My Mother (84, but otherwise in good health) is living with me, with the plan for her to age at home. It's nothing new for Mom to use "the silent treatment" when she's unhappy with me, and at times close her bedroom door where I don't intrude - dinner meals are always prepared, whether she eats with me or not. Things have since escalated, and she notified me she hasn't eaten in 3 days, with the intention of starving herself to death. The triggering event was telling her it's time for a deep cleaning of her room (my job, as it's my house and I'm the caregiver). My Mom is a hoarder, and the situation that developed when she lived with my brother and sister-in-law was horrendous. I was distraught because of the conflict/stress my family had to deal with, including the unsafe, unsanitary situation that from outward appearances looked like an open and shut case of elder neglect (it WAS NOT - Mom absolutely resisted all efforts to clean/de-hoard, by myself and others).
When I intervened on the family's behalf, Mom ran away with an out of state niece, who deposited her in a small home by herself, then left the state. Several months, and $10,000 later due to this misadventure, I did a "Mom Rescue", and brought her to live with me, by mutual agreement.
Well, my turn - I know what I signed up for, and that I would NOT allow the squalor to take root in MY house, and that I would need to set boundaries. So, here we are again - the Hoarding Playbook.
I lost my husband to suicide - Needless to say, my Mom threatening suicide is something I take very seriously. My current option is to contact her primary care physician and arrange for help, and to get this situation documented. My mom betrayed her family before, and to be honest I need to protect myself from any possible exposure to charges of elder neglect.
Any and all advice, observations, similar experiences shared is most welcome!!!
Certainly, call her doctor, but when ANYONE threatens suicide (whether by starvation or other means) the appropriate response is to call 911 and have the person taken to a hospital that has a proper psychiatric unit.
Once mom is admitted to the hospital, you are entirely within your rights to tell the social workers that you will NOT be allowing her to return to your home as this would be an "unsafe discharge". You are not equipped (nor are any of us) to deal with someone with this level of mental illness (hoarding is, by definition, a mental illness).
Just to note, my MIL did in fact starve herself to death; she decided, after ill-advised aortic aneurysm surgery and possibly a stroke during recovery that she was done and refused food.
She was admitted to a nursing home and died there about 2 months later.
Has she always been like this?
I suggest you start with a counselor versed in hoarding behavior; there are specialists in this. Try to consider with that person what options may exist. I am so sorry for all you are going through and wish you well.
Time for the professionals to do their thing, for Mom to hear it from others and not just her daughter. I can wait for the for the mental health support resources and not move forward on my own at this point.
T.Champ, Where do you get your medical/psychological information??
It is not incumbent upon this daughter to be subject to the squalor of hoarding nor for her mother's triggering behavior. She (the mother) will need to live elsewhere.
You mention that it was "time for deep-cleaning." Words that are never going to bring joy to the heart of a hoarder.
So I'm wondering how long she's been there, what daily/weekly/monthly schedule for basic domestic hygiene is in place, and what she's hoarding (and how whatever it is gets over the threshold into the house).
I follow Barb and XenaJada in having a family member who decided it was time to stop eating (my grandmother was an early member of the Voluntary Euthanasia Society, nobody had any right to challenge her wishes). I don't if it was true for their loved ones too, but my grandmother didn't discuss this: her views were very well known, and she acted on them. But your mother has announced her intention, as though inviting you to plead with her.
Sigh.
What is her normal diet/meal schedule (when she isn't protesting)?
What is in her room?
How did she come to make the announcement about not having eaten for three days (bearing in mind she isn't speaking to you)?
So what's become of the planned deep-clean meanwhile?
How about personal care, clothing, continence care, trash etc.?
Are you talking to one another now, or not?
A call to her doctor, inform the doctor of the self abuse and threat of suicide.
A call to 911, report the threat of suicide
A call to APS, report the self abuse and threats of suicide.
A call to Elder Abuse Hotline. They do take calls on self abuse
Clearly document each call, who you spoke to and the discussion you had and the outcome of the call.
Your mother is mentally abusing you and you should not have to live with that.
I do hope you are seeing, talking to someone about your own trauma.
It's the very same tactic little kids use when they don't get their own way on something. Refuse to eat or hold their breath. I'd call her doctor anyway though and get his advice and documentation of the behavior. What will likely happen next is your mother will start telling others that you're starving her. Next will be you're hurting her. This happens often with the elderly when they don't get their own way on something or when they want to spite their caregivers/family. Dementia is often responsible for it, but not always. I've been a caregiver for a long time mostly to elders and am currently caring for my own mother (age 84). She uses suicide ideation all the time if she isn't getting enough attention from me or everyone else, to ruin something good, or just to spread her negativity and misery around. In fact she threatened to kill herself a couple of weeks ago because I refused to make hamburgers for dinner. Her problem isn't dementia because I've been on the receiving end of this behavior since I was a little kid. It was terrifying to me then. She's obviously never been serious. If she was she would not have reached the age of 84. Your mother wouldn't have either.
Don't play into your mother's games and that's what they are games. My first husband was an alcoholic/addict. He played these kinds of games too because this is what addicts/alcoholics to make sure the people who love them continue to enable them to be active in their addiction. By threatening suicide, your mother knows this will cut you deep because of what happened with your husband. This is her way of controlling you so you will enable her to compulsive hoarding behavior to continue. You have to tell her no. Tell her that the bedroom is getting cleaned whether she likes it or not because it's your house and you will not have filth, squalor and hoarding. Give her the choice of helping to get the room done, but it's getting done whether she helps or not. Then tell her if she wants to starve herself to death she's not doing it in your house. That she can go to a hospital or a nursing home.
She'll probably stop and have something to eat before you actually call an ambulance for her. If she wants to keep it going, call one, but I don't think she will.
It's hard to establish boundaries and to stop being an enabler. It's not impossible though. Your mother, like my mother and my ex-husband need that tough love. It's good for them and it saves lives.
"Aging in place" is OK when the person can still be independent. When they can still do most things by themselves. When it becomes to keep that independence means others having to do everything for them, they aren't independent. And those helping them are enabling them to think they r independent.
Has Mom always been a hoarder? If not, this is new behaviour and should be checked out. Wouldn't hurt to get Mom a good physical labs and all. As Becky suggested, get her to a geriatric psychiatrist.
Use the professional community to help her and protect you. And tell your whole family what you are doing so everyone knows and all is out in the open. If anyone doesn’t like it, they can take over.
Additionally, mom may fight you on cleaning your house, going to the doctor, etc. But it is your house! She can cooperate or find her own place, which doesn’t sound like that is possible.
The hoarding aspect is unsanitary and you shouldn’t have to put up with it in your house and home. She should not be able to close her door to you for any reason since it is your house and you are caring for her. She can’t take care of herself.
Hoarding is a symptom of a mental illness. She destroyed your brother’s home, a house in another state and now her room.
Threatening to commit suicide is being manipulative, and dangerous to her and you. Time to call her PCP and 911. She should go to the hospital. They will be able to help find a facility where she can receive the treatment and care she needs.
You can then be able to clean her room and get your home back to what it was.
I do not recommend having her return but to have her remain in the facility, since at her age change will not occur. Medication will reduce her symptoms and there will be fewer opportunities to hoard.
NHs also have trouble dealing with this. I saw first hand when on work experience a long time ago. I was asked to help de-hoard a room while the occupant was hustled into the bathroom by 3 staff (strongly reminded of their compromise to bathe on that agreed day). While howls & screams from the bathroom continued, we removed anything with food scraps & newspapers older than 2 days. Plus other revolting stuff.
Full tantrum on return to bedroom. It was her stuff, her room afterall... So I did feel bad.. but also the NH had hygiene & fire codes to abide to - to keep ALL occupants safe. It had to be done.
She could not name what was now missing. Never seemed to miss it the staff said. It seemed more about control. Everything she could see was hers, was part of her. Like she never learnt where the edges of her body stopped. Something babies learn.
The now clean lady then settled under her favorite blanket & seemed ok. Seemed secure within her environment.
They did this every week.
Yes, call her doctor. Be very clear on her history, of manipulation and hoarding. Make sure the doctor knows about what happened with your late husband and it is very triggering for you.
And clean her room. Take photos of before, during and after, document it well.
Sometimes, you have to stand down from engaging in individual
battles in order to win the war...
also sounds like she is stubborn but also could be wanting some attention no matter how she gets it. tell her she can have a part of the room to do what she wants (not to the point of food or trash thrown around) and to keep the other part clean so she doenst trip over junk and trash.
also talk to her dr maybe a mental evaluation is in order at her age.
good luck and God bless you
Colleen Pell.
We're in the medication and pysch eval/cognitive behavorial support realm now - I have no great hopes on the hoarding disorder improvement, BUT I also need the best approach to manage this.
Mother is a pain in the but, and it’s not just about hoarding. She spits dummies regularly, and has no compunction about causing massive problems and costs to family by ‘running away’. She’s only 84, and bringing her to live with you has been nothing but stress. My suggestions are:
1) Go through the posts, and implement all those that protect you from allegations of neglect.
2) Let her starve herself if that’s what she wants. It’s her life, her body. If food and water are there, she can make her own mind up. The sooner she leaves you and your home, the better – any which way.
Her hoarding manifests in a shopping mania. We were able to get her into assisted living w/o a telephone and cut off her bank cards and credit cards. She was furious. Like the example of one of the commenters, she doesn’t bath regularly and her teacup yorkie shits and pees all over her room. She doesn’t clean up after it and is oblivious to the stench. The ALF is unhappy. We told them they have every right to go in and clean whether she likes it or not. She never leaves her room.
So dear writer, you need help with your mother. Your mother needs medical care from psychiatric evaluation to medication to people who ensure that her room remains clean no matter what. It will only cause stress to you and destroy your house to have your mother there. She will manipulate you. Don’t think she isn’t sneaking out when you are asleep or at work for something to eat or drink or that she has something squirreled in her room
So, at this point between doctor visit, family notifications and such, as well as documentation of her horrendous, previous hoarding...I've done my duty in this area.
Thanks for your reply!
While she's gone, clean out her room, pack her bags, and make arrangements to have her moved out permanently. She's a terrible houseguest and has overstayed her welcome. And that's putting it nicely.
My mother was always threatening to kill herself, for my whole life. Running out in traffic, driving her car off of a bridge, jumping out of windows, and all sorts of other melodramatic passive aggressive nonsense intended to upset me. It used to, when I was 5 and scared she'd actually DO it. She lived to 95 and died of heart failure and advanced dementia.
The part that frightens me about your post, is where you say your mom lived to be 95 with advanced dementia. Just tonight, my mom 89 with dementia, got mad over something incredibly stupid and said she hoped I died. The thought of dealing with her for YEARS longer, is horrifying.
Is she actually eating?? Most people who don't eat do not go around telling people about it. I would suggest you record some of these threats along with your conversation that led up to the threat. It is important to show that you said this (clean your room) and her response was this (I'll kill/starve myself)
How is she collecting her hoard? Can get out of the house on her own and drags it in? Instead of letting a hoard build, maybe it would be better to do a cleaning in that room every day - whether she helps or not. That way she won't see multiple things leave the house that built up for more than a day. Probably by day 2 an attachment between her and the 'thing' are already being formed.