big stretch for anyone who is feeling unheard or frustrated to think that your phrase about JOY means, "I feel more joy with them than I feel with you."
To shift things, one of you has to stop trying to defend your position and change the other one's feelings, and instead get truly curious about what the other one is feeling and why. It doesn't matter which one of you starts this, but it might as well be you. If you stopped being sure you were right and started being curious about what's going on with him, you might find out some things that actually make sense to you, or that you could be compassionate about. It might totally surprise you. It might require only the tiniest shift for you both to be happy, or happier, or happy enough -- not to abandon your whole plan. No-one can know in advance. Find out. (This is what counselors try to arrange for. Get help, but you'll get where you need to go faster if you understand that this is what it's about.)
In your place, my focus would be to figure out whether it's a case of WON'T or CAN'T. Just because you were able to make sacrifices for him, doesn't mean he is capable of doing the same for you in these circumstances. After 37 years together, this is something you should be able to assess.
If you are too emotionally involved to see clearly, then counseling may be a help. Just be sure you have a good fit with the therapist, that s/he helps you feel calm and comfortable and you trust their judgment.
Good luck and God bless.
PS this is a test also as to would he care for you, should you get ill?
Either way, I don't mean to be disrespectful or accusing, but you should reassure him that he is still the most important part of your life. When you get married, you do leave the nest.
My husband is from Thailand, a country with enormous family ties. We moved there for the last five months of his mother's life and stayed there for nearly nine years. I gave up all my possessions the first time, and left our 23 year old daughter, who was living with us at the time. My husband wanted to move back to the US after our first three years abroad, so I gave up all my possessions again, but couldn't afford to stay on his low retirement, so we went back. We own a home in Thailand, and I have told him that I want to return, when I feel I can no longer care for my mother.
We had sat down together in the beginning and agreed to commit to six months here to help my parents, but before we even arrived, he had changed his mind and after only two months, already went back to Thailand for a month. Now he is saying we should take a vacation for another month, but I know he will want us to stay. I don't feel good about living a leisurely life on the beach, while my parents tell me they don't know what they would do without me.
When is the notional six month commitment up? I think it should be uncontroversial for you to keep to that, with or without husband. Estimating that this gives you three months to think what to do next, that's when it will get difficult. Are there more children than you and your brother? Is it time for the grand family summit conference? What are your daughter's circumstances now?
Very difficult, and much too complex a decision for casual observers to offer any really useful advice. It seems that you and your husband need to think about what's most important to both of you, and how well your many options can be adapted to those priorities. Meanwhile, nobody has to burn any bridges, do they?
I'm glad your parents appreciate your help. I'm glad your brother is pulling his weight. Yours sounds like a loving and supportive family; in which case you can perhaps be confident of understanding and acceptance when you reach your well thought-out decisions about the future. Good luck, keep us posted.