Hello.
First, I would like to express my gratitude for this forum. It is a place I can safely ask questions/vent/type out my thoughts.
Well, mom is in a steady decline. She's safe and cared for - but time continues to march on. Supplemental in home oxygen has been ordered by her doctor, and she is deeply unhappy about the process of aging.
I live around 300 miles away, but visit frequently and phone her twice per day. She often states that she feels lonely, but rebuffs all of my suggestions to help alleviate the loneliness.
"How about visiting the common room, Mom?" No." How about sitting outside under the gazebo/outdoor commons?" No. "Would you like your PSW to stop by more frequently?" No.
I wish she would accept that she has agency in her life and can still make an effort to engage - even at 74 years old. I feel very bad for her, but she is also a grown adult who is capable of making her own decisions.
Thanks for listening.
It stinks. 😞
Here's hoping.
It may not be loneliness, but the sad process of losing it all. And I at 82 can advise you that it IS sad, and it hurts. You not only lose all you love one at a time, but they are much changed if they are not gone, and you MISS YOURSELF. You miss the vital person you once were who was not afraid, who was not weak and achy, who had things to look forward to, not back on. Who was self- sufficient and without needs.
I think your mom is basically telling you that aging sucks. She is correct. It does. And while we are independent, in our own homes, and can get around and do for ourselves it is somewhat tolerable. Somewhat. But it doesn't have an upside. That whole thing about wisdom? Just a whole lot of silliness. By the time we have anything at all to say no one wants to listen to us, and why should they. Their world is not ours. Their lives are entirely a different set of circumstances.
Just don't take this on. It isn't yours. You didn't cause it. You can't fix it. It's a simple fact of life. I would simply say that you are sorry it isn't a good day. What can you do to help, if anything. And tell her that you yourself are perhaps getting an ache here and a pain there, and understand that what she's dealing with isn't a whole lot of pain. Tell her you wish you had an answer, and you're so sorry. That's about the best you can do.
Meanwhile, stay healthy and vital and never stop moving. Treat your body as though it's GOLD, because it is!
My next door neighbor is 94. She owns her own home, drives her own car, plays cards, belongs to ladies groups, cooks, flies to see her grandkids and great grandkids......I assure you she's not feeling sorry for herself even after 2 hip replacements! She chooses to LIVE and enjoy each day on earth and consider it a gift. If your mother wants to cocoon herself away and complain of "loneliness", that's her prerogative, but I wouldn't encourage that kind of self pity myself (not that you are). She should go volunteer in the children's cancer ward at a local hospital and then acknowledge how fortunate she is! Best way to avoid self pity is to give back to society, imo.
I hope mom steps out of her own way and decides to appreciate life.
But you are correct....you are NOT responsible for your mom happiness, only she is.
So if she wants to sit around all day and complain that she's lonely, that is on her.
So next time she wants to complain to you, tell her that you're done listening to that complaint as she has more than enough options if she really wanted them.
And then either change the subject or hang up the phone.
Hopefully she'll get the message sooner than later.
I would not make suggestions.i would ask "what is your plan for dealing with that mom?"
"Have you talked to anyone about that?"
"Is there something I can do to help?"
My formerly social mother isolated herself for years but demanded my company 24/7. Impossible. That angered her but I cannot fix all the problems she created for herself.
The good news: Just recently she (99, dementia) has FINALLY started socializing with someone at the care home. They’re both bedridden and the staff has moved their beds into the same room to see if they will continue to uplift each other. I am thrilled.
Your post gives me hope that she will be more willing to reach out to others one day.
Thanks.
I will say that unless she is introduced and welcomed by new people it can be very difficult to socialize and make new friends. I am in touch with a lot of seniors and have seen people exclude others because they are not part of the friend group. It reminds me of High School. Sometimes attending events at senior centers can be helpful. If your mom is widowed or divorced there are support groups in the community. A lot of senior people make friends through attending support groups. Many Assisted living facilities provide rides to local community events. Also there are home health aides that can be hired as companions. I wish you and your Mom the best.
It might be worth hiring a ‘companion’ to go with her once a week, and organise the ‘joining in’.
Some don’t admit to going to activities and say they are lonely so you visit more .
I had two family members do this that were going infrequently to activities . When they got caught at an activity when I changed up the time I visited, they stopped going anymore.
The complex staff do engage with her, but she prefers to do little to help her engagement level (ie. refusing to wear her hearing aids).
I will see if her doctor will re-evaluate her depression medication. It has been quite awhile since they have been evaluated.
Thank you.