Like the title says, my mom is 82 suffers from congestive heart failure and vascular dementia. She is fairly well, considering, but obviously not of sound mind to think of doing this day trip.
The man lives 2 hours away from us, mom lives with me and husband, no help from any family or friends all live in another state.
Things have been very tenuous between us lately and she acts like a toddler half the time and a spoiled teenager the other half. She will refuse to put on clean clothes for days, sitting around with crumbs and stains on clothes, I cook, clean, shop, drive and sort and distribute her medications. She has improved over the last year, and can function to put comments on Facebook and this dating site, but shuts down if she is too stressed or tired.
She told me this is going to happen tomorrow whether we like it or not... I am not her legal guardian but am a VERY concerned daughter... any advice is appreciated.
Perhaps you could double date with them, go with them and offer to treat them with something they would like to do. Or offer to play a game at your house.
Call the police when gets ready to leave. Here, Police were very helpful when my mom ran away. Can you speak to her doctor?
I see that you solved this issue. My mom ran away in her pjs. Called the police turned me in for elder abuse. then ran away. We put her in an ambulance and took her to a locked down facility for 2 weeks and them to memory care. She is in assisted living now doing pretty good
As I stated earlier, mom and I had words. I let her know that she was not going anywhere with a strange man she met on the internet. She was not to give our address to anyone without my approval and that I was doing this because I love her and was worried for her safety.
I am not a confrontational person and have always tried to be kind and loving to mom, but this was unacceptable.
After the dust settled and I had time to look into what was actually being posted on this site, I found that the man was talking vulgar and did say he wanted to meet my mom and do things to her.... ugh! She was not innocent in this conversation either.... she made questionable comments and she did put an address on there, but it wasn’t correct and was just a street number with no street name.
Unfortunately when she went outside at 10pm at night, I didn’t know what exactly was going on and I had to react in a way to protect her and myself. Thankfully no one showed up and we weren’t in danger but this situation could have ended badly.
Mom is now at my brothers for a while as we both needed a break, I have not had a day away from caring for her in 3 years. My brother and sister in law are doing their best to care for her and she is in a safe place. We have disconnected her access to this dating website in the transition from my home to theirs so hopefully she will forget about it when she comes back or I will have to tell her it was shut down.
The truth is caregiving is hard. Hindsight is 20/20 and we all do the best we can.
Some people on here have criticized my actions saying mom should be able to do whatever she wants. But she has dementia and is not in her right mind and I’m just a daughter doing the best I can.
Thanks so much for the support and for taking the time to reply when I was at my wits end.
Your kindness is a blessing and I hope I can be there for some of you in the future.
Hugs, Kathy
At at some point, you will probably need to have it out with Mom again. I know how difficult this is because I am non- confrontational as well. You are a saint for caring for your mom. Three years with no break. Wow. Don’t let that happen again, for your own mental health. If Assisted Living isn’t in her future, then brother will need to step up more often.
Bless you for what you’re doing. Sending hugs!
Once scammers find out, they send others to try to start scamming & working the lonely and elderly too. Just in case they are stopped. They have others who start working the 'mark'. They spend all day in internet cafes doing this, and working diff scams.
Sending her off to other family members does not stop the problems. It only moves her to another area. She could get on his internet.
At least you get a bit of a break. It's time to have a serious talk with family going foward. At least you got it before she got into more problems. Good luck to you. You shouldn't feel bad you had to stop her. YOUR protecting her.
In addition to everything said. If the guy shows up, Make a copy of his Driver's license and take a photo of his car license plate. Back before the internet, I belonged to a video dating site. I would meet them in restaurants first, then if it went as far as going on an actual date, I would ask to look at their driver's license and telephone the number to one of my kids. The men would just look at me oddly, but they never refused to go out with me.
On the lighter side, my mom was in her late 80's, no dementia. She lived in a gated apartment complex. She called me one day and told me that some man came to the door and was trying to scam her by giving her a package. I asked if he had on a brown uniform. She said he did. I told her it was the UPS guy delivering her phone. I had to call UPS and reschedule the delivery. I laughed to myself, but didn't to her because I was happy she was alert to scams.
If it were me I would probably follow her or ask to go along. Or better yet, maybe ask the fine fellow over to your house for dinner first and of course..... - beware
I am so glad you got the situation under control.
I too would like to voice concern concerning your Mom and the Internet. My DIL works for a Credit Union. Tuesday she had two Elderly customers in her office. The first a woman wanted to borrow 25,000 against her car for her “Internet Fiancée “. That was a no go for the woman. Advised it was a scam anyway. The second a man wanted to open an account so some person could deposit funds. An internet person. Crazy story. I don’t know that DIL ever convinced him it was a scam but he did leave her office.
Elders especially those with cognitive decline are very vulnerable to these predators.
* Also, do change your mother's password.
* You need to learn how to take control of this situation. Strangers knowing your home address, perhaps your full name - or more - is a potential danger to everyone in the house.
* Realize you cannot interact-talk to your mother acting out like a rebellious teenager.
* You cannot talk logic.
* She may need to be on (more) medication management.
- When my mother was alive, she called me from a hotel room - saying she was with a man (somehow she met him on-line). (She was very old-fashion, shy, insecure and not one to get intimately involved quickly - with any one). My mom lived alone in another city at that time. While she was not diagnosed with dementia, she put herself in a very vulnerable and potentially dangerous situation. At least she called me - but at that point, there was little I could do if something dangerous was going to happen to her. (She also did not drive-never did.)
- I - YES, ME - fell for a phish or scammer on Match (I'm in my 60s). Never ever respond outside of a dating site email network initially. Never give out personal information. Scammers ask a person immediately to contact them at their own personal email address-outside of the dating service venue. I fell hook, line and sinker. I caught on after a month or so that something wasn't right, but I couldn't believe I could be taken like that. These scammers are all over dating sites like cockroaches - just waiting for vulnerable women.
* Your mother needs serious boundaries and guidelines.
* You need to understand how to interact with her dementia - do not engage with her 'acting out' as if she is a rebellious teenager.
* You need to monitor her computer, if you continue to allow her to use one. You can easily set it up to do that.
* And the dating sites will not take any responsibility as they have disclaimers and tell users what NOT TO DO. Although they will follow-up so do report this person (give their email and name) to the dating service 'security alert' and they will follow-up.
Why does she have access to a computer unmonitored? Wow that is dangerous!!!
My dad was getting phone calls from scammers from Jamaica. No one in our family could convince him he didnt win a walmart lottery. (no such thing). They wanted thousands to sent, to pay the fake taxes. We got that stopped in a hurry before he sent them $$. They would not stop calling. They just keep working the elderly until they find out what works.
Being online makes it more likely scammers will figure out she is easy prey. There are tons of stories on tv about scammers pretending to be the new love of her life. They will pretend to be stuck in a foreign country and need money sent, so they can come sweep her off her feet and marry her. Did she give out your address and phone number to a stranger? Yikes!
Having your mom online unmonitored, is like giving a 12 year old free access to a computer. You need to disable or block access to the computer asap! Getting a program that monitors children online, and blocks web sites, isnt good enuff. You only find out after the fact. As the other responders say get a lock down on all her credit cards, bank accounts, social security etc. You need to monitor these immediately!
Her being online is very dangerous knowing that she has dementia.
There are a lot of scammers from Nigeria and other places who will pretend they love her. They will get her to drain her accounts to send them money. They are even able to scam lonely people of sound mind! Their families have not been powerless to stop them.
You need to tell her the WiFi has been shut off bc you need the $ to care for her. Too many charges, too expensive etc. Cant afford it any more. If scammers have access to your family's address, phone number, that doesn't stop them from calling her, or coming over to drive her to the bank.
You can use computer in your bedroom or when she is sleeping. Disable the computer and just use your phone or hide a tablet that has a password. Dont use in front of her. She has already shown you she won't listen to you and will do what she wants!
You need to get control of that situation NOW/TODAY.
You need to make this your #1 priority to get this to stop. She will have a fit, but so what. Let her. Her safety and your safety is paramount.
You better check your finances too just in case. She can be giving out your info too. She already gave out your address to a stranger. She has,shown you she doesnt care what you think. I'm so worried for you, and her O_O
They show more and more commercials on TV with older people finding their "perfect match" on eHarmony and other sites. It's a big lonely world out there. Personally, I think no matter where you meet someone, even in church, it all carries risk. I met my DH 33 years ago at a church singles function - and we both got lucky that neither of us were bad people. But his children should have been scared for him, he was then 63 and widowed 6 months and I was only 33 and never married. Either one of us could have been a serial killer. Thankfully, we were just both lonely and we fell in love almost immediately - we each considered the other to be a gift from God.
If at all possible, I would say to try to follow or join them on this first date.
Barring that, I would be sure she has a charged up cell phone with her and can "dial" 911...
Long term, I would try to work out a few rules with her for being able to live in your home. This stress is not good for anyone. She may also need an evaluation for plans for care in the near and far future. You will need to work out how long you are willing to care for her, based on her growing needs. I am glad she has improved lately, but unfortunately,
dementia is progressive. Best of luck. In these instances, I find the Serenity Prayer quite helpful:
Lord, help me to Accept the things I cannot change;
give me Courage to change the things I can;
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Best of Luck.
To keep my dad's identity safe I froze all his credit reports and made sure he had a social security account online. That way no one can steal identity or take out a loan in his name. Dad used to get on porn sites and he used a computer into his mid 90’s. I finally had a computer tech block him from doing this by making me the administrator of the computer and blocking certain content. Also installed malware bytes on it to scan for any malware. If she is using a computer this needs to be done. She is at risk for a hacker if she goes to certain sites. Put a piece of tape over the camera hole. Do not let her have online access or passwords to any banking or credit card sites. Remove credit cards from her as well. My dad had a guy contact him through his computer telling him he had a virus. Red Alert! That doesn’t happen in real life. They wanted access to fix it and money. They know elderly and those with dementia are easy targets.
If you think she is a danger to herself then you must intervene for psychiatric evaluation and get yourself appointed as her legal guardian. the judge will visit the psychiatric facility. Sorry your options are very limited.
Carry wasp spray to and from your vehicle and keep a couple cans handy around the house and if this guy shows up give him a good dose, run to safety and call 911.
Stay safe!
Her internet usage is mainly to play slot machine games and to look at Facebook. The man she met is on plenty of fish and her login info must have been saved or she managed to find it written down to be able to get logged in. The site is something she used 5years ago before she was diagnosed with dementia. I logged on and read the email between her and this guy and it was mostly her sending him messages that were short, misspelled and sounded illiterate his were sexual innuendos so the only reason he would be interested would be for sex and/or money. Her login credentials are now deleted and account removed.
I am going to call my brother today and see if they can take her for a few weeks, I’m not sure how much more I can take.
Also, congrats for laying down the law. I know it doesn’t help much when a person’s thoughts are impaired. My father-in-law had dementia and he was very mild-mannered. My mother was snarky and combative. She was also a “flight risk”. But she was never so far gone that she didn’t know when I was seriously annoyed. Her main topic was sex for some reason. When I had enough I’d tell her to “Be a lady. Ladies don’t talk like that!”
This is just just my opinion, but if Mom is at the point where she is pushing you to the limit, doing hand-offs with your brother may not work. I really worry about Mom taking off on you. The idea of meeting this guy is still in her head, believe me. And she may do it just to defy you. Remember, people with dementia often act like defiant children. You and your brother may want to discuss a plan of action for the future. Good luck. Keep us posted.