My 102 year old mother fell and broke her hip in early July. She had surgery and has been in a rehab facility. She has made little progress mostly because of her attitude. The care team decided she should probably move into the long term care area where they could continue to work with her. My mother only cares about two things, going back to her house and screaming to the heavens for father. I have spent every single day of the last two years caring for her. I begged her to allow me to bring help in the home to aid her walking, bathing, etc. She refused. She fell down and the rest is history. Yesterday when we tried to move her she became violent trying to strike the physical therapist and an aide. They stopped the move, but I am now waiting for the call or letter telling me they have strict rules about residents hitting employees. My mother said things yesterday I couldn’t believe or forgive. My wife who works in the medical field tried to reason with her to no avail. My mother kept screaming I will fight all of you. I am not going in assisted living. I am going back to my house. I don’t need anyone there with me. This from somebody who cannot stand and needs help doing everything. I am so tired of dealing with her. If she had her way I would be living with her and taking care of her. She said to me you are no son of mine. You should be taking care of me either in my home or hers. Neither home is set up to accommodate a wheelchair. I am ready to resign as her power of attorney and have the court appoint a guardian.
I think it's important for you to remember that at 102, I'm sure she doesn't have the all of her faculties. When she says hurtful things and you are seeing your Mom saying them, it's hard to remember that mentally, she isn't really "Mom". Her not allowing doctors to take care of her and not having the abilities to take care of herself (which I'm sure doctors have signed off on) means that as POA, you can make the decisions for her and whether or not she likes them is, at this point, irrelevant.
Don't feel guilty about getting her into a LTC facility. It's where she needs to be for sure, whether or not she believes it to be so. She's not the first combative patient places like this have had and maybe once she realizes that this is the way it is, she will be less combative.
Hang in there, Jim. It's so hard, I know. While I'm not in the same boat as you, yet, I'm at the dock waiting to get in my own boat. It's hard, some days moreso than others. I hope, if you just know in your heart that you are doing the best for her because she no longer can, that will make your decisions easier. Prayers to you.
She is 102! Wow. Do you know that only 0.0173% of the population live to be 100? She is lucky to have a son who cares about her well being and will find a clean, safe, qualified long term care facility to make sure she gets what she needs during her time left on this earth.
Don't feel guilty Jim. Take care.
I just got home from a very horribly stressful visit with my 92 year old mother who lives in Memory Care. She was in a fit-to-be-tied mood and argued with every single word I said. She wound up saying she'd be 'moving out and walking the streets' so I trotted right into the Executive Director's office to have a little chat with her about mother's behavior. The ED trotted right into mother's room to have a little chat with HER, which kind of let ME off the hook a bit, because now, someone else was taking responsibility for her, if you catch my drift. But hey, I get to go home after such a visit because she is paying $6400 a month for others who are trained properly to care for her and assist her with 100% of everything she does.
If my mother lives to 102 I shall literally SHOOT myself and I'm not kidding. God bless you for all you've done, and continue to do, for your mother. Please, my friend, get her placed NOW before YOU wind up being the one to go before HER.
Mom was always one who would give you the food from her kitchen, the clothes off her back if she felt you needed it. But she was stubborn. I cared for her for about 2 to 3 years and still handled her home/finances after she was admitted. A week before her death, my husband was diagnosed with dementia leading to alzheimers. I am exhausted and know the time is quickly approaching when he will need more than I can give. He does get violent at times and all the guns were removed from our home because he is constantly plotting my death. He now just sits and stared at the tv and smokes. His muscles are failing from disuse, his glaucoma has taken all but about 10% of the sight from one eye. I am seeing the same thing with him as you are, I am trying not to feel guilty for being exhausted and wondering when if ever I will have a life. We can't take care of our loved ones if we don't have help and take care of ourselves first. You are not selfish, you are practical. I wish you the best. Don't let it destroy you. She needs a lot of care. And our children are not supposed to be our caregivers. We have made pre-arrangements for ourselves which include a nursing home. Please talk to her dr.
Last time she talked was when I asked her my name, and she said her sister
s name, and I said No.. That was the last time she spoke...
It's hard, very hard, and you need to know YOUR BOUNDARIES. If you know you cannot take care of her and that is not in the best interest for her, you get her into a place near you, so you can visit with her often.
Know, that is okay.. Your mom has interests, and if you find the right facility, they may find fun things for mom to do... Bingo, games, trivia, art, activities, dance, music, etc etc...
If you think it may be better, get a doctor to say she is not allowed to live alone and she needs to move into a safe environment.
At this stage they believe that it is not the sun nor the earth that is the centre of the universe but it is them & their wants - so what if she doesn't like it .... have you ever met anyone who said 'I want to live in a nursing home' ... NO NO - she has lost the faculties to make good judgements for herself - she will try to guilt you doing what she wants but if asked all she will say & re-say is 'I want to go home' but she has no concept of what is involved
Good judgement prevails over the wants of an individual who is not in touch with reality - you are a good son so stop being manipulated by her - this person is a shell of what your concept of 'mom' is - she will remember things about you one day & not the next - I told my mom it was temporary until her hand improved so she thought it was a long term rehab place & she was happy about that so please try it if you can
P.S. - as a man your first reaction is to bail out when the going gets tough - now to try to own up to the responsibilities of a POA & start making the nitty gritty choices - otherwise bail out & let the women of the family pick up after you - grow up & get a backbone when dealing with your mom [you are probably 70+ years old by now] - I know this is strong but someone has to slap you upside your head to make you wake up that it is not a walk in the garden to be jettisonned when it is no a longer simple job - otherwise do like so many jellyfish men do & bail out [& the women will do it for you] but you lose the right to complain ever again about her care
She needs long term care - tell the social worker.
You might tell her, they are going to test her to see if she is ready to go home. Then tell her she has to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom by herself. Be standing there with help. When she can't do it, tell her she has to work some more at getting well and for now. See if she is more willing to work with them after that. If not, tell her she has to move to a different bed where they have help to get her going again.
Just flat out telling her she can't go home probably won't work.
Almost no human body is capable of being fully independent at age 102. Can she change her own burned-out lightbulbs, balance her checkbook, mop her kitchen floor, strip the bed and wash/dry the sheets, drive herself or take the bus to each of her medical appointments? If she is unable to do those things, then she is not "independent."
I might mention an analogy from the late singer Glen Campbell who died of Alzheimer's disease. He had five family members taking turns, round-the-clock, to care for him at home. He reached a stage when he became violent, and was still physically strong enough to do serious injury to his caregivers. They were unable to cope with this behavior, and feared for their own safety, so, they had no choice but to place him into a memory care facility. He was safe there and supervised 24/7 - and he remained there until he died.
The time has come for this woman to be in some type of care facility, for her own safety and that of her family.
Because it came from the mouths of medical professionals, my father-in-law took it seriously. He wasn't happy that he needed help, but he accepted it because he knew his limitations.
1. She can stay in the same rehab facility and work with the same therapists to rehab but for insurance reasons she will need to move to a LT room. It's simply an insurance thing because her injury requires more rehab than days allotted for short term rehab, this is why these facilities have/do both. Once she is mobile on her own again and signed off by PT & doctors she will have the choice to go home on her own.
2. She can ignore doctors orders and PT recommendations and sign herself out to go home. But she will need to make arrangements and pay for help at home unless she is capable of getting up and caring for herself. You and other family members are not capable of being with her 24/7 and caring for her, that's why she needs rehab. While you don't agree with this decision and you worry about the consequences to her of making it you will of course do what she wishes as POA as directed (sign forms, make arrangements, pay bills...) but not provide hands on care and lifting, you can't. I imagine you are in your 70's, it takes 2 trained people in rehab to transfer her, she can do the math.
3. She can find another arrangement/facility.
She needs to know that refusing to do anything to care for herself will likely force the rehab/state to step in and deem her unable to care for herself because it's very unlikely they are going to let her go home without a plan in place for care since she isn't able on her own (why she's in rehab to start) and while you have been willing to take on this responsibility if it's going to create this unbearable stress between you you wont be able or willing to add to it by taking on this responsibility, meaning she will be appointed a stranger to make decisions for her. It isn't totally in your hands unless she allows it to be and it isn't totally in her hands unless she proves she's capable by behaving rationally.
Give her back a feeling of some control, make sure she doesn't feel abandoned but make sure she knows her choices and that she needs to be responsible with them to keep control but in a gentle in your face kind of way, lol. Seriously though take some of that off of you, you will continue to take on responsibility to help her as long as she wants but you don't have total control, she is under doctors care and they have legal responsibilities. She has too meet certain criteria that aren't in your control or the facilities completely. I want to see you get off of this cliff and back to a place where you are caring for and about mom rather than dreading contact with her.
If mom does have dementia that's a whole other ball game and it may be time to just take control and make the only decision you can. Enlist the facility and doctors help, maybe cog eval and or meds to help trans.