Mom is mean to me but not to anyone else. Any advice?

Walk away. I don't care if she is a hundred and ten, if she hits you, you walk away. Let someone else see to her care, even if it is the county home. Some counseling may help you, but first you have to let go.

I want to say wow, and I also want to offer you what I would consider is advise, where would have to think through all of the points that you want to discuss. I am very sorry for the hurt you are feeling, so I want to see if there is possibly an effective way, and of course knowing you cannot ever change another person.

Some counseling may help you, but first you have to let go.

1.
Create a good sounding board for yourself to give your life some needed perspective. It is important that you do this as writing and not by talking to someone. That comes later in the process. Start a journal or a blog but make sure it is not going to be read by your mother. The objective is to heal yourself, become stronger and remove toxic behavior from your life, not hurt your mother.


2.

Think very hard and make detailed lists regarding your mother. Why is she so unhappy? What were her parents/family life like? What are her frustrations or failed dreams for herself? How can you avoid falling into a pattern to not become like her? What are her expectations for herself and you? Your siblings? What are your expectations from her and your own behavior?

3.
Start to distance yourself-this is the hardest part but you absolutely need to do this step. Imagine you are from another planet and you are observing her dialogue and patterns of destructive behavior. What are her triggers? How do you respond to her outbursts or her drama? Write this all down in your journal. Start with your behavior towards her. Write down pieces of any emotional conversation and look at it. Are you feeding her behavior in any way or adding fuel to the fire. If you are then stop immediately.
4.
Understand that for your mother to strike out at you or favor one sibling over another has to do with her short comings as a person. She might be aware or oblivious to how she is being so damaging. Emotional behavior is the hardest to change but you can become less involved and more objective. It will make you stronger.
5..
Protect yourself. For six months be only the observer not caught up in the drama. She will notice a change in you and may increase her attacks. Stay calm, observe and keep writing.
6.

Reflect on whether it is healthy to keep a relationship with her. Some people are so toxic and damaging to be around that they will try to destroy you. If this is the case-leave the relationship and not talk/visit her for an allotted amount of time. Write her a letter and tell her you need some space but will contact her when the time is right. The time might never be right but you saved yourself.
7.

Believe that being a adult child of a unhappy person is very hard and give yourself the room to be happy and create a life. Start one step at a time becoming more independent. In the long run, what your mother thinks of you is NOT who you are. Her distorted opinion of you or your siblings don't count much if you can understand how hurtful and destructive it is. Your job is not to make her happy. That does not make you a "bad, selfish, etc" person but a healthy one.
8.

Avoid the trap of guilt. It is the number one reason people stay in destructive relationships. You are responsible for yourself not her.

Please note, the above was given to me above, and it was not regarding my mother, but I just typed in as if mother was the issue. I do recall that you have a sister, and put in a bit about "sister", but this is the best way to start to deal with things.

First and foremost, IT IS NOT YOU. You are not the cause of anything.

You are the cause of walking in the room at the wrong time (for her, not you).

You are the cause of her talking, yelling, because you did not hang up the phone, when she started in. (That is tough).

I get it, I am giving you, as I feel it has work much better in quantity a blanket of situations, since when most people post here, they are either hurting, and sometimes leave out situations. If they pertain to your situation, use them, and certainly if you have more questions, please send me a confidential mail, and I would be happy to talk with you.

All the best
"Life is a journey, not a race"

My Father 89 who I have done everything told me that he and Mom said that they wished they never had me. Both parents in and out of hospitals since 2012. Both dementia. Think this happens alot. Sorry, no advice because I need advice myself. Pray for us all.

Wow this post got seriously hijacked. Littlejo, if you are still reading… somewhat similar situation for me, except that there is no "everyone else" sibce for a couple of years I am virtually the only human my mother has contact with. Same deal with the hitting, tgat I ruined her life, that she was constipated one day and had me, etc. It is not just the dementia since she has acted that was all my 55 years. Since she can act rational if she wants police and APS say she is fine… even one time I was bleeding from the abuse they said it was fine. So. My approach has been to realize that like others here a need may come for me to finally walk away from this, and I keep documentation to back me up legally so it will not be taken as abandonment. When she is going into hate filled hysterics, I keep a wary eye on her but also on myself. It is possible to listen to such things and not get snagged and swept away by it. In fact one of my time to get outta here triggers is if I start yelling back or even engaging the bickering at all. I just don't say anything. When she tries to hit me I just quietly face her and hold my arm out so sge cannot approach. It gets pretty bad, but I have noticed that if I stay calm and alert, when the hysteria subsides I feel emotionally unscathed. As far as what you said about you trying to show affection…. When my mother does calm down, sometimes I will think of that as home base for her, and will do something real simple, like just place my hand on her head or shoulder and say goodnight. I also try to keep a perspective… learn from this and work on not eventually becoming the subject on a message board like this someday ;)

One thing to consider is how long and to what degree the verbal and/or physical abuse has been occurring. Was it always a problem, but to a much lesser degree, or has this only surfaced with the onset of dementia? Part of the dynamics in family affairs is the gender and birth position. Mother/daughter relationships have their own peculiar dynamic. [Off-topic: For a look at a REALLY screwed up mother/daughter relationship watch the movie "Like Water for Chocolate." It's a fascinating story with a touch of the supernatural.]

In my case, I am the only daughter, with three younger brothers. My 93 year old mother has the sort of dementia that recognizes people and situations and places. However she fashions reality to her liking. For example, she is convinced that one of my brothers used to live with her year-round when the truth is that he only spent a part of each winter with her (but the nature of his current work has made that impossible now). She has made a shambles of her finances, but when you try to get any information out of her she goes into shut-down mode, not having a clue what you are talking about. Through all of her fantasies, she acts as if everyone else has a screw loose and she is the only rational individual!

It is difficult for me to look at our relationship objectively. I didn't really notice that Mom was particularly negative with me (since she doesn't take advice from ANYBODY, including doctors), but my sister-in-law commented that she was shocked at how disrespectfully Mom treated me. She is not abusive but somewhat disdainful and argumentative with me while smiling sweetly and conversing amicably with others. However, every time I spend a couple of months with my mother, in the last week of my visit, when she realizes that I will be leaving soon and she will have to go and stay with my neurotic, dysfunctional Baby Bro until another brother can take over, she suddenly becomes sweet and cooperative, expressing how she wishes I could stay longer.

In other words, while the dementia may be bringing out a lot of irrational and bizarre behavior, she is crazy like a fox. I've said this before: The person with dementia might SEEM like a completely different person, but like a drunk with lowered inhibitions, certain underlying characteristics that are part of that person are more freely expressed. We all have a "dark side" and dementia unfortunately often reveals that side of our personalities.

Littlejo and Suezq32, I agree with others who have advised you to cover your derriere as to legal and financial issues, do what you can to remove yourself from the crosshairs (not the same as abandonment), and actively live a full life outside of the artificial confines your parent has constructed for you.

Listen to yourself. She treats EVERYONE else well, but you. Why are you letting her torture you? You sound so much like my sister. "Mother tells everyone that she loves them, but me." I begged my sister not to be Mother's door mat. The stress added to my sister's early death.

Other people think that my mother is a jewel. If I am around her more than 2 days, she becomes hateful. (I live in another state.) So, my take on it is that she doesn't want me there.

Read Caring For My Difficult Older Parent. It was right on, for me.

Set boundaries and limit your contact with her. I understand that she has dementia, but in the end, it is you that she is physical with.

Just reading your story, my heart aches for you. Those hurtful things that are said by "parents" are much more devastating because we internalize them. We need our parents to like us/ love us. At least that is what goes thru our head. I had trouble with this myself. You have 2 choices :
1- learn to separate your heart from her emotionally.Realize that you don't really need to have her like/love you to care for her. (that's empowering and challenging)
You are lovable and perfect just as you are. Look around you and see that you don't need her approval. You are good. You are loved. You have many people to support that.
2- Remove yourself from the position. Someone else can and will have to do it. Then don't feel guilty. You have a good heart, you don't deserve it stomped on. especially by a parent. Dementia or not, the words hurt and if you can't become numb to them, resign the position to someone else.

You may wish to invest in a cheap camcorder and an external storage hard drive for documentation. After someone at my mom's facility called APS I felt threatened / feared for my own legal safety and began documenting each visit with her. Under intense scrutiny, I also stopped touching her other than to check her blood sugar and redress wounds. Subsequently the people I hired to give her showers failed to do so and mom got a severe UTI which had her in and out of the hospital for two months. I had to move her to a more intense care facility and things are better care-wise but worse regarding her health now.
When one is dealing with dementia and/or narcissism we cannot be too careful. We must protect ourselves as well as the elder. Sometimes this is not possible and you must place your own safety first. I have been my mother's whipping post for many years but I will not die or go to prison to placate her. There are times when I believe she would dance on my grave if given the opportunity. You must decide for yourself what you will subject yourself to and to what degree, but I cannot stress enough to document everything as her accusations may escalate.

Unfortunately it isn't uncommon for the parent to be sweet and nice to strangers and difficult to family, especially daughters. My Mom is like that.

Someone else might kick her ___ to the curb, so she doesn't try it with them. You, on the other hand, won't fight back. Tell her how you feel. Then move on with the rest of your life somewhere else. Don't take that kind of abuse any longer.