The oldest has health issues and so do I. Prior to the broken hip we all took turns staying with her. At this point she is not progressing in rehab, and I assume they will release her. My brother and youngest sister say they will take care of her and are acting like we don’t care about mom. Mom is very self-centered; an example is yesterday she called my older sister and said she needed soup. My sister called the youngest sister who drove a can of soup 40 miles (round trip) to mom. The rehab apparently couldn’t heat the soup, so mom called my brother who drove 30 miles twice (round trip) to heat the soup and take it back to her. She is so hard to deal with I know I would not be equipped to deal with her. I don’t want to blow up on her. It’s crazy.
Requests such as bring deodorant, comb my hair, open my Kleenex, etc. She uses us. Should I feel guilty about my decision not to help with her care? I will visit once a week, l live 100 miles away (round trip) . She will be bedridden, and I think a nursing home would be best.
We are all on sertraline, mainly because of her. Dad died 2 years ago. Mom has histrionic personality disorder, and all this bullsh*t has really come out since dad died.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
I can’t believe you all are seniors still asking how high when your mom says to jump. How have you all not grown up yet? (Pretty much excluding you).
Tell your family you vote for a nursing home since you are old and have health issues and can no longer help.
Also, people who deliver messages for the narcissist are called flying monkeys. Your sister is a flying monkey.
No soup for you!
Mom didn't NEED soup. She wanted to snap her fingers and see who'd jump. She won. She always does, it seems. You guys enable this behavior. I'm not saying you can stop it but you are definitely putting the gas in her tank.
What rehab can't reheat soup?
Should you feel guilty about wanting to place her? Nope. You gave legitimate reasons for not being able to care for her so for her sake and your own health, start finding a spot for her.
But for right now, like for Monday, find out exactly what her status is at the NH. If she is still in rehab , she is there as a rehab patient from a post hospitalization discharge which is a benefit that is covered by health insurance like her Medicare & whatever she has as her secondary policy. But once she is “not progressing”, Medicare will shut rehab off within 24-48 hours. So the NH will want someone - the POA usually- to decide precisely where she if going & asap. If she is to remain there they have to know how her stay is being paid for.
Health insurance does not pay for custodial care.
if those sibling of yours are thinking that by taking her into their home, this means they have access to moms $…… well If this is possibly part of their rationale, let go of this drama and nonsense and let them have her. If you or the other sane sibling are her POA, resign it.
sounds beyond harsh but someone like your mom will have no reasoning that can be effectively dealt with. It’s terribly sad.
If any want to try providing the care themselves, they can ask the rehab for a *Trial of Care*.
Staff can arrange the day. The sibling shadows the staff, learns how to transfer (learn to use lifting aides or machinery if applicable), bathing, attend to toileting hygiene. If mostly bedbound this will include bedbaths, turns & repositioning. Where I live this can even be offered over 24hrs & the would-be caregiver provides all the care overnight as well. Just as they would at home.
A rehab nurse told me "Some are OK. Say yes I can do this. But some are crying in the corner within an hour. Either way, at least they KNOW what they are in for".
Real lived experience is the best cure for denial.
PS Even if the 'helpers' plan on round the clock aides, they need to know the role as there are always cancellations & no-shows.
If all her kids have to take something to deal with visiting mother ( been there done that too ) , maybe the source of the problem needs a med . Your Dad is no longer the buffer .
Good luck
Surgery & Anaesthesia is very specialised & chance of making it through the op is probably better than ever before in history.
Walking again, or being mobile enough to stand & pivot is a different kettle of fish.. Will depend on many factors. Muscle strength & will being just 2.
Please read all these replies. Especially Barb's 1st reply on F.O.G.
Clear that FOG.
Look with fresh eyes.
What is the common sense thing to do?
The Bugs Bunny cartoon with Yosemite Sam as the chef to the demanding king comes to mind.
ALL of you can not care for her.
Assisted Living
Mom hires caregivers that will come in and help mom. They work day shifts if mom can be left alone. You have night caregivers if m om can not be left alone.
And I would also request a Hospice evaluation. If she does qualify for Hospice you would have Hospice staff that would help out, a Nurse 1 time a week, CNA 2 times a week. And they would provide all the supplies and equipment to keep her safe at home. If she goes to AL Hospice will also provide care and supplies there. (if she needs equipment to transfer she would probably have to go to Long Term Care of Skilled Nursing as most AL will not allow the use of equipment)
Step back from this . You visit once a week etc per what you want/able to do.
Your mother needs to stay in a facility. She will be too difficult to physically handle at home.
Your senior aged siblings will find that out the hard way if they take mom home.
That driving 30 and 40 miles just so Mom can have a can of soup is ridiculous. A broken hip is serious in the elderly. And Mom not progressing at 98 is not surprising. They are good until they aren't. I would have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If found she needs it, those two that feel they can do the caring should be told what is involved in that caring. A 100lb woman who is deadweight is not easy to help get out of a chair or turn over in bed. Seems Mom is going to be demanding. They will be at her beck and call 24/7. Believe me they will burn out quickly.
Does anyone have POA? That person needs to make the decision. Me, I would tell the Social Worker Mom cannot return home. No one can care for her and have her placed in LTC. Its what it is. Mom is 98 with Senior Citizens for children and a couple with health problems of their own. Feel no guilt, its what it is.
Why does everyone jump when she says frog? She's in a facility and can't even talk with you (plural) unless you make it possible by getting on the phone with her or going to see her. Why answer the phone? Why go to see her? What is her grip on everyone that you have all fallen apart to the point where you're taking sertraline?
Reply to the two who say you don't care about mom. Tell them that you love the old hag - er, I mean mommy dearest. Follow that up with your declaration that since there are oodles of professionals in various facilities who can take care of her better than you can, you choose not to continue ruining your health for the old hag - er, I mean sweet old lady. Plus you've transformed into a soup Nazi. "No more soup for you! Next!"
Why don't you want to blow up at her? What could be the worst result of that? Maybe the dear old witch would shut up? Or huddle in fear under her pillows? OMG, there's an idea!
Wishing you well as you progress in this journey with the wicked old bat. Er, I mean sweet mommy user.
It seems like your mother's sole purpose in life is to put ALL of her elderly children into the grave before her. Heck she may even want to have y'all buried alive with her if she goes first (how many of the kids would agree to this....maybe one or two, especially the two who drove miles over a can of soup)
If the other siblings choose to continue engaging and jumping through hoops for your mother, then that is their choice BUT you do not have to do it anymore.
Seriously the entire soup fiasco is the stupidest and saddest thing I have read on here in a while. Elderly adult children driving 40 miles and 30 miles round trip to please this wretched woman over a can of soup.
Mom needs to remain in the facility where she is BUT if the other siblings let her come home then it will be on them to provide the round the clock care she needs. Please don't participate in this insanity. Tell them you are done and be done.
This is a simple matter of Mom should be in care. PERIOD. Not only has she now broken her hip, but she cannot recover from it in that she cannot muster the strength to participate fully in rehab. That means living alone at home is over. Falls are, as this old nurse can tell you, often the beginning of the end. The end will only come all the quicker without recognition she cannot remain alone anymore.
If some sibling (s) wish to sacrifice their own lives on the burning funeral pyre of your mother then that is up to them. The others should say "Sorry; I have my own life and right now that has priority.
Taking on this care when you are not A) ready B) willing C) able is ridiculous. The wrath of the guilting sibs won't kill anyone. Stand clear and strong. Tell them you've no intention of discussing it, but are simply informing then that you will not be "enabling this poor decision making". End of full sentence, and add a "Bye. Have a nice day."
Rehab is not an assisted living: there is lots they don't do for patients, especially if they're understaffed. My 100 yr old Aunt with advanced dementia forgot she couldn't walk unassisted and got out of her bed in her home and fell and broke her hip. We declined surgery due to her dementia and advanced age (although she was healthy in all other ways). She was still trying to get out of bed in the rehab. Her 104-yr old sister with whom she lived, and my 2 cousins who were her daily caregivers kept pressuring me (the PoA) to release her back to the house, where she would continue to get out of bed and chairs and continue to fall. With a big decline in mobility and the cousins being late 50s and mid 70s... they had no idea what they'd be signing up for.
In the rehab her sister and the cousins visited her every day, making sure she ate and drank (since she'd never keep an IV in). Mercifully she passed away right before her coverage was up (probably due to a clot that often develops from large bone breaks).
Keep your healthy boundary and don't start orbiting around her. She would be the best care in a good LTC facility. At 89, yy MIL is in an excellent LTC facility. She is immobile and has moderate dementia. She enjoys the activities, attention from staff and good medical oversight... on Medicaid.
You're not responsible for your Mom's happiness. You can't choose your family members but you can choose how much or little you interact with them. I wish you great clarity, wisdom, courage and peace in your heart as you defend your very rational boundaries.
Your mom needs to be where she can get 24/7 care from professional caregivers who get to go home after their shift.
You need not feel guilty; you did not cause your mom's old age or infirmity. Perhaps grief better describes your predominant emotion here.
Www.Outofthefog.net