Motherinlaw is now living with her son and myself and the only thing she pays for is her prescription meds.(fosomax for her brittle bones, she can just sneeze and fracture a bone. and prozac,which somewhat keeps her from being unbearably hateful).Now keep in mind she has spent her inheritance on her daughter and grandson, buying them cars and college tuitions ,plus mortgaged the home her mother left her.Now that she has nothing left but her ssi check, failing health and only 35k from the sale of her house after the mortgage is paid,I have been blessed with being her caregiver. She eats more than I do, wants only the best of everything. I bath her ,do her hair nails and pedicures. Carry every meal to her. at time when I have been busy , have asked to make herself a sandwich, and she will either eat cookies, or pour dry cereal on the counter and eats that instead....never offers a dime for . Her daughter will not even come and sit with her so I can go to the DR.When I bake she calls her daughter over and gives her half of what I have baked. Sorry friends, I know I am complaining, but I feel like I could just sit down and bawl and never stop ! My carpet is very very old and frayed and i fear she is going to trip and fall . I would so love to put in a walkin tub to make bathing her easier on me. My question is: If I used money from the sale of her house for these two items,would the five year medicaid look back make me pay this back?
Do you personally want a walk in tub/ if not how about taking out the tub and installing a large shower with a seat which would save your back in the long run.
Did you actually like her before she got so apparently helpless?
If she can walk to the kitchen she can walk to the table to eat like everyone else. It's her choice if she prefers dry cereal and cookies to a sandwich so don't worry about that
Quit the nails hair and pedicures. Medicare will pay for a visit to the Podiatrist every 12 weeks so she can get her nails cut there. As for the hair and fingernails she can pay for that out of her SS check and go to the beauty shop. if her daughter won't come and sit with her while you go to the Dr why not drop her off at the daughters while you go or she can sit in the waiting room while you have your appointment.
Stop her giving the cookies to her daughter, tell her she is not to and if the daughter arrives tell the daughter she is not having them.
Are you comfortable enough to tell us a little more about your personal situation? you referred to her son as the man in your life not your husband. is there a wife somewhere in the picture and you are the other woman and therefor dependent on the son's will. I am reading between the lines here but you speak as though you don't have any input in the situation. it that is so that is where change has to start.
I realize you feel overwhelmed and trapped but telling you we feel sorry for you is not going to change everything. Have a good cry you have earned it then get the old witch out of your house it is never going to work in a thousand years and you will destroy yourself.
How are you able to have access to her money? it certainly can be used for her care but keep meticulous records of where every penny was spent. it is perfectly acceptable for her to contribute her share to household expenses and buy gas for your car when you have to transport her just keep all receipts.
if she dies tomorrow where will that money go?
Don't take this post the wrong way it is meant to be supportive not critical and we really do care.
My boyfriends grandma lives with us and is in her early stages of dementia, I know the feelings you are going through! Even though she is beginning to be mentally unstable at times, most of the time talking to her about my concerns make her at least attempt to change things (she is 83 so that is a little hard for her lol).
Desiree
As to how it would be viewed by Medicaid since it is in your house and not in MIL's is a good question to ask the elder law attorney.
What would probably work is that you could draw up a rental agreement that would cover Room (rent & utilities) & Board (food & supplies). Of course the amount charged must be with and local reason (comparable to what you could charge someone else to lodge with you). Since she has very few expenses, this could be equal to a large part of her monthly income without touching her $35,000. If the R & B isn't enough of her monthly money, you can also have what is called a Personal Service Agreement. Why should she live with you for free, spending or saving her excess money, and in the end, have to use that money for her care at a nursing home?
If you know in advance you are getting $XX.xx per month from her, you can cycle that money into her food, installing a walk-in shower, and repairing your carpet with eventual replacement in mind. I believe it would be perfectly justifiable in that way because food is necessary and the other items are safety issues that will allow you to keep her home and out of the nursing home.
If you think this is something you want to do, you should see a lawyer not only to make sure you have her necessary legal paperwork in order, but to get the proper documents drawn up and correctly negotiated as well as find out about income reporting requirements for what you are paid.
Coupled with your SIL, who is probably one of the group I would call "the walking unconscious", apparently handed everything, along with her own son, from mom/g'ma, lives in a world of unaware entitlement to have the audacity to come to your house for an abbreviated amount of time and then leaves with YOUR desserts because HER MOM said so. Her belief is likely that she is helping in the caretaking of her mom but has no clue of what is involved or what you do.
I believe it's time to have a calm and quiet discussion with your husband about what the true needs are. That he is going to have to stand up to his mom in order to maintain the physical and mental health of the two of you. If you feel resistance, you may need to do it in front of a third party, a couples counselor an intervention specialist, whatever at something.
IMO, you need to get your requirements down in writing (these problems never work themselves out with verbal spewing), all YOUR OWN ducks in a row, so to speak, then have a family meeting around the dining room table that includes MIL, SIL & nephew.
It won't be productive to dwell on the past, probably not even bring it up, just outlined what is needed now in order for MIL to stay in YOUR home. otherwise, she can take her $35,000 and relocate to an assisted living facility.
Your husband is gun shy of his mother's reaction. Unfortunately that leaves you in the position of either convincing him that he needs to put his foot down or that you will have to do it for him. His mother's condition is only going to go from bad to worse. Get get organized FOR YOU, NOW(!) or get her out.
Hugs for you. None for the old witch who is leeching off you