What do you do when your Mom puts on a helpless act, when not helpless?

A hard truth to face is that our commitment to care for our ailing elders gives them the power to waste our time and energy. Right or wrong, your mother is what she is and isn't likely to change at this point, and possibly (probably) will get worse at whatever annoys you.

The secret to survival is compassionate detachment so that you are not emotionally invested no matter what she says or does. And, truly speaking, it isn't about you. She would behave just as badly with whoever is her constant companion.

Of course, this detachment is easier said than done, as my own experience attests. Mom is nearly 96 and I've been looking after her since Dad died, more than 10 years now. Protecting my mental health still is a work in progress.

Good luck and God bless.

I think we should give pam68 a break and not accuse her of over-reacting nor can we assume that the pastor doesn't know her mother, well. This is supposed to be a "safe" place and ithat means we have to give the person posting a break.

Pam68, I think if you give more information that maybe you can get clearer advice. I suspect that what Gigi11 said is probably right, though - she is what she is. But you have the right to come here and vent, regardless, so please don't think we aren't sympathetic.

I do also get frustrated with my mom. Once, when she first came to live with me, she was complaining and griping and making me sound like an awful person and I finally snapped and said, "Well, if you don't like it, here, pack your things call my brother, and have him drive up to get you - I don't care, anymore!" I didn't mean it. It not only hurt her feelings but, in her fragile mental state, it gave her the fear that I throw her out into the streets and she'd have nowhere to go. I now understand her condition better and am better and not snapping back like that, but there are still days where it's just so hard.

Hang in there and don't let anyone make you feel like you're "bad."

Ignore her negativity. Don't buy into it. Spend more time without her in your space. That's a must to clear your mind and have some precious solitude. I wouldn't have any pills near her, either.

If there is one thing I want to share is one day mom will not be here. The emptiness is unbearable. The what if's are worse. I went through the rabbit hole of dementia into Alzhemeirs with my mom.1All she wanted was to be near me, look at me, call my name all day. It made me crazy. Now I realize she was afraid, she needed the comfort of knowing I was there. When I was a child she diqdn't qqget annoqyed when I needed her. The fact is she was a most gracious, loving woman and mother. If I could do it over BUT that's it you can't. One day you'll be sitting in the dark aching for her. Don't waste what time you have left. May I suggest a day program a few times a week to.give you a break so you can tend to some of your own needs. I found an excellent one run at a local church. Good luck!

Pami68, please don't feel like this is your fault or due to you not doing enough or being burned out. Caregiving is a super tough job. You are entitled to your feelings 100%, and there must be something behind them. Caregiving is rarely the peachy-keen love fest some folks paint it as. Keeping it real over here - caregiving is messy, ugly, and extremely stressful. Nobody should be clucking their tongues over your plea for help.

Some of us have Borderline & Narcissistic moms who manipulate by acting helpless, create endless fear, obligation, & guilt. It's total emotional blackmail.
My mom is one of them. The pastor may have seen this 100 times before.

My advice is to get your mom evaluated by a geriatric psych to understand what's going on in there. Is she suffering from routine depression that seems to be terribly common in elders, or is it more than that, like a Cluster B personality disorder? I had no idea how common this seems to be until I found my support group here on AC.com.

There are a TON of helpful articles on this site about dealing with complaining, neediness, and learned helplessness. The most important thing to remember is that you are not dealing with the same mom you had 20 years ago, and you have to steel yourself to see into behaviors and what may be causing them, and then be prepared to take action. Sometimes the behavior comes from a physical cause - pain, constipation, UTI. Sometimes the behavior comes from deep within the person because that is how they are wired. Sometimes it's a learned behavior that is truly new, but due to changes in the brain's physiology. You aren't making this up and what you see is actually happening. The important thing is to take action on what you can. ::HUGS::

My mother behaves as if she's helpless whenever she is with my sister and I. Cant stay awake, slurs her words, can hardly walk, forgetful and complains constantly. She then receives a phone call from her girlfriend and low and behold she no longer is slurring her words, she is happy, laughing, and planning her next music outing. Even tells her she is having a great time with her daughters. Yes my mother still drives, attends music events were she sings and plays guitar, and has a social life that is until she is with us. If we make a comment about her complaints and unwillingness to do anything for herself she becomes defensive and angry. This is a new situation for us and unsure how to respond to this behavior, She does have a treated mental illness. I am so upset with her acting this way that I'm having a hard time being around her but can't leave this all on my sister.....HELP

You need assistance with your mom. Please have a friend, perhaps a church member or caregiver (if only for a few hours) come in and help. Mom is helpless, mom knows she is helpless and she is reaching out to you for understanding and acceptance for the sacrifices she has made in the past. If you do not know of a person at your church, your pastor may be helpful in suggesting someone. Just make certain both you and your mom is comfortable in the presence of whomever that may be. Then, spend time doing what you enjoy...go to lunch with a friend, shop, perhaps a long walk or maybe take a book and read at a local park. Seriously, you do NOT realize how much you need a break! Been there, done that, still doing it. But one must find their own 'moments of freedom'. What makes you happy---even for a few hours. As unusual as this sounds, I go to our local hospital and help greet visitors, read to veterans, give plenty of hugs and smiles. Once back home caring for my Alzheimer's spouse, I feel grateful knowing how precious every moment of life is. Love your mom like you have never loved her before Pam. God has a way of calling loved ones home when we least expect it. Yes, it is hard, very hard, but you only have one mom and when she is gone, the emptiness and void will linger forever. God bless you. I will pray that you gain inner strength each day for the cross and struggles you bear.

Sometimes you need to vent or else you'll go crazy or, worse yet, say or do something you'll both regret. Think of the scene in Rain Man when Charlie Babbitt runs out of patience with Raymond's incessant babbling about having to go to K-Mart, 500 Oak Street, Cincinnati, Ohio. "Son of a b---h!", Charlie screams.

And, I too, am not wanting to cast blame on you, as a child caregiver. I had aging parents, and even as a child, a Mom, who was a nurse, prediabetic, and for the most part, gone when I was growing up, pursuing her profession, of which she was so very good at. I have no idea, how she did what she did. She worked many hours, as a part time nurse, which, back then made it a necessity to fill in for vacations of all the full time nurses, and as a result , she was usually gone all Summer, when I was growing up, working. I could see, though, that she had no choice, and even as her health was getting compromised with diabetic symptoms, and fatigue, she never missed work, cooked great meals when she came home, and answered phone calls in the evening from her head nurse, who had an alcoholic husband, that often was verballly abusive, and listened to her boss. I mad a vow to myself at about age sixteen, that when I got older I would never get ill. I judged her, for getting diabetes, and felt she was not there for me, when indeed, I saw it all wrong. She was so gentle, kind, and generous. Absent, yes, at times, making her contribution to our family by working and putting great meals on the table. And, did I keep my vow to never be ill, no, I fought it, and ended up, denying stress, grief, and also blaming myself for every relationship problem growing up that ever arised, and became prone to putting out fires for people who were really just needing to do that themselves, and blaming my Mom for being ill, when in reality, her illness came from the same thing mine did, doing the best she could with what she had, at the time, to be the best she could be. Don't beat yourself up. You are a good child, just like me, my Mom, to her Mom, and my daughter to me. Sometimes , my daughter, would say to me, are you bored Mom, when I was off work from exhausting myself emotionally, physically, and literally, working to make a living at a job that was not even hourly or salary, with the promise of long hours makes great pay. I fulfilled my desire to finish a trade that I wanted to do out of high school , at mid life, and got adrenal exhaustion, had a marriage with a non communicator, and lost my parents. I am not wanting pity, now, or then, nor am I, now or then bored. I guess what I am saying, is we want the best for our kids, our kids want the best for us, and when we see that one or the other is not at their best, from either position, we sometimes, myself included, start to overthink, and speculate. I wish I would have never thought my Mom liked to be ill, or that I said to myself I would never be ill myself. Things happen, life happens, and we all do our best. I am now writing this, and I see me, in your letter, and understand. I am sure your pastor is trying to help. It gets complicated, I know. Step back, breathe. Laugh, read to your Mom, set a schedule, for a time to do certain things together. Take time for you. I can see how my daughter tries, and I get angry with her, and she with me, just because we love each other, and bottom line, is we are doing our best. It took me a while, but I finally said, to her. If I could have not spent the hours in a lifetime, overthinking, and examining motives, and speculating about situations in my life, and those I knew, I would have saved time, because, every time I speculated for more than a few minutes, the speculation was never accurate. I hope this helps. You are a caring person, I can tell. If you want to write to me, I will do my best to listen, on this site. Peace. Oh, and I told her. If you ever thought, in a life time, ever, that your Mom, me, wanted attention, was feeling self pity, was bored, guess what, you were wrong. I was doing the best with what I had at the time, to be the best I could be. It helped. She and I now communicate entirely differently, and it took the pressure off both of us, to figure things out, and let us just be.

how would your pastor know this is an act???is he trained to work with older folks?does he visit her often??it sounds like there is alot going on.....first, you are overeacting......step back, try to think about life from her end......is she sad?depressed?feels left out?confused?unless you can get in her brain, you have no idea what is going on with her....i know its easy to feel overwhelmed and mad.......i too get frustrated with the way my mom is "acting"....i try to stop myself and say.......she is old and i love her......and take a deep breath and ask her how she is........this does help......its easy to feel sorry for your self and get mad....but it sounds like you both need some help with her........is there a neighbor or someone else she might have as a freind that could come in and talk to her?? again, stop,think and try to realize she is not trying to be helpless.......she probably is just as confused about whats going on as you are.......CALL A LOCAL SENIOR CITIZEN GROUP FOR HELP.