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Anyone else been in this situation? I am with her now She will need rehab after hospital. I have no idea how long. Feeling very homesick and trapped. My brothers come and go but I am expected to stay while she is still in hospital and beyond.
Hunt everyone feels lonely abandoned and frightened when they are in hospital for an extended period of time. Add to that the reason she ended up where she is and the future treatment she may need. Unless you actually want to be tied to Mom's bedside and she doesn't depend on you for things like feeding when you brothers arrive leave and tell them you will be back at a certain time. Make sure Mom has plenty of things to occupy her like books,magazines a laptop if she usually has one. Most hospitals these days have free wi fi. Many people when they are very ill like to spend a lot of time sleeping so make sure when she is out of bed she has a comfortable chair to sit in like a recliner and snacks if she is allowed. Hubby brought me in a tiny fridge with things like my favorite yogurt. We tucked it in a corner and plugged it in and the staff had no problem with that. Sitting out of bed in a chair for some reason in an uncomfortable chair in a noisy environment is felt to speed your recovery rather than resting comfortably in bed is beyond me. of course it is necessary to be up and moving for many reasons but I fail to see why resting in bed is so bad if you are more comfortable. But I digress. Unless your Mom is critically ill there is no reason other than her desire for you to spent all your time at the bedside. Do not put your life on hold because it will be only the beginning of Mom's continued neediness. Establishing boundaries early will pay off in the end. just make sure you know and understand what the Drs are up to and question anything you are unsure about. Every patient needs a friend or family advocate these days. If Mom has hobbies such as crochet she can of course do that if she is able. An Artist will have more problems but there are many adult coloring books these days which might be an option.Kniting can be small easily projects like baby booties. Be creative and think outside the box
So, Hunt, it's up to you to say to your brothers " I need to get back home on Monday. My family needs me". You can keep in touch with the hospital by phone, now that the crisis is over.
Can you ask the hospital discharge planner if you can have her transported to a rehab near your home? All hospitals have social workers who help with rehab placement. Some of them more helpful than others. Keep asking until you get a scenario that will work for you......and if you need to go home for a few days....get one of the brothers family to stay and give you a break.
My sis works at an AL and I have discovered this scenario is much more common than we realize, many of their short term stays are for people who have been in automobile accidents, payment courtesy of their insurance. Your mother may never recover enough to return to her former lifestyle, so I think you need to practice setting some boundaries now. Your brothers get to come and go and you do not? Why is that? I understand the need to be near while she is in crisis, but there is nothing wrong with leaving her in the hands of the pros at rehab while you take time some away. If you can not commute at all due to distance then I would look at finding some type of accommodation that allows you to feel more at home and able to decompress while you are there... you might ask the SW at the hospital or rehab if they have any suggestions.
Setting boundaries is all about recognizing there is a difference between what others expect of you and what you are able and willing to give. Just because your brothers have nominated you as the family's indentured servant doesn't mean you have to accept the position. Of course you wanted/needed to be there in a crisis, beyond that you need to learn to say NO.
I'm so sorry this has happened! What an awful situation.
You say " I am expected to stay...". By whom? By mom? Your brothers?
If mom will need rehab, perhaps she can be transferred to a facility nearer your home. We did that with my mom, after she was released from the hospital after a stroke.
I've always found that when my mom is in the hospital, I'm in crisis mode. It's hard, sometimes, after you realize that the worst has past, to get back into planning mode. Planning mode means doing what is best and doable FOR EVERYONE, not just the patient.
My mom has broken ribs so they feel the 15 hour car ride home will have to wait awhile. She had a perforated diaphragm that allowed her intestines to move into her chest cavity, she also had her spleen removed. Flying is out of the question due to the use of the chest tube.
We haven't met with a social worker yet but spoke to him once. I guess he will get more involved once we get closer to the rehab stage?
Had my first meltdown last night. It's hard not knowing how long she and I will be here. I can't help but be angry that my brothers can come and go as they please but I am expected to remain here indefinitely. Then I am to live with her when she goes home until she can live independently. Nobody discussed any of this with me, it is simply assumed because I don't have a "real" job and my kids are older than my brothers kids. I feel like I will never see my home, Hubby, kids and dogs again. I feel like a monster for feeling this way. Thanks for letting me vent.
Getting her home is a long way off. I know we aren't the first family to have a loved one seriously injured far away from their homes but it is very scary.
To answer the question about who decided I would be the one to stay with her full time...there was no discussion between me and my brothers. It was simply assumed and I was given no choice. Everyone just assumes that because I am the only daughter I will be the one who remains with her for as long as she needs care. Everyone else will help when they can. It's like my life and my family do not matter any more.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Unless you actually want to be tied to Mom's bedside and she doesn't depend on you for things like feeding when you brothers arrive leave and tell them you will be back at a certain time. Make sure Mom has plenty of things to occupy her like books,magazines a laptop if she usually has one. Most hospitals these days have free wi fi. Many people when they are very ill like to spend a lot of time sleeping so make sure when she is out of bed she has a comfortable chair to sit in like a recliner and snacks if she is allowed. Hubby brought me in a tiny fridge with things like my favorite yogurt. We tucked it in a corner and plugged it in and the staff had no problem with that. Sitting out of bed in a chair for some reason in an uncomfortable chair in a noisy environment is felt to speed your recovery rather than resting comfortably in bed is beyond me. of course it is necessary to be up and moving for many reasons but I fail to see why resting in bed is so bad if you are more comfortable.
But I digress. Unless your Mom is critically ill there is no reason other than her desire for you to spent all your time at the bedside. Do not put your life on hold because it will be only the beginning of Mom's continued neediness. Establishing boundaries early will pay off in the end. just make sure you know and understand what the Drs are up to and question anything you are unsure about. Every patient needs a friend or family advocate these days. If Mom has hobbies such as crochet she can of course do that if she is able. An Artist will have more problems but there are many adult coloring books these days which might be an option.Kniting can be small easily projects like baby booties. Be creative and think outside the box
Your mother may never recover enough to return to her former lifestyle, so I think you need to practice setting some boundaries now. Your brothers get to come and go and you do not? Why is that? I understand the need to be near while she is in crisis, but there is nothing wrong with leaving her in the hands of the pros at rehab while you take time some away. If you can not commute at all due to distance then I would look at finding some type of accommodation that allows you to feel more at home and able to decompress while you are there... you might ask the SW at the hospital or rehab if they have any suggestions.
Who is making these decisions? "No" is a complete sentence, dear. Remember that.
You say " I am expected to stay...". By whom? By mom? Your brothers?
If mom will need rehab, perhaps she can be transferred to a facility nearer your home. We did that with my mom, after she was released from the hospital after a stroke.
Things can be " good enough".
We haven't met with a social worker yet but spoke to him once. I guess he will get more involved once we get closer to the rehab stage?
Had my first meltdown last night. It's hard not knowing how long she and I will be here. I can't help but be angry that my brothers can come and go as they please but I am expected to remain here indefinitely. Then I am to live with her when she goes home until she can live independently. Nobody discussed any of this with me, it is simply assumed because I don't have a "real" job and my kids are older than my brothers kids. I feel like I will never see my home, Hubby, kids and dogs again. I feel like a monster for feeling this way. Thanks for letting me vent.
To answer the question about who decided I would be the one to stay with her full time...there was no discussion between me and my brothers. It was simply assumed and I was given no choice. Everyone just assumes that because I am the only daughter I will be the one who remains with her for as long as she needs care. Everyone else will help when they can. It's like my life and my family do not matter any more.